Fairytale of New York
I couldn't help but to wonder how I had come up with that absolutely and completely stupid idea. He had said straight in my face that he never wanted to see me again. And yet here I was stalking him down.
It was fucking freezing. The train rolled in at the station eighteen to one, it was Christmas Eve. The station was all crowded with people running around, a mother was dragging her daughter who rather wanted to watch the full size dancing Santa Claus than to come along with her, "Please honey, we'll miss the train to grandma and grandpa". My grandparents wouldn't come and visit us in Fairview this year, and I was just glad about it. I knew it was my mum who had provoked them, but still it was them who turned away from me and took my money when they saw who I really was. And after mum threw mother Hodges out it would only be the four of us celebrating Christmas in a way too decorated house and more food than you'd need for a whole year. I stopped enjoying Christmas when I was a kid, all the decorations all over the house you weren't allowed to touch, weird food you had to eat just because it was Christmas and you couldn't play any tricks because then Santa wouldn't bring any toys. When I eventually 'got to know' about Santa I felt betrayed and begun hating Christmas even more. So I didn't have any hard feelings on leaving in the middle of the holiday celebration. But I didn't tell anyone, especially my mum would've done everything to stop me, I just left a note in my room which meant they wouldn't find it until they begun looking for me and I was far away. Foolish me had thought that it couldn't get any worse than to stay there celebrating 'perfect Christmas', but on the trip I had begun to actually understand what it was I was up to and wonder where the hell I could've gotten such a stupid idea from, this was a million times worse, there was a reason I hadn't gone after him earlier! I had found out that he'd gone to New York almost immediately after I came back. But I hadn't done anything about it, just sitting there and seen him disappear from my life.
I had managed to threaten John enough to tell me where I could find Justin. Justin wasn't going home for Christmas; probably his parents still didn't talk to him. Apparently he was working in some café near Central Park; he'd given me a street, no number. And he'd refused to give me Justin's number. "If you're going to apologize to him, and have the slightest chance of forgiveness you have to do it to his face." And I guess he was right. I looked at the map and found out that there were like 20 cafés on that street. Well, I deserve it, I thought and began to take visit them one by one. And of course I began in the wrong end, because it wasn't until I had visited 17 cafés and asked for a Justin I got lucky, well there had actually been a Justin working on one of the first one I visited, but yeah, wrong one. I didn't even have to ask, when I got in there he was just standing there in front of me and I couldn't understand it really was him. He was so much more beautiful than I'd allowed myself to remember. Totally focused on what he was doing he didn't pay me any attention until it was time for him to take my order.
"Yeah?" His eyes froze at the
look of me.
"Hi." He just stared at me not
saying a word. "I wanna talk, please, just let me…" suddenly
just turned around and walked away "…explain". I didn't know
what to do, I had expected at least some kind of reaction. With no
one serving a queue had started to build behind me. Then a woman came
out, but instead of taking care of the costumers she started to yell
at me.
"What the hell did you do to upset Justin like that?"
I was shocked.
"Err…I just said I wanted to talk
to him."
"And who the hell are you?"
"Andrew."
"Andrew?"
"I'm from Fairview."
"Oh, you're him, aren't
you?"
"I guess…" She started the
screaming again.
"You have no right to come here
after what you did to him." The people behind me were getting very
anxious, but she didn't seem to care.
"But I was gonna apologize to him."
"You think you can just come here
and apologize? We don't want you here! Just Leave!" The shock had
left and now I was just really mad at this woman for interfering, who
the hell did she think she was?
"I am not going anyway, I'm gonna stay here until he
listens to what I have to say, then I can go and leave him forever if
that's what he wants." She got a bit calmer.
"Don't you understand that he
doesn't want to listen to what you have to say?"
"But I just travelled across the whole country just to
come here and talk to him."
"He moved across the whole country
just to get away from you, and all the pain you caused him."
"I know I don't deserve another
chance, he doesn't owe me a thing, but please it's Christmas."
"Ok, sit down and I'll talk to him."
She had come back and said he was
considering coming out. But I had to wait over an hour before I saw
him come back out.
"My shift is over, we can go out, and I will listen."
But there wasn't a sign of a smile on his lips.
"Ok." When we got out it was even
more cold than it'd been before, I wasn't used to that cold
climate I didn't own a jacket warm enough for that cold, and it
hadn't struck myself to buy one. He stood in front on me and
obviously he wanted me to begin. I don't know how many hours I had
spent trying to come up with a good way to tell him how I really
felt, but as I stood there in front of him I couldn't remember a
thing.
"Eh, Justin, I am so sorry for
everything I've put you through." Justin didn't seem at all
satisfied and I was shivering from the cold. "No one deserves to be
treated like I did to you and I'll do anything to make up for it,
if you just could find it in you heart to forgive me." I didn't
think of the cold any longer.
"Give me just one reason why you deserve to be
forgiven."
"Because I am sorry" Justin got
furious.
"If you knew how much I tried,
every day to just stop loving you. I banned God for my incapacity to
stop loving you. I hated that I loved you. I thought that after this
time I didn't any more. But all I had to do was see you and it all
hit me back, all memories and my complete devotion to you. I don't
wanna go back there! Can't you understand that? I spent so much
energy trying to forget. You have no right coming here and…" he
looked as he was going to leave; I knew this was now or never, I had
to finally say it.
"But I…I love you." He froze in
his movement, looking straight into my eyes.
"You love me?"
"Of course I do. How could I not?
You are the most beautiful person I know. I'm so happy that once
you actually loved me, and I hate myself for destroying what we had."
I had decided not to cry, but now I could feel the tears burning, an
I felt like such a dork. Justin said nothing. "I have, you know,
never talked about my feeling like this." Silence. "Every day
without you make my life look more pointless." I saw a small tear
leave Justin's eye and flow down the cheek. "Please, I know I
don't deserve a second chance, but I am begging you to give me one
anyway." The tears on Justin's cheeks increased by number and I
felt one leaving my eye and flow slowly flow down the cheek.
"There is one part of me that wants
nothing more than to just have you back, but the rest of me is scared
to death that you will hurt me again. I couldn't cope that." He
took one step closer. "I can't forgive you yet, but I can't
live without you so that either, so…" I wiped off the tears on
his cheeks with the back of my hand, he bent forward and sought my
lips with his. It felt like I had been dead and Justin brought me
back to life with his soft kiss. I wrapped my arms tightly around his
body and so did he. The kiss lasted for and eternity, at least it
felt like it.
When my lips parted form Justin's it struck me how
incredibly cold it was and how my body was shaking. Justin also
noticed.
"My god, we have to get you
inside." He took my hand and dragged me back into the café.
He put me down by a table and went away and came back with hot coco
with mini marshmallows. I started to drink it before Justin had time
to stop me. I burnt my tongue, Justin begun to laugh.
"Have you never learnt that you
can't drink while it's hot?!"
"No, my mum never serves anything
that hasn't the perfect temperature." Justin laughed even
more.
"So, that means you're back home
again?"
"Yeah, she came searching for me
after a few months, I was too ashamed to go back and ask for
forgiveness, but she came after me, I had never thought she would."
"I tried to tell you all the time she loved you."
"I know, but I couldn't believe it. I couldn't
believe you really loved me either, I thought I didn't deserve your
love, well I still do."
"You have to learn to trust people."
"I guess…" There was a moment
of silence before Justin spoke again, now sounding very serious.
"You didn't run away, like your mother told me,
right?"
"No, I didn't, how'd you know?"
"Because I know you Andrew and I
guessed you'd finally gotten your revenge, and gotten your
sorry ass kicked out."
"True."
"But what was it did you do to
her?"
"I don't think this is the best
moment." Justin looked a bit offended.
"If you wanna prove to me that you do deserve my love
you better start being honest to me."
"I know, but it's just…"
Justin looked as he was going to leave which made me panic, "I
slept with Peter!" I blurted out, realizing I had kind of shouted
as all the guests in the café turned around looking at me
strangely. And Justin was staring. "I didn't want you to know
like this." He said nothing. "I don't even know why I did it, I
was just so determined to make her suffer, it wasn't until after I
realized what it was I had done to her and to you, and I promise you
I feel so ashamed about it, I guess you hate me now." Strangely
Justin begun to smile.
"You are so stupid Andrew Van De
Kamp, lucky you I couldn't hate you."
"Really?! Not even after this."
"You've done worse things than
that, at least to told me the truth, that's what matter most to me.
And yeah, how stupid it might be, I still love you…" I was going
to kiss his cheek, but he turned his head and I 'missed' and got
the lips instead.
"Do you think you could go back out now? It's not
that far to my apartment."
"Sure, now I'm warm again." He
took my hand and we walked the streets of New York until we got to
his apartment. It was really small but cosy, apparently he shared it
with that girl who had been screaming at me in the café,
Laura. Justin took a shower, I thought about going in and join him,
but figured it could maybe be a little too soon. So I just lay by the
really tiny TV and watched some god forsaken old movie in black and
white. He came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Oh,
my god, I thought, I had forgotten how great his body looked. Then he
started to dry his hair with the towel, exposing all of him in his
beauty. I was aware that I was staring, but I couldn't help it, he
looked so beautiful. And his playful smile was the cutest I had ever
seen. Then he just turned around and walked into the room whish I
guessed was his bedroom. I followed him in and came up from behind
closing my arms around his waist and kissing his neck. He giggled and
sighed a little, then he turned around and met my lips with his.
The kissing got rougher by the second and I grabbed his hips. But
then suddenly he pulled away.
"We can't do this now."
"What? Why?"
"You have to buy me an awfully
expensive and romantic dinner first." God, how I loved that boy!
"Get dressed and let's go then." He kissed me on
the nose and then walked over to the drawer to find something to
wear.
Justin had lent me a whole kit; scarf, cap, mittens and a jacket. I felt like I was dressed for going to the North pole, but as I got out I was grateful for every piece of clothe I was wearing, because I'm telling you, as cold as it was there it has never been on the North pole! As we walked there down the streets dressed from top to toe seeing all the decorations and holding hand it struck me how incredibly romantic it was. Justin was laughing and smiling and I felt like I couldn't get any happier. I hadn't brought that much money so we all I could come up with was a little shabby but very cute Chinese restaurant on a backstreet. The place was totally empty and the waiter got all exited to see there were some guests and really treated us like royalty. We ate ten small courses and it all tasted delicious, I couldn't hold my hands off of him, and neither could he, and we kept feeding one another, it wasn't expensive, but it sure as hell was romantic. When we were finished I was so full I couldn't have squeezed down another piece of food even if my life depended on it, Justin seemed to share the feeling. When we got back out on the street in had begun to snow. I had never seen snow for real before. I was so beautiful, all the flakes swirling against the black sky, glimmering like crystals. We were standing in the corner of two streets and I just felt the urge to pull him closer and kiss him. His sweet soft lips, I really couldn't understand how I had survived all those months without tasting them.
"You wanna ice skate?" Justin
suddenly asked and pointed at a skating rink in the park."I don't know how to ice skate."
"That's what I thought" he said
and smiled his just too cute smile "I'll teach you". Justin
dragged me over to the rental desk and got us two pairs of ice
skates. Then he helped me tying them on and then after he did his, he
helped me out on the ice.
"Remember, it's like inlines just little more
slippery." And slippery it was, all I had was to take a step out on
the ice and I almost fell. But he was holding me tight and I was
safe. After a while I almost managed to keep the balance all by
myself.
"Told you, it wasn't that hard."
He said. I got very proud and straightened up, then I fell to the
ice. Justin started to laugh, and as I understood it probably was a
pretty fun sight, all I could do was to join in with his laughter. He
helped me up and we begun skating again. After an hour I was very
tired, Justin had went away and came back with hot chocolate. This
time he was fast enough to stop me when I immediately wanted to taste
the hot drink. Somewhere not far away a choir was singing Oh Holy
Night and for the first time in my life I felt that Christmas
really was something beautiful.
It was almost midnight when we got
back to the appartment. After having come out of all layers of
clothes I threw myself exhausted on the couch.
"If you're that tired, maybe it's no idea if we…"
Justin said with a smirk.
"I don't think so" I said and
got up chasing him into the bedroom. I threw him on the bed and
almost ripped his clothes in my violent attempts to get them off him.
I kissed him everywhere. He was breathing heavily, and really seamed
to love my treatment. Though the fabric of his boxers I could feel
his hardness pulsing, I let it out and grabbed him. My hand slowly
stroke him up and down feeling very single vein. My mouth wandered up
his chest making a quick stop at the nipple then continued up the
neck, licking it, biting it. Soft whimpers left him. Then he got on
top of me and made his way down. He took all my length in his mouth.
That was so great! His tongue played with the head and he was sucking
me like a fucking candy Kane, it was wonderful. He turned over and
begun licking me, and I tell you, that tongue of his really could do
magic! I was moaning loud when I suddenly got to think about Justin's
roommate Laura, I hoped for her sake that she wasn't in the next
room. But then he slid in one of his fingers and I couldn't care
less, I moaned out loud in pleasure. He slid in one more finger and
eventually a third. I took the lube and made him ready to come in. I
lay down on my stomach, he was on top and slowly he entered me.
"Oh, god!" I moaned. He kissed my
shoulders and neck. This is true love, I thought as I felt him
thrusting into me. He did it slowly as he knew I loved. His body next
to mine both wet from sweat. Then he begun going faster and I almost
screamed as I came, Justin wasn't too quite either. Then we just
lay there, he still on top of me, catching our breath totally
exhausted.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." It really was a
holy night!
Then I guess I must've fallen
asleep, because the next thing it was morning. Justin had his strong
arms closely wrapped around me. It was Christmas morning, by far the
best in my life. I suddenly felt an urge to go to the bathroom, I
crawled out of his embrace, he still slept like a baby, and got up.
As I was heading back to the bed a phone stared to ring, after
looking a while I found it was Justin's cell. The display said:
ADRIAN. I can't say I really thought much, I just answered it.
"Justin's phone, it's Andrew." There was just
silence. "Hello?" I was just about to hang up when a voice said.
"Andrew?"
"Yeah, I'm a friend of Justin's.
He's sleeping, but if it's important I can wake him up."
"You are that Andrew, from Fairview, right?"
"That's correct, and who are you?"
"I'm Adrian, Justin's
boyfriend." I'm amazed I didn't die where I stood.
"What?!"
"So, he hasn't mentioned me?"
"You bet he hasn't!" I
screamed, I was completely so furious.
"How do you dare contact him again after what you did
to him!" He was also screaming.
"He's forgiven me!"
"He's forgiven you?"
"Yeah, that's right!"
"You're a liar!"
"I can put him on and let him tell
you about the magnificent sex we had last night!" He hung up which
in some way made me feel victorious!
"Why are you screaming" A very
tired Justin was standing in the door stand.
"You'd like to know that, don't
you?" He looked really confused.
"What's wrong with you?"
"Oh, I am perfectly fine! I just
had a lovely chat with ADRIAN!" He got pale.
"Oh!"
"Yeah, that's the least you could say! He's
apparently claming to be you BOYFRIEND!"
"Andrew, I can explain…"
"Don't bother. Do you think I'm
fucking STUPID?! I understand that you wanted to see other people
after I let you down. And I perfectly understand that he fell for
you. What I don't understand is that in the whole day you couldn't
get yourself to tell me that you had a boyfriend. You said that
truth's all that matters, and still you said nothing about that
fucking Adrian!"
"Andrew, I'm so sorry, I didn't know how to."
"Were you even serious when you
said you wanted to get back together? Or was this just a game for
you. Your chance for some quality sex when you boyfriend was away, is
he that bad!?" Now it was Justin who got furious, I had never seen
him this mad before.
"You asshole! Who do you think you
are? After all you put me through!"
"You forgave me! Remember?!"
"Clearly I made a big mistake! You
haven't changed a bit!" I clenched my fist, he must've noticed.
"You don't wanna do that!"
"Why?"
"Because you know how hard I can
beat you back, and this time I won't bother if I mess up you face!"
"And you know how much I can take!"
We stood there just staring at each other, my whole body was pumping
adrenaline, I had never been so angry in my entire life. Then I
couldn't stay there a second longer.
"So, fine I'm out of here. You
cheap lousy liar!"
"Oh good! You fucking ass!"
"I never wanna see you again!"
"Good!" I picked my stuff and got
out making sure to slam the door very hard! I hadn't even bothered
to put my clothes on so I got dressed in the stairs. Then I got out.
I had no jacket, it wasn't as cold as the day before, but it was
raining. There was sleet which made the streets grey, and I got
soaking wet on my way back to the train station.
