In the anteroom, Mustang's team and Alphonse were listening in on the battle occurring in the office next door. It had started off with Mustang's opening attack on Ed's apparent inability to go anywhere without destroying the town, swiftly followed by Ed's return volley of taunting his superior for being 'a wet match'. It had only gone downhill since, and now the assorted eavesdroppers were taking bets on who would use alchemy to attack the other first, despite Hawkeye's disapproving stare.

"Hey, Alphonse, shall I put you down for anything?" Havoc's pencil hovered over the little black book reserved for office bets.

"You're asking me to bet on my brother?!"

A brief pause.

"What're the odds of one of his ridiculous short rants?"

"We swapped to betting on the content of the rant two years ago. There was no fun in betting on a foregone conclusion."

"Hmm… Seventy-five cenz on some kind of reference to an ant."

.*.*.

The verbal spar was now reaching its peak, and Mustang was ready with his most vicious attack yet: Ed's height complex.

"It's absurd for us to be fighting over such a small issue, Fullmetal." Sat safely behind the desk, he smirked and watched the fireworks over his steepled fingers.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN RIDE AN ANT?!"

Neither of them heard Havoc's groan or Al's victory cry; both had been muffled by the heavy door and drowned out by Ed's frenzied shouts.

"Really, Fullmetal, I never thought it was possible for a person your age to shrink."

"Why, you-!"

Mustang stood up and made his way around to Ed. "Is that why you have that antenna? To make up those missing inches?"

He was suddenly very worried and started to back away from his commanding officer. "D-don't touch it, bastard!"

"Why not, Half-metal?"

"B-because I said so!"

Unfortunately, he had now been backed into a corner. Mustang reached out and flicked the gravity defying strand of hair, taken by surprise at how red the boy went. He did it again, and Ed just barely prevented himself from moaning. Intrigued by his subordinate's reactions, Mustang forgot about their fight and focused on the stubborn piece of hair between his fingers. Ed slid down the wall as his legs gave out at the knee, eyes squeezed shut and mouth open in a silent moan.

"M-mustang, y-you bastard! St-stop it!"

On the other side of the door, Alphonse had been getting increasingly worried since the two had fallen silent, and his brotherly instincts were going haywire. 'Could he be…?' He started knocking on the door, but had greatly underestimated his strength.

CRASH!

The door was slammed to the floor by the sheer force of the armoured boy in his fear for Edward. "Colonel! What do you think you're doing to my brother?!"

He looked around, releasing Ed's antenna as he did so.

"What do you mean?"

"Get your filthy, womanising hands off my brother! Look at him!"

Said Little Alchemist was in a messy, red-faced heap in the corner and, while his younger brother was threatening Mustang, Ed was slowly pulling himself together. After several long minutes, he was dragging his body up, using the wall to support himself. He took a couple of deep breaths and some practice steps before cutting into Al and Mustang's fight, brandishing one automail finger at his commanding officer.

"If you do that to me ever again, bastard, I'm suing your ass for sexual harassment!"

They swept out in a whirlwind of indignation, leaving silence behind. At last, long after the clanking of Al's armour had faded away, Havoc said what they were all thinking.

"What the Hell?"