Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight obviously. I don't own Edward Cullen or Jacob Black (Even though I'd really, really, reeeaaallyyy like to!) because my name isn't Stephenie Meyer. I do, however own this fan fiction because I'm the one who wrote it J but my skills aren't as awesome as Steph's. I did enjoy the Twilight Movie but I found a lot of the cheesy ness of it all to be kind of funny…even though I enjoyed it a lot. But still…
Welcome ^_^ this is my first Fanfic on fan for quite some time. I've been meaning to do this, and I think today is the day I should finally get started. I'm a huge fan and I do not make fun of this series out of hatred. It's all good fun poking around and I think it's kind of funny to point out clichés in stories. Also, all the scenes in this movie are not going to be to the T (lol for twilight) exact. I'm going to spoof and make fun of the movie so... please don't try and compare and contrast my spoofing to your illegally downloaded copy of twilight on your computer..Please? be nice :D Okay, so. without further ado. Enjoy!*** Chapter One: The Nightmare Begins.
The credits roll and the movie begins, you can hear popcorn being munched on and soda being slurped.
Girl in the Audience: Wow, this is going to be like, so freakin' amazing. The guy who plays Edward? Holy crap he's soooo hot.
Her Friend: I knoow right?! He's just like, absolutely gorgeous, I'd shag that man.
Girl: I know! Wasn't he in like, Harry Potter or something?
Her Friend: Yeah but like, he's not as cute as he was here in Harry Potter. Here he's sexy because he's Edward (grin)
You: (quietly you think to yourself, Rob Pattinson hasn't really changed much except he's just made his hair spiky…could this be considered a dramatic difference?)
Bella: (the monologue) "I've never given much thought to how I could die…"
The Girl: OH MY GOOOD THAT'S FROM THE BOOK! (giggles and claps)
Her Friend: Oh really? I haven't even read it yet.
The Girl: Oh my god, you're such a poser. How could you like even come here?
Her Friend: 'cause you made me?
The Girl: Oh yeah, right.
You and your Friends: (extremely irritated) SHH!!(The Movie continues)
(Already the scene has been forwarded to the scene where Bella arrives in Port Angeles. You're descent so far but then it's soon forwarded to the scene where Bella finally arrives in Forks. Billy and Jacob are standing there waiting with a smile. You don't remember this part because it's not in the book and it's your job as a devoted fan of this series to take note on every miniscule difference the movie has from the book. ) (They show Bella getting out the car and staring at the dirty red infamous Chevy that Bella drives.)
Charlie: So um, here's your new car Bells. Billy fixed up all the parts for you real nice. I know it's not much to look at but I was too busy whining about how your mom left me to care what kind of car it was.
Bella: …(Stares at it knowing it's really a piece of crap, but wave of excitement suddenly overtakes her) WOW DAD! THANKS THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!
Charlie: Glad you like it, kid! It only cost me 10 bucks and a pack of gum! *wink*
( As Charlie walks over to Billy Black to talk about useless Football nonsense and Bella begins to fall in love with her tortoise moving trap of death, an overly enthusiastic smiling kid with an incredibly bad wig walks over to Bella. )
Jacob Black: Hiya, Bella! Remember me? We used to make mud pies together when we were little!
Part of The Audience (And this is only if you go to see it at the ungodly hours of the night time): (break out into a unison of screams) OH MY GOD!!! ITS JACOB!!!! AHHHH JACOB!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
Girl 1: (Wearing a Jacob T-Shirt) He's so hot!!! I WANT HIS BABIES!!!
Girl 2 (Team Edward): That wig makes him look retarded. He should die.
Girl 3 (Team Switzerland): Hey, isn't that Shark Boy?!
Bella: Oh yeah, no I remember. (warmly smiles) How have you been?
Jacob: Pretty good (grinning and eyes are moving up and down slowly) How have you been? It looks like you've been doing good!
(You think back to the book and try to remember if Jacob is this perverted this early on in the series but since you know Bella doesn't meet Jacob until the La Push beach scene you're just gonna go along with this.)
Bella: (clears throat awkwardly) Yeah, I've been just fine…(quirks an eyebrow)
Girl 2: Hey, I have a good freaking question. That actor is only sixteen years old. So how do they plan on making that mongrel grow so tall in the next movie?
Girl 1: DON'T CALL MY JACOB A MONGREL! YOU'RE JUST MAD BECAUSE JACOB HAS A PULSE AND EDWARD SUCKS BLOOD!
Girl 2: Keep shouting from over there dog lover. I just might have to buy you a muzzle
Girl 3: Sometimes I wonder if people take this series a little too far… Oh well, atleast it's not as bad as Harry Potter, I can only prey to god people aren't going to start buying gold contacts for their eyes.
The Preppy Girl from the Beginning: I HAVE THEM IN RIGHT NOW!! EDWARD TURNED ME HAHA! I SOOO GOT THEM AT THE BREAKING DAWN PARTY IN NEW YOOORK!
You: Can everyone just please shut up?
Jacob: So anyway, (grins) Wanna take this bad boy out for a spin? I fixed all the parts myself. (he pet the hood of the car like it was his long lost calico cat or something )
Bella: I thought Charlie said Billy did.
Jacob: Er…Well obviously not. I mean he's in a wheelchair.
Self Proclaimed Twilight Expert: She's right! (pulls out copy of Twilight that she brought along with her) (pushes up glasses) According to my calculations on page 4 of the book it distinctly says "Billy fixed it up real nice for you Bells' "
Team Swiss: You actually brought that with you to the theater…?
SPTE: Of COURSE! What dedicated fan would not!?
Bella: And aren't you like, fourteen? What are you doing fixing cars? Aren't you a bit young to be driving?
Jacob: Just get in the car.
(Bella shrugged her shoulders and walked to the front seat of the Prehistoric wagon. Jacob in his feeble attempt to be suave bolted for the drivers seat also and in the epic collision of fate his body met Bella's clumsy behavior.)
Jacob: *rubs arm* Um…ow...
Bella: Oh my god, sorry!
Billy: (in an almost theatrical voice) The ancestors of our land shed a tear for this poor girl!
Charlie: What's he talking about ancestors for?
Jacob: Dunno, I just ignore him half the time.
Bella: So Jacob, do you go to school here?
Jacob: No, I go to school off the resort. I live in La Push, you know. La Puuuush? You should say it three times fast it's actually kind of fun.
Bella: …Er, no thanks. I was just saying 'cause it'd be nice to have one (she cringed at the word) "friend" around here.
Jacob: (eyes light up enthusiastically) Does that mean we're FRIENDS!?
Bella: um…sure. I guess.
Jacob: (silently to himself) Yes! Phase one of my plan to win her heart is complete!
Bella: I can hear you…
Jacob: well what do you know, it's time for the next scene! But before I go. (continually checks her out for the next 60 seconds)
Bella: (groans)
****
Well that's the end of the first chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed it as thoroughly as my friends did XD And hopefully it's actually funny and my friends weren't just being polite. R&R and thanks again for taking time out of your day to read this.
