Disclaimer: This is unbeta-ed slashfic. This means that it contains characters owned by Paramount being used in unorthodox ways, possible copyright infringements, male/male sex implicit or explicit, and questionable punctuation. If any of the above offend you, read no further! You have been warned.
Tom, Harry and Chakotay are in their quarters having dinner and arguing over who has to perform a necessary domestic chore…
"I reckon we should make the Ensign do it, what do you think Lieutenant?"
"Absolutely, Commander. After all, he makes the least per hour, so his time is the least valuable."
"Hey, that's not fair! We agreed at the beginning that if this relationship was going to work, we would ALL leave rank at the door. It isn't fair that I get fingered for any job you two don't want to do."
"But they are such lovely musician's fingers, aren't they, Chak? What a waste for them to be playing only on the clarinet. I've got some better ideas for finger exercises…"
"Besides, I cleaned the bathroom the last TWO times…"
"Are you suggesting this is in any way similar to cleaning the bathroom?"
"No, I just meant that I get stuck with all the housework around here, and the last time *someone* was needed, *I* was the one who had to…"
"OK, OK! Calm down, Harry. I was only kidding. I really think Tom should do it."
"Yeah, he's a lazy bugger when it comes to housekeeping, he can make it up to us now."
"Wouldn't you rather I made it up to you in other ways…?"
"No. Chakotay, don't let him get away with it. He gets out of everything just because he gives such good head."
"Yeah, I do, don't I?"
"Boys, boys! Listen to me a moment. It makes logical sense – Tom does most of his day to day work sitting down, so he is the best choice."
"Excuse me? Who sits in the command chair all day reading reports and doing paperwork? If we're talking about who does the least physical exercise it sure isn't me!"
"Playing Captain Proton on the holodeck doesn't count, you know. Besides, I'm too old and as you say, not in good enough physical shape for it. I could have a heart attack or a stroke."
"So we're back to Harry – he's the youngest and quickest, in more ways than one…"
"Hey, not fair again! That's holding my age against me now, I call that discrimination!"
"So Harry, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Dunno Tom, are you thinking a game of stone, paper, scissors?"
"What? No! I was thinking a vote. There's three of us, so we're bound to get two votes for someone."
"Not necessarily, we might end up with one vote each."
"Shut up Chak, let's give it a try. We'll each write a name on a piece of paper, then pass the names one place to the left and read them out."
…
"I've got Tom."
"Harry."
"Chakotay. I can't *believe* you wrote me! I'm so obviously unsuited to such an undignified…"
"Shut it already – someone has to do it, and you're not getting out of it just because you're the oldest or highest ranked or whatever other excuse you pull out next."
"Maybe we need to a get an outside opinion? We could ask the Captain to arbitrate?"
"Harry, don't be ridiculous. The Captain has better things to do than mediate in our domestic disputes."
"Don't take that tone with me, Tom. At least I'm making positive suggestions instead of just going over the same old ground again and again."
"Actually Tom, Harry has a point."
"What, you want to ask the Captain for us?"
"Not the Captain particularly, but we could ask a third party."
"What, ask Tuvok for the most logical choice?"
"No, I was thinking of the EMH."
"Hmmm, you know Chakotay, that could actually work. We could erase his memory file afterwards."
"Tom!"
"What?"
"I meant we could ask him for his *professional* opinion as to who would be most suitable for such a physically strenuous task."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Bet he says Harry should do it…"
Later, in Sick Bay…
"Please state the nature of the… Good afternoon Commander, Lieutenant Paris, Ensign Kim. How can I help you gentlemen?"
"Well, this isn't exactly a medical emergency…"
"Thank you Lieutenant Paris, for once again stating the obvious. I'm a doctor, I'm not blind. I can see that there's no emergency, yet it must be something out of the ordinary to bring three senior bridge officers down here at once, in person. I hope there are no concerns for the Captain's health?"
"No, no. Our concerns are of a more personal nature."
"Can you keep a secret?"
"Ensign Kim, I resent any implication that I would violate patient confidentiality."
"He's never worked in Sick Bay, doc. He doesn't know you like I do."
"Nice to have a vote of confidence, but I would prefer it if one of you would just spit it out before I have to perform a Heimlich manoeuver on somebody."
"Well, doctor, as the senior officer perhaps I could ask you, on behalf of all three of us, to choose the best candidate…"
"…yes, Commander?"
"…um…Harry, you tell him."
"Ensign Kim, I order you to tell me!"
"You're a hologram, you can't order me around!"
"Fine, I'll do it. You two are both chickens and I'll deal with you later. Doc, what we want to know is which of us would be the best one to get pregnant."
"…!..."
"Sorry, gentlemen, your request took me by surprise. I'm the senior medical officer on this ship, but no-one tells me anything. I didn't realize you three were in a relationship."
"So, now you know, what do you think?"
"Mr Paris, this is not as simple as choosing a hypospray to help you sleep. But perhaps I should ask you one question which may influence my answer."
"Sure. You have access to our full medical records, but anything else you need to know, shoot."
"Have you decided who is going to be the mother?"
"Well, we figured the Captain is probably too old, B'Elanna is half Klingon, so we were thinking maybe Seven?"
"So far so good – has one of you actually approached her about this yet?"
"No, we wanted to settle first on who would carry the baby – don't you think Harry would be the best choice?"
"From a technical point of view, having the mother carry the baby to term would be the usual course. Was there a reason you didn't want Seven to do the whole deed, as well as provide the egg for you, assuming she agrees?"
"Well, all three of us are human, and we really wanted a fully human child. My medic's training may be pretty basic…"
"Appropriate modesty, Mr Paris? Somewhat unusual coming from you."
"As I was saying, even I know that if Seven were to carry a child to term her nanoprobes would infect the baby and make it part Borg."
"Essentially correct, Mr Paris. I'm glad to note that you were paying attention to at least some of my instruction given on your behalf."
"Yeah, doc, you're a gold mine."
"This will take some time, as I will have to go through your medical files in some detail. If the three of you could return to sick bay tomorrow evening I should have an answer for you. Since you are all Alpha Shift at the moment, why don't you come past at the end of the shift? Then two of you can celebrate with dinner, and the third can start taking antenatal vitamins."
"Gee, thanks Doc. I knew you would find some way of making this special for us."
"Get out, Mr Paris, and let me get on with reviewing your files before I prescribe a course of vitamins for *all* of you, just to keep each other company!"
The next day at 1700 in sick bay…
"Gentlemen, I'm glad to see you are all on time. Mr Paris, should I enter this rare event in my log, as it is not likely to ever be repeated?"
"Doc, just get on with it? We don't need a lecture, we want to know who you picked."
"Very well. Mr Paris, it seems congratulations are in order. When would you like to schedule your implantation?"
"What!? Me?? You were supposed to pick Harry! He's the youngest, fittest…"
"Ha! Now the truth comes out! You wanted it to be me all along."
"To be honest Harry, I had also assumed the EMH would nominate you as the most suitable. Perhaps the doctor could explain to us his reasoning…?"
"Only if Mr Paris can stand another of my *lectures* …"
"…"
"I didn't hear that Mr Paris."
"All *right* then, I said: I'm sorry, and will you please explain to us why the hell you didn't pick Harry?"
"I take it none of you are aware that Mr Kim has a multiplex renal vasculature?"
"Oh my God, am I gonna *die*?"
"Calm down, Mr Kim. This is not of any significance to you, and I expect you to live a normal lifespan, if you survive cohabiting with a pregnant and hormonal Mr Paris."
"Yeah, yeah, can we cut it with the pregnancy jokes already? I haven't said I'll do it, you know."
"As I was saying, this is not of medical significance to the function of Mr Kim's body, however, it does mean that a pregnancy is impossible in him, for technical reasons. The blood flow requirements through his abdomen are not sufficient to sustain a pregnancy."
"What about me?"
"Commander, although you *could* carry a pregnancy if there were no other choice, you are by far a less optimal choice than Mr Paris, who is younger and leaner."
"My husband is *not* fat! Look at those abs! That's all muscle I'll have you know…"
"Tom, stop pulling my shirt up. I'm sure the doctor knows what he's talking about."
"Lieutenant, I did not mean any insult to the Commander. But certain body types are technically preferable for an artificial pregnancy, and those "abs" you are referring to, although very muscular and not at all fat, would make my job more difficult."
"So now you're saying I'm a good choice because I'm not *built* enough?"
"Your body type is nearly ideal. Even if Harry had completely normal blood vessels you might still have beaten him to the candidacy."
"Tom, I'll still do it if you really don't want to, since Harry can't."
"No, I'll do it. Didn't you hear the doc? I'm *nearly ideal*!"
"Yes, I've always thought so…"
"Excellent! So we are decided. Now, one of you needs to broach the idea with Seven…"
Immediately following, in Cargo Bay Two…
"Seven, can we have a minute?"
"Certainly, Commander. I was about to regenerate, but the timing is not critical. I have up to 347 minutes at your disposal."
"This won't take nearly that long, I hope. I think you know that Tom, Harry and I are now in a stable relationship?"
"I had observed that you have spent increasing amounts of time together."
"And do you… er… approve?"
"My approval or disapproval is irrelevant. As it happens, I have noticed that this partnership has increased bridge efficiency by over 11.6 per cent – mostly by cutting down the time wasted by Mr Paris's extraneous remarks."
"I think that's as close as I'm going to get to approval. It is relevant because we are thinking of having a child."
"Commander, why does my opinion matter? I am not involved in your relationship, so my approval or disapproval of you three as partners or as parents remains irrelevant."
"We were hoping you might help us to become parents, by being the mother for our child, at least genetically. We are not asking you to carry the baby, but we wondered if you might be prepared to donate an egg."
"I am not certain how a pregnancy would affect my implants, but if the doctor feels that an egg extraction would be possible, I would agree that I am the logical choice for your egg donor."
"So, you agree? Thank you, Seven, that's wonderful!"
"Congratulations, Commander, on your impending paternity. Now, I shall regenerate so that I shall be in optimal condition when I visit the doctor tomorrow."
Two weeks later, in Sick Bay…
"So Tom, how do you feel? Like a Daddy yet?"
"Shut up Harry. I feel sick. Doc, is this morning sickness?"
"Hardly, Mr Paris. Morning sickness usually manifests from about six weeks after implantation. You have been pregnant for about six minutes. Your slight nausea is probably a side-effect from the anaesthetic, or else the product of an over-active imagination."
"Did you hear that Tom? It's going to get even worse!"
"Yeah Harry, thanks for the sympathy. You realize this means I'm not doing *any* housework for the next nine months, don't you?"
"Doctor, is there anything he can take for his relief?"
"Commander, although there are some analgesics and anti-emetics which are safe to use during pregnancy, at the moment the best course of action for Mr Paris would be to go home and rest."
"And will they bring me caviar and breakfast in bed?"
"Mr Paris, you should continue normal activities for as long as possible. Prolonged bed rest is not recommended and can lead to venous thrombosis."
"But I can still make them get me caviar, and ice-cream and pickles?"
"Only if you wish to have indigestion. Food cravings are not usual until the second trimester, and caviar is undesirable because of the salt content."
"Bummer. Is there anything fun about pregnancy?"
"I have not personally experienced that state, although I have the records of the best obstetricians in my database. You will be in good hands. Please come in for weekly checks of your blood pressure and tell me immediately if you have any swelling, blurred vision or headaches."
"This is *not* going to be fun."
"Mr Paris, if you feel that pregnancy is distasteful to you, I suggest you cast your mind forward a mere forty weeks and start thinking about labour and delivery…"
"…!..."
To Be Continued…