Hey guys this is my Humor fic based on skyrim and my new Argonian oc "Zu-ki" and this is a semi one-shot of a speech based on a movie "Team America World Police" so I hope this is funny disclaimer: skyrim belongs to Bethesda
And so in front of "The palace of the kings" in Windhelm is the final battle of the civil war and the imperial legion are about to bring Ulfric Stormcloak to justice but theres one problem. Some of the nord citizens(the non-nords are just hiding in the houses) are in the way helping whats left of the Stormcloaks who are guarding the castle courtyard and General Tulious and Legate Rikka don't know what to do without harming the residents until a muscular male argonian with black scales, red patterns, blue eyes, red hair with straight upwards horns wearing heaving imperial armor stepped up named Zu-ki who was known as the dragonborn of legend the general, the legate, and the rest of the soilders were confused not knowing what Legate Zu-ki was up to until Tulious spoke "Uh Legate, whatever you are planning please let it be a way to convince these Nords to let us do are job" the argonian legate turned his head and only replied "don't worry general I got this" and then turned his head back at the nord crowed with a smirk and approached them. With a couple seconds of silence Zu-ki finally spoke.
"people of Windhelm, during my time in Skyrim I just found out we the imperial army are just Dicks." The phrase gave the legion and the crowed dumbfounded looks of [what the fuck is he talking about] "That's right, we the legion are just crazy stricken Dicks. The Greybeards(he points to the big mountain) are Pussy milkdrinker. (In Highrothgar, Arengier recently just got a shiver, looked at his fellow greybeards telling them that he has a feeling that someone called them pussies). Back at Windhelm Zu-ki continued his crazy speech "The blades, by the eight knows where their hiding used to be dicks but they got so full of shit they become nothing but another pair of assholes. Ulfric Stormcloak however(points at Ulfric who just came out of castle wondering whats going on) is a much bigger Asshole from the start." "WHAT IN THE NINE DID YOU JUST CALL ME YOU SHIT TALKING LIZAR…."Ulfric tried to reply but Zu-ki cut him off "But yet the, biggest Assholes we are really after are(points at the Thalmor agents who are hiding in the barrels who are starting to run away) the Thalmor waiting for Ulfric to finish throwing all his shit so they could throw their shit after. For many who thought Emperor Titus is an asshole, well hes not it turns out he's only being a type dick who would fuck up the most biggest risks in order to keep our dicks and our pussies clean from shit." The people of Windhelm are starting to realize that Zu-ki is talking methods in an inappriote way. "Some Assholes think they could throw shit at other asshole but it only makes the other assholes build up more shit as the pussy milkdrinkers think they could deal with assholes their own way but the only thing that could fuck an Asshole is a Dick with balls. But the problem with Dicks they like to fuck around a lot or some will say go carried away (he looks at a pendant with Saahvee's picture) and it takes the right pussy to calm the dick down (he puts the pendant away and go on a heroric stance), so people of Windhelm if you don't let us imperial dicks fuck that asshole (points at Ulfric) we are going to get our dicks and our pussy milkdrinkers, all covered in shit.
After Zu-ki's crazy speech the people of Windhelm clapped their hands looking like idiots and decided to let the legion do their job so the legionares who are embarest of Zu-ki's speech charged in and defeated Ulfric Stormcloak
Alright guys I hope this one-shot is funny and its my first so please no flames