Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me.
A/N: I know it's been done 541258 times, but here is another story on the Stanford fight between John and Sam. But in this version, instead of just leaving or staying, Sam throws John's ultimatum back in his face.
Be Careful What You Wish For, John Winchester
2001
Sam held the letter in his hand, gripping it tight, as if letting it go would make it disappear forever. He held in his hands a way out. A way out of the life that he so desperately wanted out of. Now, all he had to do was tell his family. A prospect that made Sam wish he could face a monster head-on, because it would be less scary.
Deciding not to put off the inevitable, Sam walked down to the kitchen where Dean was eating and John was, of course, drinking. He almost put the letter in his pocket and forgot about it. The letter was proof enough that he could do it. He could leave if he wanted to. Have a better life. It was the thought of that life that took Sam's feet the rest of the way.
"Sam, Dean, start getting ready for bed. We've got to hit the road early in the morning."
"Dad, Dean, I need to talk to you both." Sam said, swallowing hard.
Dean looked up from the table, concerned with how Sam sounded. There was an edge to his voice that Dean didn't like. "What's up, Sam?"
Sam took a deep breath, and his impatient father spoke from the table. "Spit it out, Sam. We've got work to do."
"I'm leaving."
Suddenly all thought of going to bed was driven from John's mind. "Excuse me?"
"I'm leaving." Sam said, fighting to maintain his steady voice. "I'm leaving to go to college."
John, who had had this fight with Sam numerous times over the past two years, clutched his fist tightly until his knuckles were white. "Sam, you're not going anywhere. Now do what I told you and get to bed."
"I am leaving, Dad."
"Sammy, please…." Dean said.
"I am leaving, because this says I can, Dad."
Sam handed the letter over to John, who read it with an increasing fury. "What the hell did you do?"
"I applied to Stanford. And I got in on a full scholarship." Sam said.
"Sammy…" Dean started, only to be cut off by the angry John.
"You went behind my back and did this anyway!?" John asked, slamming a hand on the table and rising slowly.
"Dad…"
"I told you Sam. You cannot leave this family. It's not safe." John said, barely restraining himself from arguing.
Sam finally lost his willingness to talk, realizing that he'd get nowhere here by restraining himself. "Safe? You call this safe? Throwing me to whatever evil thing you can every chance you get?"
"You think running away will keep you safe?" John asked. "You think just because you're away from me and off at some school that the supernatural will stop chasing you?"
"No. Because despite what you might think, I am not stupid. I know how to protect myself, Dad."
John scoffed. "Barely. You wouldn't last two days away from me."
"I lasted two weeks away from you. Or did you forget?"
"That's not the point." John said.
Sam laughed, further enraging his father. "That's right, I bring up a valid point to your argument and instead of actually admitting I'm right, it's time to shut the whole thing down. Because God forbid John Winchester might be wrong."
"You are not leaving, Sam." John repeated. "End of discussion."
"No. It's not the end of the discussion because there hasn't been a discussion. A discussion requires you actually listen to me, but I guess it's too much to ask to be treated like a real person from you isn't it?"
"ENOUGH!"
John finally shouted, taking the plate that was just under him and flinging it to the opposite wall. Sam was rattled by his father's outburst, but he stood and continued to stare him down. Don't give in. Don't show weakness. John puffed out his chest in a way that reminded Sam of a gorilla trying to establish dominance, and Sam resisted the urge to laugh. No need to enflame John any more than he already had just for the sake of a good laugh.
"It's the end of the discussion because I say it's the end of the discussion. Now you listen to me, since listening is so important to you. If you want to leave us so bad, fine. Do it. Walk out that door and go to California. But don't you ever come back."
Sam finally allowed a little fear to show in his face. Surely John didn't mean that? He was going to college. He was going to college, and everything was taken care of. He had done something amazing, something hardly any other kid could ever do. And John wanted to kick him out? For that? Sam's brain just couldn't put those pieces together, because they just didn't fit.
"What did you say?"
John was pleased that Sam was finally showing a little respect and deference to him. He was insanely proud of the kid, but Sam couldn't leave. If he left, he would be unprotected. The Winchester family was stronger as a unit, and if one piece left, it cracked the whole foundation. The thought of Sam being alone, in California, so far away from him and Dean terrified him. It was, to John, the worst thing that could possibly happen. It couldn't happen. So he had to stop it. But, knowing that Sam would never listen to a plea to just stay with them and be safe, John had to be hard and swift and hurt Sammy to keep him safe.
"I said, if you walk out that door, you do not come back. Ever. We will no longer be your family."
Sam turned to Dean, who was avoiding looking at him. Why wasn't Dean standing up for him? Even turned away, Sam could see the tears Dean was trying to hide.
"Dean? Do you agree with him?"
"Sam…" Dean said, wiping his eyes and turning back to his brother. "You can't go. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Dean. You are a good son, and a good brother. This is all Sam's decision. What's it gonna be, boy? School or your family?"
Sam's heart shattered. The support he was hoping for was never going to come. But in his devastation, Sam came up with a plan. As hard as his father could be, Sam had no doubt that John loved him. And he knew for a fact that he was Dean's whole world. If they wanted to force Sam to make a choice between a good future handed to him on a plate and a life he despised, then he'd throw John's ultimatum right back at him.
"Fine." Sam said calmly.
He reached over and took the letter from John, ripping it into halves, then quarters, then eighths. He threw the shredded pieces in the trash. He heard John and Dean both breathe a sigh of relief. John, who was shocked that Sam had given up without more of a fight, immediately softened his tone.
"Sammy, I'm sorry. I know this meant a lot to you…"
"For the thousandth time, my name is Sam." Sam spat the last word out like it was poison in his mouth. "And I just gave up my whole future, so you two are going to give me the decency of listening to me. If you don't, I do walk out that door and I am gone. Forever. Agreed?"
John and Dean both nodded, taken aback by the amount of venom in Sam's voice. Sam was surprised John didn't berate him for being disrespectful, but it didn't matter at this point. If he did, Sam would just turn on his heels and leave with nothing more than what he was wearing.
"I am going to give you two exactly what you want. I'm gonna stay. I will be here, I will train whenever you tell me to without complaining, and I will become the best damn hunter you've ever seen. But it comes at a price. We're no longer family. Because family supports each other. They want the best for each other, and they want to see each other happy. That's not you two. All you care about is staying together, no matter what the cost is to my happiness and well-being."
"Sam…" Dean said, wanting desperately to tell Sam how wrong he was.
"Shut up, Dean. I mean it. I'll stay. Because it's what you two want. But let me be clear. I'm not your bitch anymore, and you aren't my jerk. If it doesn't pertain to hunting, we don't talk about it. Same goes for you, Dad. Not that you ever did it anyway, but no conversations about how my life is going, what I'm thinking, nothing."
"Sam…"
"I mean it, Dad. I'm done. I'm done trying to keep you two happy and be happy myself. So, congratulations. You two got what you wanted. Because apparently that's all that matters."
Sam turned and walked slowly back to his room, leaving a stunned John and Dean in his wake. Dean was devastated, and turned to his father, hoping against hope for some kind of resolution that would fix the hurt Sam was in and the hurt that he was in. John seemed to read Dean's mind.
"He'll get over it, Dean."
"Dad, I don't think he will." Dean said. "We have to do something. Show him that he does matter…"
"It's just dramatics, Dean. He's throwing a fit. He'll get over it and everything will be back to normal." John said, hoping that what he was saying was true. As dramatic as Sam could be, there had been a calm resolve to what he'd said that scared John to the core. "Go to bed, Dean."
"Yes, sir."
Dean put his dishes in the sink, ignoring the broken glass on the floor from where his father had thrown the plate. He walked back towards the room he was sharing with Sam, hoping that Sam would be more receptive to talking. He found Sam sitting on the bed, taking off his shoes and socks, wiping tears away from his face.
"Sam…"
"I meant what I said, Dean. As long as I stay here, we're not family anymore. So unless you came to tell me we have another hunt, I'm going to bed."
Sam pulled his covers over him and turned around, towards the wall, facing away from Dean. He'd seen the tears starting to fall down Dean's face, but he didn't care. If Dean didn't care enough to stand up for him so he could fulfill his dreams, especially when they were being given to him, he didn't care to comfort Dean.
"I'm so sorry, little brother."
Six Months Later-Graduation
Sam kept his word. He formally rejected the Stanford offer. He stayed in school but refused to talk about what he was learning. Dean would invite him out for dinner, "somewhere nice" he said, but Sam refused. Dean even tried to get Sam to discuss the books he was reading for school, a subject that would have bored him otherwise, but Sam refused to open up. Finally, in a fit of anger at his lack of success, Dean said,
"Sam, you're being selfish. Don't you think I've had my own dreams…"
"Don't do that." Sam said. "Don't put your life on me. You could have been out of here too, Dean."
"What do you mean?"
"Dean, do you think for one minute that if you wanted to leave when I did, that I would have turned you away?" Sam asked.
Dean sputtered. It hadn't occurred to him to ask Sam whether they could go together. He wouldn't have gone either way, but it had never even occurred to him as a possibility.
"So don't put your choices on me. You may not have put me in this life, but you could have supported me getting out. Instead you chose to stick up for Dad. Again. You made your bed, you're gonna sleep in it. Now leave me alone."
John was just as lost. He and Sam rarely had conversations that didn't revolve around hunting, but now that Sam had taken the possibility of those conversations off the table, John found he missed them. He missed Sam being happy, even when he didn't understand what it was that made Sam so happy. He missed Sam asking if he could go to the movies, to the library, to the park, or play soccer. John hadn't thought it possible, but he actually missed Sam fighting him on everything.
He finally realized what it was that he missed. He missed Sam's passion. Though he had taken to hunting with a fervor that John appreciated, he seemed to have given up any hope that life could be better. He tried to remind Sam that if they found the thing that killed Mary, that he could do whatever he wanted. That he could go to school, travel, get married, whatever he wanted. Sam's response had chilled John.
"I know that, Dad. We kill the thing that kill mom, and I'm leaving. I will live my own life, away from you and away from Dean. You guys get what you want, them I'm getting what I want."
"Sam, do you honestly hate me that much? That you'd cut me completely out of your life?" John asked. "Have I really been that bad of a father?"
Sam looked up from the research he was doing. "I don't hate you, sir. But I've got a lot of work to do."
"You know, this is hurting Dean." John said, trying hard to do something to shake Sam.
"I know the feeling." Sam said coolly, looking back down towards his research.
"Sam, please." John said. "Please stop doing this."
"I'm not doing anything other than what you wanted, sir." Sam replied. "I'm almost done. I'll come find you when I finish."
"Sam, damn it, listen to me. Now." John said, hating himself for how sharp he sounded. He was honestly trying to reach Sam, to make him see how miserable he was making both him and Dean without making Sam even more miserable.
"Yes, sir." Sam asked, without any emotion at all.
"Sam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're so miserable right now. I said no to you leaving because I was scared."
For the first time in months, Sam allowed a personal conversation. "Scared?"
"Yes. I was scared. I was scared what would happen to you if I wasn't there to protect you. Son, I'm insanely proud of you for getting into Stanford. I can't believe you did that. And I wish you could've gone. If it had been safe, I would've taken you myself. And your mother would never have stopped bragging about you."
The mention of his mother made Sam grip the pencil in his hand hard. "I thought you said mom would have been ashamed of me for wanting to leave my family."
John swallowed hard. The first time Sam had brought up the idea of college, at the age of sixteen, the argument had been intense and brought out the worst of both Sam and John. John had been drunk that night, and said that to Sam to try and shame him into dropping the idea of college. He had never apologized for it, and hoped that Sam had forgotten. Apparently, he hadn't.
"I'm sorry I said that, Sam. I lied. I was just trying to get you to drop college."
Sam snapped the pencil in his hand. "So you used mom's memory to get what you want. Great way to respect her, Dad."
John wanted to yell at Sam, tell him that he had no right to tell him how to commemorate Mary's memory, but Sam was right. He had used Mary to try and get Sam in line. It was a gross use of his wife's memory, and he knew it.
"You're right, Sam. I'm sorry."
Sam didn't respond right away. When he did, his words were careful and measured. "You know, six months ago, I would have done anything to hear you say that. It's the only thing that meant more to me than living that normal life. But it's too late now. And the worst part of it is this. If you had just told me that the night I showed you the letter, that you were proud of me and that you just wanted to keep me safe, I would have given it up willingly."
John felt a sucker punch to the gut. "What?"
"Dad, if you had just said that, and not accused me of abandoning the family just because I wanted to go to school, I would have stayed. But once again, it had to be your way. You had to make sure I was under your thumb, no matter what. So, you got it, Dad. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Sam, I don't want to make you miserable. I just want to make sure you're safe." John said again.
"Well, you can't have one without the other, Dad. Now, I've got work to do. Is there anything else, sir?"
John shook his head. "No, Sam."
"Okay. I'll get back to you when I'm done."
Sam turned and got back to the book he was working on, and for the first time ever, John didn't want to hunt. He didn't want to save anyone, take out a ghost, a werewolf, or a spirit. He wanted to save his family. But there seemed to be no way to do it.
2002
It was over.
The demon that killed Mary was dead. John and Dean were celebrating, but there was a sour note to the celebration. Both of them were well aware that their time with Sam was drawing to a close. When John and Dean made it back to the motel room, Sam was packing his bag.
"Sam?" Dean asked.
"I told you, Dean. We kill the demon, I'm gone."
"I didn't think you meant right away." Dean said desperately. "Sam, please, just stay a little longer."
"No. I've held up my end of the deal. It's my turn."
"Sam." John said. Sam stopped packing, but didn't turn to look at his father. "Do you have a place to go?"
"Dad!" Dean cried.
"Do you have a place to go?" John repeated.
Sam nodded. "Yes, sir."
"Is it safe?"
"I'm going to pastor Jim's." Sam said. "I'm staying there and applying to the University of Minnesota."
John nodded. "Okay. Thank you for telling me."
"Yes, sir."
"Can we come see you?" John asked.
Dean held his breath.
"Sam, I get it. You want to get away from us. But I swear to you, son. It' s over."
Sam sighed. "I hope that's true, Dad. And maybe one day I'll change my mind. But for now, no."
John nodded again, keeping his cool, but feeling his heart break inside his chest. "Okay. Good luck, son."
It was as close to I love you as John had gotten in a long time. Sam turned and looked at John, waiting a moment to actually hear the I love you. When it didn't come, Sam said simply,
"Thank you, sir."
"Sam, please, please, don't go." Dean begged. "Please."
"Dean, I love you." Sam said sincerely. "But I'm done."
"Sam, it can be different now…"
"It could have been different before." Sam said. "But you're right. It's over. I stayed with you. Now it's done. Goodbye, Dean."
2012
It had been ten years. Without Sam there to object, John and Dean kept hunting. But there was a piece missing in both their lives.
Sam did go to college. John and Dean tried to send him money to help with expenses, but Sam sent it right back to them. Dean tried multiple times to reach out to Sam, to get him to let Dean and John come back, but all his attempts were unsuccessful.
Ten years to the day of Sam walking out the door, John and Dean sat outside Sam's house, watching him run and play in the yard with his two children. He had twin girls, Amy and Emily. Sam knew that the two of them were there, but he ignored them. Sam finally had what he wanted, and it didn't matter if the two of them were there or not. As Amy grabbed the back of Sam's leg to make him chase her, his thoughts went away from his father and brother and back towards what really mattered.
John and Dean watched, engrossed in Sam and his family life. Emily was cheering her sister, giggling so hard she couldn't talk. When Sam caught Amy, he turned around and headed for Emily, who ran in a zigzag patter to try and throw her father off balance. Instead, she only succeeded in falling over herself. John finally turned to Dean.
"It's time to go, Dean."
Dean, who had resisted the idea of just watching Sam and not trying again to reach out to him, nodded. "Yeah. You're right. Let's go."
John started the car and drove off, off and away from Sam. He tried to cheer up Dean, who humored him and laughed at all John's attempts to make him laugh. John was different now, and Dean wished more than anything else that Sam would see it. John was kinder, more willing to listen than before. He was patient, strange for a man that before wouldn't have known patient if it hit him in the face. Dean decided that now wasn't the time to worry about it, and he and John had the same thought at the same time.
Let us in one day, Sam. Please. Until then, goodbye.