The characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto and the Top Model format I guess belongs to CW and Tyra Banks.
Haku and Orochimaru will be referred to as either he or she depending on whether the person from whose POW the bit is being told knows their gender.
And finally: This whole thing is a joke. I love Naruto, I love all the characters (well, Kakashi not so much) and I love Top Model. But hey, it's fun to make fun of things I love.
Dedicated to Pihlajatar, who made me do it:)
***
"You fucking idiots! You goddamn retarded sons of fucking whores!" Hidan is so angry his face is pink. In his fit of rage he's already sent two dress dummies crashing against the wall. Pain and Madara stand still at a safe distance, everyone else has backed away against the wall behind them. They all know that trying to stop Hidan before he's gotten it all out of his system is not only useless, but dangerous. Hidan turns around and shakes his hand at the two men. His usually immaculately styled silver hair is flying all over the place in stiff gelled spikes and he's breathing so deeply his shoulders are shaking.
"I'll have you know, fucking bitches, that I will not take responsibility of my actions if you go through with this."
"We're aware of that," Madara says, sounding slightly bored. He's the founder, owner, and sole dictator of Akatsuki Fashions, and doesn't really have to listen to this if he doesn't want to. His general manager and right hand man Pain is slightly more worried-looking, he'll be the one to clean up after Hidan's little display of indignation.
"You're aware of that." Hidan takes a few steps away and throws his hands in the air. "Well, isn't that fucking great. The fact that you're aware you're ruining our work and this company and fucking EVERYTHING makes it all ok. I feel better already."
Madara rubs his eyes. He can feel a nasty headache knocking somewhere behind his eyeballs and he really doesn't have time for this.
"Ok. Ok. Everyone, listen to me. I'm only saying this once. The deal is happening, it's happening whether any of you like it or not. You know why? Because this is my company. My name, my money and my plan. I am the Akatsuki. None of you are irreplaceable; do not, for a minute, kid yourselves thinking that. I'm sick of being a goddamn babysitter." He glares at all of them. Hidan is standing by his desk, arms crossed and his lower lip jutting out, like an angry toddler.
Madara ignores him and walks up to the door. "Pain, you explain the details. I'll be in my office and none of you are to disturb me today." With that he disappears.
When the door clicks shut Pain lets out a long sigh. He wants to disappear, too.
"Look, Hidan. I know you hate this. But think about it. There'll be good publicity, for free, more customers, media coverage… everything. It's worth it."
Hidan's not looking at him. Pain prefers persuasion over threats but sometimes harsh measures cannot be avoided.
"Hidan. Madara meant what he said. You start a war over this, you're gonna lose. He needs this deal more than he needs you." He turns to face his colleagues.
"You lot. Get back to work. If Hidan gets excited again, lock him in a cupboard."
It's only after Pain has left as well that the rest of the people in the room feel brave enough to detach themselves from the wall. Hidan is still fuming alone by his desk, and no one pays him any attention.
"Whew. That was interesting," Deidara, one half of the company's Ad&Visuals team remarks as he grabs one of the dummies by the waist and hoists it back on its one skinny metal leg. "Konan, go give Pain a foot rub or something, he might worry himself a stroke."
Konan flashes him a smile and a finger. She knows that's what they're all thinking, she's always been the insulator between Pain and the others, it's always been up to her to soften the blows and perform some circus trick of inner marketing to keep them all happy and satisfied. Sure, none of them are as important as Madara, but they've all been handpicked for the team. Even Hidan, whose horrible temper is only matched by his crazy sense of style and innovation.
"Itachi, your brother's on line 4. He's having problems again." Kisame is leaning against the door frame, waving a pink head set in the air. Itachi says nothing, only closes the notebook he had been doodling into and wanders over to his desk to pick up the phone. Kisame disappears with a frown.
Konan follows him out.
"Kisame, did you hear about the-"
"Yes," the tall, hulky man says quietly. "Nothing to do with me."
"Oh, but it has! We need your-"
"Help with the decorating and the settings and the catering. I figured." He stops to touch a roll of black satin that's standing against the wall with a few dozen other rolls. "Catering…" he repeats wistfully. Konan says nothing. If Kisame is in one of his moods again, she's better off with a depressed Pain. She walks along and leaves Kisame stroking the soft fabric. Insane, she thinks, not for the first time. Insane, the lot of them.
Back in workroom 5 Kakuzu has been given the task of keeping Hidan out of the way as the others clean the room and hold an emergency meeting. Hidan takes part by yelling as loud as Kakuzu's hands on his windpipe allow him.
"What I still don't understand," Zetsu mumbles, focusing more on his white potted orchid than his listeners, "is that why the hell do they need to move here. It's not like we don't have enough stroppy little bitches as it is."
"Are you talking about me!? You fucking jungle freak I'm so gonna-"
"I AGREE," Sasori has to yell to get his voice heard over Hidan's rambling, "And I hate the idea of having cameras here as well. How the hell is anyone supposed to be able to work when they're being filmed 247."
"But the cameras might catch whoever it is that keeps stealing my lining fabric and moving my pins," Itachi adds absentmindedly. A loud crash turns everyone's attention to the door. Kisame is standing there, purple-faced, holding an empty tea tray. The mess on the floor in front of him most likely used to be a tea pot and seven cups.
"Oh, Kisame, I didn't know you came back," Itachi notes and goes back to work.
"Are you going to clean that?" Deidara asks helpfully as Kisame seems to have turned into a statue.
"Hmm, and after you do, I could use a little help with the mesh corset," Itachi says, mouth full of pins and his hands on the hips of a red-clad dummy.
"Oh… oh… Ok!" Kisame's voice is strangely squeaky. He disappears and reappears with a towel and starts scrubbing the floor.
*
Madara hates the plan as much as his employees. Publicity, he tells himself as he watches Tsunade Senju walk across the studio to greet him, her voluptuous hips swaying at every click of her high heels, her Farah Fawcett hair bouncing. Publicity, money, success, my plan. Tsunade flicks her wavy fringe off her face and offers her long nailed hand to him. My plan.
"You have no idea how happy I am you decided to come on board," she says, smiling. "If I do say so myself, this is the best plan I've ever come up with."
Madara's eye twitches. "Uhm, miss Senju-"
"Oh, none of that nonsense, call me Tsunade."
Twitch.
"Ok, Tsunade, I want to be absolutely clear about this. This was my plan, and we're playing by my rules. My company is on the line here-"
"Yes, yes. Absolutely clear. Now, I want to know how the building work is coming along. My decoration team needs to get in by this evening. I mean, the girls need to move in tomorrow. I was thinking, maybe I could send them over right away, after the shooting, so that they can adjust their plans and…"
"Yes. Everything's on schedule. But I want none of my people disturbed; the girls need to understand that they're damn lucky to get the opportunity to-"
"Oh, I believe they do," Tsunade cuts him off again. "They grew up watching me in magazines and on the catwalk, I'm quite sure none of them wants to displease me in any way."
"Listen, lady, do not try to boss me around. I do not have to let your stupid models and stupid cameras inside my company. I am taking a huge risk here, but so are you. One step out of line, Ms Senju, and you people have no business with Akatsuki Fashions, not with Konoha Fashion Week. Do you understand me?"
Tsunade's eyes narrow. "Do you understand, Mr Uchiha, what would happen to your precious company if I were to call this off? I can do that." Snap. "Just like that. This is my format, and I need to carefully consider whether working with Akatsuki is in the best interest of my brand."
They stare at each other. Madara is beyond annoyed. He assumed Tsunade to be just a face, a figurehead, no more. He's shocked and a little scared to see that she really is the president of her empire, and has the power to really make things difficult for Akatsuki if she wants to.
"Uhh… Tsunade, we're ready to begin. The girls are ready and the director's good to go." A short haired brunette holding a clip board has appeared next to them.
"Thank you, Shizune." Tsunade looks up at Madara again. "So, this is it. Are you game?"
Madara doesn't know if the strange feeling this crazy woman stirs in him is hatred or respect. But he knows what has to be done.
"I'm game."
They walk to centre of the set together.
Tsunade's personality changes again when the cameras start rolling. She flashes a huge, sparkly-white smile and throws her arm around Madara's shoulders.
"Are you ready?" she asks the camera. "Are you ready for something completely different?"
Madara forces a wiry smile on his face.
"This season, Konoha's Next Top Model will be picked in association with Akatsuki Fashions. The lucky ladies will live and learn fashion inside the most famous designer house in the country, and finally, after eight weeks, the winner will be opening the Akatsuki Spring 2009 fashion show at Konoha fashion week."
She turns around and walks up the low steps behind her, gently dragging Madara with her. At the top of the steps, in front of the judges' table, they turn and pose again. "I'm here with the man behind the satin, the fearless innovator and a secret agent of beauty: Uchiha Madara."
"In just a few minutes, we'll introduce our 18 new girls, 9 of whom will continue after today. But before we call them out, there's more news. This year you, our dear viewers, will also have a slice of the power: your votes will count as the final judge vote. The money from the texts and calls will go to Akatsuki Fahions' Charity of the Year: the Glider Foundation, who are doing awesome work helping the near-extinct flying squirrels of the Miu Forrest in Suna! Isn't that wonderful!" She smiles from ear to ear. Madara's smile is starting to look a little painful.
"And now, without further ado, let's meet the lay-deeeeeeez!"
The 18 hopeful girls are huddled close together on a three step staircase behind the scenes. Ino is one of the six in the middle row. She's carefully examining the girls around her. She doesn't feel threatened, oh no, merely interested. Some of the girls look downright pathetic. There's one poor little thing in front of her, with horrible henna-orange mop of hair and spotty skin. The girl is bent over so badly she looks much shorter than the rest of them. The girl next to Hunchback is fat, Ino notes with glee. Her jeans are too tight and there's excess fat pouring over the waistline. For the love of god, Ino thinks, where did they find these monsters?
Some of the girls are prettier. The two on her left look very similar, both with long black hair, almond-shaped eyes and prominent cheekbones. The one right next to Ino catches her eye. Ino gives the girl her trademark friendly-yet-condescending smile. You're cute, honey, it says, but I'm cuter. The girl lifts one thin black eyebrow and tilts her head back. Her retort is just as clear: wanna bet?
Ino barely has time to replace her shocked expression with a winning smile before the red satin curtain lifts with a soft whoosh and they're on air.
"Ok ladies. You all know Akatsuki Fashions is all about a-tti-tude." Tsunade performs a perfectly timed Z-snap. "And your first task is not to pose, not to walk, but to talk."
She walks down the stairs from the where she was standing in front of the judges' table to the other small staircase where girls are lined up.
"You each have twenty seconds. Tell us why we should pick you. But before we begin…" She twists her hands dramatically, "Behind me are the esteemed judges you'll want to impress." She turns half way to motion each of the five people at the table as she introduces them.
"First, we have the wondeful Mr. Jiraya, one of the greatest fashion photographers of all time, who is responsible for some of the best pictures of little old me." The screen behind the long table flashes a series of photos of Tsunade from her days of prime. Most of them are nudes. The white haired man with in a strange red suit at the left end of the table waves at the girls. "Hello there, girlies."
Perv, Ino thinks.
"And then, we have the most amazing runway coach in the history of Fashion, Ms G."
Jesus Christ. Ino can barely believe her eyes. The man Tsunade is pointing at is wearing a bright green nurse's uniform and his hair is like shiny black bowl on his head.
"Hi girls! Ready to sparkle with the power of youth?"
Ugh.
"And then, there's the man who needs no introduction, Madara Uchiha." Uchiha says nothing, merely nods stiffly.
"And finally, the world's first supermodel, the amazing, in incomparable, the infamous, Orochimaru."
Orochimaru actually stands up. She (he? Ine remembers the rumours and seeing Orochimaru in person doesn't make the confusion any clearer) is wearing a horrible black dress with a huge purple bow for a belt and the tallest heels Ino has ever seen."
"Hello girls, rock and roll!" Her (Ino decides that for now, she'll give Orochimaru the benefit of the doubt) voice is horribly raspy, like she's done nothing but smoke and drink for the past ten years. This, Ino thinks, is probably precisely what she's done. Orochimaru gives a series of weird couture poses before sitting down and lifting her legs on the desk.
"And then we have our little spy behind the scenes. The man who will be my eyes and ears at the photo shoots," Tsunade motions to the left side of the room, "stylist and make up artist extraordinaire, Mr K."
"Woof!" Mr K says nothing, but the ugly creature in his big black hand bag does, and Ino guesses it's supposed to be a dog. Mr K actually looks a little tired, from what Ino can see of his face. He's wearing an expensive looking silk scarf on his neck, pulled up so that it covers his nose and mouth. His hair is that strange ashen blonde colour Ino tried to get done but her hair dressed gave up. Ino decides Mr K is a lucky bitch with no red pigment.
"Ok!" Tsunade claps her hands, shaking her hips in the rhythm. "Let's get going. When I call you name, please step forward and give us a clear and simple answer. Why you? We have randomly selected the beginner, and Kin, you're first."
The bitchier brunette pushes past Ino to the front. Her ridiculously long hair gets stuck on Ino and the fat girl in the front.
"Hi," she waves at the judges. "I just want to say, before I begin, that Orochimaru, you are such an inspiration, I mean, I grew up in Oto, not far from where I heard you used to live and your example…" she wipes off a tear that Ino is sure is fake, "has kept me going even though it's been so hard."
Tsunade rolls her eyes as do all the other girls, but Orochimaru is once again back on her high heels and rushes to give Kin a hug.
"I… I guess what I'm saying is…" Kin sniffs, fanning herself with her hand, "that I should be here because I have worked harder than anyone of these girls, I'm a survivor." She straightens her back and the crying game is over. "And, I'm the most beautiful girl in the room."
"Ok. That's…. good to know," Tsunade says. "Next up is Sakura."
Sakura's hair is so light red it looks pink. She's wearing a light yellow miniskirt and matching jacket and looks like an office lady.
"Hello. I'm Sakura. I want to win this competition because I think models are extremely influential and important role models. I want to use my fame for a good cause and also prove that a girl doesn't have to be an airhead bimbo to be a model. I also think that the fashion industry's obsession with skinniness is sick and dangerous and I want to do my part in changing that. So many young girls struggle with anorexia and it's unfair because everyone should be able to enjoy beautiful things, it shouldn't matter if they're thin or-"
"Or for god's sakes shut up!" Orochimaru interrupts. "Time out. Thank you, Miss Universe; you may go back to your place now."
Sakura opens her mouth to argue. Her cheeks are flushed and she's clearly very angry. Tsunade pats her on the shoulder. "Ok, thank you, Sakura. It was very good. Next up, Shiho."
Sakura stomps back, still fuming, and Hunchback steps down to the front. She smiles nervously and pulls at the hem of her dress. It's clearly shorter than anything she's used to wearing.
"Uhm… I'm Shiho… I work at a library, and uh… I came here because my boyfriend said I should give it a try. Uhm… I don't really know that much about fashion…" Her voice fades.
"I don't think you have to, honey, you're fucking gorgeous. I mean the hair is awful and you really need a facial of two but you are the only one here that looks like a model!"
"Thank you, Orochimaru, but we're not judging yet." Tsunade sounds a little exasperated. "And thank you, Shiho."
After Shiho Ino mostly loses interest. Most of the girls are ugly and boring and it isn't until Tsunade calls the name Temari that she perks up again. It's the fat girl. She steps down slowly, moving her hips more than is necessary and photographer Jiraya's eyes nearly fall out of his stupid face.
"Hi y'all. I'm Temari, and I'm here to bring some southern spice into this show." She puts a hand on her hip and thrusts her chest forward. The pen Jiraya's holding snaps in two.
"I guess I agree on what Pink Lady there said about anorexia. I know I ain't that skinny but I sure know how to look good." Her accent is overdone, Ino's never heard anyone from Suna really talk like that, but the judges love it. Ino can hear Ms G affectionately dub her Little Bo Beep. Well played. Maybe Temari isn't as stupid as she sounds and looks.
Ino has no time to contemplate Temari's motives because she needs to step down next. Damnit! She's spent all her time thinking about the other girls when she should've been preparing! Shit!
"Uh… Hi. I'm Ino. I'm here because I love clothes and I love posing and everyone's always told me I should be a model. I was like a fashion icon at my high school and I grew up reading my mother's fashion magazines and I always dreamed of one day being on the cover." Ok that's a lie, she didn't always want to be a model. She just wanted to be famous. But it's almost the same, isn't it?
"Ok, a very typical model answer. Thank you, Ino."
Typical? Who are you calling typical you stupid has-been? Ino steps back up. Kin is laughing silently and sticks her tongue out as Ino settles back next to her. "A fashion icon?" Kin whispers to the other brunette but Ino is definitely meant to hear every word. "more like the village bicycle."
That's it. Once the cameras are gone, that bitch is going to die.
The next girl is pale and stammering so badly no one can really understand her. After that it's Haku, or Kin 2.0. She's ridiculously flat and skinny but walks like a model and her face is extremely beautiful. Ino decides to hate her as well.
"Well… The guy in the mask whose name I forgot came up to me at a dango place downtown and told me I should be here." Haku shrugs. "I guess he knows since he works the show."
"So, you don't have any dark secrets we should know about? We can just trust Mr K's judgement?" Ms G asks. Haku giggles. "Oh, I have secrets alright. But they're for me to know and you to find out."
"Ok, secrets are usually good. And last but not least, Tayuya."
Tayuya stomps down the steps. Her long hair is bright fuchsia and she's wearing an awful golden scarf-turban-thing on her head, black harem pants and a glittering gold top.
"Yo! I'm Tayuya. I'm here to win. If it's attitude you want, that's what you're fucking getting and that's all you need to know about me."
Tsunade looks a little stunned, but recovers quickly. "Alright. Thank you, girls. Now, the judges will deliberate and when we call you back, nine of you will continue on the running towards becoming Konoha's Next Top Model, and the other nine will be eliminated."
The girls leave in a long, nervous line, and Tsunade takes her seat between Ms G and Madara. The judges turn to each other.
"Ok," Tsunade starts as she spreads 18 pictures on the table. "These pictures are mostly crap, they're the application pictures they sent us. But they'll remind us who's who."
"They're all shit, except her, her, her and her," Orochimaru says and pushes all but the four pictures he's collected over to Jiraya's side of the table. She's picked Shiho, Kin, Haku and a conservative looking brunette with pig tails called Tenten.
"You only like Kin because she mentioned your name," Jiraya sighs and flips the pictures around. "I want her," he lifts out Temari, "and these two." Ino and a busty girl called Ayame.
"Oh, I see a pattern."
"Shut up!"
"I like Hinata. She has a beautiful complexion. All she needs is a little encouragement." Ms G picks Hinata's photo out of the pile.
"You think she could handle nudes? Or a sexy photo shoot with a male model?" Tsunade asks. Ms G shrugs. "We'll never know if we let her go."
Tsunade looks at Madara. "Come on, Mr President man, tell us what you think."
Madara carefully studies each picture before picking out five and organising them neatly on the table. Sakura, Kin, Ino, Haku and Tayuya.
"You have a thing for pink, do you."
"Are you sure about Miss Universe and punk rocker chick," Ms G asks, flicking Sakura and Tayuya's picture in front of his face like fan.
"They have potential. Each and every one of these girls needs a proper make over, these two aren't going to be pink after today."
"I agree," Tsunade says. "I want them on. I partially agree with all of you." Se organises the pictures into two sets of nine. "These," she points to her left, "Are on. And these are out."
"I won't have her on the show. She fat! Fat fat fat fat!" Orochimaru's banging the table with his fist at each word.
"She is not fat! She curvy! You know what everyone told me when I first got started in this industry? Just what you're saying about her now!" Madara tilts his chair back to get out of the way as Tsunade leans closer to Orochimaru, her eyes flaming. "And look where I got. This girl is beautiful and I want her on!"
Orochimaru rolls his eyes. "Whatever. She's still fat."
"Ok, are we done? Have we reached a decision?" Jiraya interrupts the bickering.
"Yes," Madara and Tsunade say in unison.
"No," says Orochimaru, but everyone ignores him.
Ino is nervous. She hates to admit it, but the trail of cold sweat running down his neck is evidence enough. Kin and Haku have climbed onto a small table to smoke out of a ventilation window and Sakura has managed to gather a small group of listeners to her rant on what an asshole Orochimaru is. Ino vaguely wishes she had someone to talk to, but that would mean being humble and showing interest in the other girls. She's not that nervous.
"Ok, ladies," Mr K and his barking hand bag appear through the double doors. "We're ready for you."
They follow him back to the studio. Tsunade is standing in the middle of the room, holding a pile of photographs.
"I have nine photos in my hands," she says, her voice dramatic and sort of sad. "These photos represent the girls that will continue in the competition. The names that I do not call…" she holds a small pause. "must immediately return to the hotel, pack your bags, and leave."
Another pause, and then she flips a photo over.
"Kin." Shit, Ino thinks. Well, at least she'll have more time to teach the bitch some manners.
"Tayuya." Bleurgh.
"Hinata." Snooze.
"Temari." Are you kidding me?
"Tenten." Who? Ino couldn't even remember the girls face, let alone her name.
"Haku." No, don't give the bitch an army!
"Shiho." Oh please.
"Ino." Hey, that's me! She almost runs to Tsunade and accepts her picture with a huge smile before joining the others on the right side of the room.
"I only have one photo in my hands. This photo represents the last of you girls who will still be on the running to become Konoha's Net Top Model. The name that I'm going to call…." Tsunade flips the last photo over.
"Sakura."
"Oh!" Sakura stumbles over.
"You need to be a model, not a beauty pageant queen. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
"The rest of you," Tsunade opens her hands as if to apologise to the eliminated nine. "Thank you."
The losers leave the room quietly while the lucky nine jump around whooping and squealing. Ino actually gets a hug from an exhilarated Sakura. Tsunade runs up to them, screaming
"Group hug!" There are hands everywhere and Ino's mouth is full of somebody's hair but it's still wonderful.
"Ok! I know you are all excited, but no celebrating yet! There's still some surprises left for today!"
She motions Mr K over.
"You'll be getting make overs!"
More screaming. Ino thinks she's going deaf but it doesn't matter. She's screaming louder than anyone else. Hmm, maybe she did really want this a little.
*TBC*
