Summary: This is a Supernatural songfic to the song Gone Forever by Three Days Grace. Pilot AU - what if Jess had never died? Because everybody knows that main characters never had a happy ending without lots and lots of angst. Starts in Sam's 4th year of law school. So tell me what you think.
Don't know what's going on
Don't know what went wrong
Feels like a hundred years I
Still can't believe you're gone
She had stormed out at dinnertime, with her keys, wallet, and a hastily packed suitcase. He slammed the door behind her, and they didn't see each other for two weeks, their friends trying to get them to talk again. Two weeks spent in brooding angry silence. She had appeared again after the second week, with two apologetic friends awkwardly trailing behind her. They exchanged only a few strained words before she left, all of her possessions packed in cardboard boxes and taken with her. Last he heard she was staying with friends on the other side of the campus. Neither of them had said it, but he know that their relationship was definitely over.
So I'll stay up all night
With these bloodshot eyes
While these walls surround me with the story of our life
He tried to concentrate on the fourth-year law school book in front of him, but he always ended up reading the same paragraph over and over, not taking any of it in. It was so different without her there, sitting across the room on the couch as she read her own course books, or quietly moving around the kitchen, putting on a second pot of coffee to keep them up as they studied feverently for a test the next day. His eyes drifted towards the mantle, where pictures of them together used to be lined up for all to see. Angrily, he tore his eyes away and slammed the textbook close, giving up on any last-minute studying.
I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
Its better this way, he told himself. He didn't have to lie about his past, make up a story of a traveling salesman for a father, trying to avoid questions about his past. He didn't have to hide the protective symbols scratched into the wall, or make sure to keep his weapons locked up and hidden away where she couldn't find them. It was better, he told himself. She should have someone that didn't lie to her like he did, like he would have kept on doing if they didn't break up. For the first time since coming to Stanford, he took the emergency five-pound bag of salt he kept underneath the sink and salted every window in his bedroom.
Now things are coming clear
And I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
So I'll stay out all night
Get drunk and fuck and fight
Until the morning comes I'll
Forget about our life
Two and a half weeks after they broke up, with his latest exam over and nothing to distract him, he found himself at a small, run-down bar within walking distance of his apartment. He stayed there until the bartender refused to serve him another beer, then staggered back home in a drunken haze. He woke up with one of the worst hangovers he could remember, but that night he found himself back at the same bar, nursing a beer that had gone warm an hour ago. He wasn't drunk, not this time, and needed money. So, he tried to hustle a few overconfident patrons. They weren't happy to loose their money, so as he left the bar and headed for home, he was jumped by five untrained, slightly drunk men. He went home with a black eye, bruises, and a sprained finger. The men who attacked him woke up forty minuites later and staggered home with throbbing headaches. Both nights, he had managed to forget her temporarily, until inevitably in the morning, he would yawn lazily and stretch out, expecting her to be next to him, like so many nights before.
I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
He had considered proposing to her, when he had gotten into law school. But then they had fought, and he knew it wasn't the time yet. It never was. He kept on pushing it back, for one reason or another. They needed to pay rent on the apartment, exams were coming up, they had another argument, there was a death in her family. The ring he had scouted out sat in the jewelry shop, until one day someone else bought it. He never did try to find another ring.
First time you screamed at me
I should have made you leave
I should have known it could be so much better
I hope you're missing me
I hope I've made you see
That I'm gone forever
Their first fight had been when they were dating. It was something trivial that he couldn't even remember now. They had both stormed off angrily, and a day later they apologized, going out to the diner down the block and discussing what it was that had made them so angry at each other. As he drifted off to sleep, the last thing he thought was, does she miss me too?
And now it's coming clear
That I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
He got his exam results back. He placed at the top of the grade curve, like expected. Classes continued, he still worked at a restaurant part-time to pay the bills. The days passed, the weather was beautiful. Their break-up did not affect the millions, and life for the world went on as normal. With one more sigh, he put the last picture of the two of them in a cardboard box, sealing it with packaging tape. The box went to the back of the closet in the new apartment he shared with two friends. It was time to move on.
I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever
Six months later, he met a girl at the restaurant where he worked. She was medium height, with brown eyes and hair. She was sarcastic, snarky, and quick tempered. They had spirited debates, each defending their point of view, and he loved the verbal bandying that had not been there with Jess. When she learned what he hunted, she met his eyes evenly and said in a determined voice, "teach me." Six years after they started dating, he proposed to her. As he sat on the sofa of their apartment in Chicago, case details in one hand, the other arm wrapped around his fiancé, his thoughts wandered to the girlfriend he had almost married years ago. I hope that wherever you are, you've found as much happiness as I have.