So, this fic has been sitting on my files for a pretty long while now (a year maybe), practically collecting dust. And I decided to just, ya know, upload it just for the heck of it. This is pretty shitty, like the rest of my fics (in my own opinion) but oh well.
"Cheers!"
An enthusiastic chorus of cheers responded at a drunken Midori, who was sluggishly holding her beer. Her left arm slung at my shoulders. We, meaning the 'HiME Rangers' and the other guys, are currently having another night out here at a relatively large karaoke room.
It's been a month since the infamous Carnival and we're all trying our best to heal the wounds. Hanging out more often than not this spring break to reconcile our differences and 'to bond and forge camaraderie' as Midori would put it.
As for me, I'm trying to figure my life out step by step while juggling my summer classes so I won't have to repeat a year. Now that everything is over, inculding my vendetta, that backfired right at my face but whatever I'm over it (well I mean I'm trying to), I now got the opportunity that was always there. I started to look and notice the things around me. Things and places I never really got to appreciate back then. Persons that I took for granted without noticing.
Shizuru.
I look to my far left and see her having a conversation with Mai and Yukino.
If there was one thing that the Carnival taught me, it is that you should never let an opportunity to appreciate the people who really care about you pass. Especially if you care about them too. Don't fucking take them for granted because you'll never know when they'll leave. Or die.
Or worse,
die because of you.
And sometimes, they may even go to such heights that they will kill for you.
I've been thinking of Shizuru lately.
I've been thinking of her more than I'd like to admit.
At first yes, I was having second thoughts and overthinking about her and me, about...us. I mean, I wouldn't be Natsuki Kuga if I didn't. So I contemplated and tried my hardest and best to understand us. To understand what could be of us. I didn't want to just decide on something just for the sake of deciding. Specially if it involves Shizuru Fujino. I wouldn't half-ass anything when it comes to her.
She's my most important person, after all.
So after nights and nights of thinking about her, which is really not that hard cause she actually never left my mind ever since what happened, I was now sure.
More sure than I've ever been, that I want her. I want her near me. I want her with me. I want her always next to me.
I want her.
No.
I love her.
But,
Yes sadly there will always be buts because such is life, there's a problem. I have a feeling, a large feeling that she's avoiding me. I was tempted to just barge in on her, and I totally would have if it weren't for my summer classes that kept me busy as fuck, because why the hell is she avoiding me all of a sudden?
Everytime I try to approach her she would often have excuses, and sometimes the lamest excuses I tell you, to stay away from me.
And it hurt.
It hurt at first but now I'm just pretty much pissed because, who was the obsessed one, again?
Fuck.
"I have to go." Shizuru's voice pulls me off of my inner thoughts.
A series of groan of disapprovals, some drunken groans, echoed back at her.
"The night is still young Shizuru! Give your Kaichou self some slack!" Midoro, yet again drunkenly exclaims. Again, another chorus of agreement to the drunken teacher rang out.
Shizuru just chuckles demurely and smiles apologetically. "Kannin na. But I really have to go, I'm afraid my parents wouldn't be so thrilled to see me hungover when they pay me a visit tomorrow."
"Oooh. I would pay to see the Fujinos." Chie says. "I mean, what kind of parents would it take to make an offspring as hot as Kaichou-san." The tomboy grins and I quickly throw her a glare that she didn't see, as the others laugh at Chie.
"Well, I guess it can't be helped then." Mai stands up. "Goodbye Shizuru-san. Take care on your way back." She hugs the ex-Kaichou who hugs her back and soon enough everybody's bidding their goodbyes.
"Wait! I'll walk you home." I quickly stand up and grab my jacket.
I feel everybody's eyes on me and I vaguely saw some of them throw a sly smile my way.
Shizuru turns to me and fakes a smile. "Natsuki doesn't have to. I'll be fine."
"I want to."
Her smile falters a bit. "I'm sure Natsuki would like it more if she stays here."
"I'd rather walk you home. Don't be so difficult Shizuru." I walk my way across the messy floor to get to the brunette.
"Woohoo! Go get it Nat-chan!" Midori cheers and I try my best not to get flustered too much at the other words of encouragement coming from the gang. I take a quick glance at the honey-haired brunette and see a faint redness on her cheeks.
Well, well.
Since Shizuru has no escape from me now, she quickly arranges herself and smiles one last time at the group before walking out the door. I follow her out, but not before hearing Nao shout, "Make sure to use protection Kuga!" followed by a series of laughter from inside the room.
I sigh as I close the door shut. I turn to Shizuru to find her looking vaguely at me. I was waiting for her to start walking so she could lead the way but no. She seems to be waiting for me too. Waiting exactly for what? I don't know. So I just look back at her expectantly.
"Ara, is Natsuki waiting for me to do something? Perhaps strip for her?"
"W-what?! No! Of course not..! I was waiting for you to start walking." I look down as a blush rises from my face.
"Hm? Are we not gonna use your bike?" Shizuru drops the use of 'Natsuki', which either means she is completely caught off guard, or she is straight out serious or clearly pissed. I'm leaning more on the former.
"Uh, I thought we were gonna walk. I did say I'd walk you, right?" I take a step closer to her. "I mean, unless you'd prefer a ride, of course. We could use my bike if you're tired, Shizuru."
She looks back at me but quickly moves her gaze away, and she seems to be thinking over my words. After a moment, she looks back at me. "We can walk. It's fine." Then she quickly starts walking.
I hastily follow the brunette.
We were passing by a deserted road, since it is in the middle of the night, surrounded by sakura trees on our right side and a river on the left. I feel a breeze pass by but I couldn't tell if it was cold or what since I'm wearing my not-so-thin grey jumper. But based on Shizuru's evident shiver, I concur it's a pretty cold breeze. She's wearing a thin-strapped blouse over a black lace tank top. I quickly lift my left arm to hand her my dark suede jacket, and for a moment she looks at it then looks at my eyes, then back at my offered jacket.
"Damnit, just take it Shizuru." I tell her with a hint of exasperation on my more husky than usual voice.
"...Ookini." She grabs the jacket and drapes it over her slim shoulders. I admit, I was tempted at the last minute to just take the jacket and drape it on her myself.
We continue our walk and I don't wanna be awkward anymore so I started talking. "So...your parents coming in tomorrow huh?"
She nods. "They wanted to help me determine the things on my dorm. Things that I would take and leave for when I transfer for college."
I nod at that. "Where would you attend?"
She glances at me in the corner of her eyes. "I applied at Fuuka, Kyoto and Tokyo."
"Oh, that's...plenty."
She nods. Then pauses before she talks. "I got accepted at all three of them."
I falter on my steps. "...oh." I take a moment before asking her again. "Where...which university did you choose?"
Shizuru sighs. "I haven't chosen which one yet. But..." She turns and looks at me. "...I think It would be best if I attend Kyoto or Tokyo."
...and not in Fuuka, where you're at. Were the unspoken words that we both knew was there.
She's looking ahead so she doesn't notice that I stopped walking. She was a couple of steps ahead when I exclaim, "Why are you avoiding me?"
She stops on her feet. "Natsuki should know the answer to that."
"Well, I don't!" I take a step forward. "So Shizuru, tell me why?"
She faces me. "Natsuki should know the answer to that, but as I knew, she doesn't." She looked blank. "Since Natsuki is so dense, as they come."
"Shizuru..." She wasn't mad, that I could clearly tell. She was just...sad? Tired? I don't know.
"Natsuki, you and I both know that these...these feelings I have for you isn't normal." Shizuru looks at me with her brows furrowed.
Oh shit. It's happening.
We're gonna talk about the thing we never talk about. The moment of truth, as dramatics would put it.
I want, more than anything, to say and think that I'm ready for this. That I'm ready to face head on this emotional tornado we are seconds in divulging, because, like I said, I love her. That pretty much means, I'd do anything for her.
But what the mind wants, is not always what the heart does too. I feel unprepared, deep down. I feel scared shitless of what's about to come. Despite saying and thinking that I'm ready, the uneasiness is large inside. I love her, I really do. But I'm not used to this, okay? Talks of feelings isn't exactly my forte.
"I... I can't help but take every small act of kindness from you as something more than it actually is." She continues.
It hurts.
She looks so damn sad, and it hurts. It's a far cry from the usual always-so-put-together Fujino Shizuru. I take an unconscious step towards her. But she's already turning her head to the side.
For a pretty long moment, we both look and take the time to appreciate the glorious view of the moon reflecting in the riverside. It almost feels like we weren't having this talk. Almost seems like we were just enjoying a walk at midnight to witness the full moon.
Almost.
"It's kind of ironic." The silence was shattered as she suddenly spoke, still watching the moon's reflection as it danced with the waves of the river. "Just before the festival, the last class I had was social studies." I'm watching her and up until now, I can't fathom how someone so aesthetically perfect be attracted to me. "We were on the topic of the seven stages of grief, and before we knew it the whole class was on a heated debate in which was the most painful thing." I watched as her red eyes turned just a bit clearer. "And at the end, everybody agreed that it was love." She gave out a breathy humorless laugh. She sounded so small. "Of course, it would be love." Then, she continues and the slightest crack in her voice makes me wanna punch myself in the face cause stop it Shizuru, don't be sad anymore. Please. "Then everybody was arguing again about which would hurt the most." Shizuru removes her gaze on the side and turns it on the ground. "Some said it was waiting. But the others argued it was more painful in forgetting." Then she finally faces me and my heart wrenches and breaks oh so fucking painfully as I see the infallible Shizuru Fujino, with her mask wholly shattered, crying softly at me.
Shizuru...
"But Natsuki...I don't think there's anything more painful than not knowing whether to wait or forget." She bows her head as her shoulders start to shake from crying. "It's so hard Natsuki, just to be around you." She sobs. "I'm so torn between dying and feeling alive whenever you're near."
She sobs.
She sobs.
She sobs.
All because of me,
Fuck, I wanna fucking punch something, anything!
I quickly take the steps to get to Shizuru, and I collect her in my arms tightly. She resists and tries to break free from me but I don't let her.
I don't let her.
I don't let her.
I don't let her.
She continues on struggling, while crying until she's punching me on my chest, my shoulders, my heart.
But I don't let her go.
She keeps on punching until her actions get weak and she ends up bunching the front of my jumper in her delicate hands tighly and cries harder on my chest.
And that's when I let a tear fall on my face. Just one tear. I can't let myself drop another because I have to be strong. I have to,
For her,
For me,
For us.
After a few moments of us staying close like this, Shizuru's cries finally dies down, but there were a few sniffles here and there.
"Natsuki..." She says softly, still burrowed in my chest. "I can't wait anymore, because I'm tired.
"I don't wanna get hurt any more than I already have, that's why I have to, really have to stop hoping..."
"Shizuru," Its pathetic, really. How I can only say her name in times like these. God, I'm so useless. Why am I so useless?
I try to get her to face me but she doesn't let me. She just holds onto my shirt more tightly.
She speaks again, more softly than ever before. "So I'll try to move on...but I'll do it slowly,"
She lays her head more firmly on my chest, "because maybe..."
Her ear placed exactly where my heart is. "Just maybe...you'll still catch up to me."
*gasps* Cliffhanger.
If you haven't read the summary, well I'll tell you again: This is a two-shot.
Reviews, puhlease. I need reviews omg can't you see I'm being desperate here?! Lol.
Seriously. REVIEWS O.o