INT. THE OFFICE OF SIR OSMOND DARLING-BLACKADDER
25th December 2012
The Office of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder is a gray and dull little place, the old wooden desk stained with many tea circles has a small plastic green tree placed upon it and sitting at his desk is the guardian of Buckingham palace's toilet facilities - Sir Osmond himself
Osmond takes a chicken leg out of a small plastic container and looks down at the small television set resting on a set of encyclopedia Britannicas - On the television screen the BBC One logo pops up
BBC VOICEOVER:
And now it's over to 10 Downing Street to hear once again from our esteemed Prime Minster
The logo fades and is soon replaced by a horrible little man in a suit a size and a half too small for him - he has no hair and very false looking teeth - His name appears at the bottom of the screen - S. Baldrick
S. BALDRICK:
Ello... well it is
Baldrick squints to try and read what is written in front of him
S. BALDRICK:
It is... a very good day for a E-Mas celebration... I think we should (what does that say) I think we should all be grateful to our beloved King Edmond and re... recall once again what happened on the first E-Mas
Some yellow text replaces the confused face of Baldrick - "Before E-Mas" The text reads "There was a terrible festive season called Yuletide"
On screen the text fades away to a scene set in 1588 - Queen Elizabeth I is sitting at a table with her trusted nurse - Nursie they are both gorging themselves on what appears to be two human legs
QUEENIE:
I think Lord Melchett tastes absolutely scrumptious, don't you agree nurseie
NURSIE:
Oh absolutely my pet after all those legs got quite a lot of exercise in the last few hours of Lord Beard Breaths life
QUEENIE:
Just before Lord Edmond cut him down... ah Lord Edmond what a stallion of a man
NURSEIE:
You should marry him my sweet
QUEENIE:
Maybe one day Nursie, maybe one day
The doors to the dining room abruptly swing open and in strides the confident (And not at all smarmy) figure of Lord Edmond Blackadder
LORD EDMOND:
My lady
QUEENIE:
Lord Edmond!
LORD EDMOND:
I received a visitor at my door
QUEENIE:
Who was it?
LORD EDMOND:
It was a prophet from the gods themselves, a young boy called Tiny Tim
QUEENIE:
And what did he say
LORD EDMOND:
He said that you and I should be married immediately and that our descendants should rule Britain forever
QUEENIE:
Fantastic, we must get to work on that immediately
LORD EDMOND:
Yes, Yes... oh he also said to stop eating people, Yuletide is unholy and to replace the entire holiday with something called E-Mas where everyone in England worships an idol of me and eats poultry instead
Osmond looks over at a small statue of King Edmond sitting on his table and then takes a small bite out of his chicken leg
QUEENIE:
Oh Edmond you're so wonderful and sexy, I Queen Elisabeth the First accept you as a husband and the ruler of the entire kingdom
The image of Elisabeth I and her new husband fades back to the image of S. Baldrick
S. BALDRICK:
Well that was lovely and I have been told to wish you all a very Happy E-Mas by King Edmond and his new wife Queen Scarlett Johansson
Baldrick is given a glass of wine, which he raises to the camera
S. BALDRICK:
To the King
Osmond raises his chicken leg
OSMOND:
The King
Baldrick chucks the wine over his shoulder just before the video cuts out and is replaced with the BBC One logo again
A knock rattles the unsteady door of Osmond's office - Osmond quickly jumps up and puts his chicken leg back into its plastic box
OSMOND:
Ah, Ah Come in
The door opens revealing the worn and ugly face of a bald man in his mid thirties - His name is F. Baldrick
F. BALDRICK:
Blackadder if I've told you once I've told you a fifillion times, unblock the loo on the second floor east side
OSMOND:
Oh so sorry sir... I should really do that every morning, so sorry it must've slipped my mind
F. BALDRICK:
Just don't let it happen again, just because you're the King's what was it?
OSMOND:
Fourth cousin twice removed sir
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah well, get to it then mister
OSMOND:
Ahem Sir
F. BALDRICK:
What?
OSMOND:
Never mind
Osmond grabs a plunger and bucket from beside his desk and walks past Baldrick, giving Baldrick a slight nod before exiting the room
INT. THE ROYAL DINING ROOM
Sometime later - King Edmond is sitting at one end of the table while his new wife Scarlett Johansson sits at the other - In between sit Archbishop Flavius Melchett, Sir Gerry "Bombardier" Flashheart III and Prime Minster S. Baldrick - They are all feasting on a luxurious arrangement of cooked birds, roast potatoes and stuffing while washing it all down with some of the finest French wines
EDMOND:
Times like this I almost miss that buffoon George... what did I do with him again
MELCHETT:
You had him executed with a large shiny spike, your highness
EDMOND:
I know, I just like hearing you remind me about it
The doors suddenly burst open and in falls Osmond with his bucket and plunger - he looks up at the shocked faces glaring at him and attempts to get to his feet - spilling some of the "water" in the bucket out onto the white tiled floor
OSMOND:
OH GOD!... I've ah... lost my way... I am so sorry your Majesty... Majesty?
EDMOND:
Get up you... you look familiar
OSMOND:
Yes, yes I'm your cousin Osmond
EDMOND:
Osmond, Osmond... no I don't remember that name... Bombardier you got a gun
BOMBARDIER:
Of course your Madge
Flashheart takes a gun from his coat pocket
EDMOND:
Shoot this oik for trying to ruin my E-Mas
BOMBARDIER:
Yes sir
Osmond quickly ducks as the gun goes off - hitting the oak doors - Osmond runs quickly out of the room
INT. HALLWAY IN BUCKINGHAM PALACE
Osmond runs down one of the hallways in Buckingham Palace - A number of gunshots ring out through the building
BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)
Come back here at once, Frenchie
INT. STAIRCASE
Osmond runs down a staircase - the sound of bullets seems further away but he doesn't risk turning back
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - MAIN FOYER
In the main foyer of Buckingham Palace - F. Baldrick is coming out of a room that leads down into the depths of the palace - he is about to lock the door when the sound of a madman crying out a fatal war cry is heard
Osmond runs into the foyer and sees Baldrick - he runs over to him
F. BALDRICK:
What are you doing?
OSMOND:
I'm about to be killed by a maniac with a giant mustache!
Osmond opens the door Baldrick is standing next to and runs down the old blackened steps down into the heart of Buckingham Palace
INT. HALLWAY UNDER BUCKINGHAM PALACE
Osmond is still running, Baldrick is trying to catch up to him
F. BALDRICK:
You aren't supposed to be down here
BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)
Here Frenchie Frenchie
Osmond gets to the end of the corridor and throws open a pair of old wooden double doors, he runs inside - followed by Baldrick
INT. THE ROOM
Osmond closes the two doors and slides a plank of wood in between them
OSMOND:
I think that'll keep him out, sir
Osmond turns around to see Baldrick standing rather protectively in front of a giant wooden box with a clock face on it
Osmond stares at the box for a few seconds then looks over at Baldrick - then back to the box - then over at Baldrick - then the back to the box - almost piecing together parts of a puzzle
OSMOND:
THAT BASTARD!... he used a time machine didn't he
F. BALDRICK:
I... don't know what you mean
OSMOND:
... And your father helped him
Baldrick looks uncomfortably from left to right not quite looking at Osmond
OSMOND:
Baldrick
F. BALDRICK:
That's Mr. Baldrick to you
OSMOND:
Listen here you little bimp, A mad man with a gun is trying to kill me and because you chose to come down here with me I'm guessing he'll have no qualms with dispatching you fairly quickly... now is that thing what I think it is
F. BALDRICK:
... Yes
OSMOND:
And do you know how to work it
F. BALDRICK:
... Yes
OSMOND:
Then let's go you twonk
Baldrick reluctantly walks around to the side of the box and pulls the wooden door down
BOMBIDIER: (SHOUTING)
I WILL FIND YOU, MY PRETTY LITTLE FRENCHIE!
Baldrick runs into the time machine, quickly followed by Osmond
INT. TIME MACHINE
The inside of the time machine is furnished with a nice Edwardian style carpet and even a comfy red chair - One wall of the box has a machine with levers and buttons attached to it
Outside of the time machine gun shots can be heard
BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)
Found you!
OSMOND:
Get us out of here!
Baldrick turns some dials, pulls a lever and presses a button - the entire box shakes and then finally settles down
OSMOND:
Are we out of there?
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah we're somewhere new now
OSMOND:
Good... now what happened to time?
F. BALDRICK:
I don't know what you
OSMOND:
Oh shut up, my bastard of a fourth cousin twice removed travelled back in time and fixed things for him to be King didn't he
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah
OSMOND:
There was no Tiny Tim just Edmond's temporal bollocks
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah
OSMOND:
Meaning that whatever my life was like before Edmond pissed on time was wiped out... I could have been a popstar or a captain like my grandfather instead of being caretaker of a bunch of loos that are overflowed by a bunch of degenerate bastards... I could've been somebody
F. BALDRICK:
I often think about it myself
OSMOND:
Really?
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah if my dad had went about as he should of and not made this time machine for King Edmond, I could've been... a turnip farmer
OSMOND:
Not exactly my point but... good enough... but don't you see we can put it right, we can go back in time and fix it so Edmond doesn't succeed
F. BALDRICK:
I can be a turnip farmer?
OSMOND:
And I can be somebody
F. BALDRICK:
... Alright then but one thing, Osmond
OSMOND:
What?
F. BALDRICK:
We're already back in time
OSMOND:
Really how far
F. BALDRICK:
I don't know... most of this technology hasn't been used in years
OSMOND:
Only one way to find out
Baldrick lowers the door of the time machine - revealing the exterior of a castle covered in snow
OSMOND:
I wonder when we are
Osmond wanders out of the time machine followed sheepishly by Baldrick
EXT. THE CASTLE
Baldrick raises the door of the time machine - closing it
Osmond wanders up to a little girl who is playing with a wooden horse that has been painted pink
OSMOND:
Excuse me little girl but... what year is it
The little girl looks up and is instantly confused
PRINCESS LEIA:
Edmond? You look old
OSMOND:
Edmond? no no my name is Osmond
KING RICHARD IV: (SHOUTING)
Princess are you out here?
King Richard IV walks out of the castle with Baldrick Son Of Robin the dung gatherer and Lord Percy Percy behind him - The King walks up to Leia without paying a bit of attention to Osmond
KING RICHARD IV:
I wanted to give my favorite little daughter in law a Christmas present
The King turns to Percy who hands him a jar of honey that he quickly gives to the princess
PRINCESS LEIA:
My favorite!
KING RICHARD IV:
Ah that's nice, hello Edward
Richard IV takes a brief look at Osmond before realizing something is wrong, he looks again at Osmond's face
Richard IV's mouth falls slightly open
RICHARD IV:
BASTARD!
Percy:
You look just like our friend Edmond
Osmond takes a few steps back from Richard IV
RICHARD IV:
BASTARDS ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!
Richard IV draws his sword just as the slimy and quite youthful Prince Edmond exits the castle - he is holding in his hands what appears to be a storybook
Edmond sees his father and his allies standing around Osmond and Leia
EDMOND:
Father? What's going on
Richard IV turns to Edmond
RICHARD IV:
YOUR BASTARD! has turned up, Edger
EDMOND:
My bastard?
Edmond looks at Osmond and the two exchange puzzled looks
EDMOND:
But this man is much older than... I mean yes! he must be my mmy bastard and therefore, ssshould be executed immediately
Osmond starts running toward the time machine, Baldrick pulls the door back down
RICHARD IV:
He even has your girly run, Emmett!
F. Baldrick glances over at his own ancestor for a second before quickly entering the time machine - Osmond rushes into the time machine and the door raises behind him
RICHARD IV:
COME OUT YOU BASTARD!
The box suddenly fades out of existence - leaving King Richard IV shocked and stunned
Percy looks over at Baldrick
PERCY:
That other one looked a bit like you, Balders
INT. THE PRINCE OF WALES DINING ROOM
CHRISTMAS DAY 1789
Prince George is sitting at the table eating Christmas dinner with two young French women
PRINCE GEORGE:
So it turned out that they were in fact assassins trying to kill me
FRENCH WOMAN:
What did you do?
PRINCE GEORGE:
Well, I... ah... whipped them into place and... ah then called the police
FRENCH WOMAN:
So brave
FRENCH WOMAN 02:
So very brave
The time machine fades into existence in the dining room
PRINCE GEORGE:
What the bloody hell is that
The door to the time machine falls open
OSMOND:
You shouldn't have pressed that button so hard I don't think it's working now
Osmond walks out of the time machine and sees the Prince and the two ladies
PRINCE GEORGE:
Blackadder!, what are you doing here... I told you I need sometime alone
OSMOND:
Blackadder? Edmund Blackadder
PRINCE GEORGE:
That is your name... stupid mister stupey
OSMOND:
... So it is
Osmond walks over to the prince takes a takes a piece of Turkey from his plate - eats a bit and then throws it at him, Then takes the Prince's glass of wine and throws it over one of the young French women
Baldrick pops his head out of the time machine for a moment
F. BALDRICK:
Uh oh
FRENCH WOMAN:
Why do you do this to us on Christmas Day?
OSMOND:
What's Christmas?
PRINCE GEORGE:
More to the point!
OSMOND:
Oh shut up you stupid looking git and take it up with "me" when I get back
Osmond runs back into the time machine
OSMOND:
Now Baldrick!
The door to the time machine ascends and a moment later it starts to fade from reality
INT. TIME MACHINE
Inside the time machine - Osmond is sitting on the red comfy chair
OSMOND:
Ah well that was fun... but we really should get to stopping Edmund from becoming King
F. BALDRICK:
But when do we go
OSMOND:
... 1588 the year of the first E-Mas... Also the year Queen Elisabeth let Edmond become her husband and King
Baldrick twists a few dials
OSMOND:
Do you know what you're doing?
F. BALDRICK:
Yeah, Yeah my father taught me how to do this
Baldrick pulls a lever, then brings the lever back up again and pulls it a second time
INT. THRONE ROOM
Lord Melchett is sitting sombrely in the throne room - he has a tin cup of grog in his hand, he looks down at Lord Percy who is sleeping with a knitted teddy bear in his hands
The time machine fades into existence just beside the throne - the door lowers and hits up against the throne - the door cannot lower properly
OSMOND:
Damn you Baldrick!
The door raises up again and the time machine vanishes from existence once more - leaving Melchett very confused
The time machine fades back into the room - this time on the other side of the throne - with its door facing the other direction
The door lowers and Osmond hesitantly walks out - he's quite surprised when he spots Melchett, who meets his gaze and returns said surprise
Baldrick walks out of the time machine
F. BALDRICK:
Are we here then... E-mas Day 1588
Baldrick looks over at Melchett
F. BALDRICK:
Wait a tick, I know you
OSMOND:
Lord Melchett but weren't you killed by King Edmond
MELCHETT: (NERVOUSLY)
Kking Edmondd NO!, I mean no your majesty you didn't kill me
OSMOND:
Yet
Melchett squeals like a girl before taking a closer look at Osmond
MELCHETT:
Wait a moment, you aren't Blackadder
OSMOND:
Ah that's where you're wrong, I am a Blackadder... just not the one you know
MELCHETT:
What do you want?
OSMOND:
Right now? I just want to kill King Edmond
MELCHETT:
Well why didn't you say so then
Melchett takes a crossbow from under the throne and gives it to Osmond
MELCHETT:
Think you can sneek past the guards?
OSMOND:
I have the King's face... what do you think
Osmond walks over Percy and the over to the double doors - he opens them - revealing two guards with speary looking weapons
The Guards exchange confused looks at each other
GUARD 1:
Your Majesty?
OSMOND:
Stand aside you cretin, I want to hunt some peasants
Osmond raises his crossbow and the two guards move out of his way, Osmond walks down the hall as Baldrick follows behind him
One Guard looks at the other
GUARD 2:
Does the King seem older to you, than he was yesterday
GUARD 1:
Marrige isn't it, sure old John Joe got married last month, I saw him last week and the poor lad looked like a corpse
GUARD 2:
... He was a corpse... he was executed for treason
GUARD 1:
Oh
INT. QUEEN ELISIBETH'S ROYAL CHAMBERS
The royal chambers of Queen Elisabeth I is a mess with discarded clothes lying everywhere, the curtains on the bed are closed and not a sound can be heard
The door to the room is kicked open by Osmond who walks in, crossbow ready - he walks slowly over to the bed, Baldrick follows behind
QUEENIE:
Edmond?
EDMOND:
Uh huh
Osmond opens the curtains to the bed and aims his crossbow
EDMOND:
Uh oh
OSMOND:
Gottcha
Osmond fires!
OSMOND:
I did it, I finally did it... I killed the King
F. BALDRICK:
Ah Blackadder
Osmond turns to Baldrick - who is starting to disappear - fading away feet first but spreading upward to the rest of his body
OSMOND:
Of course! Because King Edmond died here today, the future we come from doesn't exist any...
Osmond looks at his own arms - they're starting to disappear
OSMOND:
Anymore...
F. BALDRICK:
So we'll wake up in the new present then... the proper one
OSMOND:
I could be a rock star or a trophy husband to a hot bit of totty from a crap girl band
F. BALDRICK:
I could be a turnip farmer, I'd like that... lovely little turnips...
Baldrick completely disappears and Osmond stands alone for a few seconds wondering if this was the right thing to do before he himself disappears leaving the room more or less empty
QUEENIE:
Eh Hello... is anybody there
INT. THE OFFICE OF SIR OSMOND DARLING-BLACKADDER
25th December 2012
The Office of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder is a gray and dull little place, the old wooden desk stained with many tea circles has a small plastic Christmas tree placed upon it and sitting at his desk is the keeper of Her Majesty's lawn sprinklers - Sir Osmond himself
Sir Osmond takes a turkey sandwich out of its packaging and looks over at a small television set placed on top of two Twilight novels - on the television screen the BBC One logo pops up
BBC VOICEOVER:
And now it's over to Her Majesty the Queen, with her Christmas message to the nation
OSMOND:
Oh bugger off
Osmond grabs the remote control from his desk and changes the channel to Five - The Great Escape is on
Osmond grabs a flask from his desk and pours out some hot tea into its steel cup - The door suddenly swings open making Osmond spill the tea over himself - Standing at the door is F. Baldrick
F. BALDRICK:
Mr B, Oh Mr B, It's so funny
OSMOND:
What's so funny you ignorant git
Osmond tries drying the tea up with some paperwork on his desk
F. BALDRICK:
Prince Harry was sick all over Kate Middleton
OSMOND:
What!
F. BALDRICK:
I know, Kate was asking him about his Christmas plans and he chucked up all around her sir
Osmond chuckles
OSMOND:
You know Balders hearing that makes me feel just a little better about today
F. BALDRICK:
Do you not like Christmas Sir?
OSMOND:
... Oh sod off Balders
F. BALDRICK:
No sir, my name's not Sod off it's Fu
OSMOND:
Yes, yes just go away will you
Baldrick exits the room as Osmond fills up his cup with tea again
ZARA:
What's the little troll so happy about
OSMOND:
Hmm
Edmond turns to see Zara Phillips standing in the doorway
OSMOND:
Oh just a heir to the throne vomiting on a peasant
ZARA:
Ah you heard about that
OSMOND:
I thought it was quite funny
ZARA:
I was there it was very funny... what's wrong
OSMOND:
... Oh it's just around this time of the year my dear, I feel a little down
ZARA:
Why
OSMOND:
I see my life floating by like a pair of Baldrick's underpants down one of the privies - one year older another year wasted
ZARA:
Ah but have they been wasted
Zara walks into Osmond's office, closing the door behind her
ZARA:
Or have they been bided
Zara sits down on a chair opposite to Osmond
ZARA:
After all we still have our plan
OSMOND:
Hopefully this one will work and I won't be made to do another terrible advertisement at her Majesty's "request" as punishment
ZARA:
Nice Fat boy Slim reference by the way
OSMOND:
Hmm
ZARA:
Of course it'll work... and this time next year, King Osmond and Queen Zara will take the throne... and the country
OSMOND:
The monarchy and the government now that sounds like a plan
Osmond locks hands with Zara and the future is uncertain as outside it begins to snow.
