"Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly;
"'Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you did spy.
The way into my parlor is up a winding stair,
And I have many pretty things to show when you are there."
"O no, no," said the little fly, "To ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."
-The Spider and the Fly: A Fable by Mary Howitt
"I can't believe school is starting again already. It feels like summer never even started," Stan grumbled. He picked up a reasonably flat stone and tossed it into Starks Pond; it failed to skip.
Kyle looked up from his phone with a frown. "Dude, you've been complaining about how bored you've been for the past 3 months. I mean, at least with school starting you have something to do."
"Yeah, like homework and bullshit," Stan replied, rolling his eyes. "I can't wait." He threw another stone in the water; it didn't skip either.
"I like studying," Kyle said, simply. He went back to scrolling through Facebook, not paying attention to the dirty look Stan shot his way.
"Well, good for you." He walked over and sat on the bench next to Kyle. He was silent for a time, watching the later afternoon sun sliding towards the mountains framing the horizon. His left leg jiggled against Kyle's; clearly, he was agitated. Kyle ignored that too.
"So, I guess this means that you'll be even busier than usual." He said, bumping Kyle's leg harder.
Kyle glanced up from his phone, slightly irritated now. "I guess so. I'll have college applications to do and I'm also going to be tutoring a couple days a week like last year."
"And volunteering at the hospital again, right?"
"Well, yeah. I have to get my feet wet if I'm going to go to medical school someday. And volunteering -"
"Looks good on college applications. I know, I know." Stan finished for him in a huffy voice.
"Well, it does!" Kyle snapped. "You know, we're juniors now, Stan. You should probably start thinking about your future, too. Do you even have any plans?"
"Of course I have plans, Kyle. I want to be with you." He looked away and Kyle could see that his face was bright red. He softened a bit and reached for Stan's hand. Stan looked at him from the corner of his eye.
"That goes without saying. But you need to have a goal for yourself...like, what do you want to be? What do you want to accomplish? What will you do while I'm performing vasectomies and making rounds and going without sleep for days at a time?"
"God, I don't know. You have your whole life mapped down to the minute and I barely know what the hell I'm doing from day to day."
"You get decent grades, Stan, so you have options. You just have to figure out what you're interested in."
"I'm interested in you," Stan said gruffly and looked away again. Now he was blushing so hard that his face looked like it was on fire.
"Oh, my god, Stan, that was so freaking lame. I can't believe you actually just said that." Kyle started laughing so hard he started to cough. Stan looked at him w/ amused annoyance.
"Okay, okay. Yeah, that was soap opera level crap but give me a break. I'm still new at this." He draped his arm behind Kyle on the bench; Kyle scooted closer to him, still laughing to beat the band.
They had only officially been going out since the summer started, after years of secret crushes and longing and agonizing indecision. For the longest time neither of them were able to process their feelings for the other, let alone articulate or act on them. It wasn't until they had stolen a few beers from the fridge in Stan's garage and gotten pretty wasted that either of them had made a move. It had been the very first night of summer and the sun hadn't even sunk completely behind the trees yet; twilight had begun to bleed across the sky w/ fuzzy stars winking to life one by one & insects humming softly in the grass. They had walked together to Starks Pond, the stolen booze hidden inside of Kyle's messenger bag, quiet and thoughtful; both of them excited at the prospect of having stolen the alcohol but also giddy about the school year finally being over.
Kyle was wearing a thin t-shirt and could feel the night breezes stirring against his skin, which felt flushed and warm from the summer sun. He had decided to go without his hat because it was just too warm to wear it that day, and it had been retired to the upper shelf of his closet. The breeze lifted a red curl from his forehead and threw it across his eyes. Brushing it away, he had glanced at Stan curiously. He had his usual stoic look and had gone without his hat too. Their shoulders had brushed together every few steps and Kyle remembered being scared to death that Stan would notice and move away; he didn't.
They had reached the pond as the sun was setting across the water, throwing brilliant golden light across its surface. It had dazzled their eyes and Kyle could remember Stan saying how beautiful it was. He could also remember making fun of him for being so whimsical and Stan pushing him and laughing. They had nervously cracked open the beers and taken huge gulps, Kyle sputtering and coughing because he wasn't used to the flavor. Stan, who was old hat where alcohol was concerned laughed hysterically to see Kyle doubled over, his face red and his eyes tearing up. He had rubbed Kyle's back in a placating way and Kyle could remember the delicious tickling sensation that fluttered in his stomach at the contact.
Later, as the moon rose and the fireflies had begun to glow in the trees, after they had each indulged in at least two to three beers each and were feeling mellow and slow-witted, they had sat on the grass at the edge of the pond and talked about the summer ahead. Stan was dodging his father who was on his ass to get a summer job, and Kyle was going to get a jump on the summer reading list as soon as possible. Stan told him he was totally lame and to lighten up and Kyle pouted. Stan had rubbed his arm and told him he was only kidding and Kyle told him to fuck off, suddenly feeling very sad for a reason he couldn't articulate.
Stan had hastily tried to apologize and told him that he actually thought it was cool how dedicated Kyle was to his education and how he wished he could be as responsible, and then maybe his parents wouldn't nag him so much about applying himself. Kyle had finally snapped at him that he didn't give a crap about that and he was actually upset about something else.
"Well, what is it, then?" Stan was still rubbing Kyle's arm absentmindedly.
"It's that!" Kyle responded, glancing down at Stan's hand. Stan had blushed and snatched his hand away.
"What? I was just trying to be nice." Stan looked away and crossed his arms, suddenly closed off. Kyle felt bad at the change in Stan's mood, knowing he caused it and that he wasn't really being fair. How could Stan possibly know why he was upset?
"Look," Kyle said, "I'm sorry that I'm being weird. I just have a lot on my mind right now."
"What is it? What's going on?" Stan asked, opening up a little.
"Well, I guess I'm just, uh...confused." He sounded lame, even to himself.
"Confused." Stan repeated the word, but not as a question. "I can relate to that."
"You can?" Kyle asked, puzzled.
"Definitely. I'm confused all the time." He smiled.
"Probably not for the same reason I am."
"Oh, you'd be surprised, Kyle." Stan responded, his smile turning into a smirk. Kyle was irked by his cavalier reaction to what he considered was a very serious problem.
"Would I, Stan? Would I be surprised?" Kyle grabbed another beer and angrily twisted the top off. He began chugging it like there was no tomorrow. Stan just stared at him, his eyes wide.
"Dude, what's your deal right now? Just tell me what's wrong so I can fucking help you already." He grabbed Kyle's arm and pulled the bottle away from his mouth. Kyle jerked away.
"You can't help me because you're the problem, you moron!" Kyle yelled, slamming the bottle down, and soaking his hand in beer in the process. Feeling stupid, he brought his hand up to his mouth to lick the beer away. Stan caught it before he was able to bring it to his face and brought it to his own instead. To Kyle's complete and utter shock he started licking the beer away himself, his tongue slowly moving across his skin. His skin burned like fire where Stan's tongue had made contact and he felt goosebumps rising all over his body. An overwhelming shiver moved through Kyle and he closed his eyes, trying to stay tethered to reality. The feeling mixed with the intoxication from the alcohol and he felt like he was flying into the sky to float among the stars; every molecule in his body writhing in what could only be described as ecstasy. A moan escaped his lips.
Stan watched him, his dark eyes narrowed and predatory. After hearing Kyle moan he seemed to become braver; he licked along the back of Kyle's hand, up his fingertips, and then turned his hand over and kissed the palm lightly. Kyle could only stare at him, mouth agape. His heart was pounding a frantic rhythm in his chest. What was even happening right now?
"Stan..." he started to say something but his voice faded away. Stan was still holding onto his hand, looking deep into his eyes, his face flushed and insistent. He reached out and ran his hand through Kyle's hair and down the nape of his neck, and his hand came to rest there. Suddenly, he was drawing Kyle closer to him and Kyle was sure that he was about to kiss him; he allowed himself to be pulled closer. Their mouths were inches apart when Stan stopped. He drew back, his eyes searching Kyle's face.
"What?" Kyle asked, irritated at the abrupt change in Stan's eyes. Now he just looked confused.
"I was waiting for you to tell me to stop, I guess." Stan said, gruffly.
"Why would I want you to stop, you knob? Do you really think I would've let you do all that if I wanted you to stop? Are you for real?" Kyle jerked away and walked to the edge of the pond. The moon had risen and was icing the surface of the water in white. His mind was a jumble of confusion and excitement. He jumped when he felt hands on his shoulders, and Stan's voice right next to his ear. His heartbeat was hammering in his chest again; in fact, his whole body was on edge just having that voice whispering in his ear.
"I just didn't want to go any further if you didn't want me to. I was afraid you weren't saying anything bc you didn't want to hurt my feelings or something."
Kyle turned around and looked into Stan's face, and was surprised to see so much sadness there; his blue eyes shadowed and distant. Throwing caution to the wind, he stood on his tiptoes and kissed Stan's lips softly, his hands reaching for his shirt and clinging to him. He kissed him again a little harder, and finally, he lightly licked Stan's lips, tasting beer there, and they parted, and his tongue delved inside and the kiss deepened. Kyle felt like he was drowning, but he couldn't have stopped himself at this point even if he wanted to. He could feel Stan's hands tangling themselves in his hair and pulling him closer, until their bodies were pressed tightly together, so close that -
"Oh, my god, Stan, are you -" Kyle pulled away, blushing and flustered. Stan just seemed confused, eyes wide. Kyle glanced down at the front of Stan's pants and then looked away quickly, feeling shy all of a sudden.
Stan seemed to put two and two together and started laughing. "Well, yeah, dude. What'd you think was going to happen?"
"Well, not that, necessarily," Kyle sputtered, "I mean, yeah, I've thought about it but now that it's happening and I'm right here and we're talking about it..."
"Calm down, Kyle. You're not exactly...relaxed here yourself." He nodded his head slightly and smirked.
Kyle pulled his shirt down as far as it would go. "Cut it out, this is already super awkward and weird."
"Only because you're making it that way. You were just putting your tongue in my mouth like 45 seconds ago and you seemed just fine."
Kyle glared at him, still pulling his shirt down over the front of his pants. "What are we even doing right now, anyway? I think it's pretty obvious how I feel but I never know with you because you insist on being so inscrutable."
"Inscrutable, me? I just put the moves on you because I've been beating around the bush for like 2 years now and I couldn't take it anymore. You're the one who pretends everything is normal and like you don't notice all the little hints I've been dropping forever."
"Why didn't you just come out and tell me how you felt if I'm so clueless?" Kyle snapped.
"Yeah, like it's really that easy." Stan rolled his eyes. "But, fine, if that's what you want. Look, i like you. I really like you and, well, I don't just want to be your friend anymore, okay? Is that clear enough for you or did you need more convincing?"
Kyle could feel his face growing hot and now his heart was pounding so hard he was becoming dizzy. He turned away because he couldn't look at Stan anymore, with his naked emotions right there on his face. A cool breeze brushed against his face, feeling blessedly cold against his burning cheeks and he felt himself starting to calm down a little. Slowly, Stan's words were beginning to sink in so he could process them, and he dared to hope that everything would be ok; that what he wanted could actually happen. His breath caught in his throat when he felt Stan's arms circle around his neck, and he was being pulled against his broad chest.
"So, what do you think? Am I being crazy here?" Stan murmured against Kyle's hair. Kyle could feel tears starting to burn his eyes and he didn't know why; maybe a combination of the booze and being suddenly so tired, he wasn't sure. He gazed up at the stars and slowly brought his hands to rest on Stan's arm encircling him, and he clutched him softly. He shook his head slightly.
"No, you're not being crazy. I just didn't think this could ever happen. Never in a million years, actually. I don't even know if I can believe any of this is happening."
Stan chuckled softly and nuzzled against Kyle. He held him closer. "Dude, I am so glad we decided to steal booze, get wasted, and confess our forbidden passion for one another tonight. I'm having a great time."
"I wasn't aware that's what we'd be doing, but hey, since we're getting everything out in the open," Kyle laughed, "why the hell not? I'm so glad I don't have to keep pretending I'm not watching you undress in the locker room."
"Well, now you went and made this super awkward, dude." Stan hugged him closer anyway.
They had ended up spending all night next to Stark's Pond, drinking multiple beers and just talking until the sun glimmered and rose over the mountains. They had parted on Kyle's street with a quick and breathless kiss and he hadn't even minded too much when his parents reamed him out for being gone all night and not calling. He'd ended up being grounded for two weeks which also didn't bother him too much because he'd been able to finish up the summer reading and mull over every detail of his night with Stan. Every kiss, every confession, every second; he'd turned them all over in his mind and analyzed them from every angle. The memories had left him deliriously happy one second and terribly embarrassed the next. What if it was just the booze making Stan say those things? What if he pretended the whole thing had never happened?
He'd agonized over what would happen next every second of his punishment. When he was finally free and could leave the house he wasn't sure what he should even do. Call Stan? Just stop by his house and knock on the door? He had nearly fainted when he opened his front door and seen Stan hanging out on the front steps, just relaxing and playing on his phone.
"Uh, hey." Kyle had said, feeling shy.
Stan put his phone in his pocket and stood up, smiling. "Hey. The guys were thinking of going over to the park and playing some basketball. You in?"
Kyle had nodded and it had felt completely natural when Stan held out his hand and he'd taken it. It had also felt so right when they'd shared a soda at the park and Stan had put his arm around him like it was second nature. Kyle felt a crazy rush of euphoria just from feeling him pull him closer into a one-armed hug, in front of everyone. Naturally, they'd had to deal w bullshit comments from their friends (Cartman, especially), but it didn't take away from their happiness. He couldn't believe how quickly everything was moving...like they'd always been together.
He wished he could say that they'd spent every day of summer together but life naturally intervened. Kyle had always been really dedicated to his studies and one day going to medical school so even in summer he had a pretty full schedule. Through his father's connections he'd managed to land an internship in a urology office and actually got to sit in on a couple of surgeries. Kyle was on the fence about the more stomach-turning parts of practicing medicine but after seeing actual live procedures being performed he was even more excited about being a doctor. He'd also signed up to be a counselor at a day camp being held at the rec center and did some odd jobs around his father's office. Sometimes he was so busy that days passed at a time and he didn't even get to see Stan.
Stan, to his credit, was super supportive of Kyle's future plans but that didn't mean he didn't become noticeably perturbed when he couldn't see him as often as he would've liked. Kyle obsessively checked his phone to see if he'd received a text from Stan and felt a pang of guilt when he saw that he'd missed a call from him. There was even a night where he crept out of his house after midnight to meet Stan; risking the wrath of his parents and potentially being grounded again. He couldn't help it; he just had to see him.
Whenever the rare moment came around where he had nothing to do he'd rush to Stan's house and they'd spend hours in his room, Kyle curled up in his bed and being kissed everywhere his clothes didn't cover. They had gotten dangerously close to going further than Kyle really felt comfortable with, but Stan was understanding about him wanting to take things slow. In fact, he thought it was a good idea.
"There's no use rushing things. It's not like I'm going anywhere," Stan had said as he kissed along Kyle's neck and rubbed his thigh through his jeans. Kyle was practically panting he was so turned on, and he gladly opened his mouth when Stan kissed his lips and parted them with his tongue, where it explored his mouth so warmly and imploringly. After seeing Stan and writhing against him in his sun-drenched bedroom with the fan whirring softly, stirring the papers on his desk and ruffling the dust motes in the air, he'd go home and touch himself w Stan's name on his lips. He'd moan and imagine Stan's face, and then he would come hotly into his hand; sad that he wasn't there with him but elated that one day Stan would be doing this to him and it wouldn't just be a fantasy.
After all that had happened Kyle wasn't surprised that Stan was agitated about school starting and having to spend even more time apart than they already did. They'd gotten their schedules and were happy to see that they shared the same lunch, but other than that they only shared AP English together. Ever since they had started high school Kyle was always in the advanced classes. That didn't mean Stan was a poor student; he just wasn't as focused on his studies as Kyle.
"Well, you'll be playing football again this year, right? So I won't see you bc of your practices and stuff," Kyle pointed out.
Stan kicked at the ground. "That's true. It's just that now that we're, you know, together, I just want to spend every second with you." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I know I'm being too clingy but I can't help it."
"I think it's sweet," Kyle said softly. He placed his hand on top of Stan's and squeezed it gently. "Look, I'll try to make as much time for us as possible, okay? Even if I'm not with you all the time that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you."
Stan turned to him with the dying sun glinting off of his dark hair and smiled. "Same here."