The Day Muffins Ruled

By: Cap Cid Highwind

Cid: Muffins have overpowered my nostrils!

Tifa: Is this a fact?

Cid: Indeed! Not just the odor, but the physical muffin itself!

Barret: You mus' be on da' crack-cocaine, foo'.

Cid: Untrue, my dear colored friend! The threat of muffins on my smelling organ is quite real.

Barret: Honky! Who you callin' 'colored', you damn old redneck!

Cid: Hey now! Stop callin' me names! I got troubles with these damn muffins and nonna ya' give a shit!

Cloud: Well, I'd love to "give a shit," as you say, but I'm busy having emotional problems over here in Crazyland.

Tifa: So Crazyland is that empty refridgerator box?

[Cloud is sitting in a big fridge box, the word "CrAzYlaNd" written on it in purple crayon]

Cloud: Uh....well duh. Read the damn sign.

Cid: Look here now, there's a muffin crawling up my nose RIGHT NOW. SEE!? LOOK! DAMMIT! LOOK!

Tifa: Sorry, we're busy looking at this TV. Rufus is on.

Cid: YOU SHITS! Rufus is crap on my boot compared to these NOSE MUFFINS!

Barret: Shu'up, foo'!

[The TV shows Rufus, who is dressed like Madonna]

Rufus: Hello. I am Rufus. You may have noticed that I look somewhat different. I've decided to join a special convent out in Mideel. It's a place where men, such as myself, may don feminine dominatrix clothing and bake muffins all day long. I have appointed Domino as the new President. Good day to you all.

Cid: Muffins! It's a Shin-Ra plot! I knew it! Shin-Ra and ALIENS!

Cloud: Gee, I wonder how long it'll be before Midgar crumbles under Domino's lead?

[Seconds later, Midgar collapses, explodes then sinks into the ground]

Cid: Shit.

Barret: Hey man, I'm going to Mideel. Tifa, lend me your spiral cone bra and bullwhip.

Tifa: Okay. I'll get them from my "Room of Desire."

Cloud: You have a room of desire? Why don't I know about this?

Tifa: Oh...it's a..uh...hobby.

Cloud: I see. Hey! Waitaminute!

Cid: THE MUFFINS ARE CHEWING ON MY BRAINS!! AAUUGHH!

The End

All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1997