Disclaimer: I don't own Big Bang Theory or Star Trek.

"Leonard...something's wrong."

Leonard was at the end of his rope. Again. "Come on, Sheldon. You're finally aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise-the real one!-and you still can't just enjoy it and let your roommate relax?"

"No, no, no. This isn't the real one. It looks all wrong. For example, did you know that the original Enterprise had not one, not two, not three, not four, but five-"

"Sheldon, I really don't care. I'm on board the Enterprise. Your lack of enthusiasm is a serious buzzkill."

Sheldon disregarded Leonard's last statement as a tic had suddenly appeared in his upper left temple, and his left eye was winking uncontrollably. "I know what's wrong."

"What is it?"

"Look." They had arrived at the bridge, where the famous crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise was conducting their standard pre-flight safety checks. Leonard suddenly realized how bad of an idea this had been.

"Why me?" he wondered rather loudly. The Enterprise crew turned to look at him.

"Excuse me, but who are you and how did you get here?" asked Lieutenant Uhura.

Sheldon exploded. "You close your mouth, Zoe Saldana. You're just here to be a pretty face-it's not like you have any real function on the Enterprise. Chief Communications Officer? Please, you're nothing but a tight red dress. And shut it, Chris Pine," Sheldon continued, his attention refocused on Captain Kirk, who'd opened his mouth to defend his Lieutenant. "You're just going to spew some ridiculous insult in your futile attempt to woo this woman which, of course, will never happen, stocky and belligerent as you are."

"Hey!" Kirk exclaimed, "I'm not stocky! I'm pretty dreamy, if I do say so myself."

"Well, you're no William Shatner," Sheldon countered. He was heaving, but not quite finished. He walked up to Mr. Spock. "Don't even get me started. I can't even look at you. You make me feel nauseated. Not literally, of course, but the metaphorical nausea one feels when one's childhood hero has been made into a farce."

"I apologize, I do not comprehend your anger-sudden human emotion is far beyond my capab-"

"I'll say it before, and I'll say it again," Sheldon interrupted. "Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto."

Leonard had been watching, open-mouthed, but finally got his wits together and dug a thick envelope out of his pocket.

"Come on, Leonard. We're leaving."

"Yeah, I know, give me one second," Leonard replied unhappily. He handed the envelope to Kirk. "It's an apology letter. We've started making Sheldon pre-write some generic ones since he's...well, Sheldon. Personally, I'm sorry you had to deal with him. I'm a big fan." He followed his roommate out.

Kirk opened the letter.

To whom it may concern,

I apologize sincerely for any actions, words, or behaviors of mine that may have caused you mental, emotional, or physical distress. With regards to criticism, please refer to Section 1, Subsection 1 of this packet. In the event of property damage, please refer to Section 1, Subsection 2. In case of insult to body shape or size, please refer to Section 1, Subsection 3, Article A, Subarticle Alpha. For all apologies related to cultural or religious incidents, please refer to Section 2, Subsection 1. Concerning arguments about comic book universes, please refer to Section 2, Subsection 2.

It went on for quite a while. Kirk crumpled it up and sank into his Captain's Chair.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. We are officially leaving Planet Crazy and never, ever returning."