Allison's soft grey eyes looked into me. Into my heart. Into my soul. The corners of my eyes burned with tears at the thought. I was deceiving myself. I knew what she felt. It was nothing like this. It never would be. And I knew it. I forced a smile and saw her eyes brighten.
"Thanks dear. I'm glad you understand."
Normally these words would have washed over me, blanketing my fragile body, keeping me warm. But I could see through the lies she'd led me to believe. It was all a fairytale. Just a fleeting glance of something better that leaves you hopelessly searching for something you'll never find. I was stupid. I nodded and smiled and waved at her as she walked away, her words falling on deaf ears. Defeated, I stumbled to my truck and jammed the key into the ignition. Kayleigh was waiting for me. As she climbed in his truck, I almost lost it. Almost. She silently slid over hugged me around the waist. She always knew when something was wrong, even if no one else did. She was strange like that.
"Maybe it's better.. if I drive? Please?"
I lifelessly relented to her warm touch on my hand and slid over so she could drive. She started the car and rubbed my back.
"You're cold..." She murmured into my ear. I didn't care. She gently reached a hand up to turn on the heater and aimed the vents at my chest. As I buried my face in her shoulder, tears streamed out of my eyes. I didn't know where she was taking me. I just hoped it was somewhere away from here. Away from everyone. My eyes slid open a fraction of a second when lightning flashed, but they remained closed after that. A sweet cacophony of thunder pounded in my ears, but still the tears came. I looked up as I heard the car become quiet. Kayleigh cradled my soaking wet cheek with her hands and kissed it softly.
"It's gonna be okay. I promise Chris."
"…Where are we.." I whispered into Kayleigh's shoulder as she cradled me again.
"Home. Your safe here. Come one, let's go.." She didn't finish the sentence as she entwined our fingers and pulled open the door. My vision was blurry from the tears, as she led me down paved sidewalks, flinching every time it thundered. As she hurried me inside, I couldn't do anything but think about what I'd lost. That I'd never be the same. How much I trusted her..and how much I wanted to die.
Kayleigh led me up the cold, wet steps into her apartment. She gently set me down on the couch and started removing my wet clothes while they clung to me in protest. I started to object. I didn't care if she saw me naked, but I couldn't let her see my shoulder. I don't want her to see my scars, remembering the nights I cried alone in the dark, ripping open my shoulder with a knife just to stay in control. I don't want her to see my pain. I don't want anyone too. But another series of sobs wracked my body as she softly slid my shirt off my chest and I knew I'd lost. I heard her gasp; I knew it was coming. I managed to glance at her; saw how pale she had gotten, how tight her jaw was; how hurt and broken her eyes seemed as they gazed into mine. I broke away, not being able to stand everything her eyes shouted at me. Liar. Wimp. Traitor. But instead of speaking to me, she simply removed the rest of my clothing and bundled my ice cold body with blankets. The last thing I remembered was her talking to me in a soothing voice and stroking my hair as I collapsed into a world of nightmares.
They were many of them. They were never very long, each implying a different message. In one of them, I was running through a room full of people trying to find Allison. But instead, I found myself alone in the dark. I knew Allison would never look for me. She didn't care.
In another, our roles were reversed and she was crying out for me in anguish, begging me to come back. I held her closer that I thought possible and told her it was gonna be okay; that I was here and nothing could hurt her. But when I looked into her eyes, I knew she had changed. They were hard. Cold. She shoved me away and started screaming at me that this was all my fault. She took out a knife to stab me, but as soon as the tip sliced my wrist, she dissolved to dust blowing away with the wind.
When I woke up, I cried. It seemed I was always crying these days. Kayleigh heard me and when she came in she froze. It seemed like she was paralyzed by the tears on my face, wanting them to go away, but also wanting them to stay. I'd already made the choice when I slipped out my knife. In full view of Kayleigh, I started carving into my arm again, crying out and writhing with the pain. As each new wave hit me, I felt more and more in control. This was how it was meant to be. I felt the blood as it ran down my arm, staining the carpet. I heard her scream. But I still pressed, deeper and deeper screaming out in pain. I wanted this. I chose this. She thrust the knife out of my hand, holding her hand against the cuts as if she was stopping the blood from flowing. As if she could get all the blood that was in pools on the floor back to where it belonged. I wept quietly now, just feeling the hot tears run down my face. This is what it felt like to have your heart ripped out. Good to know.
Kayleigh ran into the kitchen and after grabbing a first aid kit, started bandaging my cuts. I just sat there, blind to the world, as my emotion attack slowed to a halt. I felt empty. Hollowed out. Like I'd been living a lie. Which was in part, true.
As she finished, she gently massaged my back and kissed my cheeks where my tears were still slowly creeping down.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Her words were softly spoken, the pain evident in her voice.
"It wasn't my secret to give," I manage to say and as I do, I lean against her. She reached up a pale hand and placed it on my cheek. Instinctively, I moaned; the feeling of her cool hand against my burning cheek was just what I needed. And then we were squirming, wrapping our arms around each other and her cool body gently pressing against my burning hot one. I asked her to stay there with me until I fell asleep. She wordlessly complied, gently stroking my cheek with her fingers. But I knew this was wrong. I started to cry again, wishing it was Allison, wishing I could die and end both our pain, wishing we'd never met. But it was too late.
"I thought that you said this would be easy?" I cried out weakly as I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness.
"What's inside of me, what have I done? Is this the only way that you'll notice me? When will you see, it's not so easy for me? Dead words for closed ears, all this was sung for you!"
I crashed into blackness, crying harder trying to let go. I never want to wake up, to face this pain. But I knew it was the right thing to do.