Take a Tour of the Qeebler Tree
by: Dick
Dubya
Warning: Read at your own risk!
Welcome to the Qeebler Tree, kids! I'm Testicle Cheeks -- just call me T.C. -- and I'm the head elf of the Qeebler Tree. The Qeebler Tree was established by my late grandmammy P.C., whose memorial bust is displayed in the newly-formed Pussy Cheeks Memorial Hall. Yes, I meant her bust-- we chopped off her breast and mummified it in her memory. This symbolizes how she literally fed the Qeebler Tree through the milk of her breasts.
The Qeebler Tree started out as an acorn. It was a special acorn, born out of a failed love affair between grandmammy and a grand oak tree. When the acorn was born, grandmammy thought it was the cutest acorn in the world, so she loved it and fed it with the milk from her breasts to make it grow. Soon, it became a huge and powerful oak tree, who looked so much like his father, and grandmammy hated it with a passion. So, grandmammy hired a pack of termites to hollow the tree, and thus the Qeebler Tree was made.
Eventually, grandmammy had several sexual affairs with fellow elves and produced our daddies and mommies, who had incestuous unions and produced us, the new generation of Qeebler elves. Grandmammy created the first Qeebler crackers and cookies through the use of the Qeebler elves. When grandmammy died of AIDS, we built this memorial hall in her honor.
Now, let's all move to your left. We are now headed to the Crackers Division. But first, free sample Sheez-Its for everyone! Mmm, hmm! Doesn't it taste sooo gooooooood? Here, we will show you the secret to creating the tangy, tasty and just-right-salty flavor of the beloved Sheez-It!
The Sheez-It is downright extraordinary. Made with the exact same recipe that grandmammy used many, many years ago, no one, not even the best chefs, in the human world is able to mimic its taste and texture. And that is because Sheez-It is created through magical processes, using the most magical ingredients.
On the west side is the ingredient extraction room. You will see that all of the workers here are fat unhygienic and uncircumcised males. But before you protest to the FDA, know that without these guys, we wouldn't have the taste of Sheez-It. And how come? Because the secret to the taste of Sheez-It is... elf smegma. That's right. It's the yellow cheesy stuff that is secreted from their penises that makes Sheez-It so creamy and tasty! Mmmm, delicious! And look at all that sweat. It helps make Sheez-It so just-right and salty!
And what about the White Cheese Sheez-It? We have a special wankers room where the White Cheese Sheez-It is made. Here, the elves are younger and more virile. An unlimited supply of hardcore porn videos is brought into the room, where the elves just masturbate all day. Their sperm, mixed with a bit of smegma, makes the White Cheese Sheez-It so special and flavorful. And because sperm is harder and more exhausting to create than smegma, then the White Cheese Sheez-It is more expensive. But it's definitely worth the price!
Enticing? There's more to come! We now leave the Crackers Division to go to the Cookies Division. The Cookies Division is responsible for soft and chewy cookies. And what makes these cookies so soft and chewy? Chocolate? Ho-ho! Far from it. If it were just chocolate, how come no other human creation has rivaled it? Simply because it is not made of chocolate! Come, and let me show you the secret of the soft and chewy "chocolate" cookies.
On the east side is the cookie ingredient extraction room. Here, the worker elves are diabetic and fed with tons of sugar. Furthermore, they are fed with plenty of fiber and water to aid in their digestion and make them produce shit at least five times a day. You got it. The secret ingredient to soft and chewy cookies is... sweet elf shit. The fiber and water in their diets help keep their shit soft and yummy. Mmm, lemme get a taste of some of that sweet shit. Delicious! Free samples for everyone, straight from the workers' assholes!
And that ends the tour of the Qeebler Tree. But before you go... more free Qeebler foods to take home to your mommies and daddies. I hope you enjoyed the delicious tastes and sights of our wonderful Qeebler products. Thank you, come again!
This TV commercial fanfiction was written solely for my entertainment. It does not intend to promote, either negatively or positively, any existing commercial product.
If you take it seriously, fuck you, you're an idiot.