Waves.
It should be calming; the steady push and pull, the evening sunset glinting off of them as they washed across the shore, leaving remnants of shells scattered in the sand like some elaborate scavenger hunt.
But it wasn't. It made her feel on edge, even when she was around the people she cared about most. The ocean brought back a past that she had tried so damn hard to separate from.
Pulling her under, dark red water obscuring her vision, and she was crying, crying so loud that she couldn't even think.
"Lapis?" Peridot whispered, "you okay?"
The smaller girl placed a hand on her shoulder, which brought Lapis some semblance of comfort. But the memories were too ingrained, anchored into the deepest recesses of her mind that she couldn't escape -
"Y-Yeah, I'm just gonna head back to the house," she attempted a small smile, and judging by Peridot's look of concern, it probably came out as a grimace, "see ya."
She tried not to wince as the smaller girl's hand slipped off her shoulder.
—
She couldn't give in. After all she gave up. After everything.
Lapis knew it was stupid to come on this trip. But the (rarely) optimistic side of her convinced her that it was going to be okay. That all of this had passed, that she would feel nothing but sand in her hair and the salty wind whipping across her face; the ocean was her home.
But she could never go back. She promised she wouldn't. Only in hazy dreams and nightmares.
Mentally? It was already pushing it.
But sooner or later she was going to have to physically deal with it as well. She was lucky it didn't happen in fresh water, but now she was kinda fucked.
It wasn't her fault that Peridot had looked at her with the softest eyes, a shy tone of voice inviting her to this little excursion. She had accepted, with a nod and what she hoped was a reassuring smile, because Lapis knew if she had opened her mouth then it would've been a jumbled mess of words - topped off with a voice crack that rivalled an adolescent boy's.
It was kinda pathetic, now that she looked back on it, she was like some love-sick puppy.
Sighing, she flopped on her bed, duffel bag still unpacked for ease of use, trying to think of nothing.
—
Peridot felt very awkward.
Which wasn't out of the ordinary, unfortunately. Sitting on the beach in cargo shorts and a loose t-shirt, alone, while seeing everyone else laughing and dressed in suitable beach attire, well, it made her want to follow Lapis' decision to go in.
That want doubled when Pearl and Amethyst started up the romance train. Teasing and splashing each other, Amethyst jumping up out of the water for a kiss, knocking Pearl over into the waves with a triumphant laugh.
The stupid part of her wanted that with Lapis, in a way.
She groaned, lying back on her beach towel, wondering if the trip was going to be like this the whole damn time.
—
It's her.
The startling amber eyes, piercing through Lapis' soul as Mala cried softly on her chest.
Their native language sounded coarse and unpleasant when Jasper spoke, demanding Mala be given to her.
But Lapis held her tighter, shouting at her to leave, that she wasn't thinking clearly–
The she struck, the brute going for her neck, and she dropped Mala who was barely able to swim -
And she was screaming, screaming and using the water to bind the other girl to the wall, hands spasming.
Mala was crying, and Lapis felt her heart ripping apart because it took everything in her to hold Jasper back.
—
"Yo P-dot!" the voice was far off, and Peridot felt warm.
After a few seconds, she was shaken out of her sleep, disgruntled and annoyed.
"Peri, you're lucky you didn't burn - but now you ain't as pasty," she winked, and Peridot looked down, groaning.
She had tanned, not extremely so, but enough to where if she lifted up the short-sleeves there would be a noticeable line.
"I'm going in."
"C'mon Peri, we already lost Lapis, not another one," she said, overly dramatic, "not this soon!"
Peridot rolled her eyes, "You'll live."
"Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, Dot."
"That's a terrible nickname, Ames."
"Aww c'mon! You don't complain when Steven calls you that!"
"Steven…is well, Steven."
Amethyst pouted, but didn't object when Peridot moved past her, gathering her towel and heading to the house.
"Why'd we ever invite two beach bums to the beach, they don't know what they're missing…" Amethyst grumbled, heading back under the umbrella with Pearl.
—
Sleeping earlier probably wasn't the best idea.
Because now she was awake, in the dead of night, listening to the waves crash against the shore, trying not to think.
It was inevitable that she did, especially with all of the familiar smells and sounds inviting her back in, back to her origins.
She tried to focus on Peridot's breathing, the soft snores that popped up every few moments - wanting to lay next to her and hear her heartbeat, the warmth, the domesticity -
Lapis got up, shaking her head, and left quietly.
—
Her connection to the ocean was stronger at night, as the moon pulled her in, she could almost taste the elevated power she had that night.
Just a taste.
She made it to the water, shaking, hand spasming as she reached out.
Kneeling down, Lapis felt it; fingertips becoming slightly more pointed, hand growing webs up to her second knuckle, patches of blue scales protecting the back and sides of her hand. It's been awhile since she's seen them, and she cursed herself for wanting that back.
She ripped her arm out of the sea, hissing in her native language, recognizing the wetness on her cheeks as tears; pouring out of her, choking her, glassy eyes struggling to close.
Memories flooded her system, bright and so vibrant it made her go blind, hurting her with their renewed intensity. She felt sickeningly revitalized, but also the most brittle she had ever felt.
She couldn't think.
"Lapis?" she heard faintly, then a closer, much more frantic, "Lapis!"
"Peri," she slurred, vaguely aware of her surroundings, "heyyy,"
Her mind was almost drunken with the introduction of sea water, and her skin felt tight. The memories were now nonsense; too many overloaded her brain, turning them into flashes of colors and light that where incomprehensible.
Then, her mind cleared, opening up her vision to the stars, then to the woman holding her.
She looked so beautiful, the moon played off the shadows of her face, blonde locks turning silver, the curve of her lips much closer, just a short breath away…
Lapis' chest shot up like she was being electrocuted, turning on her side to cough up water, banging her fist against the shore.
"Lapis!" the shorter girl shouted, feeling useless as she gripped the other's shoulder, sprawled out by her side.
She was coughing hard, body wracking violently as Peridot tried to help in any way she could. Thankfully, as the moments passed, they were getting less and less intense, until she rolled back over onto her back, breathing heavily.
"Are you okay?" Peridot asked, frantic, leaning over her, checking her person for any signs of injury.
Lapis couldn't speak, hand lying limp at her side, showcasing the navy blue scales that clung to her skin tightly with an uncomfortable amount of strength.
"Your hand, i-it's…" she didn't finish, but instead reached out for Lapis' wrist.
The older weakly pulled her hand away from Peridot, curling around her other for protection.
"Lapis, let me see. You might be hurt or, or - "
"No." she felt like a child, "I'm fine."
"You're clearly not."
Peridot pulled both of her hands apart, eyes widening as she saw her hand up close.
"Wh–What is this?" she whispered, astonishment (and a tinge of horror, which made Lapis' chest hurt) clouding her voice.
"Who - What are you?"
It stuck with her. Anchoring into her mind, stealing her focus, making her mouth go numb. And for a second, she was afraid.
Then she could speak again.
"I'm still Lapis, this - this doesn't change anything," she said quickly, stumbling over herself, feeling defensive. Her demeanor softened as she stared back out at the sea, and her tone became quiet and almost wistful, "I'm still me."
A reflective silence settled over them, both looking in themselves and blocking out the material world; Lapis could barely hear the waves anymore, and Peridot felt her heartbeat a little too intensely.
It was broken not long after by the the latter, who opened her palm and posed a question.
"Can I see? More…more clearly, I mean," although she tried to hide it, Lapis could sense the underlying wariness in the blonde's voice, and she understood that that question was a little more than surface level.
It was a test, to see if it really was her, a show of trust and vulnerability between them, underneath the stars, and so, so close to Lapis' past.
The older girl steeled herself, bringing her hand up slowly as if asking for a dance, and Peridot took it, examining the intricacies with utmost caution, and Lapis looked away.
It felt too intimate; Peridot's hand ghosting across her scales, lightly skimming the surface - it made Lapis stop breathing when the blonde interlocked their digits (without the hindrance of webbing, as that was usually the first to go), beckoning Lapis to look up with a small squeeze.
"Sorry," she said in a small voice, "I didn't mean to, uh, hurt you, as it were."
"'S okay, I…I didn't mean to scare you either," she reminded herself to breathe, because Peridot's thumb was caressing her own, and it sent little shivers up the back of her spine.
Peridot seemed to notice, and let go.
And if anyone asked, the reason the blonde's cheeks were darker was entirely the sun's fault.
"So, um…" Peridot was nudging the question, and being adorably awkward about it; looking anywhere but Lapis, focusing on where the sea met the sky, darting to the left, finally settling on the sand.
Lapis quelled the urge to cough, sat up straight, and tried to work up the nerve to answer.
"Mermaid. Or well, semi-human mermaid? I honestly forgot." It was the truth, looking that far back it became a little blurry on the details.
"Forgot? How?"
"It's been the better half of a century, and I wasn't a particularly good listener."
"Damn," she muttered, "Well, how long have you been human?"
"30 years maybe?"
"You don't look 30, like, at all."
"It's a good thing I don't look 147," Lapis said, "though having a senior discount would be a huge plus."
It was an attempt at a joke, although her tone seemed to timid and the frankly pitiful laugh at the end didn't help matters at all.
Peridot was uncharacteristically silent, shoulders hunching, fidgeting with the bottom of her sleep shirt.
"Peri?"
"It's just…nevermind," her voice was low, a murmur that could be swept away by a light breeze, and it felt tired, "It's cold. We should probably head back inside."
"No. Whatever's bothering you can stay on this beach," Lapis said pointedly, "don't bring it back with you, especially if it has to do with tonight."
"You'll outlive us." she blurted out, deflating and curling into herself as she said it, "You'll outlive me."
"Wait –"
"I-It's selfish, I know, but," she stammered, "god, I don't fucking know. I want you to stay and - and these feelings -"
Peridot cut herself short, worried more insecurities and stupid, stupid thoughts would cloud her speech, but the damage (or so she thought) had already been done.
Lapis was reeling, did she mean?
Was she even ready for this?
After Jasper?
After what they did to each other?
"O-Oh," Lapis' brain was, uh, not in at the moment, please leave a message at the door.
"Wait, I mean -" Peridot stumbled over herself, "shit."
Lapis' mind was overloading - there was too many things to process at once that she couldn't.
"I don't…go, not, not if I stay human."
It was almost blasé, the way she said it. Barely any hint of emotion, and it made her wince internally. She didn't mean to sound so distant and uncaring. She hated that her mind's natural reaction was to shut down; she needed to feel.
"Why would you want to?" Peridot's voice sounded so fuzzy, it took a few moments to process what she was asking, and how to truthfully respond without becoming lightheaded.
"I…can't go back."
And as if she was suddenly terrified of the water, she scrambled to get her footing in the sand, eyes wide and unfocused, looking straight through everything.
The, without a word, she sprinted back to the beach house, slamming the door loudly.
Peridot winced, chasing after the girl.
This wasn't going to be a very relaxing trip.
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