Do you know that these days I hardly ever get any sleep? I'm running on three or four hours per night. I'm not sick though. I promise. Princess Kakyuu would have my head if I were, and left it like this.

I think you can tell that I am always tired in the mornings. I think you can see that I am hardly ever able to keep my eyes open during breakfast. We work together… so I think you can see that I just manage to run through all my duties, and that I am starting to need more and more rest in between breaks nowadays.

You three know me so well. You know that I need over 10 hours sleep, otherwise I can't run properly. So you think that this annoys me. It really doesn't, you know. I don't mind. What I am doing makes all this tiredness worth it. Do you want to know the reason for all this?

Secret Sorrow – Those Sleepless Nights.

~*~*~

kanashimi no hontou no wake kikanaide tsuyoku dakishimeta

tsuki akari kimi o terashite boku wa tada itoshisa tsunorase

setsunakute nemurenai

~*~*~

… You always scream at night. Loudly, at midnight when nobody is around to hear you.

I am that one exception. I am the only person who can hear you. I am the only person who is awake at that time. I'm surprised, really, that it's me. Although, I would think that you would have made more effort to block me. You know how powerful an empath I am. You know that it would take another empath or one with an exceptionally strong will to block me. You know that I have cultivated this talent for years; otherwise perhaps, I wouldn't be this strong so you should know better then this.

But… why me? Why am I the only one? Am I the right person for this? Should I be the one there?

Fighter… Nobody hears you when you scream and cry out for… they never hear you… I suppose, if you knew, you would be very glad. I don't dare ask, but I think that you subconsciously blocked yourself from the Princess, and from Maker. Otherwise, the Princess would've been the one there instead of me. You didn't want to worry her or Maker, or remind them of the past and so you blocked your cries from them. I haven't tried to see how strong the shield is, you could easily detect my presence, or you could just as easily realize that someone had tried to tamper with your shields. It obviously hasn't worked with me though, blocking. Remember? I'm too powerful for that. You do realize that locking it inside doesn't help, yes? You do realize that don't you.

Honestly… I don't think that you do. But don't worry. I promise that I won't tell anybody of this, but only because I think that I can help you. And me helping you will spare you this humiliation. You don't like having this weakness. It's really sad. You're too 'macho,' too proud for your own good. I think you could almost make me laugh. Ha, you have strange ideas of how you should be seen.

But, Fighter, are you aware of the fact that I know what you dream about? Are you aware of the fact that through these… sessions, so to speak, that I know everything about you?

It's sad to say, but I know you more then you know yourself.

----------

That very first time, when it started, I was jolted out of my sleep. One moment I was floating in a peaceful abyss, every muscle relaxed, and the next moment, I was pulled out of it. I'd sat up, I was gasping, and sweat poured out of my skin. I was breathing harshly, my chest rising and falling irregularly as I struggled to pull in air, and all I could think of was that loud, horrible scream. Occasionally, a whimper, or a cry would pull through, or another scream. Occasionally it would go on, and on, and on. I wondered why nobody else was awake, before; finally, the fact that this was a telepathic shout alerted me. I didn't know who it was then, though voice was familiar but I couldn't think, and so I didn't do anything. I did not get any sleep that night.

----------

It happened several more times before I gave up. Three more nights in a row I was awoken, and left to lie awake in bed for the remainder of the night. The next time, I stayed up, curled in my arm chair with a book. I couldn't concentrate though, I was waiting for that time, and I was still weary. It started again, at around midnight. This time, I got up, focused my shields, shutting out everybody else, singling out that one person. Slowly, quietly, I followed those telepathic shrieks. I was walking; I'd passed Maker's chambers, when all of a sudden it hit me; whose voice that was. Whose voice that was so damn familiar.

Fighter…

As I got closer and closer to you, those cries got louder and louder. Finally I stood outside your chambers, wondering what to do. I held an internal argument with myself, trying to decide my next course of action. Should I wake you up? Should I try to soothe you, and your dreams? Should I inform Kakyuu-sama? I discarded that final one, at first because I thought that you would not appreciate it. But, as I thought some more, I knew that this would be more beneficial for you. And... for some reason... I wanted to...

Fighter, you were ever so proud. I stared at the door for a few more moments, before coming to my decision. I would tell Kakyuu-sama – but only if I myself was unable to do anything. My gift was empathy. I would use that to soothe you.

And then... I stepped forward, and opened your door.

~*~*~

without asking for the true reason of sadness, I tightly held you

the moon's light illuminated you I simply invited the love

It's painful I can't sleep

~*~*~

You screamed again tonight. I came again, and you were thrashing in your bed, muttering, cursing. You were trying desperately not to cry as the Princess left. You relived the Princess' last moments, her last words echoing in your mind. You…

So, I do what I have done for all these nights, and I sit by your bed and I take you gently into my arms. You still move though, whimpering, but I'm careful, I'm gentle, and slowly, you're features calm down until you are sleeping properly. I don't leave though. If I do, you might start again. I have to make sure that they won't come back for the rest of the night. You never wake when I am here though.

I know that Maker does not suffer from these nightmares, or I would've stayed with her as well. Why, is it just you? Why, after all those years do you still think back? Do you think that you are lacking, as our leader? Do you think that you failed your Princess?

It's not fair, you know, for you to feel like that. It's not fair that you put yourself through all this. Maker and I do know. We were there with you. If anything, it should be either one of us. We were the ones that so easily lost hope during That Time. But you kept going, always striving towards our goal. You were the one that knew believing in supporting Sailor Moon, we were supporting our Princess. You never gave up at all, did you?

Do you think that this is fair? Lying here now, in my arms, you sleep so peacefully. But I know, that it's not me that should be here. It's not fair. But I'm the only one who knows so…

So you'll just have to deal with it.

It won't matter, anyway. You won't remember a single thing in the morning. You never do.

The results of my nightly activities are starting to show through though. I don't have anything to cover up the bags under my eyes, except for some make up. It works, but the Princess can still see what's wrong with me. She never asks what is wrong though. I don't let her. I know she worries, but when I smile at her, I send her my reassurances and… and I ask her not to worry, and so she averts her eyes.

Even if I were to say anything, though, I think you would get very angry. I think that you'd show a cold face to the world over this, but inside you'd be mortified at your 'weakness'. You would be angry at me, for knowing about it and coming to you.

You are this reason why I can never get more then a few hours of sleep every single night.

You don't know that do you.

----------

When I am there, I very slowly lower myself onto your bed, and make myself comfortable. I could be there for a long while, and it would not do for me to get cramps. Then, I slowly, take you into my arms, and I might hum a lullaby or I might tell you a story, but when I do, I always project those feelings of reassurance. I would look into your dreams to see what worries you so but… I never like what... I see. Sometimes, after I go back to my bed, I cry myself to sleep.

----------

Dark space. Emptiness all around me. No sound, no wind, nothing. I turn around, and I see you, and Maker standing there. We don't say anything for a while; we just stare at each other. I wonder vaguely if the two of you are real, and, so I lean forward. I feel so relieved when my hands touch solid flesh. But, it's scary here, though. So lonely, so strange, so... quiet... It's so silent... Your lips are starting to move, but no matter what I do I can't hear what you are saying. You are obviously repeating yourself, now, and judging by Maker's reaction, she can't hear a word either. She mouths a word.

'What?' Strange. I can't hear her either. Why? Why am I deaf to your voices?

You say it again, your face getting more frantic. I can feel the desperation rolling off you in waves. Your eyes widen, and you raise a gloved hand pointing frantically behind me. I turn around, and gasp.

Princess Kakyuu…

She's there…

Eagerly, I raise my own hands, my lips moving, calling her. No sound comes out! I keep trying, I keep shouting, but she's moving further and further away, her features look so sad! She looks so tired. I struggle to run after her…

I feel you and Maker join me, struggling to chase after her. But still, no matter how much we try to call, she still moves away.

Further…

Further…

"Kakyuu-sama! Where?! Kakyuu-sama! Don't leave!!!"

~*~*~

End Verse

End Chapter