Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Warning: boyxboy
-=oOo=-
Consciousness comes back to Sasuke at the sound of rustling fabric. He blinks once and twice, waiting for the hazy cloud of sleep to clear from his eyes. He lazily extended a hand to the space beside him to where a certain silver haired man should be sleeping. There was no one there.
"Kakashi?" he asks the emptiness. He lifts up his head and scans the room. It was dark but the moonlight from the window faintly illuminated a figure of a person sitting at the edge of the bed. Even with his back turned from him, he could tell that it was no other than the famous copy-nin.
He didn't know why but he found relief at the sight of the man. "Come back here…" He makes the words slip from his mouth like a sweet caress, attempting to seduce the man to get back to bed. It feels empty without Kakashi beside him. He felt so scared and uneasy and the only way he'd feel safe is when he's back in Kakashi's arms. "It feels so cold without you." He coaxed again.
Sasuke gave himself a pat in back for his ingenious. Kakashi slightly turned his head from where he sat and gave him a soft smile. It tugged at his heart and Sasuke extended both arms, reaching out for him like a child wanting his mother to pick him up.
"Did I wake you?" Kakashi asked as he climbed to the middle of the bed.
Sasuke was smiling but it faltered. What was wrong in Kakashi's voice? He knew the melodies those perfect windpipes produced and never has he heard something as sorrowful as this. It was shocking as much as it was confusing. He couldn't talk back and just stared as Kakashi went under the blankets beside him.
"Now get back to sleep." Kakashi sat beside him, preferring to sit at the headboard as he placed Sasuke's head on his lap. "Be there with you in a while."
Sasuke's previous inquiry left him as he felt Kakashi's big, warm hand pat his head. He purred contentedly as long, skillful fingers tenderly ruffled his hair. He wanted to yawn but suppressed it. It feels so safe being with Kakashi, he feels too sleepy to keep thinking.
Just when he was about to enter the gates to dreamland, he hears a sniffle. Sasuke was suddenly shot back into reality and he froze, forgetting to breathe.
Was Kakashi crying?
He was so scared to open his eyes that he pretended to be asleep. As soon as Kakashi stopped patting his head, he heard a muffled cry silenced by hand. Kakashi was crying! He could feel the older man was quivering beneath him.
Sasuke panicked in his head. What was he supposed to do? Would it hurt Kakashi's ego if he saw him crying in the middle of the night? Should he just keep faking sleep? Sasuke gave his internal self a smack his head. Kakashi was obviously upset about something. It was his duty to comfort him.
"Kakashi, what's wrong?" he wrapped both arms around Kakashi's waist. He gave them a gentle squeeze for reassurance. He didn't look up yet because he wasn't ready to see Kakashi's crying face. He feels like he would cry the instant he sees Kakashi's tears. He just buried his head in the man's thigh and navel.
"Do want to talk about your bad dream?" he asked when all he got was a muffled cry in response. Kakashi wasn't talking but instead tried to take deep breaths to calm down. Hearing the grief-stricken sounds made his body shiver in fright. "B-but i-if you don't want to, i-it's fine…" he stuttered, voice disappearing at the end of his sentence.
"I'm s-" was all that Kakashi could utter.
Sasuke feels his heart constrict. Though he feared what he was about to see, he raised his head and looked at Kakashi's face in the darkness. At first all he could make out was Kakashi's head lying on the headboard looking at the ceiling. He had a hand on his mouth and another covering his eyes. When Sasuke inched closer, he could see a faint glow in his cheeks.
Were those tears?
Sasuke could feel his own heart breaking when Kakashi took his hands of his eyes. That instant he felt a prick, like a needle puncturing his heart. Then he could hear his own heart breaking in his ears, like a crunch growing louder and echoing in the room. He feels heat behind his eye sockets and an acid tear flows down his face. Why does seeing Kakashi's tears hurt so much?
"Kakashi…" Sasuke whispered as he looked at the man's tear-stained face. He didn't have his mask on so Sasuke could see his lips trembling. From the way the moonlight hit his face, Sasuke could see how the white of his eyes were bleeding red. They looked so tender and swollen that Sasuke could not bring himself to touch Kakashi's face, in fear that he might break them more.
"Sa...su…ke..." Kakashi called to him with much effort. Sasuke felt another prick in his heart. But then he feels strong hands scoop him up and soon he found himself between Kakashi's neck and shoulder as the man held on to him desperately. He stayed there a little while longer. If this was what Kakashi wanted, he'd let the man do it as long as he wanted to.
In one swift motion, he shifted from his seat and positioned himself on top of the sitting man. He sat on Kakashi's lap and wrapped his arms around his neck so that they could be closer. It felt safe to be in Kakashi's arms and Sasuke hoped that the older man felt the same way with him.
"I-" Sasuke mumbled as he nuzzled in Kakashi's neck. He needed to say something, anything, to comfort Kakashi. He can't just sit here and do nothing when Kakashi was in pain. He must have had a really bad dream to get him stirred up like this. He was so used to Kakashi's idiotic, goofy side that he didn't know how to react to him being so emotional. But he had to try.
Though his body protested, Sasuke freed himself from the strong arms. He put both hands on Kakashi's chest and pushed himself away from the man to get a view of his face. To say at the least, he was breathtaking.
The moonlight gave him a heavenly glow. Even with those sorrowful eyes, Kakashi looked so terribly beautiful. He always believed that Kakashi was perfect but the tears in his face made everything glisten – it was stunning. With half-lidded eyes, he kissed Kakashi's tears away. The task was more difficult than what he expected, as the tears never stopped flowing.
Sasuke pushed his own tears back. Kakashi was hurting so bad. He felt the pain. He always believed that his and Kakashi's heart were connected. What Kakashi felt, he felt it too. He made Kakashi's pain his own, endlessly multiplied a thousand fold. That is why he fought hard to ignore the blood dripping from his punctured heart. Right now, Kakashi needed him and his strength.
"Tell me what's bothering you." He now used a thumb to brush the tears away. "I'll make it go away." That's right. He'd get rid of whatever it was that was making Kakashi sad. He'd do anything for Kakashi. Anything and everything. He'd do it all to make him happy. The sole purpose of his existence is to keep Kakashi smiling. That's right. He'd kill and die for this man. "I'll do it all for you."
Kakashi's reaction was not the one that he was expecting. His words were supposed to give Kakashi some comfort but then the man just broke down in front of him. Whatever control he had before was now gone and he just broke down into loud, sorrowful sobs.
It was confusing but Sasuke couldn't let it faze him. He needed to make Kakashi know that he was determined to make the sadness go away. He must try harder. "I love you so much Kakashi, more than the world, more than myself." He continued with a little smile, to encourage him to speak. "I will do anything for you - just tell me what would make you feel better. I will do it."
It seemed like he was convincing Kakashi because the man was now crying softly. He was taking deep breaths and was now beginning to relax in his hold. The change in Kakashi's response brightened Sasuke's mood considerably. Wow! He must be doing so great because Kakashi was feeling better already. He had to continue telling Kakashi how much he loved him. Kakashi liked those!
"I love you so much Kakashi, I live only for you!" Sasuke half-giggled. The mood was getting lighter. He had to keep this pace up. "Just say the word Kakashi – your wish is my command!" You can bet on it. Whatever passes through those gorgeous lips, he would make sure Kakashi gets it.
"Oh Sasuke," Kakashi lifts his hands and places them on either side of his face. They were so warm and gentle to the touch that it tingled in his skin. "You don't have to do anything." Kakashi hiccupped, struggling to speak when he was fighting his tears. "You have done enough." The man looked straight into his eyes and he could feel his gaze pierce his soul. "You have done so much."
"I have done so little." He frowned and pouted right after. "If I had, you wouldn't have to be sad Kakashi-" he smiled brightly this time. "Because I would do anything to make you happy!"
He was startled as Kakashi suddenly pressed their foreheads together. "Why?" the man whispered as he closed his eyes. "Why did you that hn?" he could feel Kakashi's brows furrow. "You didn't have to do that…" Kakashi's voice was starting to break again. "I love everything about you, I still do. Oh how I miss you so much…"
What was he talking about? Who was he talking to? Is Kakashi sure he's awake and not dreaming? Why was he blabbering about nonsense? It was so confusing. Who did Kakashi miss? His father? A comrade? A lover in the past? His fists clenched as the thought of Kakashi loving another person other than him made him angry. The way that Kakashi cried for him, the way Kakashi said he missed him – it made him so jealous.
"Who is it that you miss Kakashi?" Sasuke unclenched his fists and resorted to caressing the man's shoulders. If Kakashi misses this person, he'd make sure that he would see him again. He wasn't joking when he said he'd do anything. Even if it hurt him, he would do anything. "I'll take him to you."
"You don't understand." Kakashi still had his head in his hands. "You don't have to do anything." It looked like it hurt just to talk but Kakashi was doing his best to make him understand. "I love you no matter who you are. You don't have to change."
"I really don't understand." Sasuke admitted, sulking in his stupidity. He usually can read Kakashi's thoughts but tonight, it was difficult. Kakashi was acting weird. Was he sick? Did he hit his head? "When did I do that?"
"You weren't always like this -" Sasuke felt his heart skip a beat when Kakashi smiled a little as he studied his face. "So carefree, so lively, so innocent. Like a child." His smile was getting bigger and it made Sasuke so happy inside. "You smile so freely and you laugh as if it was breathing." At that he couldn't help but giggle. "You have an optimistic view in life and nothing could get you down." Sasuke blushed - Kakashi could say the sweetest things. "You're cute and fun, not so cold and unfeeling like then."
Cold and unfeeling? "That doesn't sound like me." Sasuke made a curious face. "Are you sure you're talking about me?" he gave Kakashi a light jab to the chest to scold him. He's been cute and fun ever since he could remember. What was Kakashi talking about?
"But even then, you were so beautiful." Kakashi closed his eyes like he was reminiscing. "You had a stern look and the most stoic face – so emotionless and empty." Sasuke shivered as Kakashi ran in fingers in his face, looking at him like he was a goddess of beauty. "You were scary and beautiful at the same time. You were so beautiful like a lifeless doll but your eyes -" Kakashi paused as he brushed his thumbs against his cheeks. Sasuke made sure to keep his eyes open for Kakashi to see. "When you look at me with those eyes, I could feel the life in you – so full of passion and intensity. It was intoxicating."
As much as Sasuke was happy that Kakashi was telling him how beautiful he is, he can't help but wonder how Kakashi thought of him like that. "I'm not scary, am I?" his face twisted in question. Then he made his cheeks blow up and pout.
His efforts paid off because Kakashi smiled again. "You were scary beautiful." Kakashi now played with his hair. "You had a terrible power inside you but you were so graceful, so flawless. Your love was so pure and selfless it scared me to know that you chose to give it to me. I've never thought love could be one-directional. Without leaving any for yourself, you chose to give them to me."
"Of course I'd give them to you." Sasuke rolled his eyes. He never knew Kakashi was so insecure about himself. Can't Kakashi see how lovable he was? He's responsible, understanding and mature. He's protective, compassionate and faithful. He's witty, goofy and dorky. Who wouldn't love Kakashi?
"It scares me even now." Kakashi confessed. "I've been scared since that night I told you that I accepted who you were, that no matter what you did, no matter what you'll do, I will always love you." His smile faltered. "You seemed so happy when you heard those words. I didn't know why but they had special meaning to you that even I couldn't demystify. At that moment you gave yourself to me – your body, your heart, your soul – you gave everything to me."
"Now that sounds like me!" Sasuke clapped once. He didn't really understand anything yet but he was enjoying Kakashi's story. If it means he gets more compliments, maybe he'd ride along. "Tell me more. Tell me more about our love!" he couldn't help but squeak excitedly.
"Our love was an understanding." Kakashi lightly put his hands on his neck to keep him still. "We didn't go on dates, we rarely spent time together, we didn't even talk that much or preferred not to talk at all." Kakashi said all of this with a calm voice. "We didn't joke, we didn't play around, we rarely smiled and laughed."
"That sounds boring." Sasuke let his jaw drop. That clearly isn't very accurate. Life with Kakashi is so much fun! They cook together, clean the house together, do laundry, feed the dog, grocery shop, even brush their teeth together! Kakashi always listens to his stories, he always laughs at his jokes, he always plays with him.
"That was us." Kakashi let a lone tear fall from from his eyes. "We were so in sync with each other that we didn't need to talk. Even when we're far away from each other, we were always together." This thought made Kakashi's lips tremble. "In this cruel and busy world, we were each other's sanctuary. Just knowing the fact that we loved each other – it was enough to keep us going, to keep us happy."
"I feel the same way!" Sasuke blurted out. Kakashi had said a very important thing. "That's what you are to me, Kakashi." He nodded furiously. "You're my sanctuary – I feel so safe when I'm with you." He wrapped his arms around his lover's neck and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "I love you soooo much!"
"I don't deserve any of it." Kakashi hugged him back. "I done you so many wrongs when all you have given me is love." Kakashi's grip on him tightened, almost suffocating him. "You have no idea how much I hurt you. You don't know the weight of my sins."
"Now that's enough Kakashi!" Sasuke feigned anger to get the man to stop. Kakashi had been the perfect boyfriend so he's not going to put up with any of his lies anymore. Kakashi had done nothing but to make him happy. He knew Kakashi would never hurt him. Never!
"Listen to me!" Kakashi was crying as he pleaded. "You must understand!" he held on to Sasuke's shoulders to make him listen. "I was leaving for a very dangerous mission. That night you wished me well and I was so touched. I told you that when I was away, I wanted you to be happy. I told you your happiness is my happiness. I told you as long as you were happy, I wouldn't feel sad while I was away, when I am apart from you. I told you that when you smile, it's gives me the strength to go on." Kakashi frowned. "That was my gravest sin. I regret every single word. I cannot forgive myself."
"Kakashi…" Sasuke could only stare. He's not enjoying this anymore. He knew he's supposed to comfort Kakashi but why is he crying again? Why is he saying stuff about sin and forgiveness? What is he trying to say?
"I came back to the village dying." Kakashi continued, trying to keep his voice firm so that Sasuke doesn't miss a single word. "I was told I needed an operation with very little survival rate. Before they took me away, I did something very unforgivable…"
"You're scaring me now Kakashi." Sasuke looked down and tried to avoid his gaze. His story was not funny anymore. More than that, the man was so serious about this. "Let's stop this." This was really getting out of hand.
"No Sasuke." Kakashi continued, grabbing his face so that he'd look at him again. "Because I did something I shouldn't have done-" Kakashi's voice was breaking. It seems like it took him all his power to continue his sentence. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "- I asked you to smile."
Sasuke was shocked senseless when Kakashi broke down in front of him. He didn't know what to do anymore because right now he could hear Kakashi's heart breaking in his ears. He could hear the cracks so clearly, he could pinpoint the exact second when Kakashi's heart broke into a thousand pieces.
"I wanted my last memory of you to be smiling." He cried between sobs. "I was so foolish that I didn't think about your feelings. I was being selfish, disregarding your feelings, asking you to smile when you felt so hurt and alone, when you were about to lose me."
"I don't want to hear anymore…" Sasuke covered his ears and shook his head. Just imagining Kakashi dying was so painful.
"As soon as I woke up, I looked for you." Kakashi recalled with much difficulty. "When I got home, as soon as I opened the door, you were there." Kakashi broke down again. "You were cooking something, humming a tune as you set up the table. When you finally noticed me, you scolded me, telling me I was late. It made me so happy seeing you like that. You were never so lively."
Kakashi now covered his hands with his eyes, unable to look at him anymore. "As we talked, I noticed something was different about you. You had different memories. You remembered things that didn't happen. You forgot things that you should have known. When you smiled at me, I knew."
Kakashi extended a hand to his face and caressed it lovingly. "You altered your personality. You've sealed away yourself and buried it deep in your heart. You decided to keep smiling for me, something you never would have normally done. You took to heart what I said that night - you made yourself happy so that I'll be happy."
"You did it because you knew," Kakashi clutched at his chest. "You knew I would accept you no matter who you were, no matter who you've become. You were so confident that I would forgive you, whatever you have done. You trusted those words so much that you were willing to lose yourself in exchange for my happiness."
"I will always love you. That will not change." Kakashi repeated. "I wish I could have made you understand that I truly loved you, no matter who you are. I'm not saying that I love you less right now. Or I loved you more before you've changed." Kakashi looked into his eyes so deeply that it pierced his soul. "I make no distinction. I love you. All of you. That part that you sealed away, I love that too."
Sasuke didn't know when he started to cry but he could feel tears in his face. "When I feel that a part of you is suffering, it breaks my heart. I feel so inadequate." Kakashi caressed his face and wiped his tears with his thumbs. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve such pure love." Kakashi kissed him in the cheek. "You shouldn't do any more for me. You have done so much."
With that Kakashi pat his head and hugged him close. Kakashi laid him down the bed and kissed him goodnight. He rested his head on Kakashi's chest. It felt so safe again, even though Kakashi had said so many things he couldn't understand.
Had all of it been true? Is this not a very bad bedtime story? If it was true, are all his memories fabricated? Had he really done all of that? He loved Kakashi so much that he sealed a part of himself to make him happy?
Yes. Because he loved Kakashi so much that he would do anything – anything to make him happy.
And to make him happy, although Kakashi told him not to do any more, he had to do another thing.
"Um, are you awake? Can I...ask you something?" he looked at the boy trapped in the cell. He had trouble finding him; it took him a lot of time. The boy was sealed at the deepest part of his heart.
"What do you want?"
The boy looked like him but not really. He had the emotionless face Kakashi was describing. His voice was scary too. "Kakashi misses you so much. He cried last night because he wanted to see you so badly. Can't you can't out from there and make him happy again?"
"What he thinks that he wants is not the same as what he needs." The other him answered.
"He won't be happy unless you come back."
"He is happy as long as you are happy." The other him answered. "He said it himself. Your happiness is his happiness. No matter what we've done, no matter who we are, he will always love us. Don't you think that Kakashi needs to be happy? Don't you think he deserves someone who will make him happy?
"But you can do that!" he shouted to make his point. "Just by being yourself, you can make him happy!"
"Don't you think I know that?" the other him snapped back. "Don't you know that by staying as I am, I am hurting him every day? Have you seen him look at other couples while walking down the street? Have you seen how his eyes linger at their smiles, envious of their laughs and jokes? Have you seen him open his mouth and yet say nothing, always careful with his words because his lover is an overly-sensitive emotional wreck?"
"But he's happy with you like that. He misses you."
"You don't get it do you?" the other him sighed. "You don't seem to value him so much. He doesn't smile when he's around me but with you, he could smile without any worries. Do you know how precious that smile is? Do you want that to disappear?"
"But you can make him smile yourself!"
"No I can't! After all I've been through, after all I've done, I cannot!" the other him shouted now. "I cannot let go of my pride. How can I smile knowing that my lips have uttered spells that killed innocent people? If I do that, I am no longer human and you will agree with me that Kakashi does not deserve a demon. Not even if he says he will love one, Kakashi does not deserve to be loved by a demon."
"But all you're doing is running away! If you have a problem, you and Kakashi should solve it together! You can't force your decisions on him! It's so selfish."
"Do you think I enjoy being here?" the other him asked him with a smirk. "Do you think I do not miss his sweet caress? Do you think I like that he no longer embraces me? There is not a second that passes that I do not wish that he was making love to me. There is not a time when I do not miss him. Did you think that this was an easy decision? Do you think I have not tried every option? I would have done anything to make Kakashi happy. Won't you?"
"I will," he answered truthfully. "I will do anything to make him happy."
"You have to make him happy now." The other him concluded. "If you meant what you said, then you'd make him happy without me. If you cannot do this, then it means you do not love him."
"He said he won't forgive himself!" He stood his ground.
"He will learn to forgive himself in time. You must put your faith in him." The other him instructed. "If he learns that you are unhappy that he's not forgiven himself, he will surely do it for you. If he can forgive himself for me, he can forgive himself for you."
It seems like the other him cannot be convinced. He knew himself. They were such stubborn beings.
"I broke his heart today. I could hear his heart breaking." he confessed. "I cannot make him happy too." He smiled in defeat. "We must do this together. Together, we can make him happy."
The boy in the cell looks up at him.
"I exist because you have hope. I am a representation of your dreams – everything that you'd like for yourself to be, everything that you think Kakashi deserves in you. Kakashi loves us. He loves Sasuke – everything about him. By being sealed away, you're holding back and not giving him everything of you."
There was a loud clicking sound, like a key opening a lock. Then he finds himself being hugged by the other boy.
"Good job, Sasuke." He told him. "I have waited so long for you to come and rescue me. You did so admirably." He had his back patted. "Because of you, I can finally put down my pride and change myself. We can finally make him happy, together. As the person that he loved and as the person that he will come to love."
Then that boy smiled.
Sasuke awakes. He is still resting against Kakashi's chest. He looks up at Kakashi's face. There was traces in his face that indicated he had a rough night. Even though he is happy so see him resting peacefully, he suppresses the urge to smile and just cherishes the sight before him. He wants to tell him that he loved Kakashi so much but refuses to utter the word.
As if Kakashi was hearing his thoughts, the man awakes too. The first thing the older's sleepy eyes lands upon was his own. They looked at each other, their souls communicating for them. He could tell that Kakashi missed him and that he was glad that he's back. He poured out all his feeling, not leaving any restraints. Kakashi tightened his hold of him and went back to sleep without nothing more done and said.
They had expressed everything that they wanted to say with a glance.
-=oOo=-
A/N: Thank you for reading my story! I was supposed to update my other story but this plot just came to me and I had to write it first to get it out of my system. I'm planning to make this a series of angst/ tragic/dark Kakasasu one shots. What do you think? Please review - that would really help me! THANK YOU!
