BORN THIS WAY
Glee shortfic
By wanderingquill
DISCLAIMER: Glee does not belong to me. This fic is written simply as a tribute to a fantastic series and fantastic characters.
WARNINGS: OOC?, angst, sensitive topics (homosexuality)
AUTHOR NOTES: This fic is not meant for any kind of political, religious, or social commentary. I was just watching Born This Way and found Chris tremendously sexy in his shirt. Then I read one comment asking why Kurt Hummel, the epitome of out-and-proud, would wear the shirt he did. Thus, this very short angst-fest to take a gander at Kurt's possible thoughts. Also, I'd love to write more Kurt but am finding it hard to get a really good handle on his character – season 2 kinda threw me way off in my initial assessments – so this is a bit of a writing exercise.
WWW
"Kurt, are you seriously going to wear this shirt for the performance?"
Kurt Hummel turned to look at his best friend, Mercedes Jones. She was lifting up a white shirt with the words "LIKES BOYS" on the front. His eyebrow raised, he replied dryly, "Of course. Why do you have a better idea?"
Mercedes turned the shirt back and forth. Kurt paused from shuffling through his wardrobe. He and Mercedes were at his house going over his outfits for the next week. Since Dalton refused to refund the balance of his tuition because the transfer out before the end of the tuition year was completely his choice, Kurt was forced to make-do with what he already had in his wardrobe. He needed his girl's energy and optimism for the task. "What's wrong?" he asked, frowning.
The voluptuous girl grimaced. "Just spit it out," Kurt told her impatiently, planting his hands on his hips. "We need to get going – I still don't know what bottom, shoes, and bag I should be pairing with this top for next Thursday!" He pointed at the posterboard outlining pictures of his proposed wardrobe choices for the current and next weeks.
Mercedes hesitated but, with a deep breath, tentatively said in a soft, soft voice, "But, Kurt, I thought you're okay with being gay?"
Kurt froze. He stared at his friend, his breath unconsciously held for a long, shattering moment. Upon exhaling, he slowly moved to sit on the bed, legs primly together, hands on his knees, back and shoulders upright rigidly. He was staring right at his reflection on his vanity table, colour bleached out of his face, his eyes like burning holes. Mercedes gingerly sat beside him, still carefully holding onto the shirt.
"I've known I was different since I was 5," he finally said, turning his head to look straight into Mercedes' deep, dark eyes. His mobile, elfin face was taut, pale eyes a hard jade under the bedroom lights. "I've adapted, I've accepted, I've planned for my future ever since I really understood what it meant that I preferred to watch boys over girls at recess."
He swallowed several times. He almost had to force the words out. "But were there days when I wished I was straight? Were there days when I wished I wasn't born gay? Were there days when I wished I could look like every boy around me? Talk like them? Dress like them? Yes, yes, of course, there were!" He looked away from her and stared blankly in front of him, towards that boy in the mirror who stared right back. "I've been alone, Mercedes, for most of my life in a way that I don't think you could ever truly comprehend. I've been more scared more days in my life than I ever want to think or admit out loud. Sometimes, it's like I cry more than I laugh and there are so many times when I feel like the sun never will shine for me again." He heard her quiet hiccup beside him, a sound seemingly wrenched from her very soul.
"Everybody else could kiss someone and it would be something cute and funny. Everybody else could hold hands and they would be surrounded by people who would find them charming and adorable. I've never had that," he said quietly, "and, unless life drastically changes, I'm not sure I can ever have that, no matter where I go, who I'm with."
He felt a warm hand fall on top of his clenched fists. He looked back at his best friend, eyes red-rimmed with tears unshed. "I've adapted, I've accepted," he repeated, "I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of my clothes, my voice, my choices. I don't wish to hide in a closet, dress like a jock, or even act any different than I do now. I am who I am, and I will definitely choose to be happy when I finally find that boy for me. I'm not going to be some kind of monk or get a beard or do anything in any way to deny who I really am."
"But . . . but if I could be born straight, if I could have been given that choice . . ." Kurt swallowed dryly, pale skin now flushed with emotion.
He closed his eyes and said out loud words long since held deep inside his very self, never looked at in the light of day.
" . . . I'm not sure I would have chosen to be gay."
He felt Mercedes pull him into a tight, warm embrace. Kurt buried his face in her neck and, for a short exquisite moment in time, was comforted that he wasn't alone.
-FIN-