If there was one thing Evan had not wanted to do this morning, it was attempting to write a positive letter to himself. As he stared at the blank screen his mother's words ran through his head
"This will help build your confidence, Evan."
She'd said, only how could she have possibly known how hard that would be? Evan thought to himself
Of course she couldn't have known, because I've never told her, and even if I could, I'd probably still have to write them, only I'd have to make something up so that she'd feel better and -
His thoughts were interrupted by his mother walking through his door. He shut the laptop and look up at her. She smiled warmly and sat down next to him, glancing at the computer.
"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day, and here's why.'"
He thought of the ten or so times he'd started writing a letter and then just given up after trying to find find a list of reasons that didn't exist. He gave her a small smile
"I started one,"
he replied quietly, looking down at his feet.
His mother drew him close to her and stroked his hair.
"Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, honey."
She said softly, kissing the top of his head and standing up.
How is writing a letter going to build my confidence?
He wondered internally.
"I guess,"
He said finally.
"Hey, remember this year, were being optimistic. The world's not gonna fall apart, and this year we're going to stick it out okay? It's a new start, okay?"
She said, putting her hands on her hips.
"Hey I know, why don't you go around and ask the other kids to sign your cast?"
That is literally the last thing I'd ever want to do, mom.
He thought to himself. He looked up at his mother, whose face was so full of hope and she was trying so hard.
"That sounds perfect."
He replied, sighing inwardly.
"I'm proud of you already."
She said. He slung his backpack onto his shoulder and walked out
Oh, good.
He thought as he walked out the door and hopped on to his bike.
"It's your senior year, Connor you're not missing the first day."
The sound of his mom's voice snapped Connor out of his thoughts.
He thought of the first day, everyone trying to make friends and figure out where they fit in now, a year older than before, and shrunk into himself a little.
Yeah no, not happening.
He thought.
"I already said I'd go tomorrow,"
He replied, grabbing a piece of toast.
I've been explaining this since the summer began,
He thought to himself.
I don't know why you're so surprised
His mom looked over to his dad expectantly.
His dad just shrugged.
"He doesn't listen, look at him, he's probably high."
He glared at his dad.
I don't even get high until after noon
He thought angrily.
It was a promise he'd made himself, one he rarely broke, unless he was having an especially shitty day, like today.
"He's definitely high."
Zoe spoke up from the opposite end of the table.
"Fuck you!"
He yelled, standing up.
"Fuck you,"
She shot back, sticking her tongue out.
"Guys quit it. Connor, I don't want you going to school high."
Jackpot.
"Perfect, so then I won't go. Thanks mom!" He called as he ran up the stairs to his room.
He could hear footsteps behind him and was surprised to see his dad when the door opened.
"Listen, I know you hate school and whatever, but it'd mean a lot to your mom if you went."
Yeah well, it'd mean a lot to me if you fucking listened to anything I said, ever,
He fumed silently, crossing his arms.
"Fine."
He replied, grabbing his bag and stalking out.
Why the hell did Connor have to be such a dick?
Zoe pondered as she grabbed her keys and backpack from the hook beside the door.
It's not like what I said wasn't true, and he's high ninety percent of the time anyways
She thought angrily,
throwing her bag onto the passenger seat of her car and starting it up.
At least people pay attention to him.
That's the problem with being strong,
She thought sadly
Nobody asks if you're okay.
Just as she was pulling out, Connor ran up to the car, threw her backpack into the backseat and jumped over the door and into the car.
She raised her eyebrows at him, but didn't say anything.
He shot her a look that said
"Don't fucking ask or this day will end with me pounding on your door and screaming at you."
Wouldn't be the first time, brother dear
She thought darkly.
As they pulled in to the school, she opened her mouth to apologize for earlier, but was interrupted by Connor jumping out of the car and running across the parking lot.
"Sorry, don't wanna be late!"
He called back, reaching the doors just as the bell rang.
Oh well, maybe later,
She thought, but something told her that there probably wouldn't be a later.