Consequences of the moon
~A Wolfstar story~
Sirius Orion Black was currently curled in his dark bathroom shower in his family's ancestral home, contemplating whether or not to use the blade that rested in his hand.
That morning, the school owls had arrived with his O.W.L. grades. His parents had not been pleased by them, to put it lightly.
Most people thought him to be witless just because he didn't do as well as Remus or Lily, didn't seem to attempt to try in class or anything other than Quidditch and pranks. His O.W.L. results had just proven that information to his parents. Parents, who expected him to be the best because he was a pure-blood and pure-bloods, were better than anyone who didn't have, supposedly, pure blood.
Personally, Sirius didn't see how your blood could be called pure if you married someone in your own family. They were family and that was considered incest, which was frowned upon. But he kept that opinion to himself.
Well mostly anyway. He'd shared this particular thought with his Remus one night when they were the only ones awake in their dorm. Just as he did with most of his thoughts and dwellings, since Remus understood them better than James or Peter, his two other best friends.
The few thoughts and feelings he didn't share with Remus, were the ones that he himself was afraid of and disgusted by. Every time he thought them, he felt the bile rise up in his throat and his stomach started to churn, even as his heart fluttered in his chest and an odd glowing, happy-as-a-kid-in-a-candy-store feeling settled in him.
Those specific thoughts consisted of Remus and himself.
Smiling.
Laughing.
Kissing.
Touching.
Loving.
Entwined.
Together.
His eyes strayed from the tiles on the wall, back to the blade in his hand. He gently ran his index finger along the sharp edge, hissing in a combination of pleasure and pain.
His mind started to drift back to the full moon that had been days before the O.W.L. testing. He knew that it was the reason he hadn't done as well as normal. He'd been distracted and nervous.
~*~
James had finally gotten Lily to except his dating proposal and Peter had a much needed Potions help class. Those activities had just happened to fall on the date of the full moon. Both of the boys had apologized profusely to Remus and offered to try and reschedule the events.
Remus, being Remus, had put his foot down and was adamant about them missing out on something because of him and his lycanthropy. He insisted that it was fine and that Sirius would be more than enough comfort and entertainment for himself and Moony.
The statement made Sirius smile slightly but, as his heart did that odd little fluttering action it had started to do recently around Remus, it melted away only to be replaced by a slight grimace.
The night of the full moon rolled around and Moony wasn't happy that Prongs and Wormtail weren't there to play. Plus the fact that they couldn't go out and run and explore like they normally did. Remus paid the price in an extra painful transformation, followed by Moony attacking himself with even harsher bites and scratches than normal.
Sirius had done his best, as Padfoot, to stop Moony from injuring himself too badly, but it was no use.
Finally, after watching Moony bite and scratch at Remus's already scar littered body for what felt like forever, he was getting desperate enough to consider transforming back to his human form and letting Moony attack him instead of Remus.
The only reason he didn't was because he and the other Marauders had promised Remus that, no matter what or under any circumstances, were they to be in human form around him when he was Moony. He knew, he knew, that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from killing or biting them. And they, as his best friends, knew that if that ever happened it would kill him. Literally.
When the sun finally rose, Sirius had never been more grateful for a full moon to be over. He normally enjoyed it, because he was able to be Padfoot, his other self, although he hated the reasoning for his other form. Hated that the reason he could become Padfoot was because Remus had to become Moony.
After Remus had shifted back, Sirius had healed some of the worst injuries. He couldn't do much though, because Madam Pomfrey would surely notice. He did enough so that Remus wouldn't bleed to death or get an infection. Then, he stayed with him, just holding him close and stroking his hair, murmuring comforting words, rocking the limp form of his friend in his arms slightly.
When he felt Remus begin to stir, he loosened his hold slightly and went to pull away, since he knew that Pomfrey and Dumbledore would be coming soon to get Remus. As he did so, Remus's weak bloody hand came up to his wrist and grasped it weakly, pulling lightly.
He murmured sleepily, "Stay. Don't want to be alone now. Stay. Please."
Sirius stared at Remus in shock for a moment, since he wasn't expecting the words. He knew that Remus liked to be comforted after the moons, but he'd never actually come out and asked them to stay.
His heart fluttered slightly and a small smile spread across his lips. And this time he let it, along with the warmth he felt at the words, wash over and through him, undiluted. It felt wonderful. Exhilarating even.
He leaned down and whispered, "Don't worry, I'm not leaving you. I'll stay. Always." His lips brushed over Remus's ear as he spoke and he felt his friend shiver slightly.
Sirius reached up a hand to feel Remus's forehead and noticed it was hot but his skin was clammy with drying sweat. He pulled him closer, sharing his body heat, and felt Remus sigh, while attempting to snuggle closer. His exhausted limbs wouldn't listen to him though, so Sirius helped, pulling him even closer.
He felt him sigh and give a little shiver again, as he began to run his fingers through his sweaty hair and smiled.
He stayed that way, holding Remus close, until he heard the approaching footsteps of Pomfrey and Dumbledore coming into the entrance of the Whomping Willow. He let out a small, wistful sigh and began to untangle himself from Remus.
Remus began to make small sounds of distress as Sirius pulled away and got up. He leaned back down and scooped Remus up off the hard floor and placed him softly on the bed in the corner of the room.
Remus continued to make small noises as Sirius moved him, but quieted when Sirius took his cool hand in his warm one, fingers squeezing faintly, comfortingly. Sirius waited until Pomfrey and Dumbledore were just a few feet away from the door before he pulled away from Remus completely.
Remus started whimpering the moment he did, reaching out for him blindly, while muttering in a small hoarse voice, "Stay…don't…leave…"
As the invisibility cloak fluttered down and over him, Sirius leaned down and once again whispered, "I'm not leaving you, Remi. I'll still be here. Always. I promise."
A small smile spread across Remus's pale face as Sirius stepped away from him, the cloak firmly in place. The moment he was far enough away so as not to get in the way, in came Pomfrey and Dumbledore.
As they righted him enough to be okay to move, Sirius stayed and watched over his friend. He followed them up to Hospital Wing, almost giving himself away as his body moved towards the bed on its own accord, when Madam Pomfrey healed one of Remus's injuries and his friend gave a cry of pain.
He wanted to hold him again and make the pain go away but he couldn't.
He wasn't allowed, because it was wrong to be feeling this was towards Remus.
Remus who was his friend, brother, comrade, and most importantly, was clearly a boy. It was wrong of him to like boys since he was one himself.
Sirius could almost hear his parents ranting over dinner at how wrong it was to be a homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, or anything other than straight. They said if he or his brother were ever caught with a boy or admitted they were in anyway interested in them, that they'd be disowned. Or worse.
Sirius was terrified because he was starting to think he liked boys. Well, only one boy. His Remus.
And it scared the hell out of him.
He stayed in the shadows until Pomfrey left Remus alone, after giving him one last pain relieving potion. She left another bottle of the potion on his table, along with some orange juice with pulp and a glass of water.
Sirius almost yelled in frustration when he saw the items sitting on the table. Madam Pomfrey had been taking care of Remus since his first year and she still didn't know what he liked after a transformation. She didn't even stay with him, for Merlin's sake!
Remus, being Remus, wouldn't ask her for anything but the occasional pain potion. But he'd finally confessed to Sirius that after each transformation he'd always want something besides what she gave him.
What he always wanted was Honeyduke's biggest bar of chocolate, hot chocolate with milk and whipped cream, and orange juice without the pulp. It helped with the tremors he sometimes had. And last but not least, he wanted someone to stay with him. Just to talk and joke around, to make him feel less like a monster, and less an old man. To make him feel human and like a teenage boy, not someone with a 'furry little problem'.
And that's what Sirius did. He was ever as loyal as his Animagi form as he was his human.
Each and every transformation after that, Sirius always had what Remus wanted. When Sirius would give him the items, Remus would smile an actual smile at him and his heart would stop briefly.
~*~
The particular transformation where James and Peter weren't present happed to fall a few days before O.W.L. testing. Sirius, like he promised, hadn't left Remus's side since he'd promised. He wouldn't break his promise to his Remus. He needed him to take care of him in ways Pomfrey couldn't.
Remus was stressing about Sirius missing those important days before the testing but Sirius insisted on staying with Remus and that James, Peter, and Lily were taking extra good notes for them both. Remus had sighed heavily, accepting that Sirius would be staying.
He did get a little happier though when Sirius mentioned having his books, notes, and homework with him that they could work on so they wouldn't fall behind and could study.
Sirius had told James to tell their professors that he had a cold and wasn't feeling up to coming to classes. He really did have a cold though, according to Madam Pomfrey, so that covered his excuse.
He was actually glad, now at least, that he'd taken a swim in the rather chilly Black Lake a few days previous on a dare, since it let him stay with Remus, until it was okay for him to leave.
He'd not been happy at the time, but he'd really wanted James's stash of Honeyduke's chocolate, so he'd done it.
~*~
O.W.L. testing was the day after they got out of the Hospital Wing and although Remus had been a good student and studied while being sick, Sirius hadn't. He'd studied some yes, but the rest of his time was spent reliving the last full moon which Remus didn't seem to remember and thinking about his growing feelings for the teen werewolf.
He'd done well on all the tests up until History of Magic. It was his worst subject after all, and while he had been studying it, Remus had been quizzing him in Charms. That in turn, caused Sirius to loose his focus on what he was reading and his brain stopped processing it, only listening to Remus's still slightly hoarse voice. When he took the test, all he could think of was Remus and his mind couldn't think of half of the answers.
~*~
When his parents had gotten the owl with his results, they had been proud of him for getting mostly Exceeds Expectations and even two Outstandings. Up until his History of Magic grade, that is, which was a Poor.
His father had promptly started to yell at him, as did his mother, and he was forced to stand there and take it without any lip.
It was what he deserved, after all, for letting them down and for his thoughts and feelings about a bloke. He'd failed them, shamed them, by being such a stupid, worthless fuckup. Not to mention a flaming pouf.
It was when they started in on the reasons why he'd done poorly that he'd finally snapped out of his stupor and wallowing. They'd insisted that it was the teacher at first, then Sirius himself, which wasn't the entire truth. But then they finally agreed that it was his friends that were always up to trouble, pulling pranks and were generally bad influences, that he'd snapped and unleashed his furry on them.
They just stared at him for a few long, tense moments. Then, when his father started to undo his belt, Sirius knew that he'd gone too far. He'd finally taken the plunge off the edge of the cliff that he and his parents had been balancing on precariously. They'd had fights, yes, but his father had never hit him before with something like a belt. With his hand a few times, yes, but never the belt.
He pleaded and cried and begged for forgiveness and said he was sorry and hadn't meant it. He was just angry. But his father hadn't listened to him and proceeded to hit him. First with the belt a few times, and then his fists.
As his screams echoed through the room and up the stairs, his brother, Regulus, who was only slightly younger than him, had come running into the room, frantic as to what was going on and why he was screaming.
His father was well past the point of comprehension and started to move towards Reg, belt held out, angry that he'd been interrupted.
Regulus looked on in fear, frozen in place, as his eyes darted to his mother, who didn't seem the least bit concerned for her son's welfare, for help. Finally, the dark grey orbs flicked to Sirius and locked on him, silently begging for help that he didn't think would come.
Seeing that look on Regulus's face reminded him of Remus's expression right before the full moon. Pure terror and utter helplessness. And thinking of Remus in pain or scared in any way made him angry at whoever or whatever threatened him.
So he turned his anger towards his father, and eyes flashing with a wild, reckless anger, launched himself at him just as he brought the belt down across Reg's raised arms that were trying vainly to protect his face.
Reg gave a sharp cry and fell to the floor in a whirlwind of shock, betrayal, fear, and pain. He looked down at his arms where they stung and felt sticky and warm. Blood. He was bleeding and could already feel a bruise, along with a welt, beginning to form.
As Reg hit the floor, Sirius's body made impact with his father's side and they tumbled onto the floor. His dad landing on his right shoulder which gave a sharp, loud crack when it made impact with the hard unforgiving floor.
Sirius was grinning like a crazy person at the fact that he'd finally done something against his father and protected Regulus/Remus. His anger still hadn't subsided and was burning hotly in his veins, mixing with adrenaline. He turned towards his brother and yelled at him to run for it, not wanting him to witness anymore.
Reg scrambled up quickly and took off for his room as Sirius brought his fist down on his father's chest, then his face. The whole world seemed to go silent and all he could hear was the sound of his heavy breathing and skin against skin.
Awhile later he noticed he was growling like an animal and that he was yelling at the top of his lungs, "Don't you dare touch him! He's mine! Mine!"
Finally, after what seemed like forever, but was really only about two minutes, his mother stunned him and called in a house elf to take him and lock him in his room until she told them it was okay to let him out.
As Sirius was being transported out of the room, he saw that his father was on the ground a bloody, limp mess and his mother was crouched over him muttering incoherent words.
He didn't think his father was breathing.
And, strangely, he felt okay about it. Didn't feel the least bit bad, at the moment, but he was sure that he would.
Later.
Eventually.
Maybe?
He blacked out after that, but woke up as he was dropped unceremoniously on the floor just inside his door. He gave a cry as his abused back hit the hard wood.
He was trying to get to his feet when he heard the door close and the locks click into place. Then, he felt the wards go up.
He was trapped. Caged like a bloody fucking animal.
After awhile of struggling, he finally gave up and gladly let the darkness take him.
~*~
When Sirius next came back into consciousness, he looked up from his spot on the floor to the window near his desk. He let out a sigh when he saw that it was now night time and began to slowly get up off the floor.
Once he'd finally pulled himself up and onto the bed near him, he picked up his wand that he'd left in his room when going down to see his parents. He gave it a flick and Summoned a mirror from his attached bathroom. When it landed in his hand, he lifted it to his face and took in the damage, sighing at what he saw.
He had a split, bloody lip, black eye, bruised, tender jaw, and a gash on his forehead that was still bleeding. It had slowed slightly as it had begun to clot and there was some drying blood mixed into his dark eyebrow.
Not too bad, but still not good, he thought.
His eyes traveled down to his hands that were red and scratched slightly. He saw that a few of his knuckles were bruised and swelling.
Probably broken, he thought with a sigh.
Then, with a shaking hand, he turned so he was able to see his back. And gasped in the shock of what he saw.
His back was bloody, like his face, and black and blue with red angry cuts from the lashes he'd received. Blood was still trickling from some of the deeper ones and the others had already clotted and were starting the slow process of healing.
He considered healing the marks with magic, knowing he wouldn't get in trouble for using magic outside of school, since the Ministry would think it was his parents. But, the more he thought it over, the more convinced he became that he deserved to bear the marks and the pain for shaming his family by not living up to their expectations for him.
His anger at his father was still present, burning and churning underneath the surface of his skin, making him think of a boiling cauldron in Potions. But the anger was now mixing with the guilt of what he'd done.
Not the defending Remus/Regulus part though. Never that. He was a Black and they protected what they thought was their's even if they didn't own it per-say. For all intents and purposes though, Remus was his and his alone. He was the only one aloud to touch, kiss, or love him in any way other than a friendly form.
He froze at the turn his thoughts had taken.
Why was he thinking these things?
About his friend, to boot?
One who was a bloke, as well?
He didn't know.
Didn't even know the answers himself.
Or if his friend liked blokes.
God, his head hurt and he felt as if he were burning and freezing at the same time. Along with each and every muscle, tendon, and bone that he had.
He felt like shit.
Or, like Remus would say after a transformation, 'I feel as if I've been hit by a Mac truck and was then rolled over by a bulldozer.'
~*~
After awhile of just thinking about the earlier events and staring at his face and back, Sirius decided that he should go and check on Regulus to make sure he was alright. He heaved himself off the bed, but then had to grab the bedpost when the world started to spin and tilted dangerously on its axis.
Well, he thought, I guess going all day without eating lunch or dinner isn't good for you. Along with getting beat by your father.
He chuckled humorously.
After the room stopped spinning, Sirius slowly let go of the post and grabbed his wand, starting for the door. Once he'd reached it, he tried the handle and found it to be locked. He muttered a few choice words as he started throwing spells at the door trying to open it. When none of them worked, he finally tried to blast it off its hinges. Nothing happened.
This time though, instead of trying a spell, he kicked it with his foot while pounding on it with his hands. Still nothing.
With a noise that sounded a lot like a growl, Sirius gave up, walking away from the door and over to his bed again. He put his face in his hands, rubbing in a frustrated fashion, but stopped with a wince when it irritated his sore skin.
He flopped back on his bed with a sigh, staring at the ceiling, thinking some more.
He hoped that Regulus was okay after being hit. He hoped that Remus was alright, too, since his monthly transformation was tonight and he didn't have any of the other Marauders there with him.
He knew that Remus's parents knew and were good at healing spells and Muggle medicine. Remus was a half-blood and grew up with both magical and Muggle things alike.
He just hoped that it was good enough. And really, he did know it was; they'd been taking care of Remus, since he'd been bitten as a child. His parents had had to learn how to heal him so he wouldn't die after each transformation from injuries.
But his possessive and protective nature towards Remus made him feel he was the only one good enough to heal him properly. He and Pomfrey that is.
God, he was scared for his friend. One would think that not having to watch the transformations would be easier that witnessing them, but that was not the case for Sirius.
Quite the opposite in fact.
For him, it was easier to watch them and know what was happening to his friend than having to sit and worry about him and not know if he was okay.
Sighing as his thoughts became even more depressing; he sat up and looked around his messy, chaotic room. Normally, at school, his things were not necessarily neat but not a mess either.
Remus normally got on to him for making their dorm resemble a pig sty. Sirius would always say that some of the stuff was James's and Peter's. Remus would always sigh and shake his head, causing his sandy brown locks to look like he had a slight case of bed-hair. That in turn made Sirius want to touch them, something that he wasn't allowed to do, since it was wrong.
As, once again, his thoughts drifted back to Remus, he gave a small growl/whine, before he pushed himself off the bed. Heading toward the bathroom, he turned on the shower, letting the water heat until it was so hot it practically burned him. His abused back came in contact with the scalding water and he let out a pained cry.
He stood under the water, letting the torturing, burning heat soak into him, warming him slightly from the inside out. He let out a soft moan as his tense back and shoulders relaxed some.
His mind began to imagine what it would be like to have Remus in the shower with him, have him touching him, and for once, he let it. At that moment, he was sick and tired of hiding the truth from everyone, mainly himself. For that moment he was okay with the fact that he liked Remus, not boys, just Remus.
His imagination was beginning to run wild, turning more lustful. He felt his cock gaining interest, hardening, as the images in his mind grew stronger.
Remus stood behind him, massaging the tension and anxiety from his shoulders, running his hands down and over them as they trailed down his spine, causing Sirius to shiver pleasantly. Remus's hands continued their path downwards and eventually came to rest on pale firm buttocks.
Fingers kneading softly yet firmly, he began to thrust his hips forward into Sirius, letting the other boy feel how much he loved this.
After a few minutes, one of Remus's hands snaked away from Sirius's butt, trailing slowly over his hip, causing gooseflesh to erupt across Sirius's skin. His hand seemed to crawl up the raven's side, before it finally reached his chest. Long thin fingers began to pull and tweak at dusty brown nipples until they were hard and pebbled, begging for attention.
Remus leaned down and ran his slightly stubbly chin across Sirius's shoulder, causing the latter to shiver, before he turned his head and nuzzled his nose against the slightly shorter boy's neck. He opened his mouth and placed a wet kiss on the other's neck, sucking hard enough to leave a love bite. His tongue sneaking out to sooth the abused flesh after hearing Sirius's small whimper.
His hand stilled its actions on Sirius's chest and moved slowly once again down his front. On its way south, it drew odd patterns over the dark haired boy's abs that contracted at the light touch. After that, he dipped his index finger into the boy's navel, circling teasingly. Finally, the hand reached his cock, skimming it lightly with sure fingers.
Sirius groaned loudly, feeling himself grow even harder, as Remus continued his ministrations. He could feel the brunette harden even more as well, his thrusts beginning to increase in speed, becoming more brutal.
Both boys breathing hitched and speed up, their erections pulsing painfully as the pleasure increased to the point of pain.
Suddenly, Remus stilled his actions on Sirius before burring his face even deeper into his neck, biting the sensitive flesh as he came with a cry. Spurred on by Remus, Sirius fisted himself a few more times, since Remus's hand had dropped away as he came, and then he was coming as well. Spots of white light filled his vision, body numbing until all the could feel was his cock and the pleasure radiating from it.
After their bodies had calmed somewhat, Sirius felt Remus begin to pull away. His hand slid off of his over sensitive cock, the hand that had been on his butt, falling as well. His head lifted from its spot on Sirius's shoulder, lips leaning close to his ear and blowing softly. He nipped it lightly before he blew on it again.
Then, as the water began to grow cold, and Sirius's fuzzy senses began to return, Remus was gone.
When his senses had returned in full, he gave a soft sigh as his eyes opened and took in the empty shower that smelled of sex and cum. He noticed then that his hand was covered in the sticky result of his daydream and that he'd fallen to the tiled floor of his shower and was slumped angst the cool wall, out of reach of the shower's spray.
He slowly pulled himself to his knees, and then crawled the small ways to the water that could now rain down on him. It was now cold as ice but he didn't care. After all, if he was already cold and dead on the inside, as he felt, then what did it matter that he was cold on the outside? He sat down under it, knees folding Indian style, and washed the cum and sweat from his body.
Then he grabbed his shampoo/conditioner, not caring that conditioner was for girls, and washed his hair. After that, he put some soap onto his wash rag and began to scrub at his skin until he could feel it becoming red and raw. Then he washed off the soap.
He'd let his mind go too far earlier and now he was dirty and had to get clean. It was the only way to pay for his momentary disgrace to the family.
Once he was sure he was clean, or as clean as he was going to get, he summoned his wand and the blade from his room. The Summoning Charm was just one of the few spells he'd managed to learn to do wandless.
After they'd landed in front of him, he laid down under the chilly spray, curling up into a small ball.
God, how he hated what his next move was.
He didn't want to do it, but he had too.
It was for the best, after all. The best for himself and for everyone else. Especially Remus.
Remus who didn't deserve having to put up with Sirius's love for him, because that's what he'd do; claim to feel the same way so as not to hurt the latter's feelings. And then he'd once again be putting his own feelings aside for someone else; making himself miserable in the process.
Nope, not this time. This time Sirius wouldn't make him do that; he'd make the choice himself. And everyone would be better for it.
Yes, he knew that people would miss him. The Marauders, Lily, Regulus and Adromeda. Maybe even the Professors; though they most likely wouldn't, since it'd make their jobs easier without him around causing havoc and being destructive.
But he knew that at least his friends, brother and cousin would miss him. This didn't make this any easier on him.
He picked up his wand and, using it, wrote his finally words on the wall in bright red lettering. Toujours pur, no more.
Then with a shaking hand, he lifted the blade that had landed in his hand. Putting it to his arm and after taking some deep breaths, he made one deep gash that stretched from his wrist to the underside of his elbow.
Gasping in deep shallow breaths at the pain, the blade fell from his grasp. He slumped down onto the tile, curling his arm up against his chest like a wounded animal would.
As the Quickening potion he'd soaked the blade in set in, the darkness crept up slowly, leaving him time to think his actions over once more, something he didn't want to do.
The only think that really made sense to his hazy mind was the clear image of Remus' smiling face swimming before his eyes. And as the potion was absorbed into his bloodstream, that sacred image of his unrequited lust and maybe love, became unclear, he let out a small, weak, whimper. He thought, I think this was a mistake. A big one.
He started to panic then and tried to push himself up, but his quickly weakening body couldn't hold his weight and he fell with a thud to the floor, the cold water still washing over him, washing away all the evidence of his unclean and un-pure blood. He was so weak now that he couldn't even use his wand and coherent thoughts were becoming few and far between.
He felt himself becoming incredibly and increasingly colder and weaker then, and he knew he was dying. He then felt as if the cold, dead, icy fingers of Death itself had gripped him by the ankles and were now pulling him closer to something and somewhere that he didn't want to go anymore.
Just as the darkness was finally almost completely encasing his senses, he saw the face of Remus again, except this time he was crying with a look of anguish on his pale features.
And it was then that Sirius's knew for sure. He now knew that he'd made a grave and terrible mistake.
Instead of saving Remus from being miserable he'd only managed to case him more pain. It was then that he also noticed he was crying, though not for himself but for Remus.
Oh, God, what have I done?
~Fin…. for now~
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Review please and let me know if you'd like more, because I've got it. All you have to do is ask and you shall receive. (After I write it that is.)
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Here's a small little timeline and other stuff that goes with this:
16 when he ran away to live with James
17 when he bought a house
Toujours pur-always pure
OWL's at the end of fifth year (so almost 16)
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And remember, Review's are greatly appreciated!
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Ms. Marauder-Cullen