As you say Goodbye
Supernatural, summary: Dean says goodbye to Sam.
Dean sat forward in his chair and took another swig from the bourbon bottle. Nothing seemed to be helping. He just wanted to drown his sorrows in alcohol, but he was not getting the nice alcohol induced haze. He just kept remembering his little brother. Oh, his little baby brother whom he should have protected not let die. Why, did he fail? He should not have failed him. He shouldn't have. It was eating him alive inside. Samuel Winchester, his baby brother whom he promised he would protect forever.
Dean had not wanted a memorial service of any kind, but since going back to live with normal people and once he explained what had happened; she wanted a memorial service and said he deserved one. Dean did agree, but how was he to explain no hunters ever had any memorial service? How was he to say that he had died? Fallen into a cage in hell? Like that would over well. Dean could just imagine the scene when people hear that, he'd be carted off to an insane asylum before he could say what's happening. No, Dean couldn't do that.
She bugged him for days straight, before Dean finally caved in. Perhaps he really wanted a memorial service all along deep down. He wondered what the angels would say if they heard. Would they say he doesn't deserve one even though he saved the entire human kind, earth and everything? What would they say? Dean thought for days about an excuse for why Sammy was dead, and after much conundrum, Dean settled on saying Sammy died in a fire, well, hell is full of fire. Close enough.
He never realized how much work it took to do a memorial, or how hard it was to finally say, 'Yeah Sammy really is dead and is never coming back no matter how much you wish it wasn't so'. He had to go and get a grave marker for his grave, even though there was no body. When he saw how many choices there were, he wanted to scream. His brother just died! Why would anybody make the grieving choice something so morbid? Just have a few standard makes and leave it at that! Dean had wanted to scream and threw a tantrum, but he restrained himself, barely. Finally after she gave him a WTF Dude look, Dean pointed at a random marble marker that looked kind of cool. How was he supposed to know what was right way to mark the grave of his dead brother forever?
It wasn't even done after that, and then there was the casket. Why would he need a casket, he has no body? But, according to her, he needed one even though Sammy wouldn't be buried in it. He was utterly lost looking at all the different caskets, how was he supposed to know the difference between all the different kinds? Wood vs. Metal... on and on and on; how could he chose? He stood there for what felt like forever just staring blankly at the coffins, before she elbowed him roughly and he started. They were looking at him expectantly to make a decision. He finally just pointed at a dark coffin that reminded him of Sam and walked out of there before they could say anything. He heard her rushing behind him with her heels tapping on the marble floor. He wanted to get out of there before he did the unthinkable, cry.
It just wasn't the grave marker and the coffin he also had to decide where to hold the service. Church or hall, his first inclination was a hall but then he remembered that Sammy did believe and it wasn't his memorial it was Sammy's. Once that was decided, his next dilemma was what denomination. So many things to decide, all he wanted to do what put it all behind him, but he couldn't because that would be disrespectful to Sammy. He could not do that, Sammy saved the world. After she saw him staring at the phone book pages of the Churches for what was probably hours she finally pulled him towards the door and told him that they were going to her church. Dean couldn't argue she had a church he didn't. Who was he to argue?
It was at this point he met, Father Colomba Johnson. When Dean first saw the good Father he wanted to run in the opposite direction, for Father looked a lot like Sammy, his Sammy. He didn't though; he clamped down his urge and bravely faced the good father. After much stuttering on his part, much talking on her part and much reassurance on Father's part and they finally decided (well she decided he just nodded along) that they would hold the service at the church in two weeks. Dean thought it was finally done, but she told him gently that it wasn't.
Now he had to tell everybody about the service. How was he to do that? Everybody was busy with the many demons left above, they were probably too busy. There wasn't a Hunter Newsletter! Finally after looking at his father's journal he forced himself to phone Bobby. Bobby would know how to do this. Bobby was at first surprised that Dean was holding a memorial for Sam, but he soon got over his surprise when he heard how bad Dean was doing. Bobby quickly told Dean he would take care of telling all the hunters, why doesn't he tell Sam's university friends? Something that Dean hadn't even considered. He sat down and wondering how was he going to find Sam's university friends?
One day a few days after his realization he found Sammy's phone, and then when he was going through it he realized that Sammy's university friends were on it. As soon as he picked up the phone, he realized that he has never talked to any of them, except for those two a few years back, so how was he supposed to break it to them? Finally he rung the first number, and after a few minutes of stuttering and the person on the other end getting frustrated he blurted that he was Sam's older brother and that Sam was dead. That got that person's attention and sympathy. After that call it didn't get any easier but he now knew the correct words to say. It exhausted him.
Dean looked at her like she had a third head when she said the food arraignments and then he finally grunted out that this was his brother's memorial not some dinner and stomped out. He was sitting drinking beer on the porch drowning his anger, sorrow and utter lose. A hand settled on his shoulder startling him and when he whipped around he saw it was Castiel. Castiel, the angel he hasn't seen since his brother's death. Dean had to stifle the urge to hit Castiel. The bastard Angel hadn't been around. As if reading his thoughts, Castiel explained his absence. Wonders of wonders, Castiel said he was sorry about his brother.
Finally the day of the memorial dawned. Dean just wanted to lie in his bed and not get up, but his sense of duty towards his brother compelled him. He stumbled out of bed, hating the laughter he heard wafting from the living room. He slammed the door shut in a vain attempt to shut out the joyous sound. He didn't care that the water was burning hot, he didn't care that he stood in the shower for thirty minutes and he didn't even care that she had to get him out of the shower. He couldn't care because it finally started hitting him that his brother was dead and wouldn't come back.
In robotic motion he pulled on the suit she had gotten for him. When he had trouble with the tie and it practically made him cry, Sammy would help him with the tie. Finally he emerged from the bedroom to the living room where she was sitting with her son watching a morning cartoon. The room quietened down as soon as they saw him. The TV was shut off. They looked at him with such sympathy. Finally he forced himself to move into the kitchen for coffee.
As soon as he entered the chapel it struck him how many people had come. He had not realized that many people knew or even cared about his younger brother. He felt her push him gently towards the front of the pews where Bobby was sitting. He slumped into the pew and stifled the urge to cry again. The service started, and all that kowtowing to God and Angels made him wanted to throw up. Finally he was told to go make his memorial speech for his brother. He slowly made his way up to the podium, after looking at the fast amount of people sitting there he cleared his throat and started,
"My younger brother meant everything to me. He was always there every morning to give me a hard time about where I was the night before. He always played prank wars with me and never got mad. He was the guy I could go to about any information I needed and he could always find it or know about it. He was the guy who helped me through the hardest times, even using tough love approach if I needed it. He was also the little boy who I taught everything I knew from popping a wheelie to learning to drive. He was the person I protected when we were younger and kept on protecting as he got older even though he started protecting me too. He was always a constant presence in my life even when he went off to University. I will miss him every single day and wish every single day he was back with me. He did not deserve to die; he did not deserve to suffer. He was my younger brother whom I would've given everything for. I hope wherever he is he is at peace." And with those final words Dean stepped down from the podium to see everyone blinking back tears. He placed his hand on Sammy's coffin and slowly made his way back to the pew.
Later after everybody went to the hall to eat Dean stood alone by his brother's grave. He placed his hand on the tombstone before quietly saying to his brother,
"I hope you will get out of hell soon and go to the place you truly deserve, Heaven. I am not hunting any more Sammy just like you wanted. I love you Sammy" and with that Dean walked away blinking away tears. He had said his goodbye.