Title: Letting Go
Rating: PG
Summary: Meredith muses on Derek. Post "17 seconds" from Season Two.
Pairing: Derek/Meredith
Disclaimer: Not mine, Shonda's.
Authors Note: Reviews both good and bad are love.
It hurts me so much to really, finally admit to myself.
"I love him so much"
Its real love, not like the kind when you say "I love you" and what you really mean is "I like you a lot" Of course Finn thinks that I mean Doc, but I don't, I mean Derek. It's always been about Derek, ever since our first meeting. He's all I can think about and even though I love him, I hate the way he's gotten under my skin. Mere months have passed and he's got me to the point where I'm crying about him in the arms of someone else.
It didn't happen instantly, though he's been in my head since our first meeting. I didn't meet him and instantly fall in love with him. That only happened to me once, when I was ten and saw Bobby Farber for the first time. I thought that was love.
Life was so much more uncomplicated when I was younger. Loving Bobby Farber was easy, all I had to do was look at him and I loved him.
It wasn't until Derek chose Addison that I realised my true feelings for him. Then skip a couple of months and before I knew it he was gone, and I was alone. Bobby Farber didn't chose me either, he chose another girl called Susie. I went home that day in tears and vowed to myself to not let another boy hurt me.
As I grew up I purposely didn't get too attached to any men, I was with them for one purpose only and that was physical.
Just sex, no emotions.
That all worked fine for me, until I met Derek.Not the sex, but the next day at the hospital it was like someone had opened a door. A door that I never wanted opened, but now I can't close it.
I tried, by having far too many shots of tequila and random sex with no emotions and for a while it took my mind off Derek for the short term. It only made it worse in the long term.
With every man that I slept with I would wake up hoping that the man next to me was Derek.
False hope ruled my mind.
It never was Derek. It was always some random guy from, Joe's whose name I could never quite remember. Never Derek. When I said those words to him in the scrub room I was speaking truth that I had bottled up inside of me since Addison turned up.
I didn't realise how much I felt for him until he wasn't there. I honestly thought it was the beginning of my new life. No more shots of tequila leading to bad sex with random men. I thought he was my one, but now he's gone and I just feel like damaged goods.
He damaged me, and now he's with Addison and I really really want to hate him but every time I see him the door reopens and with it, all my feelings towards him.
I am not in control of my heart anymore.
My mind tells me to forget about Derek and focus on Finn which I would really love to do but my heart can't let go of Derek. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to let go.
It's like Doc, I don't want him to die because his death would mean the end of something that Derek and I had together and I'm not ready to let go just yet.