The Angel Of Pain
"… the smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they would turn into real
You broke your promise
And made me realize
It was all just a lie…."
Angels – Within Temptation
I'm running, as fast as I can. I can't stop, or sure I'll die... I have to go away from here, I have to find a safe place....
My feet are bare, they stumble over the rocks... they bleed, they hurt, but I can't reduce the pace of my running....
My clothes are humble, and in this moment I'm nothing more than a poor girl... a poor, defenceless and fearful girl. An enormous red dragon is flying upon me, ready to burn everything he can... fire everywhere, on the tents, on the few plants in here... miraculously I manage to escape the fire, dirty and sweaty.
I realize I should be somewhere else, maybe trying to fight the dragon, but the fear in that girl's body, so similar to mine, makes me do nothing else than run.
I see the people next to me die through the dragon's flames, but I keep running, because I'm sure I'll be safe somewhere... there has to be a way to escape... but I can't keep this pace for too long... soon the dragon's flames will reach me too....
Then, it's like I'm in front of a mirage. A forest, alive, is in front of me. In this desolated land, I see a forest. Like a portal to another world. A flourishing forest, where everyone is in harmony with nature and where peace reigns eternally.
I run, faster. My feet protest, blood coming out of my wounds... I can see it, mixing with the dust, but I don't slow down.
I see two figures in the forest. They're beautiful as angels, and looks like they come from another world... not the one of the war, where I am... but the one of the forest... will they let me in? Me, dirty and wounded... will I be worthy enough to enter that fairy world?
I get nearer, and I can recognise the two figures.
There's you, Eragon, and you smile. You smile at me, but you're holding hands with the other figure, the other angel. Arya.
The forest invades us with light, and suddenly I feel the fear go away.
I'm not that girl anymore. I'm myself again, except for my clothes. It's me, Nasuada. Maybe you won't recognise me, maybe that's why you won't let me in....
I get even nearer, the light hits my eyes, it envelopes me. I'm feeling protected, the wounds hurt less now.
And you, Eragon, leave Arya's hand. You approach me.
You're next to me, and I don't understand what you're going to do. You put a hand on my chest, and murmur something in the ancient language....
A strange sensation pervades me. What are you trying to do, Eragon? Are you trying to cast a spell on me? It's like a strange force is seeking something inside me... I don't feel pain....
The, the force vanishes. And I smile. You smile, too, and it's like this is the best moment of my life. You're beautiful, and now I know... I know you're the angel who's going to save me, who will let me into the forest....
Suddenly, everything changes. The light doesn't envelope me anymore, I'm in the dark again.
Now the light hits only you and Arya... but the light is concentrated all on something you keep in your hand, held in your fist.
You open your hand, slowly, and you let me see what you were holding. And I understand.
I realize, suddenly, that your hand, the same that touched my chest, is dirty with blood. My blood. And the object on your palm... is nothing but my heart.
I touch my chest, right where I should feel my heart beating.
I feel nothing.
There's no blood on my hand, you left me no wound.
But still I feel nothing.
You return next to Arya, your palm stretched towards me, to show me my heart. You take her hand. You both smile, like there's nothing unnatural in what has just happened.
Pain. Sharp pain in my chest. That's how you feel when something is missing. You took my heart, and threw me into the dark. You denied me salvation.
Can't you see my tears running down my cheeks? How can a creature be so beautiful, and yet so cruel?
The pain is strong, so much that it makes me fall down on my knees in front of you, my hands on my chest... like this is going to save me.
I know I'm about to die. How can a person live, if her heart doesn't beat?
Why are you standing still, Eragon? Don't you recognise me? I'm not just the queen of the Vardens... it's me, Nasuada, your friend....
Why are you leaving me here, while you're going into the forest? Why don't you run, ready to heal me, to free me from this pain? Why do you, my angel, let me die? Why?
You look at me again, but you don't raise a hand to help me. You hide again my heart, closing your hand... my view is hazy, while light envelopes you and Arya even more... maybe I'm dead, and you are really angels... I see you turn around, ignoring me, to keep on going into the forest....
Then the light disappears. The forest disappears. I'm back in the dark. I try, with my last bit of energy, to lay down... I can't do anything else than wait for my destiny to happen.
And I see the enormous dragon get nearer and nearer... I see him, from the ground, opening his jaws... I see the fire coming out....
I open my eyes, scared.
I get up, sitting on the bed. I put my hands on my chest, and I feel my heart beating, faster than ever, but I'm not calm.
I'm crying, so much that my tears fall down on my cheeks. It never happened to me before... but the dream was so real....
Because actually there is something real, in that product of my unconscious.
You took my heart, Eragon, leaving me no way out. You stole it, maybe without knowing, and you left an empty space that I can't fill myself alone. Every time I see you, you smile at me, but I wish you don't.
I will fool myself, some day, and believe you're going to fill that emptiness. How many times I was about to do that!
But before I could, there has always been a moment, a fraction of a second in which your attention moved to Arya. I saw you. You were completely caught by her, by her behaviour, that every smile and every word for me suddenly lost any meaning.
I understand. Reality is painful, but I can't do anything to change it.
It's my destiny. It's like in the dream.
I'll always have to be thrown in the dark... and then, I'll always live in the shadows....