Things Potter must stop doing before Lily Evans will go out with him

Going within five metres of me. I will make an exception during lessons, but stealing my subject chooses and modifying them, so they are identical to yours, does not persuade me to like you.

Writing, I love you, Evan in the Great Hall will not win you my affections either, particularly since I was blamed, as there were no proof that it was you. This is, incidentally, mildly mad, since I do not love myself, and I would certainly not call myself 'Evan'. Unlike you, I have learnt to spell.

Telling me that "I told you so" about Severus being evil is not clever, and it will only result in you being hexed. Okay, I won't hex you, being a prefect, but I will make Black hex you. He enjoys doing it, and then I can give him detention.

Dressing up as Marlene Mckinnon and telling me that I should definitely date you is not one of your best ideas. I would like to remind you that Marlene does this on a very frequent basis, without you going to the bother of dressing yourself in a pink dress. You did, however, look very fetching.

The fact that I still have photos of you in a pink dress does not mean I am keeping them close to my heart, because I love you. I am waiting for Sirius Black to pay the sum he promised me.

Hurling mud at my boyfriend does not make me like you. As a matter of fact, he wasn't my boyfriend, but it still doesn't make me like you. After showering, I was forced to wash the bath out, since it was thick with mud. This took a long time.

I have no interest in quidditch. Therefore you telling me a extreme detail about whether I saw you hurling the quiffle in the goal-hoops does not make me fall over in love. The reason I fell over was because your charming friend tried to push me into your arms

Stop getting Black to push me into your arms. Also inform him that there is a noticeable difference between the Giant Squid's arms, and yours.

I admit that charming your Head Boy and Quidditch Captain badges to sing, "Look, Lily, I'm Head Boy (or Quidditch Captain)! A very responsible post! Responsible, that is! Very responsible! And being as important as that, Dumbledore must think I'm clever, cool and hot, so date me!" does make them more noticeable, but it is not positive attention. Please stop bothering me about correcting them to say, after hot, something about him not thinking that you are hot, just noticing, but not fancying you. None of us have any doubt that Dumbledore does not fancy you- and Black does not count.

Stop smirking at me. It makes me hot and bothered, and it merely shows that you are arrogant. Also, I am unable to speak when you are smirking at me, and I keep thinking most unsavoury thought, like losing my virginity to you.

If you smirk when you read that, I swear I will kill you. And this time, killing will not involve tongue.