Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful peasant girl who knew how to use sex as a weapon. Having grown up in the kitchen of an aristocrat, she knew how they functioned and had been known to get even the most honorable of men to come to her bed. But her wanton ways came to the attention of the Knight whose house she lived in, and she was fired, sent to live in the streets.
Ah, but this young girl was a crafty one. Before she left the estate, she came up with a dastardly plan to get her revenge. She would become queen. So, she headed up to the master's study and stole a map and a compass. She tiptoed into the wardrobe of the knight's wife and stole her most ornate dress. After packing some food into a bag, she set out.
After trudging for a fortnight, she found what her heart desired. The king's castle. A foreboding fortress it was, but no match for her. As rain poured from the sky, likely in mourning for the loss of chivalry this woman would wreak, she stripped down and put on the ornate dress, which just happened to fit her nearly perfectly. It was already soaked, but she got some extra mud on it for good measure. Quickly, she went up to the castle gate, eager to fulfill her dream.
She knocked at the door, yelled and screamed, but always in the most refined manner. Finally, a guard came to talk to her, looking her up and down. "Whaddaya want, broad?" said he. "Oh, good sir, I am Elizabeth, the princess of Bohemia and I beg of you to please let me in to stay the night at this castle. I was ambushed and kidnapped by some horrible rogues while riding in the forest. I managed to escape their grasp, but I have nowhere to go. Can I please stay here? Would you tell the King of my arrival? Oh, please say yes!" she implored him like this until finally he was persuaded to let her speak to the king. The king was fetched and upon seeing the forlorn creature was instantly convinced of her identity as a princess and told her she could stay as long as she wished.
His wife, however was not so sure.
She proposed a test to discover if the girl was truly of royal blood. The servant woman had not been prepared for this, but was truly quite tired and wanted to sleep, so she allowed her to set the test. The queen, thinking she was as crafty as could be, quickly had a pile of twenty mattresses set upon a bed frame. It rose high into the air, and could not even be contained in most of the castle's rooms, so it was assembled in the great hall. Carefully, the queen herself placed a single dried pea underneath the bottom mattress. If the girl slept well on this contraption, she would definitely not be a true princess, reasoned the queen.
Ah, but here is where the kitchen girl's true triumph lay. For you see, there was actually a very good reason for her scurrilous behavior in the past. It was the only way she had found to cure her chronic insomnia. No matter how comfortable the bed, this woman could not sleep well unless she was fully exhausted from sex or masturbation. So it was really a simple matter for her to stay awake and develop bags under her eyes.
In the morning, the queen was shocked to discover that this girl must be a real princess, as she obviously had not slept well.
And, because this is a fairy tale, the kitchen slut got her way, married the prince who had, incidentally, been searching for a real princess.
And she lived happily ever after.
Moral: Always do a background check before marrying off your children to people who just happen to show up at your door.
