A/N: ATTENTION: THIS FIC HAS BEEN EDITED. I read nimblnymph and greyliliy's reviews a long time ago, and I was inspired to rewrite (and repost) this fic just now when I'm finally not on writer's block… I hope the new version is satisfying and funny enough for you! Oh, and please leave a review… Enjoy the story!
"The Future Lies in Your… COOKING SKILLS?"
It was a typical day in the life of our travelers. The Sanzo-ikkou was riding Hakuryu through the vast hot desert in Togenkyou. The sun was up so high and its rays were so hot that even Gojyo and Goku were too tired to bicker with each other. It was only after a few hours that someone decided to break the silence.
"Oh, harahetta…" Goku whined from the back.
"It's too hot…" Gojyo added.
"That's something. I thought ero kappas aren't supposed to get hot." Goku sneered.
"Who are you calling ero kappa?" Gojyo retorted.
"You heard me… Ha! What good does that head of yours serve if it can't house a brain?"
"Just where in the world did you learn that big sentence? Quoting Almighty shitty priest here? Ha, it seems to me that you have too little a brain to even memorize what his almighty here says! " And for a few minutes the two quarreled rather loudly at the back. Sanzo eventually just grasped what Gojyo had said. His vein twitched dangerously. "What did you just call me?"
Our wonderful monk who was sitting up front was really pissed off right this minute. Add two idiots bickering loudly under the scorching heat, and you've got a hot headed monk whose hotheadedness can rival even that of the heat of the sun's rays! At last, after a couple of seconds, our beloved monk finally fired his precious shoreijyu and shouted his trademark.
"SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU, YOU MORONS!!!" And, of course, this bellowing was accompanied with the familiar mighty 'thwacks' from the harisen.
"Yare yare…" the quiet driver said with a laugh…
As his almighty rogue high priest Genjyo Sanzo was thwacking the two idiots in the back to oblivion while standing, the sly quiet kindly driver up front suddenly turned a sharp swerve and stopped short. Sanzo was thrown up front banging his head on the glove compartment, Goku fell out of the jeep and Gojyo was thrown headfirst to the rear, all of them letting out a stream of curses.
"Shit, Hakkai! What did you do that for?"
"Ah, now I'm getting hungrier…"
"Fuck you, Hakkai… Was that absolutely necessary?"
"I'm so sorry you guys, but it seems like there're unexpected guests…"
Surely enough, there was a band of youkais waiting up front to beat up the Sanzo-ikkou. One of them suddenly shouted, "Sanzo party! We have come to take you life and the sutra! However, if you give us the sutra without troubling us, we'll give our master a good word about your little pathetic group and--"
BANG BANG!!!
There were gunshots fired from the gun of our beloved monk and instantly two youkais who were hit were lying dead on the ground beside the speaker. The youkai who spoke a while ago trembled.
"Oi, you fucking morons, stop wasting our time and get lost. We have an assignment to attend to." Sanzo calmly commanded.
This was more than what the youkai could take. "Why you… How dare you insult the strongest band of demons, you filthy lowly human! Take him down!!!"
Instantly Goku and Hakkai stepped in front of Sanzo while he was loading his gun. Hakkai killed 9 with his ki blasts whilst Goku killed 10 with his nyoi-bou. Gojyo had killed 5 with his Shakujo.
"I got 11!" Goku shouted while he struck yet another demon with his nyoi-bou.
"10, 11, 12, 13…." Hakkai began to count while he was firing ki blasts.
"Wimps, you're too slow. I've got 32." Sanzo bragged.
"WHAT?! Balding monks aren't supposed to kill! Isn't it against the law for you guys to terminate any living creature?" Gojyo ranted.
"You're just jealous that I got more than you did."
"Why you…"
"Guys, look out!" But Hakkai's warning came in too late. Before Sanzo and Gojyo could even absorb what he said, the two were struck unconscious by some powerful force that came out of nowhere. Both fell to the ground, narrowly missing contact with each other's body.
"Ah, yare yare…" Hakkai just said while shaking his head and going back to kill more demons.
A few moments later, Hakkai was still hitting too many youkais that he began to wonder where they were all coming from. Just as he was recovering from a stab that he got from one of the demon's long nails, he was also suddenly struck unconscious by the same force that the other two received.
"Ha-Hakkai!" Goku shouted. The monkey was now left alone to fight the seemingly bottomless band of youkais…
Not long after, Goku was struck unconscious as well, and they were all brought to a horrible secluded place against their will.
When the Sanzo-ikkou woke up, they found themselves in a rather awkward position. As Goku was left baffled with mouth hanging open and Hakkai was working on his bond, a horrible looking and stupid demon entered the room.
The demon saw Hakkai. "That's not going to work," he said, "coz I put a special magical bond that will not be affected by kis, nyoi-bous, shoreijyus, sutras, or shakujos!" (Okay, maybe not that stupid…)
The Sanzo-ikkou was shocked. No demon they had met before had recited the names of their weapons perfectly! "How did you know the names of our weapons?" Gojyo asked, perplexed.
"Research, of course... You know what, Mr. Half breed," the youkai continued, "In order to survive in this world, you must have the brains to think of your way out of trouble. In my case, since I've heard so much of your victories against large bands of youkais all around Togenkyou, I decided that I must resort to a different way in order to have you begging at my knees for your life. I just can't use the normal tactics they use… I decided that I must study witchcraft and magic blablabla…" The demon continued to brag on and on about his 'oh-so-great' ideas that Goku fell asleep, Gojyo was having perverted thoughts, Sanzo was fiddling with his feet out of boredom and Hakkai was… smiling. Finally when he finished, Goku woke up and began to swear at the demon.
"LET US GO, YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!!!!" Goku bellowed.
"Ha! You think I'd let you go off that easily? You'll have to do something for me first…"
"Okay, what?"
"I want you to… cook for me. I admit, all these thinking left me hungry for days, so…"
The demon was interrupted by howls of laughter coming from the Sanzo-ikkou… minus the Sanzo.
"You want us to -hahaha- cook -hahaha- for you???" Goku howled with laughter.
"Can't you -hahaha- think of -hahaha- anything more -hahaha- challenging?" Gojyo asked, tears coming from his eyes.
"Now, now, guys, -hahaha- please don't be -hahaha- rude…" Hakkai pleaded, snickering very loudly while banging his fist on the table. (If he can, though… He's all tied up!)
The demon was angered. "You want me to give you something much more challenging? Ha! You seem to be ignoring my gratitude!"
"Oh no, forgive us Mr. Demon, we didn't mean to… In any case, I'll cook for you…" Hakkai offered.
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm a good cook. You're not expecting on choosing SOMEONE else, are you?"
"In fact, I was… I choose you." The demon said while pointing to the half breed of the group.
"HIM?" The three cried nervously in unison.
"Yes, HIM…"
"Oh well you guys, I guess it can't be helped. Ummmm, can you at least untie me?" Gojyo asked.
"Oh, right! Sure…"
"Ah, great, we're dead…" Sanzo said as if it was the end of the world.
"Gojyo, please try to remember what I… taught you… Well, kind of…" Hakkai said sullenly.
-Flashback-
"Okay, then put this, and that, and a little bit of that…" Hakkai instructed. He and Gojyo were currently in the kitchen. He was teaching Gojyo how to cook, since he discovered what a terrible cook Gojyo was because of the incident the other day: Gojyo put all that is in the refrigerator in one big pan and cooked it, and it turned out to be absolutely horrible that when Gojyo took it out to the trash, the whole neighborhood ran away and moved out (Not literally, but, you get the picture…)!
"Ah-ha…" Gojyo wasn't really participating; he was just thinking of perverted thoughts, but for the sake of his best friend and his life he's doing this: Hakkai's not really pleasant when he's deeply offended.
"Gojyo, are you listening?" Hakkai asked kindly but with a hint of threatening in his voice.
Gojyo was snapped out of his perverted reverie. "Umm… Yeah?"
"Gojyo…"
"Okay, I admit, no I wasn't listening. Come on, 'Kai, I can't learn all these stuff, I'm just not cut out for cooking… Just leave it alone and cook for us. Okay?" Gojyo smiled sweetly while putting an arm around his best friend's broad shoulders.
"Ugh… Sure, whatever." Hakkai replied. And here I was hoping I'm going to be finally relieved of at least one task. -sigh- he thought.
-End Flashback-
"Uh-oh… I guess now's the time when cooking's useful…" Gojyo said, gulping.
"Okay then, Mr. Half Breed, please come this way and start cooking!"
"Oh no, all the good food's gonna be wasted…" Goku groaned.
"Come on monkey, have faith!" Gojyo said, winking, while disappearing behind the kitchen doors.
Once Gojyo's inside the kitchen, he marveled at the sight before him: All the ingredients he could ever think of were displayed in the kitchen, raw pork, beef, chicken and fish were hung everywhere: giving the room an awful smell, there were a variety of spices, pasta noodles, and lots of other ingredients. Once again our poor Gojyo tried to stifle a gulp at the sight before him.
As the demon left him alone, he began to think of what he's gonna do first. He grabbed a knife, slashed the beef hanging on one side of the room, slashed the pork and chicken on the other side, and took the skin and gills off the fish (At least!). He proceeded to boil water, added pasta noodles to it without even bothering to let the water heat, got another frying pan, tossed the beef and fish in it, and got another pan going and tossed the chicken and pork in it. As these ingredients were cooking, he looked over at the spices section: There were catsup, Worcestershire sauce, oyster sauce, soy sauce, vinegar, hoisin sauce, crushed basil, crushed oregano, salt, sugar, pepper, cayenne pepper, Tabasco sauce, rosemary leaves, cinnamon powder, and some other ingredients that he had no idea about. These were some of the spices that Hakkai usually used, so he was somehow familiar with it.
Seeing as the beef and fish, chicken and pork, and pasta were already cooked, he proceeded to put the different sauces in each of the foods he was cooking. He put a bottle (literally) of catsup, oyster sauce, cayenne pepper, rosemary leaves and a pinch of cinnamon in the beef and fish, he placed a bottle (literally) of Worcestershire sauce, hoisin sauce, crushed basil and oregano, sugar, pepper, and Tabasco sauce in the chicken and pork, and finally, he put a bottle (literally, duh!) of soy sauce, vinegar, and salt in the pasta noodles. This done, he began to put the ingredients together in one big pan and heat it. He also put another one of those strange looking powders in the demon's collections that he didn't know about, just to experiment with it. It turned out to be really horrible looking and smelling! (I mean, duh, who would put a bottle of everything in a dish? And who would put a bottle of vinegar and soy sauce on pasta noodles?)
He scooped out a few spoonfuls of the 'gooey thingy' and placed some on a small plate. He went out of the kitchen and presented the dish.
"TADAA! My specialty, everything in the fridge, is now done!" Gojyo said, finally emerging from the kitchen and presented the plate of food.
"Umm… It smells… horrible." The demon said. Oh well, I guess it's just in the smell… I don't think it'll do me any harm to try it… I guess. Here goes nothing! He thought.
As the demon shoved some of the food into his mouth, he suddenly turned blue and choked. "BLECH! ARGH! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS CRAP???!!!" The demon bellowed.
"I just told you. It's EVERYTHING in the fridge!"
"Argh! Get out of here! I can cook for myself! I don't wanna see you guys again!" And with that he released and drove the Sanzo-ikkou out of his place and slammed the door shut.
Outside, the Sanzo-ikkou were standing, perplexed. For a moment, no one said anything. Then Hakkai noticed one thing.
"Sanzo, is that the real sutra on your shoulders?" He suddenly asked
"Yeah, why? What are you… Oh." Sanzo said, getting what his friend… I mean, servant, meant.
"Oh…. Hahahaha!" Gojyo began to laugh.
"What? I don't get it… Hey Hakkai, explain it to me…" The monkey asked, still bewildered by his friends' reactions.
"Goku, all of the demons are after Sanzo's sutra, right?"
"Yeah… so?"
"Stupid monkey… don't bother 'Kai, he'll never get it!"
"Gojyo…" Hakkai gave him a threatening glare which made him quiet. He then turned to Goku. "Well, the fact that the demon did not get Sanzo's sutra at all is strange. I mean, if you were half listening to all his bragging a while ago, he said that he was glad that he can finally have the sutra, he even bragged how he managed to grasp it! So don't you think it's kind of strange that before throwing us out, he didn't even seize the sutra first or something?"
"Oh, I get it… Maybe he was too stupid, or maybe Gojyo's cooking wiped out whatever brain he has left!"
"You'll never know, Goku… you'll never know…" Gojyo replied with a sly smirk and a wink.
Hakkai took one look at his best friend's face and he knew what happened. "Oh well… If I were you guys, I wouldn't worry about him."
"Yeah…." With that discussion done, they trudged back to Hakuryu (They found him safely parked by the two tall oak trees towering above the mountain) and continued to their journey to the west.
Meanwhile, the demon, who was in his kitchen cooking a decent meal, was wondering what he was forgetting.
"Hmmm… I have a bad feeling that I forgot something from those guys…"
As he was eating, he noticed a strange bottle that he doesn't remember being in his collection of spices. It was a strange bottle with some strange writing on it.
"Oh yeah, this was a gift from Ni Jen Yi. What was that called again? Oh, it was called, 'Escape Potion'. A person puts it in the food and makes the victim forget some relevant detail and allows the person to… Oh fuck." The stupid demon suddenly remembered.
A sharp scream was heard from the cottage.
"THE SUTRA!!!"
But by this time the ikkou was very far away, and it was impossible to reach them.
That is how Gojyo's stupidity (Not knowing what the powder- or rather, maybe he knows cause that's why he was smirking- that he put in the food was.) and 'great' cooking skills saved the day.
-The End-
A/N: so how did you like the new version, guys? Please be kind and leave a review! Thanks!