We all know that when a Winchester dies he most likely comes back. So does Dean – again – but when Cas and Sam find him in a night club, Dean doesn't remember them or his past life. And being kind of a prostitute doesn't make it easier... Fluffy, sweet and a little different!

Major Destiel

Mentions of Sabriel

Cas' POV

Hi folks, this started off as a short one shot but I think it is better to split it into separated chapters. There were many things inspiring this... Fanarts, other fanfics, own ideas and a plot twist that came to my mind while watching "Baymax" (great movie!)... Dean may seem a little ooc sometimes but that may be due to the fact that he lost his memory ;)

This is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.

Please have mercy on me, English isn't my first language.

I'm really nervous about putting this up. It was fun writing it and I

hope you like it and let me know what you think!

Rated M

A Life Forgotten

It was hard to fall. My grace seemed to leak from every pore of my body. At first I wasn't able to zap away like I always used to any longer, then I wasn't able to heal even the small wounds. In the end I wasn't able to hide my torn and singed wings from view and for more than a week I had to hide in Sam's and Dean's motel room, waiting for my wings to wither completely. This was the hardest part but I still remember the way Dean cared for me while I was stoically silent, just sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the wall because nothing made sense to me.

When his brother was sleeping at night, Dean would sit down behind me, his hands caressing what was left of my wings so carefully that I sometimes doubted that it was the normally so tough hunter. His fingers began to stroke the bones that grew from my shoulders and from there he methodically combed through the remaining feathers and over hurt flesh and bones. Wings of an angel are always sensitive but when Dean touched them it felt like warmth and fire spreading through them in the best sense of the words. From time to time I felt a tear slip from my eyes. I was relaxing and letting down my guards under Dean's gentle fingers. I was mourning not because I was losing my grace but because I was losing my wings and he would never touch them again once they were completely gone.

The night I lost them forever was hell. It hurt when the bones broke, it tore apart my flesh but Sam and Dean were there, helping me through the pain and once everything was over, Dean removed my shirt to care for the wounds that were left on my back. "I'm human, now." I whispered, not daring to speak louder as I was new to this world, to this existence and I wasn't sure if I was welcome or not. To Dean I was and at this moment it helped to know this.

"Everything will be fine, Cas." Dean muttered while he concentrated on cleaning the – what I supposed – ugly wounds. "You will make a great hunter." I guess he didn't even realize that after his words he bent down to press his lips against the nape of my neck reassuringly. At this moment I lacked the strength and courage to ask why he did this and we never talked about it later though the memory of his soft warm lips is still imprinted onto my skin where he kissed me.

It were times with Dean when I was totally happy, not thinking about my own fate, just enjoying my life as a hunter. Dean never ceased to make me feel like a loved brother and he was always there when I needed him. Our conversations were always inspiring and though Dean always tried to be the tough one I was able to look behind that facade to give him back what he so generously gave me.

I'm still not used to the way a memory can haunt a human. Especially when the other has died so long ago. Dean is dead for more than a year and the day I finally fell was more than three years ago but the hurt and pain are still there. Not because of my fall. I'm used to walking among men as one of them and I really don't miss being an angel. I just missed my grace once and wished that I had it back. That was on the day my hunter died in my arms.

FLASHBACK

The case is nothing special. We are in a small town somewhere along a dusty road. I don't remember its name and I don't think it matters because we will leave once we are done, once the poltergeist is found and exterminated. Hunting has become a routine for me. A good one because I don't feel useless when we help people and when they are relieved once we're done and they can live in peace again. So I wasn't thinking that anything could happen until it happened. Especially not when the hunt was already over.

Sam has decided to go back to our motel room to get some sleep he has missed the night before but Dean and I are still wide awake, the rush of adrenaline keeping us awake, making us feel light-headed and invincible. But we are not. I have to realize this sooner than I like because when we cross a street it all happens so fast… I don't hear the car approaching, I don't see its lights in the dark but once we are in the middle of the road Dean grabs my shoulders and pushes me to the other side of the road.

I can hear very well what happens next while I lie on the ground, trying to get back my orientation when the screeching of brakes and tires reaches my mind and paints a horrible picture. I turn around to make sure it is wrong, to make sure that Dean was fast enough to get himself off of the road as well but when I turn around I see the sedan that cannot stop soon enough and it hits my hunter. I know I'm screaming his name but all I hear is this terrible noise when Dean's body hits the wall of a building at the corner, then falls to the ground, unmoving. Without thinking about it I get up from where I sit and run over to him, falling to my knees in front of him, barely noticing that his body is twisted in a horribly wrong way.

"Dean!" I scream into his face, grabbing him to pull him into my arms. He breathes! Thank God, he breathes. "Dean, wake up, please, please open your eyes." I whisper and my shaking hand tries to rub blood and dirt off his handsome face. The people who gather around us slip my attention, I'm too preoccupied to care for them, all I can think about is the man in my arms. Seconds spread to an eternity as I watch him struggle to open his eyes. "I'm here, Dean." I lean down and whisper into his hair. "Everything will be alright." I know that it's a lie when I look into his face and see that smile on his full pink lips and that spark in his eyes. He knows that this is our goodbye and I'm close to freaking out when I realize that I will lose him forever in the next few minutes. These ragged breaths are the last ones he will take, these beats are the last ones his heart will make and a part of me dies when the truth crashes down on me. "De – an…" I whisper again and hate how my voice breaks when I say his name. His smile only widens while his hand reaches for my face blindly. I catch it in midair and press it to my cheek. His fingers are so cold already…

"I – I will miss your big, blue eyes, sweetheart." He whispers and I swear my heart stops at his words. Just like his. The hand falls from my cheek limply and I grab it again to press it against my skin but he doesn't move, his eyes are dull and look into a distance I cannot. He looks surprised, scared even, his mouth half open, blood still running down his chin. Not now. Oh God, not now, he cannot leave just like that, he cannot say such words, then die. It just isn't fair. I grab him and pull him against my chest but his body is limp, he doesn't react because he died.

"Dean, no!" I yell into his ear, hoping for a reaction that won't come. I rock us back and forth, trying to soothe him while it does nothing to soothe me. The rest of it all is a blur. People shout into my ear, they pull him from my arms, leaving me empty with the finality as they put his corpse on a stretcher to drive him away from here. They manhandle me over to one of the ambulances as well, I have a blanket around my shoulders and they try to talk to me but I just cannot understand what they say, my mind races, Dean's last words ringing in my ears, I hear them over and over again.

I need him. I love him so, he cannot leave me behind like he did a few moments ago, he cannot say something like this as his last words. I try to breathe, I desperately try to pull air into my lungs but it doesn't work and the more I concentrate on the task the harder it gets. I never knew that emotional pain can turn into physical pain so easily. My heart hurts, it feels as if it was ripped out of my chest, my head aches because I cannot really grab the thought that Dean is dead. My vision gets blurry and I feel the world spinning around me before everything gets dark.

+XxX+

When I wake up again it is utterly silent. There's no noise in the room where I was sleeping, it is just white and so damn silent. I sit up immediately and from the appearance of the room I'm in this is a hospital. For a split second I dig into my memories to recall what happened but when I feel something tear at my heart I stop. Too late. It all comes back to me in a rush, Dean is dead, I lost him, I lost the man I trusted more than anyone else. My heartbeat quickens and an annoying sound goes off next to me, a high beep and only seconds later a nurse comes into my room, followed by Sam. I panic when I think about telling him that his brother is dead, I don't want to be the one to ruin his life because I feel as it is my fault because Dean gave his life to safe me from being hit by that damn car.

Tears run down my face when the huge man comes over to my bed and sits down only to pull me into a bone crushing hug, holding on to me for dear life. I guess that is the moment when he loses it, too, I hear his sobs and his tears fall onto my shoulders and for a moment we just sit there, crying, mourning the death of our friend and brother. The nurse uses the opportunity to inject something into my arm and it calms my nerves but not my mind. The panic ebbs away and all that remains is this utterly deep pain and sorrow. It just feels like I'm dying, too, everything hurts.

"I'm sorry, Sam." I whisper, my eyes screwed shut because I'm afraid of his reaction. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault, Cas." He mutters back, his voice broken like I have never heard it before.

"He pushed me off the street. And got hit himself… If I hadn't been there…" Oh God, the only reason he died is me. I should have been more careful, I should have watched out if a car was approaching but I haven't and my omission killed him. It hurts so much...

"Don't even think like that, okay?" Sam says firmly and looks up at me. His eyes are bloodshot, he looks tired as hell and I guess I don't look much better. "He chose this. Dean wanted you alive because he could never have lived without you."

"But how can he expect me to go on without him? It's not fair." I mumble, unable to believe that Dean regarded my life as more precious than his own. I have already lived an endless life and he only had so little time on this earth. I cannot believe that he didn't thought about it... I would so gladly have died if it meant that he was safe.

"Dean chose your life over his. I wouldn't have expected anything less…" His words leave me puzzled. "We will make the best of it." The younger Winchester brother – no! Now he is the only Winchester brother – gets up from my bed and hands me my jacket. How can we make the best of the death of my best friend? "Come on, Cas. We have to get you out of here. We'll go home."

I do what he tells me and put on my jacket, following him out of this empty room and down a few flights of stairs. I wonder where Dean's body might be because Sam surely wants to burn him. He won't give his brother a chance to come back as a ghost or something even worse. We have seen enough of these things to know that this would be dangerous. I don't ask the question, I don't want to bother Sam even more and I really don't want to think about it either.

After a long drive, Sam stops the Impala in front of the bunker. "Do you want to… you know, I have to burn his corpse. Do you want to be there when I do it?" He asks, his voice without any emotion. I guess this scares him just like me. Nevertheless I nod and we both get out of the car where I follow him down a narrow path that leads us to a pile of wood on which Dean's body rests, mercifully covered by a blanket.

When he burns it feels like dying. Sam stands next to me with an unreadable face, he looks so lost and torn that I have to look away, into the flames that consume the body of the man I love more than anything else in this world. So he is gone forever and I will never see him again. I don't know how to go on but I have to. Somehow.

The next days and weeks are worse than hell. Sometimes I wake up late at night, always from the same nightmare: Dean dying in my arms over and over again... Then I walk over into his room, just standing in the middle of it, inhaling his scent, looking at his possessions, imaging that he's still alive but it doesn't help. I always walk back into my room, hiding under my blanket, trying to shut out the world that is so much colder without Dean but in the mornings I still have to face it. I hate it.

END OF FLASHBACK

The door to the library opens and Sam's appearance tears me from my dark thoughts. I really cannot remember the last time I laughed or smiled. As an angel death hadn't been the end of everything, but as a human it is different. I'm not able to visit Dean's heaven to see him and make sure that he's safe and happy, I'm not even sure if we will see again when I die someday. Sam walks over and sits down in the chair next to me and without a word he sets up his laptop on the table, opens it and types on the keys so fast that my eyes cannot follow his fingers.

"You have to see this, Cas." He says and I nod. I guess it will be another strange case we will work on in the next few weeks. Since Dean has died, Sam and I are searching for the really hard cases that keep us busy and our minds occupied for as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder why Sam wants me by his side because it always felt as if it was Dean who wanted me to stay but obviously I have been judging the younger brother wrongly because he treats me like a brother as well. I once suggested that I left the bunker to start a life of my own – I really had no plan in mind – but Sam urged me to stay and said that he was glad for my company and that it makes it a little bit easier for him. I was stunned when I heard this and I was glad that I didn't have to live on my own and could stay with someone I regarded as a friend.

"Look!" Sam says and again I turn away from my thoughts and look at the screen. It is a video of a surveillance camera. I can see a few aisles in a gas station or a small convenient store but nothing moves. Until someone walks into the sight of the camera and I freeze when the man turns around so that I can see his face. For a few minutes I just stare at the video as the man grab something from a shelf, looks around and then hides it under his shabby jacket. His whole appearance looks torn, his jeans is old with many tears and patches, the jacket as well, the face seems tired but I do not care what he looks like. I just care that it is him.

"Th – that is…" A sob escapes me before I can utter the name of the person on the screen and when he disappears from view and walks away I turn to look at Sam.

"Dean." He ends my sentence and at that word I feel the tears slip from my eyes. Yes. The man looked like Dean, he was just as tall and had the same haircut, the same figure, everything about him screams "Dean Winchester" but I have seen him die, I have seen him burn… Is this some cruel joke?

"But… Sam, he died in my arms. We have burnt him." He flinches at my words and I can see that he's hesitating to feel hope just like me.

"This is the surveillance camera of a gas station in a small town, Perkins. It is a mere coincidence that I found it… But he looks so much like my brother that I wanna look into it. It's a few hour's drive from here. We have seen so much shit in our lives, what if this is him, Cas?" I know that he's right, we have seen strange creatures, monsters, demons…. I've been an angel for heaven's sake. Though I tend to forget that sometimes. I've literally been to hell and back, I've found Dean and built his body back together, so at least I should know that everything is possible. I slowly nod, looking at Sam's face where a small smile grows. We rarely smile lately, there's no reason to because we both miss Dean terribly. Sam misses his big brother and I miss a trusted friend.

My heart pounds so hard in my chest that I'm afraid Sam might hear it. If we really find him, if this is really Dean, everything would get better. Hope rises in me and I try to hold it down, suppress it, because I'm afraid that this might just be a false alarm but it's already too late. We both agree that we don't need rest before we start our journey to Perkins, we wouldn't sleep anyway and so we decide to just grab a few things and head off in about an hour. My mind races, echoing my heart. I already dream of embracing him, of feeling his warmth, the proof that he really is alive. I already think of all the ways this could end and it is pure torture. On wobbly legs I return to my room, grab a duffel bag and stuff in another jeans, some shirts and boxers, followed by my weapons. This is all we ever need, maybe I should add a book to the bag but I guess I won't find the time to read. And even if I did, my mind would wander off, away from the story and back to Dean. Reading wasn't easy in the days after his death. There was nothing that would distract me from my thoughts, sometimes I think about him even during our hunts. I miss him so terribly that it scares me from time to time but I've learned to live with the black hole in my heart that was once Dean's place. Maybe that is the reason why it feels as if my heart withers, too, because it was mostly Dean's…

There's a photo on my bedside table, it shows Dean and me in Bobby's house. It is old but it is the only one I have of him. Sam gave it to me on the day we burned Dean's body, he said that he felt like I should have it and I'm thankful. Dean smiles brightly, it was taken during laughter and there are those wonderful crinkles next to his eyes that are turned towards me. It is a true smile, felt from the heart. He's beautiful in this picture, it mirrors his true self: a man who wished for nothing but a little bit of normalcy and a little less responsibility. These aren't exceptionally exclusive wishes but they never came true for Dean.

"I hope it is you, Dean." I murmur and grab the bag from my bed. "I'm not sure how long I can go on without you." With a last glimpse at the photo I turn and leave my room to find Sam ready in the library, his bag packed, his laptop under his arm.

"Is it okay for you to drive the first few miles?" He asks and gestures towards the laptop with his head. "I wanna do some further research, maybe we can minimize the radius where Dean might be." If it is Dean at all, my mind adds helpfully but I smile and nod. Driving keeps me blissfully distracted and I can understand why Dean loved to drive the car while Sam and I where just sitting next and behind him, sometimes chatting, sometimes humming along with the music, sometimes sleeping. It was soothing, it was normal. Sometimes I'm even able to pretend that everything went back to normal, back to the old days and I can convince myself for a few, wonderful seconds that Dean just sleeps, curled up in the backseat where I cannot see or hear him…. It is a sweet little lie but sometimes that is everything that keeps me sane.

This time I don't pretend that Dean sleeps in the backseat. I sometimes watch over to Sam's laptop, his fingers type away on the keys so fast that I lose track of them and look back at the road ahead, following the thoughts about what we might find when we arrive in Perkins.

"There is a night club in Perkins." Sam begins and when I take a glimpse at him I find him frowning. "They reported some minor thefts, too, and now they feature a waiter called "Thief"." I don't see Sam's point but after some more typing he turns towards me. "Seems like it all happened nearly at the same time. Maybe we should start there, I can't find any better leads to follow." I just shrug, then nod. A night club might be a good idea, we all know Dean tended to spend a lot of time there though he always came home at night since I fell and I never smelled a woman all over him again like I did so often before. But maybe he has gone back to his old habits… The thought makes my heart ache painfully, it hurts a lot to think that he'd rather stay with a woman in a night club than with Sam and me. Something I wrong, if the man in the video was really Dean, he would have called us at least, right?

I don't know what to think of all this and so I turn my eyes back onto the road, driving towards the town where I hope we will find Dean.

+XxX+

It is dark when we arrive in Perkins and the city seems cold and empty. There's no one out on the streets, not even a car when we drive straight to the night club. We will look for a motel later, Sam is eager to start as soon as possible and I'm not complaining about it either. The sooner we find out if Dean is alive, the better. I hope he is, I so hope to see him again, to hear his voice… I'm not sure what will happen if this is just a false alarm. Before my thoughts can begin to wander off again, we arrive in the parking lot of the night club where I park the Impala in a safe distance from the door in some dark corner. Sam looks at the sign above the entrance and grins.

"Night Hunter." He reads out loud. "Fits." Not waiting for an answer Sam gets out of the car and stretches and I follow just seconds later, doing the same because the long drive left me tired but a few intakes of fresh air and I feel better.

The night club is nearly empty because it is still a bit too early to visit a place like this but we enter anyways and look around curiously. There are many tables, some of them gathered in front of a small stage with a pole in the middle and I can very well guess what the purpose might be. The waitress behind the bar is barely covered with thin fabric, displaying her advantages for a bit more tip. I hate places like this even though I'm not an angel any more. I just don't believe in the concept of selling love, that is all and being here makes me slightly uncomfortable. Thank God that it is dimly lit in here and the few people who are around won't notice the small blush that already creeps into my cheeks. Sam senses my discomfort and walks over to a small table in the corner. There's something like a menu on our table but when I look closer I can see that there are pictures of people on it – both male and female. That's just disgusting, ordering a person like a drink but I don't say a word, just look up at Sam who still stands and looks around.

Dean isn't here, I've seen it on the first glimpse but we will of course wait and check if we can find anything that might lead us to him. Apparently Sam wants to begin with it right now.

"I'll talk to the bar keeper, maybe she has seen Dean or heard something about him." He says then walks over to the bar, leaning on it with the brightest fake smile he can muster and of course the woman walks over to him, with a mirroring fake smile even brighter than his own, making sure her hips sway invitingly. I turn my eyes away from them and to the other customers. Some are studying the "menu", others are just chatting and drinking. The door open and a group of men comes inside, followed by another group of women. For the time being I don't know what I can do and so I idly reach for this sick menu, trying to find some distraction when a picture on the back of it catches my attention. I gasp when I see the man that is labeled with "NEW – ask for Thief" because he looks familiar. Too familiar. My hands shake when I look closer: it's a black and white picture of a man standing with his back towards the camera, his hands leaning against the wall, his face not completely visible. I stare at his naked back, at the muscles and the flawless skin that stretches over them… I follow the line of his spine down, finding that the picture ends at his waist line but damn, I wish it wouldn't.

This man looks so much like Dean that I feel flustered for a few seconds, not even thinking about reporting this to Sam, but still staring at the photo. It looks inviting, the way he stands, his arms caressing the wall with the gentlest touch, his face just turned slightly towards me, his back arching deliciously. Waiting, ready to be taken right where he stands... Swallowing I try to soothe myself because I've seen him without a shirt before but I've never dared to look as closely as I do now. I have tried to deny it, tried to ignore it but I'm just a man and I've always wanted him, from the moment I have grabbed his soul to raise him from perdition. And here I sit in a dirty night club, staring at the photo of the man I thought dead, realizing that my feelings for him are more than just friendship.

My hands are still shaking when I place the menu to lie on the table but still close enough for me to see it, to stare at it. So Dean – or the man who looks so much like him – is working here? Does this mean that he… Oh god! My hand moves to cover my mouth when an utter shock rushes through my veins. The mere thought of Dean selling his body for money makes me sick, really sick and I look around only to find Sam still standing by the bar, chatting with the waitress who leans over the top of the bar to give him a nice view.

"Hey sweetie." Someone drawls into my ear from behind me and I freeze, the hair on my neck standing on end, my whole body suddenly at full attention. I know this voice. Heaven help me not to faint right here and now. If I wasn't sitting I wouldn't be able to stand because my knees get weak instantly. "I know you like what you see on this photo." He goes on and walks around me, only to sit down next to me so closely that I feel his warmth through my clothes, burning me where his legs touch mine. With a gasp I dare to look up and find the most gorgeous green eyes, the fullest pink lips and the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I wasn't even aware how much I've missed him and how much I want him but I know now and it is not too late because he lives. But something knocks at the back of my head, something is wrong here but right now I'm too surprised to grab what it might be. "Fuck, you're really cute, honey. I can offer you a better price than the one on the menu." His eyes rake over my face, lingering on my lips. It makes me nervous beyond believe. "I don't even want money from you." He mutters, coming closer with his face towards mine with every word, our lips nearly touching.

"Dean?" It's a wonder that my mouth I able to form a word but this one obviously puzzles him. He shies back from me, but only a few inches and looks into my eyes questioningly.

"Who's Dean?" he asks and there it is: he doesn't recognize me. He didn't call, he never tried to come home to Sam and me, he came over to me because he thought I was a customer, he said those honey sweet words to get my attention but he doesn't know who I am! That's what felt so damn wrong the whole time. It would have been too great if things were easy for us. "Is he your boyfriend? No… You're not the type who would come here if he had someone waiting for him at home." His dashing smile doesn't falter when he goes on. "A crush then. Unreturned love…" He leans closer to my ear, his hot breath ghosting over my ear, his hands falling onto my shoulders as he slips onto my lap, seemingly without any effort. The move is practiced, he has done this a hundred times. "You could pretend I'm him. I'll even make you forget about him."

TBC

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