A/N - PLEASE READ! I'm following the example of fellow author, Unseenlibrarian, and posting my offerings to the LJ community, Firewhiskeyfic. The idea and point of this community is to write a piece of fiction while drunk. Drunk - as in I really didn't have a freaking clue as to what I was writing. I was just typing. No corrections were allowed, no beta. If you choose to read and review, I thank you ahead of time. However, DO NOT SEND ME A REVIEW THAT CLEARLY SHOWS YOU DIDN'T READ THIS DISCLAIMER. The stories are meant to be effed up, as I was on the designated nights. Each chapter will be a different pairing/story - all of them will contain questionable material. All of them are questionable period. But, if you need a laugh (as most people do, nowadays), hopefully you'll find that here. JK Rowling owns the characters and all that goes with them. I own the horrid plots and inebriated crap.
It was cold.
That's all you need to know.
well, you'll need to know more, but I'm not telling you rightnow.
and because ist was cold, Harry/s nose was runnig. Not the snooty kind, that sounds grose when you sntort, but the kind that s'clear and dribbles just a little. gtet your mind out of the gutter withath penis imagry.
So, hew ent down to the sdungeons to get a cold remdedy from Snape, the mysterious sex god of the underworld (cause that's what the fandom schanged him into after he became a martyr). And lets get this straigth – Lily awas a bitch. Seriously.
I wasx gonig to go into a tangent on why I dislike her now, but that would take ups to omuch time.
So, Harry taravesersed donw the slipperey stesp to the slytherin dungeon. say that five times fsast. I did and sprained my tongue. heE wanted a potion that ewould end his miseries. Not those kind of miseries, the snotty nose kind. it was winter and Harry was the only gryffindor left in the whole of hargwarts after the school kids when home for the hols.. It was after the war, so there were lots of orphans. That has nothing to do with this story. It was just oen o fhtose things you should know at this point in the story. Well, maybe it does have to do iwth this story, but not now.
Eventually I got Harry down to the fucking dugneogns, and it took 250 words to get him there. He was a little peeved with me. So was Snape, for mkaing him answer the door. Oh, yeah... Harry nocked on the door. My spellin is shit at this point. Forgetaboutit.
"What do you want, Pooter?" Potter. Harry glarred at me for that mistake about his name, but I can't change sit because that would be like autocorrected and I'm just typing a sttream of conscience at this point. There's lots of points, evemutally some I'll get to.
"i have a cold. Do you have a potion?" Yes it was as easy as that.
"Of course I have a potion. Who do uyou think I am?"
harry looked him up and odwn with a lusty gleam. "One sexy devil?"
Snape looked at me, the author. "Really? that's what you come up with? That is pure pbollix. What the hell is thias puerile crap?"
How this is morphing inot a converstation with Harry, Snape and me, I have no idea. Just go twith it.
"Let's try this again, shall we.? And no reidicoutlous statements about my package."
Sure Snape, whatever you say.
"ytpical american."
I know. I'm a wannabe.
Okay, what the helL! back to the story.
Backed up, rewind. (those of you from the VCR days will understandthat)
"You are a potions master, Snape./ So quit being a git about it and give me some potin that will make my nose stop running."
"Whay is is running?"
Harry pointed out the window that mysteriously appeared in the middle of the subterrainian dungeon because I put it there. "Because it's snowing outside you wanker!" Us americans only know so many british epitaphs, its not like they are interchangable.
"You'll want to come into my office, I suppose?"
Harry gave him a look. I don't know what kind of look it was; maybe a 'why the hell are you writing me as insipid and stupid?' look. But that wouldn't go over well with snapw, so he just nodded. He followed the billoweing caped waizard into his potions lab and waiting by the expeiriement table.
There wrere all kinds of bubbly potions and chemickasl and gurlgling shit that freaking harry out as he sttood there. Snape poured this green goop intoa beaker (BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS! MEEP MEEP) and it started frothign an dfoamy like a rabid dog.
"FDrink this."
Harry looked like he would blow chunks." That is not a bullshitism, I sknow. "I'm not drinkintg that, it looks foggy."
"what sdoes the whispes of steams fcoming from the glass have to dow tih how it works?" Snape snapped? (and yes, I picture him snapping his fingers, getting down wit hs his bad self).
"I'll probably dturne into a newt."
"Not that's your test, not what I woudl turn you into.
"
Reaally auhtor? What the hell is your probalem? Other thean thte fact you can't tyhpe at this point? Oh fuck it.
Snape and Harry fucked on the poitoins table.
The end.