Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 1 of 1, "A New Perspective"
Length: ONE SHOTType: POV
Summary: Alexander ponders exactly what love is, and what this means for himself and Bagoas. His insight on the Alexander-Hephaestion-Bagoas triangle. A PoV in Alexander's perspective.
A/N: For Mary, who figured that Alexander's view should be seen as well.
H/N: This takes place shortly after crossing into the Indus, when Alexander perhaps realizes that he may be willing to loose his life, but not his love.
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"And the world will be yours," he had quietly said. There was a soft pain in his voice, which I noticed, yet did not know how to address it. Now, I believe that he views it as me being unconcerned about his feelings, which is far from the truth. "Once it is, you will stand above them all. No one will touch your reign. No one shall touch you."
"You know it was never about that," I replied and turned my head to look at him. Hephaestion only continued to look at the night sky. "Hephaestion, you will always be the stars to me. You'll always have me."
"I know," he replied, yet I knew his words were a hollow automatic response. That was what I admired and despised about him. He could be completely silent when he needed to be. He always listened to me and I loved him for it. Yet I despised it when he was silent in times such as that. Hephaestion could hide all of his emotions and thoughts from me when he wanted it to be so. Nine days have passed since that last conversation between he and I. I fear I will be lucky ever to speak to him again.
My discretion against him have finally caught up to me I believe. I have used his complete trust and love against him once again; misused what he freely gave me when I was, and am, undeserving of such complete devotion. Of course, I am speaking of taking Bagoas into my bed. Hephaestion fears I have taken him into my heart as well, perhaps to replace him.
Love, I have found, is too complex for any one man to understand. What I know of love only confuses me further. There is no one such love that defines all, because love is no one thing. Babylon is one of the things I would say I love. So there is a love in itself.
What I feel for Hephaestion is not love. It cannot be defined with a mere word. It is too complicated, what he and I share, to be set upon one word. But I do love him. He is the only lover that fills my heart though. I desire him, want all that he has to offer, and hold my true passion for only him.
What I have never said to Hephaestion is that he is my one true love. If he would have told me never to leave Macedon, I wouldn't be here now. In truth, he controls me, more than he knows or would like to admit to himself. He is who I love and behold above all others. Bagoas could never in a lifetime convince me, through words or actions, otherwise.
Hephaestion had not spoken to me in over a week because he is angry. He thinks that I do not care about what he feels. I do though. I have gone to everyone and anyone I know he speaks with, and by using my position as king, have inquired of him and his well-being. Even though he thinks I know nothing of his feelings, I do.
To begin, I did not take Bagoas as my own because of merely his looks. I do not deny that he is exceptionally beautiful though. There is something very seductive about him though. He is lithe and moves like a majestic cat, whereas Hephaestion is muscular and moves more as if he is touched by the gods. Bagoas is the concept of seduction in human form. He radiates lust and opens my mind to many things. Yet all the while, I still know what all the others do. Bagoas is not Hephaestion.
Hephaestion does not radiate seduction. It would be beyond and beneath him to do so. He instead enamors compassion and devotion. Truthfully, it is not what you would look for in a lover. Bagoas is a lover. Hephaestion is everything. Hephaestion is forever.
Physical attraction means almost nothing to me. Hephaestion is astoundingly superb though. Bagoas captivates with his movements. Hephaestion captivates with his eyes, of all his features, but his mind is what infatuates me. There is where the true separations hide.
Hephaestion listens to me as no other can or would. I love him all the more for it. I am closest with him because of this. He knows the secretes of my soul, the desires of my heart, and the depths of my mind. In return, I know his same secrets and depths. Yet so deep a connection can also be dangerous. Hephaestion is my only critic, and I owe him for it, but he does not know how much pressure that puts on me. It puts far more than I would ever be willing to let him know.
I do try to be perfect for him in all that I do. It drains me though. In all ways I love Hephaestion. That is why I have Bagoas –which I wish I could try to explain to Hephaestion.
In Hephaestion's eyes I am his equal and that is how I will always have it. Bagoas will never have that liberty. Even if I tell him so, it will never be. In both of their eyes I am viewed as perfect. They love me as I am. The difference between their love is simple. Bagoas shall always love me. He cannot afford not to. Even if he were to dislike me suddenly, he would fake his love, and unable to tell the difference I would never know. Bagoas' love it guaranteed. Hephaestion's is not.
At any moment he could stop loving me. I fear that more than death. That is my reasoning behind Bagoas, oddly enough. He to me is security. He is assured. On the other hand, he is nothing like Hephaestion. Nor would I ever wish him to be like Hephaestion. Only with Hephaestion do I share my true feeling. Only Hephaestion remains in my arms, sleeping soundly, throughout the night. Only him do I love.
"What do you love about me," I remember Hephaestion asking me long ago. I stared at him, silent, and blinking.
"I love you," I then answered. I can still hear Hephaestion's soft laugh. We were laying on a hill that many years ago. He laughed, shaking his head, and put his cheek to the grass so that he could better look at me.
"I know you do, but what about me?"
"Just you," I replied. "Why, what do you love most about me?"
"That you love me back," was his answer, which he tenderly pressed against my eager lips. I remembered that moment, even now, and do so fondly.
That was then. Now I see him only because he does not know I can. Some say that I have lost him. I look upon him now as he sits by the light of the fire. Orange waves dance over his features and bring out his eyes. I do not want to loose him. Yet I cannot tell him all that is on my mind, not about this. My only fear, of loosing his love, is only known to me. Saying it to him would be unfair. I cannot let him think so much of me. He is safer when he hates me.
Loosing him is all that I fear. On a field he protects me more than he does himself. I cannot loose him in the Indus, or at all. Perhaps he is safer when he does not want to love me. In my mind I would have him hate me, for his own good, if it would keep him alive so I may at least admire him from afar.
"I would wish him not to go," I quietly said to my mother before leaving Pella. "He would never forgive me, but he would live to hate me.""
"He would not live long," my mother had replied with a kiss to my forehead. I see now what she means. Perhaps she was right about that one statement. Together we are everything. Apart, we are nothing.
The things I would tell him if not for my own lack of courage. For tonight, I will linger here, gazing intently at him, until I can do so no longer without tears. In the end, he is not only in my heart, he is my heart. Bagoas is only a shard of what Hephaestion is to me. One day, he will know that.
Until then, the day we come back to one another, I remain as I always have been. I remain his, and his alone.
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A/N: That's a wrap everyone. Let me know what you think! As always, thank you for reading and I hope that you have enjoyed your time here.