"You were there." The words slipped out of my mouth without my permission.
His face twisted with confusion. He was sitting across from me, on the floor while I was curled up on the couch. I assume Hakase sent him in. I hadn't moved all day.
It was a kind of day where nightmares had gripped me in my sleep, and where they lurked behind my eyelids. I don't know how long I've been here. All I could think, when he came in, blabbering on about getting up and how I'm a scientist and I always lecture Hakase on being healthy, was that he was there.
Of course, eventually, he figured being funny and lighthearted and annoying wasn't going to work today. He probably hadn't really seen me like this. It was foolish of me to leave the door unlocked, but honestly, I hadn't thought of it. I was locked in my mind and my body wasn't interested in moving to do those sorts of things.
"I was where?" He finally asked, clearly confused and maybe a tad annoyed. I had ignored him for quite some time at this point. I took in a shaky breath.
"You were there. You heard her last words. You were the last person she saw." I felt the warmth of tears making their way down my face. I hated crying. I hated crying in front of others - especially him. But yet it was probably only him who I could let this close.
"...Akemi-san, your sister?" He asked, quietly. His face turned much more solemn. I could only shift slightly, saying anything else would cause more of a flood to come. But I could feel it - some strange sense of resentment and jealousy that I had buried - it was rising to the top. It wasn't something we ever discussed. I didn't bring it up, and he never did, either.
I felt my body began to shake and heard a mangled cry - a wail, something that sounded awful and distraught. Oh. That was me.
"I didn't get to say goodbye. You- you could've saved her. Even then, you - why you? Why did you get to say goodbye to her? Why did you get to be there at the end? I wasn't- I couldn't-" My words failed to make much sense after that, the dark thoughts I had only let up once after seeing this detective's capabilities returning with force.
"Haibara..." I barely heard through my sobbing. It felt like the depths of my being were ripping out of me. I couldn't stop, and all I could see behind my pressed eyelids were images of my sister, precious memories that I replayed to my own detriment to avoid forgetting any part of her.
Including the newspaper image of the boy with glasses in the background.
I then felt warmth and pressure - the feeling of... a hug. He was no longer across from me - he was holding onto me. He gently placed his hand on my head. Conflicted emotions stirred in me. First was a flood of anger. How dare he? Wasn't this his fault?
I began to press back against him, to break his embrace. But he held steady, and another wail tore from my vocal chords.
I felt the guilt. That somehow this annoying guy had ended up there with my sister, and I had no idea. I had no idea that she put herself at risk for me. I had no idea that Gin had left to go harm her - to end her life.
If I had just paid more attention, if I just did a better job as a sister... it should have been me.
"It should have been me." I whispered, now my voice much quieter than the screaming I had just done at him. I was still shaking, but felt weak now, like somehow everything had left my body. He didn't retort, just held me a little tighter.
It should have been me.