Disclaimer: Voyager is property of Paramount, obviously.

Better Without You

This story takes place after End Game and contains adult topics and probably bad language, so please stop reading now if you're of a sensitive nature as I don't want any complaints.

For all the JC fans, yes, this is a Janeway/Chakotay relationship fic, and I might put in a little JP as well, but I'll see how it goes. I've already finished writing the first part of this story, I'm just tinkering with it and will put the chapters up when I'm happy with them and if there's a good enough response to keep me writing, so please review, you'd be amazed at how much helps.

This is not a light hearted story, but hopefully it should have a happy-ish ending. One assumption that I've made, is that Janeway and Chakotay did engage in a brief affair during and a while after new Earth, it's not crucial to the plot, but I've made some subtle references to it. One final thing is that this story jumps 'intertemporally', by this I mean to warn that it will jump one, two, five years ahead, and then it will go back again to explain everything that has happened in-between. I've tried to make it clear where necessary of the point in time I'm writing from in relation to Voyager's return to Earth, so please take care to read the top of each section so that you don't get lost. And if you do get lost, then it should be all the more fun  Enjoy.

Chapter 1: If I didn't know you better

From her ready room view port Kathryn watched as the blue planet spun below, one world disappeared off the horizon to her right whilst another land mass started to appear on the left. The station orbited in a movement counter to that of the planet, so the Earth appeared to spin faster than it actually was, in fact if she stood watching for exactly twelve hours she would have been able to examine every face of the Earth's surface.

They had been back in the alpha quadrant for less than two days now, but somehow the delta quadrant felt both a lifetime ago and also as if she still hadn't quite left. She heard the doors behind her slide open, but she was so transfixed by the sight of the planet that the thought someone had entered her sanctuary didn't quite register. The feel of his hand on her shoulder, although surprising was grounding and comforting as she realised it was Chakotay, and instinctively she moved her hand to cover his.

"Well, you did it," he softly interrupted her thoughts.

A lump caught in her throat at his words as they conjured the memories of all they had endured in those years together. She closed her eyes briefly, willing herself to stay into control, to not dwell on the bad times and the lives that had been lost along the way, but to concentrate on all they had accomplished and achieved and to be thankful that so many of them had returned in one piece. "We did it," she corrected him, "I couldn't have done this without you."

"You could have," his voice was solemn, "you're so stubborn; once you'd set your mind to getting this crew home you wouldn't have it any other way."

She could hear the smile in his voice, but couldn't summon herself to share in his light mood, "Chakotay, I'm worried about the maquis crew… about you," she released his hand and turned to him, "Starfleet are being very tight lipped about what will happen to you all when we return to Earth."

"Kathryn, I think if they wanted us in jail they would have locked us up already," he reassured her, a smile still evident upon his face, "it'll be fine."

Nodding absently she returned her gaze to the blue and green globe below them, "I know," she sighed, "and admiral Paris has assured me that all of the charges against you will be dropped in the next couple of days…" she trailed off.

"But you're not going to be able to relax until they've made it official," he filled in for her; sometimes it annoyed her that he knew her so well.

They slipped into a comfortable silence, both deep in their own thoughts but at the same time knowing exactly what the other was thinking. "Captain Janeway," her combadge activated to ensign Kim's voice, "we're ready for you."

"I'm on my way," she replied her voice giving away no sign of her current emotional turmoil. Letting out a long breath Kathryn turned to look up at her first officer.

Sensing her apprehension about the coming speech she was to give to their crew in the shuttle bay the commander offered her a reassuring smile. Absently she placed a hand against his chest as a gesture to thank him for his support, and then she lead the way from her ready room.

V

Six months later

Chakotay ran up the stone steps of the tidily manicured park just outside of Starfleet's main office in San Francisco. The late afternoon air was cool and burnt his lungs as he gasped desperately from oxygen deprivation and moved onto the grass bank by the lake, the ground beneath him cushioning his every footfall. This was the same circuit he had run almost every evening for the past couple of months, but this time as he ran it everything seemed in slightly more focus than it had any other time. The air felt fresher, the grass greener, he heard the calling of every bird and noticed almost every animal that rustled about him. He knew why; the next morning he was scheduled to take a short transport to the next ship he would be serving as first officer aboard, and he knew he wouldn't be back for at least another four months.

His calf muscles were agony as he sprinted the last stretch to his San Franciscan home and his shoulders felt heavy with the weight of his own arms. He stopped by the porch and rested against the iron railings as he caught his breath and searched the pockets of his shorts for his keys. His clammy skin shivered with heightened sensitivity as a gentle breeze brushed up against his body, and he was grateful to locate the archaic piece of metal in the bottom of his right pocket.

As he let himself into the house he was quick to notice her jacket hanging up on the coat rack, frowning he glanced up at the grandfather clock in the corner of the hallway to see that it wasn't even five and his confusion increased. "Kathryn," he called out, carefully balancing himself on one leg as he pulled off his trainers.

"I'm in the lounge," he heard a soft reply.

He made his way across the hallway to the source of her voice to find her sat on the sofa a padd in one hand and cup of tea in the other. "You're back early," he noted.

She arched an eyebrow as she turned to face him, resting the padd on the table in front of her as she did so. "It's you're last evening here before you leave for the Orion," she explained, "I thought it would be good for us to spend some time together."

Chakotay nodded, "well, I've made dinner reservations for half eight so what did you want to do until then?"

A question like that several years ago would have been accompanied by a playful smirk from her first officer and she would have flirted in kind. The fact that they still hadn't found that spark from their early relationship did not go unnoticed by either of them. "I was hoping we could talk," she confessed.

He studied her a short moment, she looked nervous, but unable to ascertain why he considered that maybe he was imagining it. "Sure," he said, moving to sit in the armchair across from her, "what did you want to talk about?"

"About my visiting you on the Orion next month… I won't be coming."

Chakotay shot her an annoyed expression, "Kathryn, the Orion will be leaving federation space for the final three months of the assignment, if you don't come then, we won't get the chance to see each other for the next four months."

"I know…" she averted his gaze.

"Just reschedule whatever it is Starfleet has planned for you to do… for heavens sake you're an admiral now Kathryn!" He felt exasperated; ever since her promotion to admiral her work had become ever increasingly invasive into their private lives. She rarely returned to their house before seven in the evening, every other weekend she would be too busy to spend any meaningful time with him, and he felt like she was constantly attending one banquet or another, often not returning until after he had gone to bed.

"It's not work," she said quickly.

He frowned, his initial anger faltering in uncertainty, "then what?"

She hesitated and he felt his stomach muscles knot as she wrung her hands and he instantly realised what she was about to do. "This isn't working Chakotay," she said, feeling slightly detached from the room she was sitting in, disbelief of what she was actually doing. Watching the hurt flash across his eyes was bad enough, but when he turned away from her she felt as though she might break… somehow she managed to find the strength to continue. "I think we turned to each other when we returned because we were both under the same illusion that we were meant to be together, and maybe we were once, but so much has happened since then I think we've lost whatever it was that we had," she explained sadly. "We still can't shake the distance that I spent five years forcing between us; we've both known this hasn't been right for a while, but we were so determined to make this work that we ignored it. I don't think either of us can say we're happy right now and we should both accept that your assignment on the Orion is just an excuse for us to take a break from one another and end it now before it goes any further."

She finished and looked across at him expectantly, but was confronted only with silence. Reaching across she placed a hand on his knee, willing him to look up at her so that she could gauge his reaction and she would know how to continue. "Please say something," her voice was barely a whisper.

When he finally looked up to meet her gaze he saw tears forming in her eyes, he would have thought there would be tears in his too, except that with so many emotions playing with him at that moment he wasn't sure how to feel. "Is there someone else?"

The question threw her for a moment, and caused her a moment's hesitation. "No," she shook her head, giving his knee a small squeeze.

"I don't understand," his voice displayed his frustration, "Kathryn, we can work on this… we've waited too long, and fought too hard to just give up now."

Kathryn sighed, she had known he would protest, had prepared for his every argument against their separation and although she knew she was soon going to make it much harder for him to leave, she knew it was the right thing for them to do. "We probably could keep going Chakotay, maybe for a few months, a few years, but it would be a fight all the way and even then, eventually we would lose. We would end up hating and resenting each other. At least if we quit now we can salvage what's left of our friendship."

"I don't want friendship Kathryn," he insisted, "I accepted it aboard Voyager because I knew it was all you could give me, but that can't be enough for me now, not now we're back on Earth and there is no protocol, or crew, or delta quadrant to keep us apart. I want you…" he reached out and tenderly cupped her cheek, "I don't want this to end."

The feel of his skin against hers sent shivers down her spine, and she hated that he still had that effect on her. Reluctantly she reached up and took his hand in her own, gripping it loosely as she pulled it from her face, she swallowed past the lump in her throat, "please don't make this harder than it already is."

"Tell me that you don't love me," he said, knowing he was doing just the opposite of her request.

She met his gaze, and despite the pain it caused her to do so she held it steadily. "This isn't about love. This is about how I've become so dependant on you over that last seven years that I no longer want you, I need you… it shouldn't be this way."

Pulling his hand out sharply from her grasp he leant back in the armchair he was sat and let out a sharp long breath, but he didn't say anything. She waited patiently for him to talk to her, to let her know what was going on behind the face that had become a mask; she knew he was upset, angry, disappointed, maybe even surprised, but she wasn't sure which feeling was more dominant and which he would first verbalise. "There's more," she said, now knowing she was breaking into unchartered waters because she had no idea how he would respond to what she would say next. "I'm pregnant."

His heart stopped. He sought her face as his mind reran over her words to confirm that he hadn't misheard; he hadn't. Never before had he seen his former captain look so uncertain, so scared… so fragile. The full meaning of her words were still a blur to him; he was going to be a father… right? He reconsidered everything she had already said to him, there was no other man so the child had to be his, but he couldn't understand why then she would be ending their relationship. "Are you not keeping-"

"No, I am," she cut him off quickly, horrified that he could even think she would do such a thing… then again, she had done worse by him.

"Then I don't understand why you're doing this Kathryn, surely now you need more than ever to support you through this, to help you raise this child?" Even as he said the words and he saw her lips part to make a response he suddenly knew exactly why she was breaking up with him now of all times.

"You're right: I will need you, I do need you, but not like this; I feel suffocated by our relationship as it is, and we're only going to tear each other apart if we continue. I can't bring someone else into the middle of a failing relationship, someone else to get hurt."

Deflated and exhausted from the emotional upheaval this conversation was creating he leant forwards and covered his face with his hands; she was right. On their return to Earth they had quickly become intimate (despite his initial involvement with Seven), he had felt a rush to make up on the time they had lost and he realised now that maybe he had been pushing her too far too quickly. He had suggested they start a family after only a couple of months and she had been reluctant to consider it, he had proposed to her shortly after that, but she had turned him down. After the debriefing period he had asked that they move in together, and it was with great hesitation and much persuasion that she had agreed.

"You can't expect me to walk out on my child," he said quietly, his face still buried in his hands.

"I'm not asking you to," she assured him, "you can be as involved as you want to be."

"I just can't be with you," he looked up to meet her gaze, "it was difficult enough aboard Voyager, I don't think I can do that now."

"We'll have to find a way, I want this baby to know its father, to know you."

Unexpectedly Chakotay stood, unsure he could hear any more. He had always imagined starting a family with Kathryn when they returned to Earth, but he had never anticipated that she might not want all the same things as he did. Hurt and confused he made his way from the lounge, "I can't do this," he mumbled as he left.

"Chakotay," she called out, but it wasn't until she heard him climbing the stairs that she got up to follow him. She found him in their bedroom zipping up the bag he had been packing before his run. "What are you doing?" she demanded as she watched him from the doorway.

"I'm leaving," he replied angrily, "I thought that was what you wanted."

"Not like this," she insisted, watching helplessly as he lifted the bag from the bed and chucked it next to another bag he had packed.

"Then how did you want it Kathryn?" he raised his voice, "I have given you everything for the past seven and a half years. I have tried everything to make this work. But you have resisted this every chance we've had, you have pushed me away, used me and hurt me more times than I care to remember. If you don't want me, fine, then I'll leave. Just don't expect me to come back this time."

"What about the baby?"

"Have it," he flicked away her question with a small movement from his hand, "it's yours," he said, as if he were offering that she keep any inanimate object they had brought together.

Up until that point Kathryn had remained carefully in control, but his final comment fuelled a fire that had slowly been smouldering inside of her since she had discovered the pregnancy some two weeks previously. "This pregnancy is your fault," she accused, struggling to control the anger that now bubbled inside of her.

"How do you figure that one out?" he asked, placing his hands on his hips.

"You neutralised your booster without telling me," she explained, her tone indicating the full extent of her hatred towards him at that moment.

Chakotay frowned, "yes, after we agreed to start trying for a baby months ago."

"We talked about it, but I never agreed to anything," she argued back.

Knowing himself that maybe he had been a little covert in what he had done he decided not to pursue this particular argument trend, "there was nothing stopping you from renewing your contraceptives?"

"I thought you were up to date."

He shrugged, "well it's done now."

She felt like slapping him, she knew if she was the same woman as twenty years ago she probably would have snapped by now, but her long established Starfleet training kicked in and she forced herself to stay in control. "You did this in the hope that you could trap me into being with you."

Chakotay paused as he finally dared to meet her angry glare, considering if there was any truth to her words. Maybe she was right, maybe a part of him had been afraid their relationship would fail, that he had wanted a family with her simply to ensure that she wouldn't leave him after the debriefings had finished. He closed his eyes, wondering if she was right, that this was just an ambush that had gone terribly wrong. "No Kathryn," he said at last, his voice low and heavy, "I wanted a family with you because I love you, because I wanted to share that love with someone else, someone that was a part of both of us. If I can't have you…" he shook his head from the many thoughts that were racing through his mind and reached out to grab one of his bags. "I need some time. I can't be here right now," he explained as he pulled the shoulder strap of his bag over his left shoulder and lifted the other with his opposite hand.

"Where are you going?" she demanded, still too angry to notice his change in demeanour and process his words.

"I'll stay in a hotel for the night," he said closing the gap between them as he made his way over to the door, "my transport leaves at eight tomorrow morning."

"Chakotay…" she placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks as he walked past her.

He turned to her, and studied her face. Later he would reflect on this moment and realise there was both sadness and fear held within her eyes, and he would understand that it had been a difficult decision for her to make, however, that time wasn't now. When he saw her he was unable to look past the woman who had just broken his heart and taken his dreams out from under his feet without warning, and he wanted nothing more than to get out of there before she could damage him further.

Kathryn opened her mouth to say something, anything to console him and prevent him from leaving, but when nothing came she closed her mouth and glanced away, allowing her hand to drop from his shoulder.

He lingered only a moment before he continued past her and down the stairs of their home. The second she heard him reach the last step of the stair case she slumped against the door frame, finding herself frozen until she heard the front door open and then close. It was only when he had finally left that she allowed her emotions to take hold of her; the tears that had been threatening her eyes started to stream down her face and she slumped further against the door frame to sit on the floor, crying not for him or what they had lost, but for the terrible feeling that she may never see him again.

-

Okay, so what did you think? Shall I continue?