It was a cool crisp evening in Central, a perfect night for lying on your back and looking up at the stars, contemplating your existence. It was a beautiful twilight, though Father and the Homunculi were not witnessing this transient wonder. They were underground, in Father's lair, and they were bickering like common bitches...even the great Father couldn't stop them.

"For the last time, why did you dip into my private funds to go on a miniskirt shopping spree!" Lust yelled at Envy, throwing a priceless vase in his direction.

The cross-dressing palm tree ducked, and the ceramic piece hit Sloth, who was oblivious to it. "Well, excuse me, Ultimate Lance, or should I say Ultimate Bitch,"

Lust let out a garbled scream of rage and proceeded to attack Envy with all her strength.

Meanwhile, Gluttony was eating up Greed's private stash of cupcakes and adult magazines. Greed had on a strange expression - it looked like he was half crying and half exploding in rage.

"GLUTTONY, YOU EAT TOO MUCH!" He cried, dabbing at his eyes with a silk handkerchief. "NO, NO, NO, GET AWAY FROM THAT! IT'S A FIRST EDITION AND IT'S ALL MINE!"

Off in a corner, Wrath was lecturing Pride.

"You didn't clean your room, you came back from school with a C, and you couldn't manage to kill your mother. I'm ashamed to call you my son, and even though you aren't my real son, I will call you my son anyways, because that single reason will allow me to scold you until you become a pitiful emo cutter-"

"Fuck off, pops," said Pride. "Anyways, it just so happens that Mom warms my bedtime milk up just right, and I wouldn't kill her for all the warm milk in the world,"

Wrath seethed in anger. All the veins in his face popped out, causing his eye-patch to pop off. He glared at Pride, his urge to kill becoming greater by the second.

Seated on his throne, Father watched and became angrier by the moment. There certainly was a feeling of wrath in the environment. All his hoes were not doing his bidding, and that fact made him very, very mad.

"ALL OF YOU!" He suddenly screamed, his throat becoming hoarse from the effort. The room became quiet instantly, and all seven Homunculi turned to look at their creator.

"Now, there's a little problem," said Father, wearing an smile that bordered on the brink of insanity. "We have no money,"

The room burst back into chaos, with six-way conversations going on. Sloth picked his nose, still calm.

"QUIET!" yelled Father, and everyone was brought back to attention. "We've tried to save money, but it never works. You idiots manage to spend faster than you save, it's a wonder we're not up to our ears in debt," He stared down all the Homunculi, who whimpered in succession as they fell under the piercing gaze.

"So, I have a idea," He continued. "Since all of our innocent and PG ways of earning money have failed miserably, I think we should take a different route. All of you...will become prostitutes, working the streets and at the strip club I run,"

"You run a strip club?" asked Pride, his childlike innocence dissolving faster than Alka-Seltzer.

"Duh," Father turned back to the others. "So. You all will need to come up with code-names, lest there are big mouthed people who live only to spread gossip. It'll be better for you anyways, I'm sure that you wouldn't want such promiscuous talk being spread about you,"

He consulted his Homunculus time telling powers. "There are 18 more hours until I open up my strip club for tonight. You have that amount of time to come up with code-names and learn the basics of prostitution. A lot can be learned on the job, so take every minute of customer service as a learning opportunity. Get to it!" Father used his Philosopher's Stone to disappear into the ground, and then the room was silent.

"OMG WTF" were the first words that broke the silence. "People drink beer and man milk at strip clubs, and that stuff might get on my miniskirt!"

"Shut up, Envy," said Lust, examining her fingernails.

"Ah, there'll be a lot of women at these strip club places, and you know I always want more women," mused Greed.

"And it says in the official military Code of Conduct handbook that soldiers aren't allowed to go to strip clubs on weekdays...maybe I can weed out a couple of the malefactors and pwn them," exclaimed Wrath.

"Man milk?" Gluttony suddenly said, feeling his tongue tingle at the very words.

"Hmmm, I can't wait to tell my classmates about this, and I haven't even done anything of that sort yet,"

"...so troublesome,"

Lust ignored Sloth. "Father's been a jerk sometimes, but I think this will be pretty fun. Is everyone in?"

"Yeah,"

"Yup,"

"Uh huh,"

"Totally,"

"Yes,"

"...sleepy,"

The homunculi arranged themselves into a circle and brought their hands into the center. With a cheer, they threw their arms up, and the unofficial agreement had been sealed.

"Now, for names," All seven assumed the "Thinker" pose, and began to root around in their heads for names that would suit the purpose they were meant to fill.

AN: Yeah, I've never been to a strip club...so the following chapters shall document a strip club of overblown stereotypical proportions. OK? OK. And this story is crack. Ultra Deluxe Crack. You might have figured that out by now.