Slash and Burn
The office was quiet except for the scribbling of pen upon paper. After a busy day of an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, heart surgery, and several checkups on various patients, Derek Stiles and his fiancée Angie Thompson were busy doing paperwork. Derek for once was not sleeping or busy catching Pokemon. As he put down his pen and stretched, the door opened and Sidney Kasal walked in.
"Hey, Derek, can I see you in the basement for a sec?" asked Sidney.
"Sure. What's the matter?"
"I'll tell you when we get there."
"Alright then, I'll be down there. I'll see you later, Angie," said Derek before he closed the door.
"Okay," she replied, and she buried herself in her paperwork. Five minutes later, she finished, and decided to see what Derek and Sidney were doing down in the basement. As she walked down, she met Tyler and Leslie.
"Whatcha doing, Angie?" asked Leslie.
"I'm just going down to the basement to see what Derek and Sidney are doing."
"The basement?" said Tyler in a perverted tone, "I think we'd best take a look at what these two gentlemen are doing in there."
Leslie smacked him upside the head, and Angie fumed, stomping off with Leslie and Tyler closely following. When they reached the basement, Angie tried to turn the doorknob, only to find that it was locked. She stuck her ear onto the door, listening to what was going on in the basement.
"Think we ought to put this on?" said Derek.
"Yeah, we need a good grip here."
Angie, Tyler, and Leslie heard a loud snap, as if something rubbery was being put on. Tyler's eyes widened.
"Um, Angie, did you ever check whether your boyfriend was, um, straight or not?" Angie merely hushed him as Leslie slapped him on the shoulder.
"Alright, now, time for the goods."
Zip.
Angie's eyes widened as she heard Derek's voice: "Damn. I never knew they made 'em that big."
"Yep. It's a big bad boy."
"So how will we fit it in?"
"We're just going to stick it this way."
"Haha, this is so weird, usually at home I have to screw it in this way, you know, but this time I have to stick it into the other end."
"Yeah, like that."
A little pause. Angie's imagination went wild, and she felt very sick. Not only was Derek cheating on her, he was cheating on her with another guy! Leslie put a hand over her mouth. "Sweet Jesus," whispered Tyler, as very, very disturbing images flooded his mind.
"Oof, it's so big and heavy, and a little damp at the same time."
"Just fit it in the hole. That's right, just ease it in."
"It's really tight, and it's hurting me."
"Here, I got some lubricant here. We'll just smear it nice and good and then it'll go in real nice."
Another pause. Angie felt like she had eaten a very bad oyster, Leslie as if she was going to puke, and Tyler was flooded with memories of how he reacted when he had seen "2 Girls 1 Cup" as a teen.
"Yeah, that's how you do it. Just rub it in real nice and good."
"Ung, ugn, ugn… this is really hard work."
"You're the strongest guy here. I needed a man's help with this one."
Some more huffing and puffing. Angie, Tyler, and Leslie's eyes bulged out of their sockets.
"Alright, I screwed it in nice and tight. Boy, if Angie knew I was doing this kind of stuff."
"Now we have to push on it. Heave!"
There were some groans and moans coming from the room. Angie closed her eyes, and Leslie followed suit. Tyler's eyes were wide open.
"Harder, Derek, harder."
"I'm doing it as hard as I can!" panted Derek, exhausted from his effort.
"Damn! It's starting to leak."
"Just come over here then, so we won't get wet."
At that moment, there was a clatter, as if there were limbs flailing about, and the thrusting was getting audibly harder. It was when Sidney started to moan very loudly that Angie, Tyler, and Leslie couldn't stand it anymore and broke open the door.
"You sick pervs!" started Angie, but then she saw that the scene was nothing like what she and her friends had thought. Sidney was on the floor, holding his head with a gloved hand. A large red bump glistened on his noggin. Derek was right next to him, still gripping a large pipe that he and Sidney had tried to force into another rusty pipe.
"Umm…what?" said a very confused Derek.
"N-Nothing. I'll help pick up Sidney," replied a very mortified Angie.
"I'll, uh, help fix the door," stammered Tyler.
Leslie blushed, then looked at her wristwatch. "I—heh—have to do rounds now."
Derek was more confused than he had ever been in his entire life. "What the heck is up with you guys?"
"Nothing! Nothing, really! Derek, could you just tell me you only love me and no one else?"
Derek looked worried, but he replied. "I love you, Angie. I've never loved anyone else in the way that I love you."
Angie hugged Derek tightly.
"Thank you, Derek. That's all I needed to hear."
If there's any genre of fanfic that I very much loath, it would have to be slash. So it followed that I decided to parody the genre with this supposedly Derek/Sidney fic. I apologize if you were offended and scandalized by this, but that's satire. By the way, this fic contains a reference to another fanfic. Bonus points to whoever can identify the allusion. Hint: It has to do with Tyler's "Sweet Jesus."
Atlus owns Trauma Center and all characters mentioned in this fiction, much to my dismay.