Disclaimer: No Degrassi for me.

It's you. I know that it's you, I can feel that it's you, but I can't see you. The night has swallowed you up in a way that makes me hate the dark. But I can smell the strawberry body wash that you use, you know, the one that your father gave you for Christmas? The smell that makes me feel sick whenever I smell it because I think of you?

Yeah. That one.

I see you shift so that the light of the moon is hitting your face and for the first time in quite a long time, I can look at you without feeling bad. Because you showed up this time. You came to my house. You are here.

Oh, fuck. You're here.

I feel my eyes widen and my pulse increase, because you look beautiful and I look like a mess. I'm sweating because your hair is falling out of your ponytail and looks stunning, and mine is just a greasy mess. And I want to cry, because you're here at my doorstep. You are here, and I don't know why. I have no fucking idea why, but I'll take it. Because I need you. My god, I need you.

I'm messed. And you know that. You even admitted it, remember?

You're messed, Eli.

I want to shut the door. I want to shut the door on you because you left. You left me and I want to be mad at you, I truly do, but I can't. I think it's because you're smiling at me right now. And I can feel my heart thud at your smile. I can't hate you. I could never hate you.

Why can't I hate you?

But you continue to smile at me, and I know in that moment that I'd do anything for you. As long as you smiled like that, I'd do anything. And I can hear my mind screaming at me, telling me to shut the door, run up to my room and hide there because you'll break me again. You'll wrap your soft fingers around me and squeeze every last drop out of me. You did it before, so why wouldn't you do it again? But on the other hand, my heart is telling me to pick you up and carry you off into my room and confess my love.

I ignore my heart and mind and I just look at you. You're beautiful.

Shut up, Eli. Any thoughts of her will kill you when she leaves.

But I don't care.

And even if I did care, you wouldn't, because you suddenly grab my hand and pull me up my wooden stairs, not waiting my invitation to let you in. And I'm certainly glad that you didn't wait because we would have been there for days if it were my doing. Your hand is clamped around mine in vice-like grip, and I hope that means that you want me. I hope that means that you might even care about me. But that might be stretching that too far.

You manuever yourself around my house in the dark, and in a way, that creates a dark hole in my stomach. Because you know my house that well to walk around it at night, without lights.

Your hand feels like a matching puzzle piece to mine.

We reach my room and you push through the door, taking my hand once again, and leading me through my room, before pushing me down on my bed. I bounce half a bounce before you're on your knees, unbuckling my belt. I can't breathe. Because Clare Fucking Edwards is taking off my pants. You are running your hands down my chest and I flinch, because I remember your touch, and I remember that I haven't felt it in so long. And I remember every goddamn thing about you.

Your lips wrap around me and my lungs aren't working and I'm pretty sure that I misplaced them. I can feel myself shaking as you go faster. And I look down at you and I see your hallowed cheeks and your pink lips moving up and down on me and there are no words for what I'm feeling. Because you look like you don't mind that you're doing this. And your curls are all messed up and your hair is falling out of your ponytail, and once again, I'm just a mess. But when you're around me, I feel more like a broken picture frame, rather than smashed glass.

And I'm shaking. Oh, fuck, I'm shaking. I can you moving faster and faster and I can't take it. I can't take it, I can't-

I crash down on my bed and I have no idea how to move and I don't even know my name, and holy shit, all I see is you. All I see is you and that scares me. That scares me out of my mind.

You cuddle up to me and my heart isn't working and my whole body is out of whack and the only thing that I can think is-

"I love you." I do. I do, I do, I do.

You smile and you're by my side and your face gets closer to me and you are right by my cheek and you're about to open your mouth. I'm at the edge, because I want you to say it. I want you to tell me that you love me. I want you to kiss me. I want you.

But, just like everyday that you visit me, when you open your mouth a buzzing comes out. Instead of a sweet "I love you", and annoying buzzing comes out and I can feel my heart break.

And I wake up.

I groan and slap my hand on the alarm clock, hating it for going off on that particular part of my dream. Hating it because everyday day I have that dream, and everyday it stops at the part.

I turn on my side and look at the empty space next to me. You aren't there.

You're never there.

Sometimes, I feel like you were just an illusion.

This was going to be a reunion fic...

In a way it was, right? ...

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