Authors note: THIS IS A SEQUAL TO MY FIRST STORY: "No More Pain." It actually takes off exactly where the other tale ended and makes reference to what happened through out the first story. I highly suggest you read that one first!
Thank you all for waiting so patiently wile I wrote this second half. I really never intended to make the first story and this follow up one so long but I had all these scenes in my head begging to come out. Like the first story this is rated T but some chapters will be M. Please leave reviews if you are so inclined and I will be updating regularly!
PS (If you feel like it listen to this song right before you read the story. It makes me think about these boys and gets me all Fangirl! )
Philip Philips
"Home"
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
You get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
To Be The Man That I Am….Bucky's Recovery
Steve was pacing in the Avenger's common room that looked out over the city below. He was moving from large glass windows over to the Kitchen where he would stand for a moment, open the refrigerator looking at the food then close it and lean on the table for a while across from Clint and Tony who where drinking some kind of fancy scotch while sighing as they watched Steve pout before again leaving their station for his next stop around the room over to Natasha who was sprawled out like a cat across one of the couches listening through head phones to an audio book teaching advanced linguistics of Arabic while painting her nails. Natasha glanced up at Steve as he dropped dramatically into the arm chair to her left with a frustrated sigh. She cocked an eyebrow over at the two men in the Kitchen who shook their heads as she mumbled along with the Arabic lessons.
Steve sat bolt up right as Bruce walked in through the doorway with Sam. Both men stopped their conversation as they looked over to Steve who was up and standing, fists clenched, a look of desperate hope shining in his questioning eyes. He tried to bite back his sense of urgency as he swallowed before asking with a tentative voice.
"Is he,... has he woken up...yet?" Steve tried to tone down his restless impatience for his friend to wake up after being mentally sedated by Professor Xavier over 17 hours ago. The Captain had stayed up most of the night just watching his friend sleep as the man tossed and turned, mumbled, cried and even screamed, his body arching before falling back as he with drew further into unconscious sleep. Steve had been warned against waking him as his conscious mind was likely busy adapting to the new physiological make up of his brain chemistry while at the same time integrating the shared memories that Barne's had witnessed while still trapped and living vicariously through the Winter Soldier. Steve was only half listening when the Professor had explained it to him, looking down, as he cradled his friend's unconscious form. Bucky's cheeks had been wet and stained from the tears after he had awoken in a state of fear and confusion, stuttering and shocked in horror at the sight of his metal arm, having never seen it while awake in his own body.
Bucky's return to the land of the living had been less joyful then the Avenger's and Steve had hoped for. Now Captain Rogger's was waiting with baited breath for his friend's next break back into consciousness, hoping to finally see the man he had always known look back at him with eyes that knew their shared life, their memories of friends and loved ones long past and a life they had both been forced to leave behind. Steve sighed as Banner shook his head and Sam stepped forward patting Steve on the back.
"Common man,... let's go for a run or something!" Sam sighed as he pulled on Steve's arm but Captain America just shook his head and collapsed back into the chair with a reluctant smile.
"Can't,... Not yet... I want to be here the moment he opens his eyes again,... help him remember he's safe,...with friends and not..." Steve's jaw clenched, as he looked away, unable to say the hated name of Hydra with out feeling bile rise in his throat. Sam sat down across from him and leaned forward with concern as Banner sat on the edge of the couch.
"Steve,... Man... What did you see in there?... What went down inside Bucky's mind that got under your skin so bad?" Sam asked with concern. The question peaked the other's interest as Natasha sat up and lowered the headphones, Clint and Tony slowly closing distance from the kitchen area. Steve looked up at Sam with a locked jaw and a harsh swallow then up at the other's before he shook his head and looked away blinking back the tears.
"It... wasn't just what I saw,... It was... how he felt... I could feel his hopelessness, his desperation, his fear... his humility and despair as they stole his mind away from him, stripped him of who he was and made him into this thing,... this weapon that destroyed everything we fought for,... everything we both believed in..." Steve sighed as he swallowed the lump in his throat. "I can't even imagine... what he is goanna do once he starts to remember,...once he knows what they did to him and... what they made him do!" Steve hung his head as he covered his face with his hand. Sam sighed and leaned forward, resting a hand on his Shoulder as Natasha stood and gracefully warped her self around his back as she rubbed comforting circles.
"I saw... how they broke him,... after his mind was gone,... when he was nothing but empty,... and even the resistance and will to escape was completely beaten out of him... They made him into a helpless animal, hiding in the corner...,took his humanity and then trained him to kill,... to slaughter with out mercy,...And... I have absolutely no idea how to help him deal with that... How to help him process that much pain, and guilt and anger and..." Steve stood up with a frustrated sigh as he again stalked toward the windows, looking out over the gradually setting sun. He sighed again and spoke in a low but steady voice without turning to face the Avenger's. "I saw what they reduced him to,... felt his total and complete defeat,... and now it's my turn to help him get back up,... stand up against the bullies,... and I have no clue how to get him through this!" Steve admitted with a deflated sigh, shoulders hunched and forehead crumpled with distress, leaning against the cool window pain.
"Just being there for him Rogers!... Letting him rely on you with out feeling like a burden, so that he can focus on getting him self through it... not feeling like your forced to carry him because he is no longer the strong, proud man he once was!" Natasha's tone was gentle but real all the same as she stood up and followed him to the window. Steve turned and looked down at her with thoughtful eyes.
"You told us that Bucky spent his life protecting you,... having your back, ...What did he do to help you feel big when you weren't,... to treat you with respect even as he grew taller and physically stronger then you?... He is goanna need you to treat him like a Man Steve,... Remind him of his own self worth... He needs to know that it's okay if he can't remember, or has panic attacks or gets confused... That he is accepted as he is now and not expected to be who he was before!" She stroked the side of his face with a soft knowing smile.
"She's right Cap,... love and acceptance is all you can do... This is goanna be a bumpy road for your friend no doubt,... But he's goanna want you to stand with him by his side, not behind or ahead,... just at his pace,... offering the time and space he needs and the reassurance he can make it when he feels like he can't." Sam added with a quiet nod as he sat back in the chair with his own sigh.
"And I have a whole cabinet dedicated to just aged whiskey,... some even before your time Spangles!... So when he wakes up we can give him that God Damn Drink at the best bar in town,... the A tower!" Stark cheered.
"Yea with it's very own A-hole bar tender!" Barton teased as Bruce rolled his eyes.
"Just for that Robin Hood,...!" Stark reprimanded as he took Clint's glass from his hand and swigged down the remainder of the man's drink, eye brows raised at the Archer's huff of protest. Steve smirked as Natasha offered an amused smile.
Captain Rogger's... Sargent Barnes has awoken sir. Jarvis voice was heard over the intercom and instantly Steve was headed to the door but was stopped as Sam jumped up and blacked his way the others gathering around.
"Easy Cap,... Look,... he just woke up,... lets find out how he's doing before you go running in there. He's not the Soldier anymore,... he's your friend who might want a minute to compose himself or get his head strait before you pounce on him!" Sam suggested as Steve looked at him with an intense stare that warned him to move. He paused and thought about what the VA consoler was suggesting, brow furled as he clenched and unclenched his fists.
"Hey Jarvis,... be a dear and give us a description of Sargent Barne's movements, mannerisms and physical condition at this moment?" Tony asked as he shrugged at Steve and Sam offering the compromise.
Yes Sir, Sargent Barnes is sitting up on his bed and is examining his metal arm. Based on his facial expression and forceful breath he seems upset and disturbed by it. However he appears calm and not hyperventilating.
"Okay,... so that's a good thing,... we can work with that!" Sam stated with reassurance to Steve who still looked antsy and on his toes ready to run past the Avengers strait for his disoriented friend.
"Jarvis,.. keep us posted on his movements and monitor his heart rate and breathing for signs of distress." Banner spoke up and then stepped forward and placed a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I know you want to be there for him Steve, Lets just give him a few more minutes to gather his thoughts and get acquainted with his physical form." Bruce offered with a patient tone and understanding gaze.
"But,... What if he freaks out like he did when he first woke up!?... What if he try's to hurt himself?!" Steve sighed as he rubbed his face with his hand.
"Then you are only two flights of stairs away Steve... We removed the razors and scissors from the bathroom...the windows and shatter proof." Natasha spoke from his right elbow. He looked at her and nodded with a reluctant sigh.
"Cap,...If Barnes is anything like me,... and based on his biography and your stories,... I am thinking he is,... he will appreciate us giving him the space he needs to get his head together... Stubborn, head strong and proud means you want people to recognize your strength and ability to rise above... Pity can feel worse then any punch in the gut and can cut a proud man in two!" Hawk eye spoke with a distant gaze, speaking from first hand knowledge. Steve gave the archer a thoughtful nod and then watched as Natasha moved over to Barton and wrapped her arms around him, pressing a kiss to his temple.
Sargent Barns has risen from his bed and has entered the bathroom locking the door. He is currently standing in front of the mirror removing his cloths.
"See,... he needs some privacy right now Steve... Hasn't seen himself reflected back in a long time." Sam consoled as Steve begrudgingly nodded and took a seat, leaning forward and hands on his knees.
"That's what I am afraid of Sam,... When he looks in the mirror,…. I am afraid he wont see James Buchanan Barnes starring back at him…. I just don't want him to fall apart when he sees what they have done to him,... what they turned him into." Steve gulped with a fretful stare at his own hands as he rubbed them together.
Sergeant Barnes in standing completely disrobed in front of the mirror and is examining the scars on his body. His heart rate is slightly elevated as is his breathing but he still appears calm.
"It's a lot to take in Steve,... we just need to be patient." Bruce offered a sympathetic smile as the others all watched America's first Super Hero fidget anxiously with concern for the one man he hadn't been able to save, a man who like the Captain, was getting his second chance at life.
...
Bucky was no longer in his cell, a captive of Hydra, trapped inside his own head as his body was ordered to kill. He was instead floating, a drift in an endless tide of memories and emotions, some of them raw and painful while others where warm and comforting. When the swell of memory became to much he found him self suddenly in a safe place. At first it was his favorite bar in Brooklyn, and after drinking down a few shots of liquid courage he stepped out the door back into the fragmented landscape of his mind. The next time it was in his childhood bed room, his mother telling him Steve was coming over soon and to get dressed. The time after that he was in his army tent on a cot next to Steve who was still asleep, his shield next to him. Each time as he emerged through the threshold and doorways he was greeted by the whirlwind of thoughts, trying to work through the onslaught of emotionally charged memories, images and sound bites flashing before his eyes.
Steve's skinny adolescent face smiling up at him despite a black eye and busted lip.
A Russian Hydra guard striking him with the butt of his gun.
His mother stroking his hair and smiling with her kind and loving blue eyes.
Zola holding a syringe over his restrained body with a sadistic gleam in his eyes.
His father laughing as he pat him on the back and asked him to hand over another tool as he worked on a neighbors car.
Steve reaching his hand for him with desperate eyes that grew as he fell away from the speeding train.
Betty Sue's bright red lips smiling at him as she giggled, his hand resting in the small of her back as they danced.
Howard Stark, young and suave, sharing a drink with him after another strategic planning meeting with the Howling Commandos.
Tony Stark watching him with cautious eyes as he worked on the metal arm.
Steve, just a child, daring Bucky to jump first into the Hudson river, his eyes flashing brightly as he swallowed down his own fear.
Natasha stroking his face, speaking to him in Russian with a soothing tone.
His own mother hugging Steve as he tried not to cry once the doctors pronounced his mother had passed.
Sam holding his hand and telling him to breath, reminding him that he was safe.
Falsworth asking for a swing from his flask.
Billy Duncan running away with a bloody nose after Bucky had punched him before helping a battered Steve to his feet.
Clint chuckling as he nodded with encouragement toward a bowl of Ice cream, promising it was good.
Dum Dum looking at him with concern as he coughed uncontrollably at the Hydra facility in the cell next to him.
Steve sketching a boat as it past by them as they laid on the beach by Coney Island drinking beers.
A Russian Hydra Guard shooting a young girl in the head in front of him as he scrambled toward her with one arm.
Dr. Banner staring down at him with kind eyes as he asked him if the pain was any better.
Steve pinned beneath him with a bloody and battered face as the helicarrier fell from the sky telling him to finish it because he was with him till the end of the line.
...
Bucky opened his eyes with a gasped breath as he shook with cold sweat. He remained still as he steadied his breathing and blinked his eyes, trying to determine where he was. After a moment he recognized the bare room, walls dented from his own anguished outburst. He felt the familiar security of the large comforter and the mattress on the floor. Slowly he sat up and looked around him remembering that he was in the Avenger's tower with Steve and his new team, the people who had been helping the Winter Soldier after their escape from Hydra. Bucky looked down at his metal arm and swallowed his nauseous feeling and pain in his gut. He examined the arm in the dim light of the early evening sun as it shined in through the window. Bucky let out a trembling sigh and blinked back tears clenching the metal fist before looking away from it with an anguished cry that he kept locked in his throat.
It had really happened. They had turned him into a weapon, a caged beast that they let loose to reek havoc so that in the aftermath of the chaos, Hydra could take control and restore order as they saw fit. The realization felt like a ton of bricks and Bucky struggled to fight the urge to collapse back into his bed and hid under the covers. He groaned as he rubbed his face with his flesh hand and then grasped a lock of his long hair, glaring at it with equal distain. With heavy movements and disoriented balance he picked himself up and stumbled toward the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it. The last thing he wanted was to have Steve or any of the others come down and ask him how he was feeling. He felt like shit! Worse then shit, he felt like he had been tortured and locked away and then woken up years in the future only to realize he was responsible for countless deaths that very nearly included his best friend.
Bucky looked at himself in the mirror and his reflection was more surreal then anything he had dreamed of during his fitful slumber. With wide eyes and shaky hands he removed his gym shorts and boxers then stood completely naked in front of the mirror. He felt his heart beating fast as he stared at the reflection of the Winter Soldier,... the flesh made weapon who had stolen his face. His fingers began to trace over the unfamiliar scare tissue that decorated his body, along his shoulder, down his torso. As his fingers grazed the ridges he had small flashes of hazy memory, images that where distorted from a life he had not lived, if living is what one could call the pathetic existence that the Winter Soldier had been enslaved to. Each scare carried with it a vague impression of some horrific act of violence, flashes of blood, dead eyes, twisted mouths, the piercing explosion of a grenade, the smell of fire and burning flesh. Bucky felt his head spin and his stomach cramp as he looked back up and his eyes stared back at him, wet and round and filed with horror and pain. His eyes where the only thing left of his reflection that he remembered as himself. He sighed deeply as he shook his head and reached up again tugging at his long air with a disgruntled huff.
After another long moment he turned away from the mirror, feeling disgusted and ashamed of what he saw. He turned toward the shower and made his way on unsteady legs, his body and mind still reconnecting, reflexes stiff and awkward. Once under the hot spray of the water he leaned against the tiles, eyes closed and with a heartbroken whimper, he let himself cry, feeling the weight of his suffering crushing down upon him. He wanted to be stronger then this, wanted to shake off the darkness and despair and the lingering fear that this was not real but just a dream and he would awaken once more in his cell or on Zola's examine table. He wanted to grasp onto his relief that he was finally free and that he was safe and with Steve and that everything would be alright. The truth was he felt broken and pathetic and scared and angry and dirty, blood staining his hands, covered in the filth of Hydra. With a shattering cry he slid down the tiles until he was on his knees, bent in and curled on the floor under the spray, sobbing uncontrollably as he held onto himself, the reality of what he had done gripping his heart.
...
Sir, Sargent Barnes has entered the shower. He is on his knees and appears to be crying.
Steve looked up at the others with a deep sigh.
"I need to at least go to him Sam,... at least let him know I am there!... Even if he doesn't want to talk to me or see me. I need to make sure he knows he's not alone!" Steve begged, as if Sam could actually keep him back. The VA Counselor sighed and looked over toward Banner and Natasha who both shrugged, unwilling to stand between Captain America and what he needed to do. Steve stood and nodded to the others and then excited quickly, not breaking into a run until he reached the staircase. His heart was thumping in his chest rapidly as he sprinted toward their joined rooms before stopping to slow his entry in through the doorway. Steve stood outside of the bathroom with his hand raised to knock before hesitating as he thought about how Bucky handled grief much like himself, wanting to be alone, needing time to deal with his aguish with an emotional outburst before regaining a level head.
With an uncertain sigh he knocked on the door before calling to his friend.
"Hey Buck,... You okay?..." Steve didn't hear a reply and so swallowed as he tried to steady his emotional voice. "... Just want you to know that I am here pal,... What ever you need!... I'm here..." Steve swallowed again feeling stupid. He walked away from the door and sat down heavily on his own bed as he waited for the emergence of his best friend.
Time past, how much Steve wasn't sure but the sun had set by the time he heard the shower turn off. The Captain sat up with alertness as he waited for the door to open. Several more minutes past until finally the man he had known since childhood emerged, long hair dripping wet and a towel wrapped around his waist as his eyes peered up at Steve from a hung head and hunched soldiers, flesh hand gripping his metal bicep as if keeping the arm still.
"Hey Stevie... Missed me?" Bucky offered a nervous laugh with a hushed whisper, swallowing down his embarrassment and shame at feeling so week and exposed. Steve was up on his feet and across the room in a heartbeat as he grabbed his friend in a tight hug, ignoring the way Bucky tensed at the contact before he settled into the familiar arms. Steve gripped him tight, one hand around his shoulders and the other tangled in his wet hair at the back of his head.
"Yes Bucky!... God I missed you so much!... I am so glad your back Buck!... You have no idea!" Steve heard his own voice choke with emotion as he shook slightly with adrenaline. Bucky focused on letting his body relax and except the embrace despite the initial panic and urge to push away that such close and immediate contact inspired. With a shaky breath that he hadn't realized he was holding, Bucky brought his own arms up to hug his best friend, a man who was once a head shorter and now was at least a few inches taller then him. Bucky kept his face pressed against Steve's chest and smiled slightly at the rapid beating of his friend's heart. They separated after a moment, both men looking at the other and not sure what to say, overwhelmed by how much there was to express and unsure how. Bucky looked off to the side, breaking eye contact first and griping his metal arm again. Steve frown as he looked at his friend, trying to figure out what he needed to do to reassure Bucky that everything would be better now.
"Bucky,... I want you to know,... whatever you need,... anything pal,... you name it... I will stay with you,... stand by your side... or give you your space...we...we can talk about... you know... anything... or... or nothing... it doesn't matter!... It doesn't matter what you remember,... unless it matters to you... cuze then It matters... but it's okay if you don't remember everything... I mean... I don't care either way... unless it bothers you and then I will help you... just..." Steve was fumbling with his words, brow knit as he fidgeted with nervous energy.
Bucky looked up at him and couldn't help the amused smirk that crept onto his lips before he rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Comere' you goof!..." Bucky chuckled at his friend's bashful expression as he stepped forward and initiated another hug, this time pulling Steve in close, still feeling tense by the contact but less so. Steve sighed as he rest his forehead against Bucky's flesh shoulder, his hands both circled around his friend's back. "I am the one that's suppose to be a stuttering, Shell Shocked, mess,... not you Captain America!" Bucky chided with a soft whispered chuckle as he sighed. Another long moment and then they stepped back again and Steve wiped his eyes as he smiled and stifled his own laugh at Bucky's incredulous expression.
"It's so good to have you back Bucky!... There is so much I want to tell you,... but,... I don't want to overwhelm you... Everything is gonna be different now... but...I want you... I need you to know,... that you wont have to face anything alone,... not anymore... I got yer back pal but so do the Avengers,... they are a lot different from the Howling Commando's,... a lot more issues actually,..." Steve laughed and rubbed the back of his neck,..." But their good folks,... and they have helped me,... and helped you... and they... we... we're a team,... you don't have to be strong alone now,... you don't have to suffer alone!" Steve's voice turned soft as he reached out and placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder.
"Stevie,... enough already!" Bucky smirked as he pulled away and turned his back on his friend, hiding the wetness that rimmed his own eyes, avoiding the depth of emotion that he wasn't ready to unleash. He sighed as he shivered slightly and then swallowed. Steve watched him and knew that he was trying his best to keep his emotions in check, sill the proud, stubborn man he had always been.
"Alright Buck,... You... ah... hungry?...We got food... I can make you something... want me to bring it here or..." Steve was rambling again and Bucky laughed softly as he turned around again.
"Nah,... lets go up there,... It's time I actually meet these super hero people,... or really, time they actually met me...not Hydra's lap dog!" Bucky said with a bitter smirk before he swallowed down his anger. "But first,... clothes?" Bucky raised his eye brows as he looked around with an easy smile that looked the part but never met his eyes which still held a hunted look, weary and tense. Steve smiled back with a nod and a calm sigh. He felt lighter then he had since waking up in the new century, an optimistic swell rising within his chest. He was not alone, he had Bucky!
