Let me start off by saying that yes, I am fully, 100% unquestioningly aware of the… personality issues the OC has. This is intentional. The story seems disjointed as you are reading it? That's because its written FROM the perspective of the OC. Or at least I tried

Yes, this is based on "Naruto: What if...?"

I felt like writing a comedy to offset my serious book and stories.

Unfortunately, I seem to have NO capability for writing comedy. So yeah.

Sorry about that.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Waking up with a yawn, I reached down to shift an uncomfortable feeling and realized I was literally stuck to my sheets.

"What the hell?" Haven't had THAT particular problem since I was like twelve. Feeling around for a second, my lips twitched in a frown, feels like I'm twelve again too. Guess it's colder in here than I thought. Frowning at the mess and the shrinkage I realized something else as I did my morning stretch. "SHIT!" I flew out of bed and reached for my glasses on the nightstand as I realized my alarm didn't wake me up. Again. With an hour commute to work, I could swing it if I skipped a shower and dressed while driving to work, but considering the sheet came with me when I lurched out of bed that particular idea just wouldn't happen. My Boss was gonna bitch at me. Again.

WHUMP.

"Oww..."

Somehow my bed grew nearly a foot overnight, and my legs got short. Really short. And hairy. Like. REALLY hairy. Oh, and my nightstand is missing. What the hell.

"Fell out of bed again Pup?" an amused, rough, gravelly, yet distinctly feminine voice called from the other side of the door. The door located on the wrong side of the room.

Seriously, where the hell are my glasses?

Finally stumbling awkwardly to my feet, using the bed for leverage since I felt so completely WEAK and small for some reason, an annoyed bark and a growl distracted me from further thoughts as an adorable white puppy untangled itself from the blankets dumped on the floor by my less than graceful exodus from the too-high bed.

Bark. 'Sheesh. Why you humans are always in heat...'

Huh. How in the HELL did I get all of that from a single bark? Squinting at the white ball of fur, and being the curious person I am, I decided to test my theory that I was in a rather vivid dream.

"And you know that how?"

Bark. 'Because I had to dive out of the covers in the middle of the night when you started dry-humping the bed!' Believe it or not, I even caught the annoyance in the dog's tone. Seriously.

Weird as hell. However, the dog's response did manage to prove my theory that I was dreaming rather soundly which allowed my sleep addled mind to finally relax a little after realizing I did not in fact have to rush all over the place to get showered, dressed, and out the door. Now to figure out what was going on. That meant I needed to take a trip.

I'd grown up having vivid and surprisingly detailed dreams, so from experience I knew if I wanted to find out the plot of my dreams I needed to explore. Complications of an over active imagination you could say. I didn't bother dressing, since I couldn't see well enough to figure out where the clothes were, not to mention I happened to be dreaming, as I strolled down the wooden halls in search of a way out.

Probably one of the most irritating aspect of my dreams is that I always wake up INSIDE. I swear my subconscious loves messing with me, not that I can blame it. Good pranks, even on yourself, tend to be in short supply.

"Going commando today pup?" the same feral, gravelly voice from earlier asked as I squinted at a semi-human shaped ball of fur and leather as I passed through the kitchen. Meh, she wasn't important and frankly squinting too much generally gave me a headache.

Lord I hate the dreams where I can't see shit. Always reminds me how much assholes that wear glasses to be 'stylish' irritate the hell outta me. Being completely nearsighted, I'm damned near blind at ten yards out, and it just gets worse from there. Life becomes fuzzier and fuzzier blobs that take a great deal of creativity to interpret into anything meaningful. Doesn't really affect my daily kendo sparring sessions, but that's just cause I'm that bad ass.

For a geek.

I ignored the nameless woman my brain conjured up, figuring if she held some importance in my dream I'd see her again as I strode out into the sunlight. As the door opens, my half-awake brain finally registers this dream is unusually detailed as I can clearly recall another girl and four dogs staring at me as I passed through the kitchen. Usually unimportant details like that don't really register. Huh.

Once outside though, squinting at the Japanese stylized construction around me I finally prepared to do the one thing I loved to do the most in dreams like this while keeping a wary eye out for the every annoying power-lines. My subconscious just loves shocking the crap outta me in my dreams, but that will never really stop me from doing the one thing I love the most while dreaming.

Fly.

I gathered my willpower and forcibly ignored that nagging voice in the back of my head, just like always, as I felt the air spinning under my feet. Huh. Usually it's a heady feeling before pushing off, sort of like jumping only I push the ground away. This time as I continue to focus it feels like my veins are becoming positively charged with static as the Earth's grip starts to weaken.

"Pup?" the woman asked with concern lacing her voice, apparently having followed me from the house I'd already put out of my mind. It's not like I would see it again. My subconscious can draw up all the vivid, story-like dreams it wanted. When I had this much control of my dreams I always went for the same thing and blew off whatever psychoanalytical message of vital import needed to be passed on to my conscious mind. I happen to be far too apathetic for such trivial things as stress-induced Id level suggestions to get access to my conscious brain; and definitely not when there's flying to be done.

It took longer than normal, and a much greater exertion of willpower, but I finally rose off the ground and smiled, closing my eyes as the familiar sensation of the wind against my skin enveloped my body. "PUP!" She said something else, but I rose too fast to hear whatever it might be. Not that I really cared.

I flew.

Rising higher and higher I laughed joyously as the imaginary winds of my dream buffeted against me and I finally opened my eyes to see what scene my emotive subconscious drew up for this particular night's adventure. Not that I intended to follow it, but I always enjoyed the view.

Konoha. Huh.

Too much Naruto fanfiction before bed I guess. I did note however that Tsunade's ugly face wasn't on the monument yet. The woman's beautiful, but she really should have hired better Doton users.

Deciding to do what any self-respecting Naruto fan would do in such a dream, I floated around looking for Naruto's beat the hell down apartment complex, blinking my eyes and shaking my head back and forth to shake off the strange feelings of fatigue creeping in. My subconscious always screws with me when I ignore the dream to go fly instead, but this is a new one. Usually I just find myself trapped in a warehouse or dodging power lines or something equally annoying like a storm. The sweat gathering on my short, hairy as hell boxer-clad self was definitely a new one. Especially since I tended to sleep in the buff; more comfortable that way.

Now, if I had my glasses during this particular trip, I would have realized then something was definitely out of the bounds of 'not normal' for this dream since the group of fuzzy dots on the ground nearly a half-mile below we're actually pointing up in with various reactions.

Instead I spent the next twenty or thirty minutes turning to look at the Hokage's Monument before turning back to the various buildings throughout the city while floating around aimlessly. Naruto, in theory, should have an apartment facing the monument with some plants growing on his window sill.

Huh. How come nobody ever ruined the plants hanging outside of his house? Or did they just never think of that while writing the manga?

"Inuzuka-san," a calm, robotic voice called from behind me. Ha! My imagination is awesome. An ANBU wearing a Hawk mask hovered just behind me riding a massive hawk. Massive as compared to real-life. In Naruto-verse, my brain idly noted, the thing was rather puny in comparison to say Nagato's giant multi-headed dog or even that hot Iwa chick's Queen Bee. "Are you alright?"

Spinning around proved to be a bad idea. A horribly bad idea considering how many times I blinked to fight off the encroaching nausea as my treacherous subconscious tried to ground me again.

Punk.

"Hmm... Not very creative with the mask," I noted idly, ignoring the groaning pain in my stomach as I continued to hover over the village and scan for the blonde's apartment building. I might not be able to see more than a solid white blob with smaller black blobs for windows, but I was confident I could find it. Surprised me for a minute just how many damned buildings filled the dream town.

If my ability to fly didn't suddenly give out.

That… has never actually happened before.

My addled mind noted with confusion I could actually feel the feathers of the hawk as it caught me before everything started to fade into darkness painfully. It felt like somebody pumped hydrogen peroxide into my muscles as my stomach cramped badly.

Whatever happened to just waking up at a random point in the dream?

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Waking up... sucked.

"...kra exhau... eyes... maged... …rauma…"

Badly.

Luckily, for me, I passed out again for a good solid four or five hours.

Most everything hurt and the sunlight was WAY too damned bright even with my eyes closed. Not hearing the alarm and not feeling like going to work today anyway, I just lazily tried to flop my arm over to grab the cell phone off the nightstand and call in sick until a leather manacle on my wrist caught, holding the arm firmly in place.

Huh. Tuesday already? Wait, no… we stopped doing that years ago when she left with the keys...

Fighting back my annoyance at the migraine telling me to just keep my damned eyes closed, I opened to look around the room before realizing why it smelled like old people. The place looked a little outdated for a modern hospital, but considering the manacles holding my legs down I wasn't exactly in a position to complain.

Bark. 'Finally awake bro?' The little white dog huddled in my lap barked cheerfully.

Blink.

Whatever's in the I.V. is abstofrickinlutley awesome. No question. Now, the question is, why and how did I end up in the hospital. That also added the question of why exactly my arms were hairier than a bear's ass.

Akamaru.

Kiba's partner Akamaru is sitting in my lap and talking to me, I have more hair on my arms and legs than some baboons, I had a dream where I flew through Konoha (like I try to do in every dream... the flying), and instead of nicely pleasant white-washed walls in calming colors the room looked like something a manga author would dream up as a pseudo mixture between semi-modern technology combined with Edo and/or Meji era Kyoto.

Oh hell no.

Considering just how much of an avid reader I am, fanfiction is the only thing that keeps enough money available for food and bills. Hell, rent and the car-payment too. Escapism and imagination don't pay the bills and reading crappy authors and good authors helps with my own writing, so sue me.

Throw in my own (meager) attempts at developing my literary prowess and you've got a guy that loves stories like this, one of the longest and best written involved pokegirls oddly enough. Damn good story. I think its called Gaijin or something like that. However, I read fiction long before anyone heard of the Internet, so I currently had three fears running through my head. Scenario A had me playing the part of Thomas Covenant trying desperately to figure out what I needed to do to wake up, and what the hell happened to me. Scenario B had me living in some assholes new technological wonderland and still wondering what the hell happened to me like in Otherland. Scenario C probably scared me the most, that being this shit happened to be real, which meant my only means home would come from learning Fuinjutsu and ripping a hole in the fabric of time and space.

Either way, I'd screwed up enough things in my life, so I didn't plan on taking this situation lying down. No way in hell would I be hanging around to play the 'good guy' living it up in Naruto-verse. I have responsibilities at home. I have someone waiting for me and she's too damn important for whatever mindfreak caused me to wake up wearing a twelve-ish year old Inuzuka Kiba like a new fur coat. She'd never forgive if I just up and vanished like that. Ever. And I for one wouldn't blame her. I'm not sure I would ever stop blaming myself.

"So you gonna chew through one of these ropes for me?" I asked, directing my question to the dog staring at me intently.

Bark. 'You're not the Bro,' he said through narrowed and suspicious eyes. Narrowed and suspicious eyes on Akamaru's adorable puppy face. He didn't exactly come off as threatening. Seriously, I think Kiba just replaced Akamaru over the time-skip and hoped nobody noticed once he realized he managed to pick-up the runt of like six generations of liters.

"Got it in one pup." I threw back nonplussed, "and no, I have no idea where Kiba is, or how I got here. But. You help me keep people thinking I'm Kiba and I'll do my damnedest to get him back, because frankly I don't exactly intend on staying. I haven't got a damn clue how I ended up here in the first place."

Bark. 'Who are you?' he asked, and truthfully it was a valid question.

Considering most of the plans running through my head for tearing the timeline the hell up, there could be only one answer to that question. "Oak. Gary Oak at your service, but my friends call me Chuck." Norris that is. Okay, so there were two answers I could have gone with, but I knew the puppy would probably talk with the Inuzuka dogs about the fact that I wasn't Kiba and I really didn't know how Yamanaka's worked their mind shit. Better to give a name farther away from my original. The best way to keep something secret depended entirely on NOT telling it after-all.

Huh.

I wonder how Tsume and Hana get laid without Kiba smelling it, hearing it, or hearing about it from Akamaru. Not exactly plot vital, but they seem to have less available privacy than the Hyuugas, what with the maxed out enhanced sense of smell and hearing the Clan toted. Maybe they just don't care; the Pack really tends to be more animal than man, so maybe they just treat it like those old tribes back on the Terra Prima that live in the huge one-room cabins. Who knows?

Actually, thinking about it. The senses amongst the Inuzuka Clan probably would put a major cramp in anything I wanted... needed to do if this happened to be Scenario C. My eyes suck ass, though I do have decent night vision. I've been told before my eyes start to glow like a cat when I really get going on the few nights we spar in the dark. My sense of smell seems to still suck balls and I don't know shit about molding or even using chakra.

Shazbot. At least my hearing is good.

Bark. 'That's a lie.' Akamaru pointed out, correctly.

"Only part of it." I countered. Whether this... whatever it was happened to real or not, Akamaru might just find himself dead if he pressed too hard to find out more about me. Hell, not even the friends I sparred with on a daily basis even really knew anything about me. I happened to be a very private person and the dog wasn't likely to change that. Earth has laws, cameras, and excellent CSI teams to prevent the sort of actions I'll probably end up taking in the coming months if I can't wake the hell up and/or get the hell out within the next week or two. The Elemental Nations? Not so much.

'Tch. Fine. So... Chuck?' The dog asked, skepticism laden in his tone. Seriously, this whole understanding barking thing really made my head hurt.

"Chuck."

'Tch.'

And thus defined my new relationship with a VERY snarky little white puppy.

I'd known the little brat for less than ten minutes and I already understood why Kiba spent so much time ignoring the little white rat in the anime, even if his level of intelligence surprised me.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Getting OUT of the hospital proved to be relatively easier than getting in.

Using Kiba's rather sharp claws, the leather manacles proved to be practically no challenge... Yeah, no, that's a lie. I chewed through one of the worthless strips of hardened rawhide while the reincarnation of Alf continued to make snarky annoying remarks. I commented idly between bites that hot dogs were still made using canines where I came from.

Shut his little condescending ass right the hell up.

Kiba's outfit... really sucked. The hooded sweater probably would have been alright if Snarky didn't decide to point out that the fur lining Kiba's jacket was made from the pubes of various Inuzuka dogs as a rite of passage for clan-members. Weird thing about it? I couldn't tell if the little shit pulled my legs or not; stupid ninja training. Come to think of it, that probably needs to go on the list of stuff to work on. Trying to hide my vast knowledge of the future (if this wasn't one of those freaky alternate universe type situations) in a village with living lie detectors will probably prove difficult if I can't learn to consciously control my heartbeat, breathing, and unconscious fight or flight reactions.

I decided to exit the hospital the same way I went in.

Flew my happy ass out right out the window like a BOSS.

Not even Hatake can pull off this kinda style. I can almost imagine the grey-haired semi-useless slacker pulling a Gai with anime tears while lamenting my level of badassery.

Blink. Whoa, whatever that I.V. pumped into me really held good stuff.

Akamaru ended up seated down within the jacket just like Kiba always did; though I threatened to neuter him if he crapped or pissed on me, and played like a car's GPS as Snarky provided the instructions I needed to head off for my first destination.

I might a badass geek, but I'm still a geek. Where do geeks go when they need information to evaluate their current situations and come up with a plan? That's right you little twerps, the Internet. (Has your junk dropped yet?) In a world WITHOUT said awesome source for information and WAY too much adult content, where do geeks go?

"Hi-ho hi-ho, it's off to the Library I go."

"Oh hi Kiba-kun," one of the ...girls on the corner said as I chanted that while hopping through the various pedestrians blocking my path to the next turn. If the hair on the legs and noticeable bulge on ...her neck could be trusted, I doubted the 'girl' statement, but I try to be an open-minded person. "Didn't see you there. Are we still on for Friday?"

Gross. Just... gross. "Um... No. Just... No." I had nothing more I could say than that.

Bark.

I ignored that. Little shit. Though I did vow to put a visit to the village Hospital on my list for things to do, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if Kiba had the clap and I never experienced that in my own body. I certainly don't want to experience such an interesting sensation in someone else's body.

Hmm... Nice Library. Scrolls. Every single damned book in the entire library was a scroll except for those written by the perverted Sennin. Now where are the damn scrolls on History. After looking around for a solid five minutes I wanted to start cursing like a sailor as I realized just how much difficulty I was having with reading even some of the simplest signs.

Damnit.

"Alright Snarky, you're gonna love this," I growled in a whisper, feeling a little better for it and desperately hoping the feral nature of my current body's genes didn't affect my brains. Hana seemed like a friggin genius right? Kiba hopefully got some of those genes. Nerd that I am, I'm not sure I could stand it if the damn body I inhabited screwed with my mind. I love my mind. It is precious to me. "Where..." Kami this was embarrassing as hell even if realistically I had no choice. "Where are the children's books for learning to read?"

I really wanted to eat Snarky for a few minutes when it took nearly ten minutes for him to stop his barking laugh.

It did piqué my curiosity though that apparently I could SPEAK the language well enough, but I couldn't read anything. Maybe Kiba faked his way through the Academy?

Bark. 'Figured it out yet,' the dog asked as he skillfully navigated the dozens of rows of carefully preserved scrolls.

"I always knew you were the brains of the operation," I mumbled.

Brains. Shikamaru. The Rookie 12.

Shit.

"Hey snack-cake. What err. Huh. In relation to graduation day, what day is it?" The should at least give me SOME idea of when the hell it is.

Bark. 'You woke up yesterday morning and went for your Flasher-Flight. Graduation was the day before that.' Snarky quipped... snarkily.

Huh. So Naruto just found out about the Fox huh. I just sighed. The timing just SCREAMS Scenario C. Suck. That also gives me roughly two weeks before team placements to learn how to read Kanji, find a dummy's guide to Fuinjutsu (hey, I might be a geek, but I'm lazy when it comes to learning information), and...

Damnit.

... figure out some way to alter the stupid team placements. I guess I am a bleeding heart liberal at the core. Who knew, right?

Speaking of Ridalin's Most Wanted, I need some PVC and a bucket. Hmm… and a chess board, I'm so not learning shougi. Little punk can probably learn chess in about ten minutes with his shadow clones.

But first, I need to raid this damn scroll-haven for some basics on chakra manipulation, theory, and... children's how to read books. I swear the gum-popping librarian couldn't wait to get me away from her register so she could call all her gossipy friends.

And I need some glasses damnit. I can't see shit.

Squick.

SEE what I mean?

New shopping item on the ever growing list. Closed-toed shoes.

Eww.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

As the sun fell on my second day in Konoha, I felt at least some hope towards managing to pull this thing off. I might be reality displaced, and probably dealing with the annoyingly frustrating Scenario C, but at least I found some beginner books on sealing, chakra control, and reading.

Akamaru proved to be a practical gold mine of chakra knowledge and the generic 'how-to' of accessing chakra due to having been through his own training in Inuzuka ningen techniques.

The Will and the Word.

That could probably be the best comparison to accessing and manipulating chakra that Chuck could come up with. Gogo David Eddings. Chakra flowed through everyone and every single thing on the planet in an ever churning river. The stronger the shinobi, the more physical chakra available for long-term fights. The smarter or better educated the shinobi, the more mental chakra (or ki) available for precision work such as medical jutsu and genjutsu. By forcing their Will upon themselves, shinobi could access their chakra and begin to manipulate it.

Which begs the question why did the Genjutsu Mistress of Konoha get placed as the jonin-sensei of a Hyuuga, an Inuzuka, and an Aburame? Hinata, as the Hyuuga Heiress, is not allowed to learn genjutsu because of the clan's traditions; Kiba, at least in the series, tended to be far too physically reliant and emotional for the fine control needed for genjustu; and finally Shino, as an Aburame, physically couldn't use true genjutsus because of the symbiotic relationship the boy held with his colonies of kikaichu bugs.

I vowed to really speak with the Sandaime about team placements. It seemed like the only members of the Rookie 12 actually put with a valid sensei were Shikamaru and Team Gai. Though, thinking about it, Shikamaru probably could have done better with a much less lazy sensei like Kurenai. Asuma and Kakashi weren't exactly the paragons of hard work and effort when it came to training their students.

A memory of a blonde haired babe flashed in my mind for a minute before I forcibly pushed it aside. I'd get back to her if it was the last damn thing I did.

I sweated profusely as I tried to hold one of Kiba's kunai against my chest again with chakra. Kakashi's training stated that manipulating chakra through the feet due to how far the chakra had to stray from the chakra network. Adding that with knowledge about Lee's Gates (including the locations of them) and I figured that the hands and feet were the two places chakra stayed the furthest away from and became the most difficult to manipulate. Crawling before walking or running and all that.

I'd managed it once, but the sensation was strange and left me a little confused. I always thought of chakra of this… fleshy… fluffy mass that ninja manipulate using 'hands' in their minds. Instead it seemed like flexing a muscle in a very uncomfortable and unfamiliar way. Like twitching your ears by twisting your jaw or maybe kegels. The last two hours made me really wonder how exactly chakra strings were created.

Maybe Suna had a different way of accessing their chakra than Akamaru knew of? It would make sense considering the physical nature of most Inuzuka attacks and abilities.

By the time the sun fully set, around nine o'clock by Kiba's watch meaning the Land of Fire probably sat around the equator, I'd already gotten to the point of holding the kunai in place on the back of my hand upside down and started on the kunai floating exercise. Stressful work to be sure, but chakra seemed to be the thing that made the shinobi world work and I needed to be fit enough to 'be' a genin in less than two weeks.

Sadly, my reading lessons would have to wait a little longer.

Worse, the next few minutes would completely derail any plans I've managed to put together since waking up this morning.

"Training for once Pup?" the gravelly voice from earlier echoed across the clearing, a loud huff and a thump signaling the woman's arrival, though I noted a distinct hint of menace in her voice.

I squinted in her direction to try and at least identify the woman since other than the ANBU she's the first person I've seen up close since arrival, but my eyes really did suck. Nothing but a fuzzy blob.

Meh.

"Um… yeah. Gotta be ready and all that!" I said loudly with no small amount of bravado, trying to play off Kiba's generally idiotic attitude.

"Humph." Came her only reply. Hana? Tsume? Some other clan member not important enough for me to have bothered with? "And you wanna explain what happened yesterday?"

"Heh… well, I just felt like flying." I replied distractedly, focused instead on the sharp implement of pointy stabbity pain floating over my hand.

"You…" she paused, annoyance heavy in her voice, "You just FELT like flying. That's the most ridiculous thing I've EVER HEARD! YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH INUZUKA KIBA!" the woman screamed as she got right up in my face. Then the kunai landed point first in my palm again. Ouch.

Oh look, she's finally close enough that my shitty assed eyes can see her.

Tsume. Definitely Tsume.

Wow. Kiba gets his hygiene habits from her mom. Talk about the need for a breath-mint and a bath. Maybe twice. For both.

Before I continue my very long monologue, I feel I should point that I am an EXTREMELY sarcastic person. Generally I have a filter over my mouth, and words, and personality, and... well you get the idea, but I have been training pretty much non-stop for about five hours without having eaten anything today after waking up from, apparently, chakra exhaustion.

Filter. Off.

"Wow, breath-mint much? And when was the last time you had a bath? Damn woman, you could stink a skunk out of their den." I said, frowning as I pushed the woman to arm's length by her shoulders. My next words however were much less distracted and much louder. I did NOT sound like a whiny girl. "Ow ow ow ow ow…" What the hell is it with mothers and twisting the ears?

I dealt with it though, simply because I didn't really want to break my cover so soon.

"Oh hell no. You don't talk to your mother like that Pup." Tsume growled out angrily, stomping a sharp heel on my bare toes. Definitely need new shoes. "Think you're some big bad ninja now do you?" she spat, clocking me upside the head with her free arm before ramming a knee into my stomach. All while dragging my currently unhappy ass through the backstreets outside the training grounds. Wow, Kiba's mom is really abusive. "Went to the Chunin Exams and got all the way through the second phase. I'm SSSOOO impressed. Too bad you got your ass kicked by that clanless, worthless piece of shit trash."

Wait wait… what?

"Um… what day is it again?" I asked with narrowed eyes, forcibly yanking my ear away from her clawed fingers, completely ignoring the bleeding slash she managed to rip into it. I've had worse, usually daily, pain ringing through my ears from shinai during daily sparring. That or beaning myself over the head at the garden center. What can I say, outside of spars I'm a complete putz.

"Oh, hit your head harder than you thought, huh Pup?" she snorted, AMUSED at the idea of my possible memory loss. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but Inuzka Tsume definitely isn't going to be winning any 'Mother of the Year' awards anytime soon. "You got your butt kicked, then farted on by the Uzumaki brat. I can't believe you lost to that thing." The last sentence happened to be muttered, but unfortunately for Kiba's mom I'd always spoken a rather fluent mumble thanks to my older brother. The very fact that she actually mumbled knowing exactly how good her son's hearing is almost threw me for a loop, but she just handed out a GOLDEN opportunity. A golden opportunity to get the hell rid of her.

"Thing?" I asked dangerously, cutting off whatever rant she started putting together. "You're calling one of my best friend's a THING. What kind of Inuzuka are you?"

"Excuse me?" she growled out sharply, her partner Kuromaru adding a warning growl of his own.

"You just called Naruto a THING. Naruto. My comrade. My friend. One of this village's biggest heroes." I spat back, intimidated not in the slightest. Jonin she might be, but I've got one thing Kiba's mom doesn't. I can fly bitch. "I want to know WHY. Now."

The Inuzuka Clan-Head took a step back for half a second at the command in my tone before her Pack instincts flared. I knew pushing the leader of the Pack probably wasn't the smartest idea. Well, no, I knew it definitely was a stupid idea, but once it crossed my brain I just ran with it. This'll give me the perfect opportunity to train the living, breathing ramen disposal while dodging any of the awkward questions that might come up about my sudden change in attitude and intelligence. It isn't like Naruto's going to notice any differences.

Cute kid. Dumb as a rock.

"Know your PLACE, PUP!" she snarled out, unconsciously activating at least part of her Beast Mimicry as her teeth and claws elongated and sharpened considerably. "YOU do not make demands of ME." Avoidance. I can work with this.

I closed my eyes and focused my Will and held my hands with fingers interlinked and pinky outstretched as I started floating off the ground. Opening my eyes as I channeled my Will through them to get a nice glowing glare(practiced almost first thing in a kunai), I gave a pointed look and a growl to Kiba's mother like a REAL Alpha, not a bully with a superiority complex. "Are you one of them? The demon haters? The people that left Naruto alone and abused his entire life? Are you one of them? Is that why no-one in our clan ever bothered to help him?" Her claws and elongated fangs vanished as a well-spring of guilt practically burst on to her face as she took another step back. The fact that her cycloptic companion whimpered and hit the ground just added some awesomesauce.

Oh yes, I could work with this.

Have I mentioned yet the only reason people don't think I'm a complete ass is because of the filter? Yeah, about that.

"I see." I hissed at her, completely pretending to be utterly and horribly offended and shocked by 'my' mother's racist nature towards the village jinchurikki.

It took a few seconds of silence, but her Alpha (*cough*tsundere*cough*) nature flared back up as predicted. "We will NOT be discussing this. How our…"

Perfect. Guilt trip time.

"I'm ashamed to be an Inuzuka." I cut in sharply with a growl, wishing Inuzukas had a clan symbol I could rip off dramatically. Instead I just spit at 'my' mom's feet, pumped up the Will, and forced my slightly reluctant body to shoot out right up and over the nearest apartment building, aiming for Naruto's favorite spot. If the slight clenching of my stomach is any indication, I'm dangerously low on chakra and I don't really want to collapse again before I can start the next stage of my completely spur of the moment plan. "I think I'll look for other lodgings for a while. I'm not sure I can stand the SMELL around the Clan Compound." This actually was rather true. I had NO intention of spending my spare time scraping out the kennels for lazy assed older chunin and jonin.

Not to mention I still need to set a certain snarky little white shit-stain on fire for lying to me about the date.

Damnit, now I needed to change ALL of my plans. Instead of well over six months AND the possibility of pulling in Zabuza and Haku for some major Deus Ex Machina shit, I'd need to pull something out of my own ass. That means coming up with a completely random, unpredictable, completely out of thin air plan for stopping a few hundred shinobi from potentially killing the one old man that would help me figure out a way home. Even if I'm fairly certain the old monkey's compromised in a rather Danzo style way.

Lady luck seemed to be on my side for the moment however as guess who happened to be squatting his depressed ass on the top of his pop's head?

Blink.

Since when do I say 'Pop' instead of 'Dad'. Weird.

"Hey! Naruto!" I called, startling the shrimp as I floated up right in front of him.

"Holy shit dog-breath! Since when can you FLY!" he screamed comically, flailing his hands about as he tried not to fall from his perch. Good idea too since a falling from this height pretty much guarantees a most embarrassing death for the Leaf's most promising genin.

"I'll teach you, but you gotta help me out first." I said smoothly, figuring hey, if ANYBODY can use the ability to fly, imagine hundreds of blonde knuckleheads raining down exploding tag covered sharp pointy doom while hovering around in the air like a BOSS (*cough*Gaara*cough*). Speaking of, I quickly flopped down beside him when I realized I'd broken out into a slight sheen of sweat. This flying stuff can really wear a guy out.

Holy hell. I'm about to create a monster.

"Ehh… Like what?" he asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. Little squirt probably thought I was trying to get him back for the whole fart in the face thing. Eh, not my style. Well, if it had been ME, yeah. I'd prank the hell out of him, but it isn't like I remember it, neh?

"Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You give me a place to crash for the month possiblylonger, and I'll teach you everything you need to know to kick Neji, Sasuke, AND Gaara's asses in the Finals!" I declare boldly, giving a rather feral smirk to the still suspicious looking blonde.

Whoa, did I send him off into a trap or something before?

"Why? And how. I DID just kick your ass dog-breath," he asked carefully, his eyes taking on a semi-slit look a lot closer to that of Kiba's mom as they flickered to and fro while watching for my answer and reaction.

"Well… I kinda sorta don't have a place to crash at the moment. I found out from and overheard conversation just where… and WHO that weird chakra came from." While saying the last part I gave him a rather intent look before glancing at his stomach. "Let's just say I can't exactly agree with how one of my friends has been treated over the years and leave it at that, ja?"

"F-Friends?" Naruto asked hesitantly, practically channeling a frightened kitten (or fox kit?) trapped in a corner. The color that drained from his face during my speech rapidly returned as a heavy pink flush spread up his neck and ears even as his eyes started to shine suspiciously and filled with a desperate level of hope. Oh hell. Now he's gonna be that puppy I fed once that wouldn't leave. Kinda forgot how lonely he was at this point in the plot. Now I'm gonna feel like a total ass when I amscray later on him.

Oh well, done is done I guess. No use crying over spilled milk. Or guts.

"Yeah. Friends. As in people who care about one another in a strictly platonic don't ever go gay on me ever for any reason ever, kinda way. Others? Go for it, just not me. Ja?"

"Err... Okay I guess." Naruto mumbled with a befuddled look, scratching hard at his temple. Cute. "Friends!" He declared triumphantly, a wide and happy smile on his face even I pretended not to see him scrub furiously at his face with that hideous jumpsuit.

Lord Almighty I'm a horrible person. Maybe I should just go find a few puppies to drown while I'm at it. Besides Snarky, he'd get something special for the stunt about the date earlier. I don't have half a year to plan for and derail an invasion, I have roughly a month. Bloody beauty-friggin-ful.

Anyway... "Here's the thing on training bro. I know a trick that will set you up faster than anyone would believe possible as the next Hokage, but you can't for any reason tell ANYONE. This shit is important. Got it?" I leveled a very draconian stare at the blonde, knowing from Yamato's experience just how to keep the rather easily scarred genin in line.

Surprisingly, his eyes darkened in a suspicious, nearly feral look that sent alarm bells ringing through my head after re-evaluating. Oh somebody was gonna pay for this shit. "NOT like that. Nothing that would harm you, the Leaf, or Fire Country, ever. I swear on my dead mother's soul."

"But your..."

"Not important. The question is, do you believe me?" I asked intently, knowing damn well that the blonde nearly constantly used his ability to detect negative emotions on a subconscious level. I might be a functioning sociopath with unmentionable tendencies that I'd rather not think about, but hey, I'm a good guy.

The blonde nodded, albeit slowly.

"Good. The reason you can't tell anyone has to do with politics," I say more gently, looking out over the village. Truthfully, convincing a twelve year old his instruction as intentionally stunted by the one person who loves him most in a very bass-akwards display of affection was a difficult endeavor. Doing it for (to?) someone who grew up programming themselves to be dumb as a rock when comprehending bad things to avoid more emotional pain made it worse.

Hmm... Maybe a different strategy...

"Politics?" Naruto asked quietly, obviously trying to respect the silence that descended down on me for a minute.

I nod slowly, scratching my chin. Damn, already missing my goatee and Kiba's got the facial hair of a prepubescent. Argh. "Politics. What do you suppose would happen Naruto if the 'demon' suddenly looked like he was going to turn into an S-Ranked ninja over the next few years, or even months?"

Naruto didn't answer, but the dullness that filled his eyes said he understood, probably better than I did.

"I see you get it. That's one of the reasons I've never shown people I can fly either," I hint, lying through my teeth, "because even prominent Clan Heirs are known to disappear. Look at what happened to your team-mate's clan."

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked softly, genuine affection and concern in his tone. Wow, the real Naruto is deeper than even the fanfiction writers know. "I know about his brother, but...?"

"But what am I getting at?" I finished for him, earning an earnest nod while the kid looked at me like some sort of sage on high. "Think about it for a second Naruto. When you pulled your pranks, how long until the ANBU were on your tail? Now apply that to someone using the masses of chakra it would take to silence and entire clan permanently."

"But... But Itachi..." Naruto started, confused though I could tell he got it.

"Was a scapegoat." I finished for him, "Sort of like you kid. He took all the attention and negativity on to himself, despite the fact that there was no way he managed to kill over five dozen people that knew exactly how he fought alone in a single night alone. The chakra exhaustion alone would have dropped him before he made it outside the village's detection barrier."

Since I spoke slowly and TO him, instead of at him or in an effort to make him go away faster, the little brat got it in one go.

"So they didn't want to train me because they still needed a scapegoat." The blonde muttered dejectedly, a rather dark and mutinous look crossing his features.

"Yes and no." I stated, confusing him out of his Sasuke-moment. "You weren't trained because people are jackasses and Kakashi is a shitty teacher. Got an expression for that I've heard a few times over the years. 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Everyone else just profits from it.' Means that your lack of good training isn't exactly intentional, but nobody was going to look a gift horse in the mouth either."

"Who are you?" He asked suddenly, startling me out of my rather macabre thoughts on the idea that Naruto MIGHT actually exist. No-one should have to live that life. It's happened too many times over the years for me to feel any differently about.

I stifled back a yawn before managing to reply. "Tch. And they call you dead-last. Figured me out already huh?"

Naruto nodded, looking wary, but still trusting.

"Oak. Gary Oak. I have no idea how I got here or why, but I seem to know all about YOU." I saying, poking him in the chest with my finger. "Don't blow my cover though kid. I'll play the good little moronic, perverted Kiba until I can figure out a way to go home."

Shit. There's that 'you just murdered my puppy with my kitten's freshly ripped out spine by way of rectal induced brain puncture' look again. Damn. Um.

Shit.

"You aren't staying?" The human guilt trip practically begged, despite only knowing me since I flew the hell up here to escape the smell of Tsume. That woman really needs a bath.

Wonder if that's why Kiba's dad left. Too much tuna for a dog person.

"I... I can't Naruto." I say after a heavy sigh.

"Why?"

Such a simple question. Such a complicated answer.

I guess it's just part of who I am. I can't stand to see a child being abused. How could I possibly be willing to put up with something like that.

The babe flashes in my head again; her cute blue eyes such a similar shade to Naruto's own.

"Because..."

As much as an asshole as I am, I just can't stay because...

I have to at least do something for Naruto because...

"Because I have to find a way back to my daughter."

Crying blue eyes that practically scorched my very soul.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -