Rat Boy's Revenge!
"Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows! Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together!"
"Oh, will you shut up?"
"Brighter than a lucky penny! When you're here the raindrops disappear, dear, and I feel so fine! Just to know that you are mine!"
"You're really getting on my nerves, you know?"
"My life is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows! That's how this refrain goes!"
"Shut up shut up shut up!"
"So come on, join in! Everybody! Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows! Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way when..."
Whack!
Peter Pettigrew tumbled to the ground. "Oh! What'd you do that for? Don't you like Lesley Gore?"
"No no no!" Lucius Malfoy yelled.
Peter rubbed his head. "Well, I do! Humph!"
"I swear if he starts singing again..." Bellatrix Lestrange began.
Lucius cringed. If there was one person he did not want to be in the same room as, it was his sister-in-law, Bella. Then again, the rat-like oaf who had just been singing wasn't much better.
"Who the heck are you anyways?" Lucius asked the short, fat, young man he'd just hit.
"I'm Peter Pettigrew, but you can call me Wormtail!" Peter sounded pleased.
"I see," Lucius said, inching away from Peter.
Lucius was not in a mood to be hassled with. His wife was a moron, his year old baby was indescribably annoying, and his in-laws were just unbearable. Now, to add to his troubles, this dunce of a wizard wouldn't leave him alone.
"Will you be my new best friend?" Peter asked, hugging Lucius.
"What? Ick! Noooooooo!" Lucius screamed.
Bella rolled her eyes. As annoying as this fat, little man called Wormtail was, her brother-in-law had to be worse, the blond git.
Peter sniffed. "Nobody likes me anymore."
"What about your friends?" Narcissa Black-Malfoy asked.
"They don't like me anymore, either," Peter sniveled. "Or, at least they won't, soon..."
"How come, Petey?" Narcissa asked.
"Oh, cuz I'm going to get them killed."
"I see..." Narcissa said, looking around nervously.
"Nice to see a new recruit for the evil side!" Bella exclaimed, completely and entirely not sarcastic.
"Thanks!" Peter said, blushing shyly.
Lucius glanced around the room. He'd been in it often. It was, of course, the waiting room to the Dark Lord's office. Bella was there to ask Lord Voldie if she could go on a few Muggle-killing raids that weekend. Narcissa had come with Lucius and was currently looking very confused and bored. Lucius had come for a very reasonable... reason: to ask for a raise. Not that Death Eating didn't pay well, but he'd been working very hard lately and thought he deserved a little bit more, with the new baby and all. But, why was this little, fat wizard there?
"So, what could you possibly have to ask of the Dark Lord?" Lucius drawled in a bored voice, which kind of made him sound retarded.
"To see if he wants to know where the Potters are living," Peter answered, innocently.
"And why do you want to betray your best friends to the Dark Lord?" Bella asked, intrigued.
"Well," Peter began, "Lily's never done anything to me and Moony won't be hurt too much by it, anyways. But, Prongs has been a real pain lately and Padfoot called me fat the other day."
Bella, who neither knew nor cared who these people were, said, "Well, you made the right choice... dork."
Peter sniffed. "I am not!"
"Dork dork dork!" Bella yelled.
Peter began to cry.
"Dork... dork... dork..." Bella chanted.
"Oh, Bella, do shut up! Look, you made Petey cry!" Narcissa rubbed Peter's head, saying, "It's alwight wittle Wormtail. It's alwight..."
Lucius rolled his eyes. "So, what are you going to do after you have your 'friends' killed?"
"Oh, I'm going to live for years as a rat," Peter said, absolutely no shame in his voice. If anything, there was a little hint of pride. He giggled. "Rats are funny!"
"They should call you Rat Boy," Bella muttered.
"Yeah, his super hero name," Lucius said, sarcastically.
Unfortunately, Narcissa and Peter had no grasp on the word "sarcastic."
"Rat Boy? Oh, was a marvelous idea!" Cissa said, clasping her hands.
"Rat Boy the Avenger!" Peter said, sticking one fist into the air.
Cissa giggled. Bella rolled her eyes. Lucius threw up in his mouth.
"Yeah... Hey, my costume can be pink!" Peter said.
"Ooh! Let's get planning!" Narcissa said, pulling out a sketch pad, a ball of pink yarn, and a copy of Knitting Super Hero Costumes For Dummies.
"Next!" a woman from behind the front desk called, chewing her gum loudly.
"That's me!" Peter said, standing up.
"Good luck, Rat Boy!" Narcissa giggled. Again.
"You, too!" Peter said, waving.
With that, Rat Boy, er, Peter stepped into Lord Voldie's office.
Bella rolled her eyes for the zillionth time that day. "Well, at the very least I suppose we can commend him for getting revenge. He may be a little twerp, but he knows his evil-minions-of-evil-overlords stereotypes."
"Hey, I got revenge last week on my hair dresser and you didn't compliment me!" Lucius complained.
"Oh, shut up, Blondie!" Bella snapped.
Narcissa, her tongue sticking out her mouth and her eyes squinted, carefully and gracefully wrote "Rat Boy" over a poorly drawn sketch of Peter in what appeared to be a pink blob.
Two minutes later, Peter came out of Lord Voldie's office, smiling. Also, he was now wearing a pink shirt that said "I heart Lord Voldie." And, yes, "heart" was written out all the way.
Narcissa sighed, dreamily. "Isn't he just the sweetest thing?"
Rat Boy, er, Peter looked proud, sticking his chin (well, all of them really) into the air.
Lucius and Bella glanced at each other. Then, they both proceeded to vomit.
Narcissa sighed. "Oh, I just love happy endings!"
"First of all, Cissy," Bella began, "This is not an ending. Second, it's not happy. Third, it's not..."
Narcissa cleared her throat. "I SAID, 'I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS!'"
Rat Boy, er, Peter nodded. "Deal with it!" He then proceeded to hum the Star Wars theme song and flex his muscles. Truly he had become... RAT BOY!