Hello beautiful humans. I want to apologise for being MIA on both of my accounts. To be completely honest, I am not doing so well at the moment mentally and I am having a really hard time finding myself. I have been writing a lot, but most of it is not worthy of being posted and I would hate to waste your time.
This story however came to me after a really tough day. Its very dark and has some triggers so consider this your official warning. Read with caution.
I will try and update my stories on both accounts and will see you all soon. Don't forget to review and if you have any ideas for me to get down, don't hesitate to drop me a message. Enjoy.
There have been times in Jennifer Jareau's life when she feared she would fall into a never-ending hole of despair, and nobody would be there to pull her out, yet every time she had someone. When her sister died, in, sometimes, inconspicuous ways, her mother would help her and allow her to see that there was a life worth living without her sister. After Elle left, and Reid was kidnapped, JJ felt like there was no way to turn without being blamed in some way for what had happened. JJ had given the press conference so why was Elle the one who was shot? JJ was the superior agent in the field, yet she allowed Reid to overrule her and split up, leading to his kidnap, torture and drug addiction. Two actions at the hands of the blonde lead two downfalls of amazing agents, one of which a certain brunette didn't survive. But in their own ways, the team showed JJ that her contribution to the team was a unique one and that they never blamed her for either attacks. Somewhere in the midst of all this, JJ and Derek found each other on a level none of the team could understand and they developed a beautiful relationship that outlasted Hotch's near-death-experience in New York, Reid's anthrax scare, Hayley's death and JJ's transfer out of the unit. It was a relationship everyone in the team treasured because it showed some of the good that could come from the torturous job they had. Despite surviving JJ's time in Afghanistan which was on a strict need-to-know basis, their relationship plummeted with Emily's empty coffin as JJ's became cold and distant. At first, Derek was sure it was due to the death of their close friend but after JJ returned, there was something about her that was different, a part of her lost that he couldn't find no matter how hard he dug. Although he didn't know about the miscarriage, JJ couldn't help but blame herself for the demise of their relationship. She knew about Emily being alive but still watched him suffer; she knew about the death of his baby but never once confided in him. She ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her, but instead of fighting, she stood by and watched. Once Emily was back from the dead, the now non-existent relationship crumbled and JJ was left alone, watching from the side-lines as Emily reconnected with her team and she was pushed aside. The conversations with Hotch, the brunette and even Strauss went unheard as JJ left the bullpen that night after everything was resolved with Doyle, the blonde well done with fighting. Now, here she stood, alone on a bridge not far from her apartment, watching the calm waves wash over the bank of the river, a million thoughts running through her head. She was going under once again, but this time, there was no-one to save her. She felt herself going crazy as she craved to have the one she loved, craved to hold him but it was easier said than done. He numbed the pain she felt in her heart and now without him, everything was bursting out with no control and she couldn't stop it. As the sun sets and nightfall's, she suddenly feels more alone than ever, the life dying around her as cars passing down the road dulled, the lights in the distance fading out until suddenly, it was the middle of the night and the only sound she could hear was the water running beneath her. A small laugh escaped her lips as she realised how easy it would be to end it all, to stop feeling everything she was feeling. She wasn't sure what would kill her first, facts that Reid would probably spit out flashing through her dulling mind. Maybe the height would cause her body to shatter as she hit the water, or the temperature would shock her into drowning. She wasn't sure, but both options sounded good to her in the moment. It dawned on her how much she wanted this, how she craved for everything to just, end. She didn't even recall climbing over the railings, her body moving on its own as she hung lifelessly over the edge, seconds away from fallings when suddenly,
"JJ?" Her sunken eyes blinked rapidly as the voice registered in her brain, her head turning around slowly to take in the three figures standing feet away from her in the rain. She wasn't too sure when it had started raining, but her soaked clothes and dripping hair made her realise it must have been some time ago. She blinked again, her brain trying to form words as she stood staring at the blurred-out shadows. Was she hallucinating? "Jen, sweetie, it's Emily." Emily? But how did she find her?
"What are you doing here?" The blondes voice broke as she tried to keep herself composed.
"JJ, you don't want to do this. Come back over here so we can help you." She turned to the man who spoke, the voice registering in her mind as Hotch's.
"Please Jayje, we're so sorry." That was Derek, she was sure of it. But why was he apologising?
"This is all my fault. Everything is my fault." Emily gasped slightly and grabbed Derek's hand, the pair watching JJ's fingers that was loosely hooked over the wet railings. "I am not the agent or friend you all want me to be. You need me to be this amazing agent who compartmentalizes and this friend who you can trust but I can't do that. I feel everything more than I can control and I somehow managed to lie to you all for months and watched as you all thought Emily was dead and now it's my fault the team is falling apart and I'm so sorry." JJ finally broke down, her sobs wrecking her already shaking body, the three watching agonisingly.
"JJ listen to me, you are not a failure. You are one of the best agents I have ever worked with- your feelings are not a weakness, they are a strength. You have overcome so much since we met, and I couldn't be any prouder of you. As for being a friend, you are the best friend any of us could ever dream to have. Nobody blames you for what you did to protect Emily, the team understood that you did what you did to save her life and that without you, we would have buried a full casket, not an empty one. You risked your life for her, and we are all in your debt. I know you're hurting, but we can get you through this together, I just need you to let me help you over the railings. If you die, so does this team and all it's members. Your demise would ruin us all, and that's something I can't see us coming back from." Hotch was now opposite JJ, his hand atop of hers, holding on as much as he could. The blonde was silent as she listened, her eyes not focused on anything as she battled internally with herself. Hotch was genuinely surprised when she gripped his hand back, nodding her head slowly. He didn't hesitate for a moment to lean over and lift his friend back over to safety. Once her feet were on the ground, she finally collapsed into a fit of sobs, Derek being the first to scoop her up into his arms.
"It's going to be okay Jayje, I promise it's all going to be okay." And yet again, JJ believed him, because she knew he would never lie to her. She had some much to overcome but she knew that with Derek and her team by her side, she would eventually be okay again.
I hope you all enjoyed the moderately happy ending and if you want a flash-forward as a second chapter, let me know in the reviews.
Stay cool profilers. I love you all.