You really don't know what to do. Or whom to turn to. You've talked it all over with Isobel and she has said her piece. "Give love a chance," your best friend had said. And "Age does not matter when it comes to love."
Of course for her that is easy to say. She is twenty years younger than you and so much more energetic and what is more important, so much less constrained by what other people think of her. Because Isobel does not care about that. If people talk about her behind her back, it does not bother her. "Why would it bother me? I don't know what they are saying, so I don't have to care." And when people say unfriendly things to her face, she defends herself gracefully. And quite wittily. With the exception of Dickie Merton's sons maybe. You've known Isobel for longer than twelve years and you value her more than you could ever have thought when you met for the first time. But in this, she cannot really help because she doesn't really understand and has enough troubles of her own with Tim and Larry Grey.
You've thought about talking to Rose, she is young after all and has recently fallen in love head-over-heels. But you are afraid that she wouldn't understand. She is too much of a free spirit and she maybe is too young.
You've thought about talking to Edith or Mary, both of them can keep a secret, they aren't as young as Rose and they know about heartbreak. Both of your granddaughters know far more about heartbreak than they should. All you ever wanted for them was to be happy. Maybe that is why you decided not to talk to them. Because they have suffered more heartbreak than you.
You realize that the only other person besides Isobel that you would have felt comfortable talking to about this would have been Sybil. She wouldn't have laughed. She would have understood. And she would have tried to give you advice. You wish that Sybbie was ten years older because you are sure that Sybbie is exactly like her mother. Just as Sybil was almost an exact copy of Cora.
Cora.
You could talk to her. She would listen. And take you seriously. And if you asked her not to mention anything to Robert, not yet at least, she wouldn't. Just like her daughters, she too can keep a secret. There is just one problem. You don't like her. And she does not like you. You know it is your fault, you loved Sybil very much, you do love Sybbie just as much, you would have been able to love Cora. But something stopped you. First it was the shame that your son had to marry an American for her money. And then it was pure jealousy. You were so jealous of the marriage she had. You could of course not feel any jealousy towards your son, you wanted him happy and so he has been for three and a half decades, but Cora got from Robert what you never got from your husband. Love. And utter devotion. Love and devotion up to a point at which it did not matter to Robert that his wife never gave him a son.
"The Countess of Grantham," your butler announces. As if on cue she has come. As she has done almost every day ever since Robert said that he had the feeling that there was something on your mind and wouldn't believe you when you told him there was nothing bothering you. Maybe Cora does not hate you that much. Or maybe she pities you. All alone and almost friendless. Or maybe she comes here because Robert asked her to take care of you. It would be typical of your son to ask something like that and it would be typical of his wife to do him such a favor without thinking about it twice, even if it was something very unpleasant for her.
"I am glad you came," you say to her because you have made a decision. You have to talk to someone. She looks a little astonished but then smiles.
"Good," she says and sits down.
"There was something I wanted to talk to you about." Again Cora looks at you surprised, but only says "Well, I am listening," and then she smiles.
So you tell her about Prince Kuragin and his proposal.
"So he wants to marry you? But isn't Shrimpie almost sure that the Princess is still alive?" The look on Cora's face makes you chuckle, because one of the reasons your son always gives when asked why he loves his wife so much is 'her natural ability to always assume the best in other people'.
"He did not propose marriage." You know that you have to tell her everything now or she won't really understand. And so you do tell her. Her look turns from shock to slight amusement to pity.
"That is quite a story," she says and then takes a deep breath. "So what are you going to do?"
"I really don't know," you say, because it is the truth. You want to feel loved, you want to be taken care off, but somehow it feels wrong to you.
"Do you love him?" That is a question you don't know the answer to either. You almost want to say yes, but you've never really loved someone in a romantic way.
"I was infuriated with him."
"When you met in Russia," Cora says and you can only nod because you are ashamed of yourself.
"Don't be ashamed of that." It is as if she could read your mind.
"How could I not? I almost ran off with him then."
"But you didn't."
"No. But I did," you stop speaking. You told Isobel that you couldn't remember whether you stopped it in time. But you do remember. How could you not remember? How could you not remember the way Igor took care of you? The way he loved you? The way he made love to you?
You see in Cora's face that she understands. Not only what you did but also why and that you cannot regret it.
"What made you come back?"
"The children. I knew I'd never see Robert or Rosamund again if I ran away." Cora nods, her face full of understanding.
"Of course," she says.
"I don't regret that decision. They were still so small then. They would not have been able to understand, maybe not even later in life. And my marriage was not unbearable. It just was not very pleasant all the time." You have now revealed more of yourself to her than you have during the previous 35 years.
"There was no romantic love between you." She doesn't ask you, she says it with a little pity in her voice. Pity you are not sure you want.
"No. But we got along well enough. We just never had what you and Robert have." You have never said it like that. Never. And you wish you hadn't said it now. She knows you are jealous of her now. And you don't want her to know that. You want her to think that you are her superior. Although she probably does not think that in any case.
"Robert and I are very lucky," your daughter-in-law says and smiles.
"And very happy, I suppose." You don't suppose. You know.
"Yes." She does not say anything else and you know she doesn't because it would make you feel very uncomfortable. But you think you will just have to face being uncomfortable now.
"How does that feel? Being very happily married?"
Cora looks at you in disbelief. As if she couldn't fathom that you wanted to talk about something like that. And then you see her looking for words. It takes her a short while before she begins to speak.
"It feels wonderful. You always have someone to turn to if you need it, someone to share your best and your worst moments. And it is true what they say, if you are married to someone you love, you feel as if that person was your other half." Cora said this without looking directly at you and you suppose she didn't because she feels sorry for you, sorry about having something you never had.
"You are lost without Robert. And he is lost without you." Cora looks at you now and smiles.
"Yes. I hate it when he is not home. Even if it is only for one night."
"So you still share a bed." You have no idea why you say this. Maybe it is because Igor said he wanted you to be lovers and you doubt that that would still be physically possible.
"Yes. The bed in his dressing room is just a pretense. I feel sorry for Bates who has to change the sheets every day knowing that they are hardly ever used. I've told Robert to stop pretending a hundred times, but he thinks it is necessary to keep it up for appearance's sake. As if there was a single person in the house who did not know where Robert spends all his nights." Cora turns bright red after this short speech but you find it endearing. It was honest and you know that what Cora just described makes your son very happy.
"I see," is all you can reply though, even if what you want to say is something quite different. You watch Cora for a moment, see her looking around your room, weighing her words carefully.
"Mama, whatever decision you make, Robert and I and the girls and I think Rosamund as well would support you. We've accepted a chauffeur, an illegitimate grandchild, we can accept an exiled Russian prince, even if that Prince is still married. But don't do anything you are not sure about. Take your time and most of all, don't make yourself unhappy. Even if you like, maybe love that Russian prince, there will be a scandal. If you can live with that, then don't let it stop you. But if you feel that a scandal would weigh very heavily on you, then think about it very carefully."
"That is not the advice Sybil would have given me." Somehow this is important to you.
"No, it is not. Sybil would have told you to let Prince Kuragin move in today. But Sybil did not care about what other people thought of her. She loved her family, she wanted all of us happy, but there was nothing that interested her less than the gossip columns and what people whispered about her during upper class house parties and at court. But I am not sure if the same can be said about you or anyone else in this family, maybe not even about Tom or Isobel." You nod at that and don't know what to say.
"It is your decision Mama. Make the decision that is best for you." This is advice that could only be given by an American and for once you appreciate that side of Cora.
"Thank you," you say and Cora smiles at that. "Please don't say anything to Robert."
"It is your news to tell," Cora says and when you look at her you know that she won't breathe a word of this. "I should get home, Robert wanted to show me some plans for the houses he and Tom and Mary want to build. They are fighting about the design and I think Robert wants me on his side."
"Aren't you always on his side?" you ask and Cora chuckles at that.
"More often than not I think. It drives Mary up the wall. Would you like to come for dinner tonight?"
"Yes," you say because you always want to have dinner at the Abbey. You are not alone then and you enjoy being with the family. But you also know that sometimes you get on Cora's nerves. And while you don't care for her very much, you do care for her a little. But now that she has asked, there is no reason to reject the invitation.
"Until tonight then," Cora says and gets up.
"Yes. And thank you. For everything."
"You are welcome," Cora replies and you wonder whether she knows that you did not only want to thank her for her advice but for making your son and granddaughters happy as well.
Once she has left, you get up too and your eyes fall on the pictures on your mantle pieces. The picture in the middle is your favorite one. It shows Robert and Cora with their girls, about a month after Robert's return from South Africa. They are all smiling on the picture, it is obvious that they are a very happy family. And you wonder whether you have ever had anything akin to that. You love your children, both of them, very much. But you never were a happy family. You weren't unhappy either, of course not, your husband loved your children as much as you do and that alone made you appreciate him, but you never loved him. And you wonder whether your interest in Prince Kuragin isn't a desperate attempt at finding a sort of happiness that was never yours, was maybe never meant for you. You really don't know, but you think that Cora has given you a frame of guidance. Once you are back at home tonight you will mull her words over in your head. And make the decision that is best for you.