A/N: May we (lar-ton and ral-edge, partners in crime) state for the record that we are NOT, hard core porn writers. Although the following story may contain moments of slight slash, we apoligse for not being able to write them in a vivid, slightly pervy way as we are too pure and innocent. May we also thank everyone out there who is able to write the dirty stuff! You make the world go round. Thanks for your sympathy!
Disclaimer: We do not own any of these wonderful characters (although we wish we did!) Except for, Liam (who will be launching a successful music career) and Rachael (who has joined a monastery as a nun). We also own the 'Alter U' program, however we do not own any other technology mentioned. Thank You. Enjoy!
Lister's hand sneaked out from under his duvet, and fumbled around for the buzzing alarm clock, knocking over a half empty can of larger and other paraphernalia in the process. His fingers finally closed round the smooth plastic of the regulation alarm clock, he groaned and threw it as hard as he could at the wall where it smashed into a thousand pieces that scattered across the floor.
Lister gave a self-satisfied sigh, and turned over. His lie-in was disrupted by something even more irritating then a ringing alarm clock. Something that made Lister want to beat himself unconscious with a crow bar.
It was the voice of Arnold J. Rimmer
"That's the 5th alarm clock you've gone through this month, it's your fault my pay packet is so small! My taxes are being wasted because you buy a new alarm more often then a page 3 girl removes her bra!" snapped Rimmer,
Lister cursed and pulled the thin, flimsy pillow round his head in desperation to block out the noise, but still Rimmer's irritating; suicide-inducing voice rang in Lister's ears.
When he could finally take it no more, he sat up, hurled the pillow at Rimmer's head, missing it be 3 feet, and shouted "Well good news for and your smeggin taxes, I don't need a friggin alarm clock with you waking me up every morning. You've got a voice that could drive a deaf man to suicide!"
"Well someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning" said Rimmer, "you really should try to control your anger more, you'd make more friends and you'd get noticed by women, and it won't be the smell that made them notice you!"
"Rimmer smeg off" Lister muttered, regretting throwing the pillow at Rimmer, he could have used it as a pair of unorthodox earmuffs.
"Wow!" laughed Rimmer, taking care to use his most sarcastic voice, "And there I was thinking you never put any thought into your insults whatsoever, well you've proved me wrong!"
Lister bit his lip, hard enough for it to bleed; to stop himself pummeling Rimmer round the head with some random object and instead buried his head under the duvet in the hope this was a horrible nightmare and that he'd wake up and Rimmer would be quiet, shy person who never felt it necessary to air his opinions. Rimmer however, oblivious to this action continued talking, "Anyway, Listy Thought you might want to get up, the posts arrived, maybe it certifies that your actually a human being!" he said with a sneer and a twisted smile.
Lister stayed still for a few moments, counting in his head, '28 day delivery. How many days now? 25, 26, 27- 28!'
Lister sprang out of the bunk and restled Rimmer, "Gimme" Rimmer glared at him with contempt before handing him a thick brown envelope and turning secretively back to his locker. Lister was about to rip the envelope open when he noticed Rimmer was struggling with a wad of paper which didn't seem to be co-operating with him. Lister grinned, "More rejection letters Rimmer?"
Rimmer turned to glare at him, "I'll have you know that the publishers are very interested in my report on Nineteenth Century Vending Machines!"
Lister rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'm sure. That's why they wrote to you saying, that the paper was the softest ever to grace their bottoms, and where could they get more of it from."
Rimmer snapped his locker door shut and frowned sadly at Lister before storming into the bathroom. For a moment, Lister felt a little guilty at causing Rimmer to get so upset, but then he remembered this was Rimmer they were talking about, and laughed; before ripping open the envelope and tipping the contents onto the table.
Out dropped a large reference manual, an earpiece and a hologramatic unit.
Lister smilied slightly at seeing this "Bru-tul, it's arrived" Lister picked up the manual, whistled at it's excessive weight and dropped it back down on the table, hardly giving it a second glance. This would later prove to be a major, major mistake.
He picked up the ear piece and examined it carefully, before setting it down and pressing play on the hologramatic unit, a light protection of a woman then started talking in random technical jargon, Lister grimaced and pressed fast forward until he got to a good bit,
"-In conclusion the game 'Alter U' allows you to become a different person for 24 hours, the game creates a new, image/personality/voice/past/ and other human elements. You still ultimately have control over your thoughts and actions, however the game enables you to see things from your characters perspective and guides you to making a decision similar to that of your character. Happy Alter-U-ing!"
The woman grinned before disappearing and a choice menu appeared. Lister grinned, "Ye-es!"
his finger hovered near the hologramtic projection, unsure of what to do, several buttons flashed and flickered "Start Game" "exit" and "Help" he pushed his finger onto the "start Game button" and was mildly surprised when his finger didn't move through the choice menu, but the button flashed green and the screen melted onto a page that resembled some kind of catalogue.
There were rows and rows of people, men, women, big, small, blonde, brunettes, every kind of person imaginable. Lister began absent mindedly chewing his finger nails as he surveyed the people, with just one push of a button, he could become any one of them, for 24 hours. It was tough, it was like trying to decide what to have on an incredibly packed menu, you think you'd have seen the perfect one, then you see a type that's even better. Lister's brain was beginning to hurt; it always did when he was forced to make tough decisions. He closed his eyes and began to use his fool proof method that rarely failed.
"Ip, dip, doo-"
Lister gently eased open his eyes, and let out a grateful sighHe gazed into the mirror at 'Liam' he was suavely good looking with a slightly disheveled appearance. Lister ran his fingers through his hair, Liam did the same. Lister grinned, so did Liam; "Bru- smeggin- tal!" As Lister said this he saw Liam's mouth move too and heard a voice that wasn't his own say the same.
Lister gave Liam one last grin, to get a proper look at his new body. He stepped back away from the mirror and glanced in the mirror. Liam was tall, about a foot taller then Lister. He had light brown hair that was lovingly sculptured into spikes; bright blue eyes, and a movie star smile. Lister touched his, well Liams shirt, and was amazed as he felt the soft fabric beneath his fingers. Liam was wearing an ice blue shirt, and a pair of Levis Lister had seen twice in a shop, and knew that they cost more then his AND Rimmer's yearly salaries put together. Lister couldn't help it; he slid his hand down Liam's arm, amazed by the muscles that were concealed underneath the shirt. Lister tugged up Liam's shirt, and let out an involuntary gasp at the sight of his taught, flat 6 pack stomach. Lister couldn't help feeling a little jealous, as Liam stared back at him, with his rippling muscles, perfect hair, and expensive jeans.
Lister shrugged the feeling off and winked at the mirror, grinning. All of a sudden he felt the urge to apply hair products and to brush his teeth. He turned towards the bathroom, before remembering Rimmer was in there. Oh god. Rimmer was in there- If he came out now he'd see him, well Liam; he'd freak, thinking he'd broken in or something. Suddenly his thoughts were brought back to reality as he heard a crash and a surprisingly high pitched screech from behind the door- even for Rimmer. Panicking slightly he grabbed some money from his locker and quickly left the room, plastering a grin on as he went.
If he'd stuck around for one minute longer he would have seen a petite blond peer out from behind the bathroom door and squeal in relief.