If Only, a kingdom hearts fanfic

My second one-shot, or third if the evilness of plot block doesn't leave Random Castle anytime soon. glares angrily at museAurora, my muse, pays no attention and continues sleeping in the corner

So this is the happy child's first attempt at something sad. Bound to be interesting, eh? It took months to write…that's how bad I am at sad stuff. I'm so happy it's done now, sometimes it felt like torture…the experience was a good one overall, but I don't think I'll be trying it again anytime soon…

And yes, I do believe Axel and Larxene would be out of high school, but… that's 'for the sake of the plot' for ya. Not like it plays a big part, anyway… And their school is based off Japanese schools, in case you can't tell.

Disclaimer- Kawaii-Chan does not own Kingdom Hearts. If she did, the whole world would be glued to their Re: Com or FM+ right now.

Hope you enjoy. Review if you wish.

If Only

ima mo…ima demo dareka no yasashii kotoba yori

kimi wo kono ude de mou ichido dakishimetai

ima mo kimi no tame boku ha tatakaitsuzukeru yo

kimi to mou ichido, waraiaeru sono hi made

"Hello, Senpai!" Roxas greeted as Axel slammed his locker shut.

"How many times do I have to tell you? We're friends now. Ax-el. Got it memorized?"

"R-right." The freshman nodded.

"So what're you doing over here? It's all to dangerous to be a freshman in the senior hallway."

"I saw Larxene-Senpai, and she looked pretty mad, so I thought it would be best if I stayed out of her was, then I saw you, so I thought I should visit."

"How nice of you. Think you're good enough to say 'hi' to a senior?"

"Ah….uh…um…s…sorry…" Roxas scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Settle down. Teasing lower classmen gets everyone's disapproval these days…ah well, whatever." Axel sighed. "Sorry about the whole Larxene thing. Pretty sure it's mostly my fault."

"Really Sen…Axel?"

"Yeah…she was complaining about how people always give her weird looks. So I suggested getting rid of those antennas, 'cause that's obviously the reason, and she managed to turn my advice into a hair insult. Thought I'd never hear the end of it… Isn't it time you got to Blitzball club?"

"Yeah…What club are you in?"

"Never was part of one. Never liked clubs."

"Oh…so what are you doing?"

"Well, I don't have cram school this week, so take a guess at who I have a project to do with."

"Um…Larxene?"

"Gee, thanks Captain Obvious." The redhead rolled his eyes.

"Wow…again? Seems like you're always stuck with her…Don't you get sick of it?"

Axel shrugged. "We've found our ways to tolerate it. Figure if I put up with her long enough she warm up to me eventually."

"Good luck, then."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

"Bye!" The blond waved and dashed off.

Axel sighed with relief as he pushed the print button. When the printer finally decided to spit out his pictures, he threw them across the room, where they landed on the poster board they would be applied to. He then left the room.

"Larxene, your turn." When he failed to hear a response, he continued to the living room where Larxene was working. He froze. At least, that's what she was supposed to be doing. "Larxene?" He whispered.

She sat there, on the couch, arms wrapped around her legs, head resting on her legs, and staring out the window into nothingness.

"Larxene?" He asked yet again.

"Hm?" Although she now acknowledged him, she still stayed frozen on the couch.

"You can use the computer now."

"Hmm? …Oh, right." She finally moved, grabbing her work in the process of getting up. She began to walk off, but stopped in front of him. "You have a nice apartment." She stated simply.

"Th...thanks." He stammered.

"So you live here alone?"

"Yeah."

"Same for me. Any family I knew died, so I've had to fend for myself…I have money they left. But…it's still tough."

"Yeah, same here."

"Hm…funny, we see each other so much, yet we know nothing…" The blonde began, but was soon interrupted by the redhead.

"Don't say that."

"Hm? Say what?"

"'If only.' It's just…I hate it."

"Oh…I see…" With that, she walked off.

Now it was Axel's turn to sit on the couch, staring out the window into nothingness. 'What's happened to Larxene?' He thought. 'Why didn't she just walk past with an evil glare and a slight growl like she always has? She always has… always… What's happened to the snotty, sadistic woman I've come to hate and love? …Wait… love?!' He shook his head and went back through his thoughts. "I'm tired…that's it…just…tired…' He sighed as he lied down, soon drifting off to sleep.

"Hey, Axel." Larxene said. No answer. She sighed and kicked him in the stomach.

"Aaaaaaah…ow…Larxene, why?" Axel asked as he clutched his stomach.

"Just like you to fall asleep during something so important, idiot."

'Idiot?' He thought. She always used a more…colorful…vocabulary.

"Get up so we can just get this over with."

"So it wasn't just a dream…" He mumbled.

"What's wrong now?" She asked in her usual snobby tone.

"…You alright? You seem off…way off."

"I'm fine. Now get to work."

"You sure?"

"NOW, AXEL!!"

He obeyed with a sigh. The next half hour was his longest yet. Of course, any room the two worked in was always dead quiet, but this quiet… he hated it. It was unnatural, horrid. Or perhaps it was the same quiet it had always been; just now he realized how wrong it was. Despite the disturbing silence, the two managed to complete their assignment without any more conflict. The cleanup began in silence, but it didn't last.

"I'll hold on to everything." Larxene said, almost protectively.

"You sure?" Axel asked as he helped her roll up the poster. "There's a lot here."

"You'll just lose it."

"If you really think that…"

It was quiet until they were finally finished packing up.

"You know…" Axel began, his voice now quieter, full with regret over starting the sentence. "…If you ever need anything, I'm here."

"Nice one stupid. And you wonder if I'm alright."

"I'm…I'm just…worried, 'cause you're acting different. Way different…"

"I'll be fine." Her voice was softer now. "I'm a big girl. I can get though it fine… Now, I need to get home, so… bye, I guess." She turned and headed for the door.

"Wait, don't go!" The redhead yelled.

The blonde sighed. "What is it now?"

"Don't go yet…I have a bad feeling."

Larxene rolled her eyes. "I'll be fine. All the worrying is getting to your head."

"Bye, then." He whispered as she slipped on her shoes and headed out.

Axel gasped and dropped his bacon. 'I did not just see that…'

It was an unusual day for him. He'd actually put some time into breakfast, making himself bacon, eggs, and the rest. How he was eating on the couch, doing one of the things he hated most in life- watching the news. He saw I as boring and predictable, why people watched it like some kind of necessity he didn't understand, and never would. But now, he would do anything to get his mind off Larxene. The thought of himself thinking of here like this was quite haunting to him. Of course, what he had just seen didn't help.

It was all a blur. A news report- car accident- truck hit tiny car- blood red car, from what could be made out of the remains of it, anyway- he knew that was the color of Larxene's car- but he knew it couldn't be. But next, a person on a stretcher, lifted onto an ambulance- it was a young woman, blonde.

'It's a coincidence, just a coincidence.' He thought. Red cars and blonde women weren't rare, and he hadn't seen any antenna. Still, he found himself placing his food on the coffee table, running to the phone, and calling Roxas.

"Hello?" Roxas yawned into the phone.

"Roxas! Oh, thank God you picked up! Are you watching the news right now?"

"Well, it's on and my parents are watching it, but I'm not really into it…"

"Did you see the report on that car crash?"

"Yeah, it…" The blond began but was interrupted.

"It…it wasn't… Larxene, was it?" Worry filled the redhead's voice.

Silence.

"…It…was, right Roxas?"

"Yeah…It happened down the street from my house. I saw it on my way home from cram school. I was gonna tell you in school."

"Why didn't you call?!"

"I…I didn't think it mattered that much."

"…It must've happened on her way home from my place…I knew something bad would happen…"

"Sorry…I can tell you what hospital she's at…Don't know if they'll let you see her though. She looked pretty bad."

"Oh, don't worry about it. They'll let me in."

Roxas smiled. "Knew you'd say that."

"Axel!" Larxene's attempt to happily proclaim his arrival came out as nothing more that a horse whisper. Of course, she hadn't said anything 'happily' in a long, long time, but…

"Larxene..." He whispered as he ran to her side.

"Oh Axel, I didn't think you'd come…" Her eyes began to well up with tears as she took her right arm- the only limb she had that wasn't horribly damaged- and gently brushed her fingertips against his cheek.

"Looks like I don't even know myself anymore." He laughed slightly, grabbing her hand in both of his, as she was quickly losing the strength to hold it up.

"You're not alone…" A tear slid down her cheek, despite how much she was against it.

"Larxene…no…You've had your reason's, right?"

"Yeah, I did…people either betrayed me or died…I was always hurt! I couldn't risk being taken for a fool and hurt again. It was the only choice I had left."

"Should I just leave?" He asked quietly, unwillingly.

"No, Axel! Don't leave…you're different…from everyone…I'm sorry, I never wanted to chase you away…I just didn't want to take the risk again…" She began to speak slower now, quieter. Axel realized that Larxene was having trouble breathing, yet she refused to stop speaking.

He laced the fingers of his right had around those of her's, and wiped her tears away with his free hand. "I wouldn't think of leaving."

"If only I hadn't…done a lot of things…"

Axel shivered at the sound of the phrase, but answered with it. "Yeah…If only…" He looked her over- broken arm, a number of ribs- he couldn't tell how many- broken, legs broken and fractured in so many ways. Her breathing was becoming less natural and more forced. And he hated every second of it.

"Axel, I…they said…it's almost-"

"Larxene, stop. Just stop. It's not good fro you to keep going on like this."

"Oh, what does it matter? …I…I'm never gonna make it out of here…"

"Don't talk like that. Please…don't… you're stronger than this."

"Why do you care? Why are you even here? All I've ever done is treat you like dirt. No, even worse. A lot worse… You're just an idiot."

"And you were just saying the hate was all just an act to keep your pretty little face safe… I see how it is… It was all just one more sadistic little act before you vanish. Fine, I see how it is… Goodbye, then. See you in the next life…someday…" With a reluctant turn, he let go of her hand and started for the door.

"No…Axel, don't leave! I just...I…you are an idiot that was never an act…but…you know, all the times I said I hate you…it…it was always a lie…always…" Despite her attempts, he refused to stop. He was now at the door, and it was only a matter of seconds before her fading voice would be out of his reach. Of course, she would not allow it to end. Not this way. If she even had a choice now, it wouldn't end. She would go on for him. The one who had always been there. Even if every time they ended up together it was because of freak chance, and every time she just chased him away. Because, no matter what, he tolerated it. For the most part, anyway. Because he was the one who understood her reasons and accepted them. Because when everyone else called her a heartless bitch, he didn't. Because he taught her that there is good in this world. Because…she… "Dammit…GET BACK IN HERE, DUMBASS!!"

Axel turned around. "Hey, Larxene decided to show up today."

"Oh, how lovely. Axel decided to come."

The situation turned to an awkward silence.

"Say, um, Larxene…" Axel nervously began, slowly stepping back to his previous spot by her side. "What were you saying before?"

"If it was that important, you should've stayed."

"But…look, I was mad, and it was rash…I'm sorry…" Now slightly shaking, he found himself holding her hand once again.

"Say it again."

"Wha…?"

"I don't think you've ever told anyone 'sorry' before. I need to cherish the moment. Considering that for the next…six months or something like that…I'll be frozen here."

He sighed. No matter what reasoning she had, part of that sadism had to be natural. And how could a man resist a woman's request when she was like this? He stared down at her hand and mumbled an authentic 'I'm sorry'.

She giggled slightly. "All right…" She sighed, and all was quiet. The only thing she wanted now was to curl up into a ball, look away, and mumble. It was just so nice that only the second was currently doable. 'Why'd I even start that sentence in the first place?!' Ah, the things we do when we get emotional…

She looked as far away from him as she could, and reluctantly began to speak with the whisper that was her voice at the moment. "…'I hate you'. That's always been a lie…always. It's truly always been the opposite."

"Larxene…"

"What is it now?"

"You can't expect me to be quiet after that, can you? Look at me."

"No. I hate you."

"You're such a bad liar sometimes."

"Shut up. You're such an idiot."

"Hey, at least you obeyed me." He realized that they now had eye contact.

"Yeah, wha- mmph!"

Her words mushed into incoherent sounds as his warm lips met her cold ones. By the time she realized what was going on, it was near over, and she soon found him back in his previous position.

She blushed furiously. "Axel."

"Hey, you needed an answer." He smirked. "You're cute when you're blushing."

"Mmm…" She looked up at him pleadingly.

"Again? All right…" He leaned over and their lips touched once again.

"Axel…I love you…" She whispered before another kiss.

"Larxene…" He stood up again. "I…I love you too…" He stroked her face slowly.

She smiled back at him. Her head slumped to the side.

"Larxene…you okay? …No…Oh God, no…He clutched her hand harder, but it only got colder. "No…why? Why now?" Still gripping her hand, he fell to his knees, resting his head on the bed, and the sheet met warm tears.

"Axel?" You okay?" Roxas asked, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"…I don't get it. I thought she was getting better. That she would be just fine. And then…she just left. I just don't get it…" Axel slowly ran his fingertips across the smooth marble tombstone-first the letters of Larxene's memory, then the side that had been left blank for when it was his turn to pass on.

"So…what now?"

"Move on. What else can I do? Time's not gonna wait. Life goes on no matter what I want."

"Mmm…"

"You should get home. Your parents'll start to get worried soon."

"Yeah…See you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah."

With a worried look, Roxas walked off.

'If only we'd realized our feelings sooner…this wouldn't have happened. I'm sure of it.'

'If only we hadn't been such fools to each other…'

'If only I'd listened to that feeling and kept you from leaving…your life…precious life…wouldn't have been cut so short.'

And the list went on through the night.

ima mo…ima demo dareka no yasashii kotoba yori

kimi wo kono ude de mou ichido dakishimetai

ima mo kimi no tame boku ha tatakaitsuzukeru yo

kimi to mou ichido, waraiaeru sono hi made

and now…even now, more than anyone else's kind words

I want to hold you in my arms once more

even now I keep on fighting for you

until the day I can smile at you once more

from the song 'Metamorphoze'

by Gackt Camui