The characters from Stargate SG-1 and those from South Park do not belong to me, and I will not (and probably could not if I tried) make any money off of them. They belong to their respective owners, NOT ME. So DON'T SUE!!!
********************** Scene 1
Setting: A dark, scary military base deep beneath some mountain in Colorado. Outside the complex sits a swing set, seesaws, a row of those little spring-seat-things, you know, the ones that look like animals..., and other such entertainment devices. Jack and Daniel are playing tetherball. Sam is on a tall slide. Teal'c is picking off rats from across the yard with his staff weapon. The others are wearing standard military issue parkas and toques, but Teal'c prefers his bright orange coat and his red plaid hat with the earflaps sticking off to the side. It is cold in the Colorado winters.
BLAM ... BLAM ...
TEAL'C: Aha! I have managed to "wing" one of the dirty Goa'uld bastards, Jack O'Neill!
JACK: Uh... yeah. Good for you, Teal'c. I'm happy for you. Really. (Whispers to Daniel) Is it normal for him to think that there's a Goold in *everything*?
DANIEL: No way, dude. He's one f**ked-up little puppy.
BLAM
TEAL'C: Come back here you rascally rodent. Stand and do battle like a warrior! Bang! Bang! Ha... ha, I will defeat you yet, you Goa'uld bastard.
BLAM
JACK: Jesus, dude! Watch where you're pointing that thing, would you?
DANIEL: Yeah! Damn, Teal'c, you almost fried Jack's ass with that thing. You gotta be careful, dude!
TEAL'C: I am sorry, Colonel O'Neill. But I was chasing the Goa'uld bastards. If you look you can still see them. They are running that way.
Teal'c points. When Jack and Daniel look, Teal'c bolts off running in the other direction.
JACK: Hey! Aww, that was lame, dude!
DANIEL: That *was* pretty lame, Teal'c.
TEAL'C: You are just slow, ignorant mortals. I could lash your apologetic buttocks in a thin second.
JACK: ...Alright, what'd he say?
DANIEL: Teal'c, what did you call my mother?
SAM: Oh, you boys are *so* dumb. He *said* he could kick your sorry asses in one second flat.
DANIEL: Hi, Sam.
Jack barfs on Sam's coat. Fortunately the disgusting stuff perfectly matches the military camouflage pattern.
DANIEL: Aww, sick, dude!
TEAL'C: That is indeed repulsive, Jack O'Neill. However, I find it humorous as well.
Sam just looks at Jack with big puppy dog eyes, brushing Jack's puke off with the pink mittens that she knitted herself.
DANIEL: Hey, Sam. Still got six thumbs on each hand, huh?
SAM: Shut up, Daniel. (Sam belts Daniel across the face, knocking him over.) I don't take crap off *no* guy, you understand me?
DANIEL: (nods frantically) Uh-huh.
SAM: Good. (turns to Jack) Hi, Jack!
Jack barfs on Sam again.
DANIEL: (under his breath) Yeah, you got what you deserve, you dirty little bitch...
Sam whirls around to face Daniel.
SAM: What was that, *Daniel* *Jackson*?
DANIEL: Nothing! Nothing!
TEAL'C: Major Carter. I believe that Daniel Jackson would greatly appreciate it if you would stop beating him up. He is, after all, a bleeder.
SAM: Oh, go play with your staff, Teal'c.
DANIEL: Hey, Teal'c, she's not *beating me up* you know.
JACK: Yeah, sure, Daniel.
DANIEL: She just hit me once.
JACK: Okay, whatever you say, Danny-boy.
TEAL'C: I believe you, Daniel Jackson.
DANIEL: Thank you, Teal'c.
Teal'c snickers.
DANIEL: Hey! What -
But then Jack sees something, which he calls to the attention of the SG-1 team in the usual Jack way.
JACK: Whoa. Cool hummer.
Everyone looks. Jack is right. A kickass big, black Hummer, an armed, non-civilian version, is heading down the long paved road toward the mountain. It pulls up to the inner security gates and waits there while they drop a handful of coins into a slot. When the guard hands back their ID the big vehicle rolls through the gates and pulls to a stop beside the swing set. Suddenly the machine gun mounted on top of the hummer erupts into chattering noise, and a stream of bullets tear into the swing set.
DANIEL: Je-sus!
JACK: Holy sh**!
SAM: Yaaah!!
Teal'c throws the hood of his parka up and cinches it tight with the drawstrings.
The firing stops. The hummer begins to rock and shake, and the door opens. A fat man is kicked out the door and falls on his face.
DANIEL: Oh, it's just Mayborne.
JACK: Aww, not him? That stupid fatass? Great, well this whole day is gonna suck. God DAMN I hate him.
SAM: It'll be okay, Jack. I'm here for you. (She stares, wide-eyed, at him.)
JACK: (Barf!) God DAMMIT.
Teal'c lets out the drawstrings on his hood again, but leaves it up in case. All the others can see are his eyes and his gold Jaffa tattoo.
MAYBORNE: (to the guys in the hummer) Hey, you should watch what the hell you're doing, pal. I'll have you know, I could buy and sell you with my lit-tle bit-ty fin-ger.
HUMMER DRIVER: Get the hell out of here, Monkey-Diarrhea-Face.
MAYBORNE: You can't talk to me like that, you little bitch! I know General Hammond personally!
DRIVER NO. 2: Ooh, I'm so scared! heh heh
DRIVER: Yeah. Beat it, ya Limp Little Llama-Poo Head.
MAYBORNE: What the hell did you just call me?!? Hey! I'll have your head for that! What's your badge number, you little asshole? Yes, I'm talking to you, Driving Boy, what the hell other ugly buttholes are there for me to be staring at?
DRIVER: That's it, you Rooster Droppings Passed Through A Spaghetti Strainer. You're gonna get it now.
The gun on the top of the black hummer rotates until it is pointing at Mayborne.
MAYBORNE: What - What the *hell*? You wouldn't dare. You don't have the *balls* for it, I know you don't, cause your Mommy's got your balls home in a jar, I've seen them, they look like little pickles, heh heh heh along with your tiny wimpy- HEY
The machine gun stutters into action, peppering the ground in front of Mayborne with lead. Mayborne tries to run but the stream of bullets follows him.
MAYBORNE: (Mayborne begins squealing like a pig.) HEY YOU GUYS QUITIT CUTIT*OUT*!!! YOU*GUUUYS*!!!
DRIVER: Dance, Fat Girly Bag Of Crap.
DRIVER 2: Heh heh!
DRIVER: Dance!
Mayborne runs behind Teal'c. Teal'c watches the gun barrel aim closer toward him and brings up the staff weapon. But his hands are shaking so badly that he just throws it down without firing. He yanks the hood closed over his eyes again so he cannot see what he dreads is coming.
The machine gun rounds rip into Teal'c and he falls to the ground in a bloody mess. The rats he was shooting at earlier immediately clamber over his body and gnaw on the exposed bone and muscle.
DANIEL: Oh my God!! They killed Teal'c!!
JACK: YOU BASTARDS!!!
SAM: No wait, guys, the symbiote in his chest should repair him. He ought to be fine.
DANIEL: (under his breath) Oh, yeah, Little Miss Know-It-All is right, she's always right...
SMACK!
DANIEL: OW! What did I say? You crazy bitch...
SMACK!
DANIEL: AAAAHHH!
DRIVER: We'll get you next time, you Marinated Goat Turd On A Hot Barbecue Grill.
MAYBORNE: (yells after the vehicle as it drives away) Yeah, I'd like to see you try, you sonsabit...
He shuts up quickly as the car screeches to a halt and the drivers look out the window back at him. When he starts to whistle and looks away, saying nothing else, the hummer drives away. It stops at the tollgate for about half a second to drop some change in and continues down the long, curvy road.
JACK: What the hell were you thinking, Mayborne? You could've gotten someone hurt!
DANIEL: Umm, Jack... Technically, Teal'c is *dead*.
JACK: Yeah, but I mean somebody important. You know, somebody who *can't* rise back up from the dead. Ahh... Ahh, hell, you know what I mean, Daniel.
Daniel nods quickly. He does not want to get hit in the face again, his nose is already going to heal crooked.
JACK: What the hell are you doing here, anyway, *Mayborne*? Didn't I tell you to stay away from us or I'd tell people you shaved your asshair and glued it to your chest to look cool?
MAYBORNE: You shut the hell up. You don't scare me, dillweed.
JACK: What the hell did you just call me, lardass?!
MAYBORNE: That is correct, I called you, Jack O'Neill, a royal, certified, *dillweed.* And you can't do a goddamn thing about it, so kiss my ass dillweed! Ha-ha! Dillweed, dillweed, dill...weed! Hahaha...
Jack grabs Mayborne by the collar and starts shaking him viciously. Mayborne starts sputtering and squealing again.
MAYBORNE: Hey, hey, hey... GODDAMMIT! Quit it! Now! By orders of the President!
Jack stops shaking Mayborne, but does not let him go.
DANIEL: Whoa dude!
JACK: (Thinks about it.) Nah, you're lyin'. (He starts shaking Mayborne again.)
Mayborne reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of paper. It flies from his hands and flutters to the ground, soaking through with snow.
MAYBORNE: Hey - ey - agh - God - dam - it - just - look - at - it - you - loo- sers - uh - ahhgl
Sam picks up the paper and speedreads it.
SAM: Guys... this really *is* from the President... Wow! Look, it's even got the *seal* and everything!
DANIEL: Cool! Let me see, dude. (Reaches out for the paper.)
SAM: No, I'm still looking at it. (Yanks it away.)
DANIEL: Hey! Give it over you crazy bitch! It's my turn to look at it and I want to see it!
SAM: No! You'll bleed all over it!
DANIEL: You should'a thought about that before you hit me, you looney-tunes psychobitch!
SAM: What the hell did you call me? Ja-ack, did you hear what your *friend* called your *girlfriend?*
Jack stops shaking Mayborne. His eyes go wide and he barfs on the other man.
MAYBORNE: Aww, sick... you piece of crap! What the hell did I ever do to you?
Jack thinks about the piece of paper.
JACK: Does it really say that it's from the President?
DANIEL: (Finally allowed to see it) Yeah, dude. It does. And hey, check it out. The Presidential Seal looks just like the ancient Bung'Holian hieroglyph for 'Kiss my ass'!
Everyone but Mayborne and Teal'c laughs.
MAYBORNE: Are you gonna let me go now or what? Don't make me have to call my close, personal business associate, Mr. President. I'd hate to interrupt his busy schedule for a bunch of dillweeds like *you* guys.
DANIEL: Hey Mayborne, why don't you shut the hell up?
MAYBORNE: Why, what are you going to do about it, Four-eyes?
DANIEL: Hey! I have bad eyesight, it's not my fault.
MAYBORNE: Four-eyes, four-eyes, four-eyes. Hahaha.
Jack gives Mayborne another shake that shuts him up.
JACK: Alright guys, let me see the paper.
Daniel passes him the official document from the President. By now the ink is running from being dropped on the snow, the thing is coated in vomit from Sam's mittens, and there are long bloody smears from Daniel's injured nose. He is not that fast of a reader at the best of times, and now he finds it practically impossible to pick out the words on the battered sheet.
JACK: Aww, screw this.
He throws the disgusting page to the ground. Pulling a Zat' gun from his inside coat pocket and aiming, he fires it at the paper once, twice, three times. The document disappears.
JACK: I didn't see any Presidential Orders, did you see any Presidential Orders?
Jack, Daniel and Sam laugh.
MAYBORNE: What the hell - I - you - Why you little sonsabitches, I'll kill you, I will *so* beat the sh** out of every single one of you, I mean it, oh God I hate you guys *so much* I really swear it -
DANIEL: Ahh, shut up Mayborne. Can't you do anything but oink?
JACK: Ha ha! Yeah, oink, little piggy, oink!
DANIEL: Ha ha!
SAM: Heehee...
Just then a bell rings, and all the members of SG-1, except Teal'c, look toward the complex. Teal'c just lies there.
JACK: Mayborne, you're just lucky we have to go on a mission now.
DANIEL: Yeah, saved by the bell, Lardass.
MAYBORNE: Well, I am going to accompany you on your next mission. The President still ordered me to, even though you buttlords fried my document of authentification.
JACK: What?! No, I don't *think* so, lardball! Get the hell out of here before we kick your fat smelly ass!
DANIEL: Yeah, you ain't comin' with us, you smell too bad! You'd give us away to the aliens!
MAYBORNE: Oh I'm not, am I? Well, I think *General* *Hammond* might have something to say about that.
JACK: What?
DANIEL: No way, dude. The General would never betray us like that. He's our friend. See, 'friend' is a word that means, 'anyone in the world... anyone in the *universe*... who's not Mayborne'!
MAYBORNE: No, really. The President called General Hammond earlier on the phone and told him that I was to come with you guys on your very next mission, because I'm supposed to - (Sam cuts off his little proud speech.)
SAM: It's "authenticity," a**wipe. There's no such word as "authentification." God, I swear, if you weren't already a boy I'd have to *wonder* if you were stupid.
DANIEL: Heh heh.
JACK: Hey. Good one, Sam.
SAM: (Goes wide-eyed and clasps her hands together) Oh, really? Do you think so, Jack?
JACK: Uhh... yeah... you know, I guess...
Sam hops off toward the complex wearing a huge smile and passes through the revolving door.
DANIEL: Way to go, dude! You didn't even upchuck! (Pats Jack on the back)
JACK: BARRF!
MAYBORNE: Oh, thanks a lot! Yeah, who needs friends with *buttlords* like you around?
DANIEL: Shut the hell up, Mayborne. Just... come on, if you're coming. Oh, and just warnin' ya, we're going to turn on the automated defense system if we get inside first. Heh heh.
MAYBORNE: Shut up! You will not.
JACK: Just pick up Teal'c and haul your fat ass inside the base.
Jack and Daniel head inside as well. Mayborne is left alone with Teal'c and the rats. He picks up the Jaffa's feet and, grunting and cursing, attempts to drag him toward the revolving door.
MAYBORNE: (Muttering to himself) I hate you guys. I really do. Goddamn hippies...
Suddenly a dozen machine gun turrets pop up out of hidden holes in the ground and focus on Mayborne. His eyes go wide.
MAYBORNE: YOU SONSABITCH-E-E-E-E-S!!!
****************************************
Scene 2
Setting: General Hammond's office. On the wall are various posters, including "Drink Milk", "I Want To Believe", and a calendar currently featuring a picture of Jack and Kawalsky holding down Ra while Daniel kicks him in the ass and smiles at the camera. General Hammond is there, wearing a tall chef's hat and sitting behind his desk. He is currently singing along to the theme from Shaft and talking and laughing to himself.
HAMMOND: Oh, yeah, baby. Who's the baddest mother- shut your mouth! Uh... ummf... no-one understands him but his womaaaan... AAH! (He shuts off the tape.) Dammit, children, how many times have I told you to *knock* before you enter my pad?
Jack just blinks at him.
DANIEL: Don't you mean *office,* General, sir?
Jack blinks.
HAMMOND: Uh- yes, son, isn't that what I said? (Jack shakes his head mutely.) Oh, well, it's probably one of those things that will be overlooked because I have such an important position.
JACK: Oh, no need to get up for us, sir.
HAMMOND: Okay, I won't.
... ((Brief moment of silence))
DANIEL: Uh, sir?
HAMMOND: Yes, Daniel, what is it?
DANIEL: What was that giggle?
HAMMOND: I don't have a clue what you're talking about, son.
DANIEL: That sound, just a second ago. When you said 'position.'
HAMMOND: Probably the air conditioning.
SAM: No, sir, I heard it, too. It distinctly sounded like a giggle. In fact, I believe it was coming from behind your -
HAMMOND: It may have been me, breaking wind.
...
HAMMOND: Sometimes when I break wind it sounds like a foxy brunette woman giggling.
...
Jack and Daniel glance at each other.
...
HAMMOND: Well, children, what is it?
JACK: Uh... yeah... uh...
DANIEL: Uh, well, sir, you see...
Their eyebrows furrow together.
JACK: (mutters) *Brunette?*
SAM: (Huffs impatiently.) What the hell is that fat piece of sh** Mayborne doing coming on our next mission, General Hammond?
Jack and Daniel snap out of their reveries.
JACK: Uh, yeah, what she said.
Hammond holds up his hands. Now, children, there's absolutely nothing I can do about that one. My hands are tied.
There is another giggle. Hammond kicks the bottom of his desk.
HAMMOND: Heh, heh. Whooo! (He exaggerates waving a bad smell away.) Somebody open a window! (he jokes, his eyes darting left and right.) Heh heh...
Then Mayborne bursts into the office, panting and heaving, and slams the door behind him. His clothes are torn and hanging off in ribbons. His blue-and-yellow toque cap is just a narrow band around his neck and he has red streaks on parts of his exposed flab.
MAYBORNE: You damn...sons...a...uhhhh...I'll...kill you...all... I swear...
HAMMOND: (holding back a laugh) What happened to you, son?
MAYBORNE: These...these *bastards*... these guys... left me-
DANIEL: Hey Teal'c.
TEAL'C: Hello Daniel Jackson. What did I miss?
JACK: General Hammond here was just about to explain to us why we have to bring a bag of dogpoop like Mayborne along on our next SG mission.
MAYBORNE: Hippies... kick your...uhh...let me catch my breath...Ooh, hello. General Hammond...*Sir*... are those Cheesy Poofs I see on your desk? May I borrow a few, for examination purposes? I wish to run some tests on them for a theory I have-
HAMMOND: Oh, just take them you fat weirdo. On one condition: you *shut up*!
MAYBORNE: Gladly, General Hammond, sir, I would like to-
HAMMOND: Now what the hell did I tell you?
Mayborne starts jamming the cheese snacks in his mouth.
HAMMOND: (Rolling his eyes) Now that he's taken care of, what is your problem?
SAM: We told you!
HAMMOND: Did you? (Thinks...) Oh, yes, so you did. Well, children, like I told you, there is nothing I can do about that. I'm bound by Presidential Orders, and I might as well be handcuffed to a bedpost and beaten with a leather whip, as well. Ahem, excuse me. (Waves his hand.)
...
JACK: But come on, sir, can't you talk to the President again? Maybe he just made a mistake, and we were supposed to be assigned someone named Wayborne, or Hayborne...
DANIEL: Or Clayborne.
JACK: Thank you, Daniel.
HAMMOND: No, son. I'm afraid that's not the case.
DANIEL: Or Claymore.
JACK: Yes, Daniel. Okay, we get the point.
HAMMOND: In fact, I had a feeling that you might react this way, especially you, Jack. While I was video conferencing with the President I put him on hold so that he could talk to you in person.
DANIEL: Or Fennimore...
JACK: Alright, enough, Daniel! Shut *up*, dude!
DANIEL: Jeez, Jack, nothing like trying not to hurt a guy's feelings...
JACK: Okay, now you're startin' to creep me out. Shut up already, man!
DANIEL: Sorry. Didn't mean to upset you, Jack.
JACK: GYAAH!
DANIEL: (Snickers) It's so easy, dude!
HAMMOND: OKAY, boys. Here he is. (Picks up a remote control and pushes a button, turning on a television screen. The picture focuses in and the sound comes up.)
The President does not notice that the camera is turned on. He is busy talking to a hand puppet that he is wearing.
PRESIDENT: What's that, Mr. Hat? You think that *your* name would look better on the Oval Office door? Oh, you do, do you? Well, mister, you had better stop that kind of crazy talk or they'll never let you run as my Vice President again next term, I'll tell you that right now, Mr. Man. What's that? Oh! Oh, yeah, you crazy bitch, you think you can hire an assassin to kill me? Well I'll just drown you, how do you like that? (He stuffs the hand with the puppet on it down into a pitcher of water.) Yeah, what do you think of *that*, you kill-crazy little psycho? Huh? (He pulls the puppet out of the pitcher of water.) How do you like it now, Mr. I'm-Smarter-Than-You-Are-Just-Because-I-Can-Solve-Crossword-Puzzles-And-You-Can't? (He puts the hand puppet up close to his ear.) Yeah, I like your new attitude a lot better, too. Just don't you forget who feeds you and who's got his hand up your-
HAMMOND: Ahem...
PRESIDENT: Oh my! (Looks at his screen.) Oh. Well, look who's back, Vice President Mr. Hat. It's General Hammond of the ooh-so-precious *S* *G* *C.* He's finally decided to grace us with his presence one more time this century.
HAMMOND: I apologize for my absence, President Garrison, but I was attending to urgent matters of business. Oh, excuse me. I've been gassy all day, heh heh...
PRESIDENT: Oh, very well, General. I guess I never really could hold a grudge against a man in uniform.... Continue.
HAMMOND: Well, sir, it's about your orders that Colonel Mayborne accompany SG-1 on their next Stargate mission to Planet ICUP69XXX.
PRESIDENT: (Impatient, bored sounding) Yes, what about them?
JACK: We'd like you to take them back or we'll stick a zat gun up your ass.
PRESIDENT: Uh, Mr. O'Neill, we can't do that.
DANIEL: Oh, that's funny, it takes you to *give* an order but "we" to *change* it?
PRESIDENT: Mr... Jackson, is it? (He is starting to sound worried.)
JACK: We'll shove it up your ass and fire until our fingers get cramped! And then we'll switch hands and keep firing!
SAM: And we'll take turns, too!
JACK: Yeah!
SAM: We don't want that ugly, stupid sack of dogsh** to come with us!
DANIEL: Yeah!
MAYBORNE: You guys suck, you know that?
TEAL'C: I too dislike this Colonel Mayborne and would wish that he not come with us. Ever. In my entire lifetime.
PRESIDENT: Well, too bad, Mr. Big, Bad Jaffa. He's going with you and that's final!
TEAL'C: The Goa'uld have a word for potential hosts who act as you are acting, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
TEAL'C: Dead.
Everyone but Mayborne and President Garrison laughs. The cheesy poofs are gone and he has moved on to a dish of chocolate-covered mints.
JACK: Good one, Teal'c.
TEAL'C: Thank you, Colonel O'Neill. I stay up nights thinking of humorous phrases to use against our enemies, just like in those comic books you gave me.
JACK: Uh...yeah. *Anyway.* Mr. "President," that... walking hemmorhoid... is not coming with us. Is that clear?
PRESIDENT: No, "MR. O'NEILL." I didn't catch that. I was on the phone to the Pentagon, contacting the High Commander or whatever he's called of the United States Army. I am about to tell him to *shut down* your nice Stargate Command Center and turn it into a quaint little tourist attraction if you don't co-operate. Now, would you like to repeat what it was that you just said to me, you snotty little jackass?
JACK: I... Oh, wait till I get my hands on you... I'll...
PRESIDENT: What was that? Come on, this is a very busy man, I'm going to have to tell him something really soon... What is your answer, Jack-o?
Daniel and Teal'c have to hold back Jack from totalling the screen.
JACK: He just called me...!
DANIEL: Jack. *Jack.*
JACK: What???
DANIEL: Jack. We can't let him shut down the Stargate project, dude.
TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson is right, Colonel O'Neill. Dude. That would be very dire, indeed. We must not allow it to happen under any circumstances.
JACK: OHHHH!!! Alright. Alright! Get offa me. I'll be fine. God... Arrgh.
PRESIDENT: Now, Mr. O'-Kneel-Before-Your-Master... what were you saying?
Jack grinds his teeth together and growls out the words between them.
JACK: We...will...take...May...borne...with...us...on...our...next...mission...
PRESIDENT: Very good. Now, you insolent little boogers go play on your faraway planets. I have Presidential stuff to do. Ha ha ha! I *love* being President! It's like a party every day. (He speaks to someone off-screen.) Where are the damn poolboys I asked for? They were supposed to be here an hour ago. Dammit, I can't trust anyone to do *anything* around here. (He looks at the hand puppet, grimacing.) Don't *you* start...
General Hammond shuts the television off.
Jack, however, is still glaring at the empty screen. His eye starts twitching.
DANIEL: Whoa, that can't be good, dude.
SAM: Yeah, maybe we should take him to see Doctor Fraiser.
TEAL'C: There is no time. The mission to ICUP69XXX is scheduled any minute now. We must leave.
DANIEL: Yeah, you're right. Teal'c, help me with Jack. Let's get him to the Gate room.
TEAL'C: Agreed, Daniel Jackson.
Before they leave, Daniel pauses to ask General Hammond something.
DANIEL: General...
HAMMOND: Yes, Daniel?
DANIEL: Umm... Why... uh...
HAMMOND: If you have something to say, just say it, Daniel. I value everyone's input here.
DANIEL: Okay. Umm... why do you always wear a chef's hat, sir?
HAMMOND: Because I like to *cook,* son. (He grins and waggles his eyebrows.)
...
DANIEL: Ahh, I see.
...
He and Teal'c support Jack between them on their shoulders and head off to the embarkation platform. Mayborne is still eating, and does not look as if he realizes that the others are leaving. His face and shirt collar are smeared with chocolate and cheesy poof dusting. Sam walks over to him and snatches the jar of rock candy he has been emptying for the past few minutes.
SAM: Come on, fella. Come and get it. (She waggles it in front of his face.)
She walks out the door and follows the others to the Gateroom. Mayborne waddles closely behind her, his eyes never leaving the jar of candy. He makes small grunting and whining noises all the way down the hall.
General Hammond looks around, and starts twiddling his fingers.
Doctor Fraiser sticks her head up from under his desk.
FRAISER: Did someone say my name?
Hammond smiles.
HAMMOND: Thank you for "mixing my batter," Dr. Fox-ey La-dy.
She smiles back at him and they both stand up and straighten their clothes. General Hammond turns the music back on and starts snapping his fingers.
HAMMOND: John Shaft...
Dr. Fraiser hears a sound much like a woman giggling.
HAMMOND: (Waves his hand through the air.) Excuse me.
**********************************************
Scene 3
Setting: The Gateroom. The SG-1 team has been standing ready in front of the Stargate for ten minutes. They are bored and have begun throwing rocks into the watery suface of the event horizon for something to do. Mayborne is annoying everybody, shaking his hands and making loud, stuttering machine-gun sounds.
MAYBORNE: Hey, how come you guys haven't given me a weapon yet? I want a machine gun.
JACK: (Irritated) Shut up, Mayborne.
MAYBORNE: Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack - Major, Charlie is on your six! Ack-ack-ack! I dusted him for you, sir. Oh! Why, thank you, sir, but I believe there will be time later to award medals of courage to your outstanding officers... Oh-ho, sir, you're too kind...
JACK: AAGH! That's it!!
Jack launches himself at Mayborne, intent on strangling him. Daniel and Teal'c are forced - after a few seconds - to pull O'Neill off of the Colonel.
JACK: WOULD you SHUT UP?!?
MAYBORNE: Hey, Buttwipe, I have as much right to be here as you do, so get used to it. I'm going to be here for a long time. Suffer! Haha!
Sam walks over and punches Mayborne in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Mayborne falls over to the floor groaning.
SAM: Would you boys shut up? I'm trying to put my make-up on.
DANIEL: Whoa! Way to go Sam! Haha. Take that, Mayborne!
MAYBORNE: Uuuggghhhh...
DANIEL: HAHAHA!!! (Clutches his sides.)
JACK: Hey Sam, why are you wearing make-up, anyway?
DANIEL: I can't believe you were beat up by a girl!!
SAM: I want to look good for you, Jack. (Her eyes go wide.) I mean - for all the cute aliens I might find.
JACK: You looked good before, Sam.
SAM: Oh, Jack, really? (She clasps her hands together.)
JACK: Yeah, you know how I hate make-up. I guess I'm a "natural look" kinda guy. (He smiles.)
Sam rubs the make-up off her face with her jacket sleeve. Now it is smudged and smeared across her cheeks, her chin, the bridge of her nose, and everywhere. She looks, quite frankly, like a yeti walking out of an exploding rainbow.
JACK: Yipes! Jeez!
SAM: Better, Jack?
J: Uh... yeah... yeah, I... oh God, excuse me!
Jack runs into a port-a-potty just off to one side of the Stargate. Reatching sounds can be heard. Sam smiles to herself dreamily.
DANIEL: HAAHAAAAAAHA! A GIRL, dude! HAHAAA!
MAYBORNE: Hey, shut up. She knocked you down, too!
DANIEL: Yeah, and you're bigger than me! HAAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh my god! HAAHA!
General Hammond walks in, with Doctor Fraiser. The doctor is adjusting her skirt, and Hammond is zipping up his pants. He sees that his button is missing. Doctor Fraiser bites on something strange and spits it into her hand to look at it. Noticing what it is, she passes it to Hammond. He looks at it, looks down at his pants, and, turning red, slips the small object into his pocket. For the rest of the scene he is holding his pants up by the waistband with his hand.
HAMMOND: Ahem. Hem. Hi, kids! What's going on?
JACK: (Drying his hands and face on a towel) We're heading out through the Stargate, sir.
HAMMOND: Are you? Did I authorize this?
JACK: Yes, sir, you *did.* (Jack is starting to get miffed.)
Daniel thinks quickly.
DANIEL: Ah, but sir... you didn't say Mayborne could come with us.
HAMMOND: I didn't?
DANIEL: No, sir. In fact, if you'll remember, the last time he was here he left such a bad smell that you said if he ever came back to shoot him on sight.
MAYBORNE: HEY! You a**hole! Take that back! He did not say that!
FRAISER: Now, Daniel, stop talking like that about your little friends, mmm-kay? It isn't right to make fun of someone just because they're different-
MAYBORNE: Thank you.
FRAISER: - or fat -
MAYBORNE: Hey!
FRAISER: - or aliens, or stupid -
MAYBORNE: (Sarcastically) I think they get the point...
FRAISER: - or bonkers. Mmm-kay?
DANIEL: Mmm-kay, Dr. Fraiser.
FRAISER: Very good, Daniel. Making fun is bad. Mmm-kay? Got that? *Fun* is *bad*. Mmm-kay?
DANIEL: Yes, Dr. Fraiser.
FRAISER: How about you, Jack?
JACK: Mmm-kay.
FRAISER: Good.
HAMMOND: Ohhh, okay. *I* remember now. You kids are off to planet ICUP69XXX, aren't you?
JACK: (In a droning voice) Yes, General Hammond.
HAMMOND: Yes, I remember. Oh, well. I guess you boys are just going to have to bite the bullet and take along the fat, smelly pig on this one. The President is going to have my ass in a wringer if you don't, and better you than me! Heh heh. Good luck, boys.
DANIEL: (In a droning voice as well) Thank you, General Hammond.
FRAISER: And just remember, kids, where do the nasty little Goa'ulds enter your body?
DANIEL: (dv) Through your ass.
FRAISER: And?
SAM: (dv) And you'll never know it.
HAMMOND: So?
ALL OF SG-1 IN DRONING CHORUS: Never take a dump in a sarcophagus, no matter how much you think it will piss off a Goa'uld system lord.
FRAISER: Very good, kids. Very good. Remember, Goa'uld are bad. Mmm-kay? Jaffa are bad, too. Uh, um, except you, Teal'c. You're *good.* But all other Jaffa are *bad.* Mmm-kay?
SG-1 (IN UNISON): Mmm-kay.
HAMMOND: Very good. Okay, good luck, boys. And try to kick some dirty, slimy, alien Gooey-wormthingie Predator Roswell X-Files ass, okay?
SG-1: Yes, sir!
HAMMOND: Dismissed!
SG-1: YES, SIR!
SG-1, and Mayborne, march up the metal gangplank toward the Gate. Suddenly, without warning, the event horizon simply blinks and snaps off. SG-1 and the Armed Alien Welcoming Committee all drop to the ground with their guns at the ready.
JACK: What the hell happened?!?
A wild-haired technician wearing a red Star Trek shirt begins freaking out.
TECHIE: Oh, you piece of crap! Come on. Not now!
He kicks the Stargate and begins pounding on it with his hands and beating his head against it. He sounds frantic.
TECHIE: No! No, no, NO!! Come on, you scanky, little, S**TBOX piece of CRAP! For the love of God, WORK, DAMN YOU! WOOORK!!!
They hear a clicking noise. The big circle rumbles and rattles and then the event horizon reappears.
TECHIE: (Calm and professional now; gives the General the A-OK sign with his fingers) Okay, sir, its working.
HAMMOND: (To the Control Room) Same destination?
The voice comes over the speaker.
CONTROL: Heh, heh. We'd better hope so, huh?
HAMMOND: Heh heh. Alright then. On your way, SG-1. Oh, and if you find any of those-
JACK: "Aliens Do It In Orbit" T-shirts, we'll bring one back for you. Yes, sir.
HAMMOND: (Grinning) Good, Mr. O'Neill. See you children later, then. (He turns to walk off with Fraiser.)
DANIEL: You know, why doesn't anyone tell him we're not children?
TEAL'C: I attempted to inform him of that piece of information once, Daniel Jackson, but he sat on me.
MAYBORNE: He *sat* on you?
DANIEL: Damn, dude!
JACK: I bet he could, too!
HAMMOND: I heard that, Mr. O'Neill!
SG-1 turns around, and Hammond and Fraiser are still there, waving to them. Hammond's other hand is out of view, behind Dr. Fraiser. The team, and Colonel Mayborne, wave to them, then turn around again and walk through the Stargate.
MAYBORNE: Hey you guys, the aliens don't really come in through your *ass,* do they?
All five of the travelers disappear through the Gate, and the event horizon shuts down just as the last one passes through.
TECHIE: Ahh, DAMMIT! (He throws his hairpiece on the floor and jumps up and down on it.)
Hammond's pants fall down around his ankles, and his face turns red. Dr. Fraiser looks at him and giggles. When he hears the giggling sound, the Techie automatically pulls the collar of his shirt up to cover his nose. Then he begins rapidly hammering on the Stargate's chevrons with a big wrench.
****************************************
To Be Continued...