Hi! This is my first fanfiction and English is not my first language, please don't be too harsh with me. I'd like feedbacks, so leave me some reviews! :D
If you'd like to give me a chance, please read more than a chapter :) (the part I like most begins at Chapter 5 *-*)

"Stay here tonight". Her voice was like a whisper.

Piper was standing in front of Alex, staring at the opposite wall, astonished by those words.

The blond had came because Alex asked her, for the fifth anniversary of her mother's death: but actually she had done it also other years since that day, just for "humanity", saying to Alex that she just wanted to visit the grave.

But this year everything was different; Alex was darker, blurred by drugs, alcohol and pain. She had lost everything in a few seconds. All her life until that moment was clear in her mind: when her mother died, her girlfriend left her. She had nothing. For a while, memories, photos and business did work, but after she started to feel too much depressed and her boss "fired her", if you can say that for a drug-dealer, because she was inefficient and useless.

With nothing to do, no day passed without Alex hoping to see the sun go down, but soon she started making the light turn off with sleeping pills. She used them so much that she never felt totally sober and she rarely was able to stay up, so she always lay in bed into the darkness, in her vortex of pain, taking one pill after other.

After two months some of her friends came to visit her, but nobody dared to enter in the house because of the mess, the stink, the smoke and the darkness that made it look like a black hole; neither they approached Alex, because she pushed all them away, since she didn't want to be seen in that condition. Other efforts, other attempts, but no results. Alex became totally alone and fell again onto pills.

But then she showed up. Piper. Her Piper. One day she just came to her house. She said she was there only to ask something, since Alex's phone number had changed and she was unreachable. Yeah, what did she think? That Piper would come back for her? Because she still loved her? For guilt? No, she left her once, exactly when she was drowning, it wasn't difficult to leave her again. Piper said she wanted to visit Alex's mother at but she didn't know the way "Oh, great, you show up after ages and all you tell me is to show you the way to the cemetery? Go to hell.." Piper tried to say something, but the brunette explained the way and all ended up there.

But the next year Piper was there again, at her door, this time asking if she also needed something. Alex shut the door up on her face: "Certainly I need nothing from you. Fuck, asshole!" then she heard her steps going outside.

Seeing once more that girl tore up an old wound and Alex started healing herself. Bitches and alcohol were the only way to survive. The body pleasure overwhelmed everything and Alex started to feel better. But inside her something began to grow up. She wanted to see once more those eyes. Those blue eyes that once were always searching for her.

She started going out with a young girl, F.: she was pretty. The sex was amazing, but after it, every night those eyes appeared in her mind and she felt dirty. Months passed with hugs, cuddling, alcohol and raw sex. One night all her body hurt, but she wanted more. She wanted to possess, to have, to feel alive. But all the love that F. gave to her was useless; Alex needed her, she needed Piper. She needed once more a glance of those blue eyes, a touch of her thin fingers, her lips closed on her mouth in a cute kiss.

At F.'s birthday Alex decided to buy a necklace for her; she went in a jewelry next to her house but she wasn't able to decide so she asked for a help. The shop assistant, who knew her, suggested to choose something of her love's eyes' color. Gone home, she gave her gift to F.: the girl extracted from the package a wonderful long bright blue necklace made with lapislazzuli and crystals. Her green eyes lit up in love and F. fell onto Alex in a cute hug "Thank you, it's beautiful". A kiss on the neck woke up Alex by her torpor. Her eyes were green. F.'s eyes were fucking green. Green, not blue. But everything Alex was able to see was blue. Everywhere. In her mind, in front of her eyes, outside. All was fucking blue. She liked F., but she wasn't her, she wasn't Piper.

Their relationship went forward for months, but then Alex decided to break up, because it all was just an illusion. Absorbed by F. she even didn't realize that Piper hadn't showed up, that year. But it didn't affect her too much, now she was fine.. blue, but fine.

The fourth year since her mother's death, in March, Alex started working in a bookshop and that blue eyes always stayed in a corner of her mind. She was able to handle them. But one day she saw her in the street and heard that she was moving near.

Her world trembled. The fragile shuck she had built around herself broke down like a coat of ice. All her life, she had painfully reconstructed, wasn't important anymore. She was there, near, too much near and she couldn't avoid it. All her scars ripped up again and now the bleeding wasn't so easy to stop. Alcohol, sex, smoke, pills.. nothing did work.

One day Alex found in a drawer a photo of her, Piper and their boss: a sting hit her heart and her eyes couldn't stay still on it. Then she suddenly recall she still had some drug. A bit of heroin she hadn't been able to give back to her boss: that was the only way.

She had always refused to drug herself, but this was a different case. She needed something, anything that could let her forget, that could throw her into oblivion, far away from those eyes. Far away from her lost love.

Yeah, she still loved her; even if she left her, even with her flaws, her mood, her painful bites on the neck.. everything was perfect if it was her.

"Please don't drug yourself. I beg you.. never! Promise me. Even if heroine had always been more important than everything, also than me." Piper had said her once time. And Alex had promise it. Only once she had tried the thrill, but it wasn't for her.

That thought at first avoided her from entering the vortex of heroine, but some weeks after she discovered that Piper had moved exactly in her same flat and she was at the lower floor. She wanted to see her, she had to.

One night she heard her voice: she was arguing with a man. A man. Alex felt faint but continued watching at the scene, worried for her girl.
Piper was yelling something and the man looked at her with sorrow, when he suddenly pushed her against the door with his eager hands, kissing her and closing the door behind them.

"Fuck you, never fall in love with a straight girl" Alex was angry, and after days of restlessness, depression, memories, darkness she decided to take the train towards the magic world of heroine; partly also to break the vow and disappoint Piper.

She wanted to use the fastest method and she knew how to do it.

The preparation was always a ritual; watching the drug melting in the spoon and becoming darker, with all those bubbles, always reminded her of her first party with Piper, and how the bubbles of champagne she licked from the neck of the bottle fizzed on her tongue.

God, they had got so drunk that night; the wine went to their heads and the night ended how they both hoped, and the morning after they woke up one in the other's arms.

There was also a friend of Piper, that night: Holly, Polly, or something, but she was just a spot on background: Piper was the main scene and her smile the light of the evening.

Alex since that night used to call Piper "my little spoon" but now the only spoon she cared about was the one heating in front of her, a different type of drug, but ecstatic as well and always available.

Then she carefully tightened a tourniquet around her arm and the veins popped out; so slowly she filled a syringe and injected herself with it: just 2 mg, less than the usual dose.

Feeling the fluid slipping in her veins was a wonderful sensation and the ecstasy came fast. Her pupils restricted like a pin, she lay down on the floor and the pain went away.

"But it will never took me completely" she said.