Unworthy indeed
One-shot
15 July 18
AmeCan loving relationship, EngCan angst one-sided.
Sometimes, it can be hard to control oneself, especially with vast amounts of power at owns disposal. Sometimes, it can be hard not to use that power for self-gain, and normally people with such power have control over their own morals, but sometimes it wavers.
The thoughts had been infecting him not just for months, but for years, cruelly twisting his mind into contraptions and slowly eroding his sense of shame about how he could accomplish his end goal: to make Mathew love him, and turn away from the blond loud-mouthed American.
In the end, he'd followed through on his thoughts, and made plans to break the two up with his magic. It was a simple but time-consuming effort to prepare his spells and potions over the course of months; everything was going to plan.
Then, over the course of tea with Mathew, somehow he lost his nerve and shining through the light of his insanity, he saw reason.
It was quickly swallowed back into the madness, but it gave him enough motivation to go into action and stop what he'd almost done.
When Mathew unknowingly went to eat the tampered treats he'd brought, for once nicely made and not burnt, and the tea he'd prepared, he'd quickly reached forward and snatched one of the cookies himself to take a bite of his own cookie before Mathew could, and putting on a show to convince him as much as he could he grimaced and told Mathew not to eat it, "it turns out it tastes bad still on the inside even if I managed not to burn it this time. Oh drat."
He kept up the pretense of friendly chatter, but as soon as he was away and using his Nation powers to bring himself back to his own homeland, his shoulders sagged. "How could I have even thought to try and do something like that? Try and use magic to force a relationship?" He tried to ask himself, but knew it wouldn't be of any help. Obviously, he had gone too far and this required talking about with the other members of the Magic Club. If worst came to worst, he might just have to ask them to place him under a Geas and force him to never do such a thing again. His perusal into the dark arts a few years back must have contaminated him more than he thought…but those were thoughts for another time, after he made himself blindingly drunk and attempted to put this behind him.
*later*
Alcohol ended up, as always, making him brood instead of loosen up. The blasted thing. Though this time, at least it helped him come to a resolution.
Arthur finished nursing his beer in one long burning gulp. Thinking of Mathew, and what he almost did, he almost considered getting another drink, but didn't have the will to even look up from the last drops of liquid in his cup to signal the bartender.
"I am unworthy indeed." He said to those last drops instead. In his head, he gave a sharp barking laugh to end off his misery-soaked statement, and laying his money on the table, he vanished from the table, this time going straight back to his home.
No matter what, he would not do such actions as he had been working on these past few months ever again. Now that he could recognize the madness… that was enough of that.
Maybe he could use a spell to seal his feelings away for a while? But no, that would be the easy way out. It would also be embarrassing to admit to the other Sighted of the Nations why he had a spell sealing part of himself. No, instead he would perform and cleansing ritual and wipe away the last of the darkness clinging to him from his research before and hopefully the instability would go away and he would become better, and work at it, and not for the reason of one day hoping to become good enough for Mathew. No, he needed to become good enough just for him, but also for himself. He couldn't be the kind of person who would hurt another in the way he almost had, even with outside influences. He wouldn't be.
That was not who he wanted to be.
Yessss, I know this is short and honestly really out there and doesn't make sense due to the length. Not really finished it yet, but wanted it off my desk. I honestly have no real idea what to do to fix this up ma peps, any thoughts?
Hugs and wuvs
North of the North