Until Next Year …

He tried to ease out the bed quietly, but the very first movement had his wife stirring in her sleep. He lay still, barely breathing, he didn't want to wake her, hurt her. All was silent and he moved gently again. With her eyes tightly shut, she murmured "You big oaf – I know what today is. Go, it's getting light now" and a faint smile sleepily touched her lips.

He looked down in wonder, how had he got so lucky twice in a lifetime? Leaning forward, he brushed her red tangles off her forehead and gently kissed her before getting up and dressed. As he was about to leave the room, he heard her sleepy voice call out
"Hey Alex … tell Claire hi from me too huh?"
He nodded, his throat tight with emotion and then left the house quietly so as not to wake the children and slipped downstairs and out to the stables.

Saddling a quiet horse, for he knew he couldn't handle his favourite spirited one in his present frame of mind, he leaned against the leather saddle, inhaling the scent deeply. The smell was so familiar; it instantly invoked a thousand memories of this place, this land and all the people who had crossed it.

Gathering his emotions in a tight bundle with one sharp breath, blinking rapidly to pre-empt any tears, he swung up and slowly started out the just as the sun's first rays hit the line of trees near the house, stopping only to cut 3 lilies as he did every year.

In a nearby homestead, the blonde woman crept down the passage, boots in hand and with a rueful smile, stepped wide of the infamous floorboard that had given away so many secrets already. She too slipped out the house as quietly as possible and saddling up her favourite horse, a white gentle steed whom she barely rode anymore due to his age, but she knew today was a fitting occasion to take him.

She cantered across the paddocks, savouring the sunrise – and smiled inwardly when she thought of all the times she had started her sentence with "Did I ever tell you about the sunrise at Drover's … " only to be laughed into silence by her city friends who had heard it time and time again. It was so true, there was something about this land that had captured a piece of her soul and she never felt fully complete unless she was home. As she come over the top of the last rise, she saw another horse tethered and a figure in the early morning light, she reined in abruptly and slowly circled back before she was seen, she knew this was one conversation she couldn't disturb.

As he reached his destination, he fluidly dismounted and tethered the reins. Reaching into the saddle pack, he grabbed the lilies he'd cut from back garden and walking up to the grave, he cleared his throat once, then again a second time before starting gruffly again
" Claire … ummm"
He stopped, swallowed hard and then tried again
" Claire, it's me. Been a while hey McLeod?"

He sat on his haunches, then, knowing he would be here a while, laid the lilies on the smooth marble and sat back, his long legs stretched in front of him as he shifted until he was comfortable – he knew how long these conversations took.

"So Claire, our little girl is 18 today – can you believe it? I'm getting bloody old, and I try damned hard not to fall off anything these days – it takes too long to get my bum off the ground afterwards".
He gave a sheepish chuckle as he imagined her response to that comment.
"You'd be so proud of Bom, Claire – she's turned out real good. She rides like her mother, despite me being the one to teach her to ride in the end. She has your beautiful eyes, your spirit – pity she can be as bloody blunt as you too at times!" he said with a rueful grin.
"Do you remember when Jodes thought she wasn't getting an 18th and we had the surprise party for her – we tried it with Charlotte but she cottoned on days ago already – smart kid! She gets her brains from me obviously. Tess and Steves tried hard though, you'd be impressed but Bom figured it out pretty quick"
He visibly started to relax, why had he thought this would be hard – he'd always been able to talk to her.

"I know you've been watching us from your star Claire, so you know how things are. I've been lucky, you know, more than I deserve I guess …."
He gave a self deprecating laugh
" Not a bad life for a root rat and Harry Ryan's son to boot!"
Giving his head a little shake, he continued
"I knew I should have come here before I married Fiona, I reckon you'd have given me one of Tess's stupid signs somehow – maybe a slap upside the head? After all the lies and bullshit, I was pretty cut up, more to see my dreams die than anything else. Can't believe Stevie hung in there – she knows I loved you, this life and the next, but I finally realised that I could be happy twice in a lifetime, and I do you know Claire, I do love her"

He swallowed against the tears beginning to choke him again and took a deep breath before continuing,
"The kids are growing up fast – Bom treats them like brothers and sisters. Lulu thinks the sun shines out of Charlotte and follows her everywhere – not so great when you're 18 and your 12 year old kid sister is spoiling all your fun !! Matt is a little thug – Steves has a lot to say about where he gets that from, but I'm telling you it's her side of the family. Rose is getting married soon – thank God he's no ponce in a suit but he is the new vet – Nick reckons we'll get family discount!"

He leaned over and touched the headstone, gently tracing the black lettering that was slowing fading to charcoal, and despite all his promises to himself, one tear slipped down his cheek.
"We all wish you were here Claire, it's her 18th – she's a young woman now and it's a whole lifetime already since we lost you. We miss you but you'd be proud – we're all doing ok, more than ok really. The first sip of beer tonight will be just for you McLeod"
As he clumsily swiped at tears and got to his feet he whispered softly
"See you next year"

As she watched Alex ride off, Tess moved Oscar slowly towards the tombstones in their little white fenced area. Tying him up, she took her offering out the saddlebag and stepped over the wire – she walked past the names that meant so much to her and stopped in front of Claire's headstone. Tears were already running unchecked down her cheeks, and she leant forward and placed the tiny lantern with the candle next to Alex's lilies. Reaching into her pocket she took out the matches and lit the tiny candle and swung shut the lantern door.
"Oh Claire " She said, her voice trembling and breaking.
"Nick made the lantern, he said you'd be scared of the paddocks catching fire if I bought just the candle"
"I see Alex was here before me – you did well in your choice there, he's been an amazing godfather you know"
"Oh Claire, I still miss you" she whispered brokenly, "You should be here to see Bom today – she's so beautiful and she's so like you and Pru."
She stopped and wiped hastily at the falling tears, running in hot streams down her face. Gulping for air, she continued,
"We tried to do a surprise party but the little minx figured it all out. She's happy though, Claire. I think the years with Peter & Julia were hard for her, and it was all such a mess when Nick and I got back from Argentina but once she was home on Drovers she really healed – she's such a McLeod. She surrounds herself with all her family – and there's quite a few of us now! She's done well at school and of course she's the most amazing rider – she spent this last summer working with Riley and he reckons she's a born whisperer too. "
Tess gave a chuckle before adding
"The only thing now is to figure who gets her working on their property – we want her on Drovers, Alex wants her on Killarney, Rob wants her on Wilgul and Riley wants her on the training program ! Harry Ryan would be so up himself to see his first grandchild, as he loved to call her, having the run of all the properties he wanted. She's so wise for her age though Claire, she's much more together than you or I were. I don't mind where she ends up, she'll make the right choice I know"
She sighed and stretched out trembling fingers to touch Claire's name.
" I have to get going – your namesake will have the whole house up in a minute, she definitely takes after her aunt when it comes to being a morning person, and I want to be there when Bom wakes up too. I miss you and I'll wish on our stars tonight, I know you'll be watching us as your beautiful daughter turns 18!"
She dusted off her trousers and with one final look over her shoulder she walked back to Oscar
"Bye Claire, see you next year"

Charlotte Prudence McLeod watched her aunt ride off back to the homestead before easing her horse out from behind the trees and cantering slowly up the grave site. She swung down gracefully and quickly tied the reins. Reaching into her saddle bag she took out the contents and walked across to her mother's grave.

"Hi mum, it's me, Bom"
She was emotional and her voice was husky but she knew she wouldn't cry easily – she was her mother's daughter for sure.
"I see Alex and Auntie Tess beat me to it this morning – sorry, I slept in a bit. Now, I don't know what they've been telling you but I promise you, I have been good this year! My grades were ok, and school was fine but I can't wait to start working. I am still deciding where – it's hard you know. Alex and Auntie Steves are pretty sorted with Killarney – although of course Auntie Steves still runs the horses with Riley. Uncle Nick and Auntie Tess are doing really good with the organics on Drovers but I am just not sure if all that hippy stuff is really me, you know? Rob and Jodes have really made a go of Wilgul, you wouldn't recognise it but Jodes is more like a big sister to me than my aunt and I don't reckon I'd take it too well when she keeps giving me trough duty ! Riley and Reagan live at the new place and I think maybe I want to work with Riley and do the horses mum – I just feel something inside of me each time a horse is ready to ride and I know I haven't broken it's spirit. I'll have to live at Drovers though – can't have the place over run with Ryans now can we ?" she ended laughingly.

She brushed her long brunette hair back under her hat and focused her eyes fiercely on the tombstone as if it were her mother's face.
"I don't have to decide today anyway – I'm having a party – it's going to be so cool ! Jodes and Auntie Tess are great at organising that but I know Auntie Stevie will have got me the best boots and hat ever and helped Alex persuade Riley to give me one of the horses !!"
"They think I don't know about the pressies but they are so easy to read !! " She chuckled cheerfully "it's cos they love me though. "

Charlotte's smile faded and her voice dropped to a quiet whisper" I think Peter will want to speak to me today. I hate having to talk to him you know, I can't even call him Dad anymore. Ever since Julia found out he was having more affairs, he's been real bitter – I think it's because I look like you – everyone says I am the spitting image of you and I have to say our photo's look the same – apart from your jeans, mum! It was hard living there once Auntie Tess and Uncle Nick left for Argentina, once Peter started his affairs, Natalie and Alana just blamed me for everything and poor Julia had no idea what was going on. I was real glad when Alex and Auntie Stevie kidnapped me. Uncle Nick wasn't though – he said they were bloody stupid and irresponsible, but they just did it because they wanted what was best for me – and neither of them are very patient! Alex's dad – you know the ponce in the suit – he sorted out the custody case to make sure I belong half to Alex and half to Auntie Tess. Jodes just says I belong to Drovers Run, she says I have the spirit of the brumbies in me. Peter still phones though and I have to talk to him, I know he does love me in his own strange way but I think of Alex as my dad now. "

She smiled again as happier thoughts raced through her mind
"Mum, it's different now – I have lots of family! Alex and Auntie Steves have got Rosie who's getting married soon and she has said I can be bridesmaid ! Then there's Lulu – she was named after you too, they couldn't call her Claire cos Auntie Tess had already had Claire Ruth, so they called her Louise and we just call her Lulu. Matt is 10 and he's the quiet one – I think he's more like Uncle Nick in character than Alex really – but he looks just like Alex. Uncle Nick and Auntie Tess had Claire in Argentina and we all say that's why she can dance like a Latino! Jack was born on Drovers Run too – but not in the paddock like me! Rob and Jodes have got Anna, she's the image of Jodes and they named her after Rob's first wife who died before. Anna's a cutie and I love babysitting there. Riley and Reagan took ages to get together but they're married now and have little Michael, he's tiny still. I just want you to know that I am loved and looked after Mum – I am very lucky, everyone who loved you very much has a special place for me and I live here, on the same land as you and it's where I am meant to be."

She fought the emotions that ran through her, showing like a screen play across her beautiful features.
"Mum, I'd better go, Auntie Tess will be looking for me but I love you and I'll look for you in the stars tonight. "

She took out the photo and placed it under the lantern – it was of everyone at Christmas lunch on the Drover's veranda taken last year.
"We all miss you"

Standing up she smiled gently and said "I'll be back before next year"

Later that evening, as the music played and laughter spilled out the shed into the breeze, Alex, Tess & Charlotte stood outside, arms around each other and raised their glasses, smiling up at the stars and said "Cheers Claire" before laughing slightly self consciously and walking into the party.