A secret weapon is forged…
OOC: My dumb attempt at humour.
High Charity, the covenant capital, is a place of undisputed beauty; a place where one would live peacefully in its sanctuary for life if they wanted. The roads inside this city were so peacefully quiet and the citizens happy. There was nothing much going on today, save the everyday lives of people and the occasional screams of terror and plasma shots as police tried to chase down criminals. For this story to continue, we must delve deep into the inner sanctums of the city, where some rather boring prophets are drinking their boring tea and listening to a boring radio and reading the boring scriptures of the forerunner's pasts. Ironically, they are actually thinking of something that is actually interesting.
Ever since the covenant war has been on all they could do is sit around drinking harsh tea that has passed it's expiry date fifteen years ago - imported human tea doesn't last very long, and the trip is somewhat boring because it's freaking long. - And think about how they are going to achieve their diabolical plan to take over the human world.
Suddenly a grunt burst in, carrying a hologram projector in it's puny little hands, when it ran up to just two metres beside the prophets it noticed that about a hundred guns were pointing at it's little methane breathing nose.
"Oh darn…" It must have thought. "I should've read the regulations, or alternatively, simply stayed in bed and –"
The little grunt did not think for much longer as more than a hundred streaks of hot, searing plasma crashed into the exact position where the poor guy was, leaving nothing but a small smoking hole with the shielded, sliver hologram projector fitting rather snugly into the pothole.
One of the prophets, Truth, simply waved a hand and in an instant the mail was in his hands, while a few elites poured melted plasma marble into the small crack and left quickly as though they weren't there at all.
Pressing a small, silver button with his long and bony finger the prophet watched as the little thing spring into life. Revealing in front of him a recent battle on the planet Earth, as he watched he saw the little grunt cameraman huffing and puffing up to the battle scene. In front of him, he saw a small pile of dead grunt bodies, and in front of that was the Demon.
There was a clatter of noises that went like this
"OMIGOSHTHISISNOTHAPPENINGTOMEIAMGOINGTOSOGONNADIEAHHRUNAWAYPEEPSWEAREGOINGTOGETFRI-!"
The video screen suddenly flashed off, although the noise of bullets and plasma fire could still be heard through the working audio recording, it was ten seconds of constant screaming and rattle of machine gun fire and plasma weaponry letting off. After that silence filled the room.
The Prophet of Truth merely threw the little video recorder aside, and a small yelp was heard as the small, yet heavy object smacked into some poor soul's head.
"So…" The prophet of truth said solemnly, "Another battle lost by the one man army known as…the demon."
The whole building seemed to gasped as the prophet uttered those last two words, a few prophets fainted in shock, a few alien birds outside fell of their perch and for some odd reason all the leaves of the trees near the building fell off.
"Brothers…" Truth began to speak once more, saving everyone from a heart attack. "What shall we do about it…"
The whole sanctum then burst into a small room of noise as all the prophets began to search through what they should do, after five minutes of constant talking Truth simply waved a hand and all the mouths of the minor prophets clamped shut (a tongue even fell onto the floor as well because it was not quick enough to escape the clamping of teeth.)
"Have we got any ideas yet?" Truth queried.
"Well, we could just send a whole fleet over to destroy them…" Rage suggested.
"We could build a super laser to fry his body into ashes?" Peace said confidently.
"How about we send some of our best troops to take care of him?" Asked Regret
For all three answers the reply was a simply no, mainly because:
Their entire fleet (save the militia.) is already on Earth
Covenant don't use lasers, they use plasma
Practically all their elite troops are dead from trying to take down the demon.
"So then…" Truth said. "All these suggestions seem plausible if we had enough forces and resources to do so. The problem is that we don't have the resources because half of you spent our funding on stupid cups of tea!"
"But tea is good stuff!" Rage interrupted.
"Not in a time of war it isn't!" Truth replied furiously. "So all your reasons are dumb, so that leaves us with Sarcasm, which is pretty much our only hope for this matter."
All eyes are now on Sarcasm, with the minds of those eyes all monotonously saying "Oh no…"
"Hmm…well, how about we use pie?" Sarcasm asked curiously.
A whole minute of silence passed with all eyes staring strangely at Sarcasm, it was actually Peace who broke the silence with some sort of hysterical laughter, the whole sanctum soon followed with extraordinary human-like laughter, enough to be heard even outside by a few grunt janitors, who simply shrugged at each other and went back to their work.
"Ha, ha, that was a good one," Truth said in mid-laughter, wiping a tear from his beady little eye." but seriously, do you have any good ideas?" he then asked.
"Pie is a brilliant idea!" Sarcasm pleaded. "Throughout human history pie is one of their most hypnotising delicacy ever, all humans love it because it has enough flavours to suit everyone. So now all we have to do is make a whole load of pies and drop them in their key military points!"
"But that will be pointless, giving them stuff when we are their mortal enemies." Truth replied hotly.
"Ah, but that's after we put some of this in…" Sarcasm said slyly, pulling out a small vial of glowing silver fluid. "This is a new hypnotising liquid, designed to make sure that our troops stay loyal to our cause, upon contact with any sentient life form, they immediately turn into covenant-loving creatures, and will serve us to our every will."
"Ah, I get it…" Truth said, "All we have to do is locate some of their best soldiers and make them eat the hypnotising stuff, then they shall do our bidding for us!"
"Precisely!" Sarcasm said (well, almost yelled.)
"So…where are we going to get people that knows how to make pie?" Truth asked, looking at all the prophets who simply shrugged.
"Er…" Something that seemed to be coming from beside (and under) truth uttered "I could."
Truth quickly turned round and stared at the little pile of ashes that was actually the grunt that he supposedly vaporised ten units ago.
"You?".
"Yes!" The grunt remains squeaked, "Just revive me and I'll do the rest!"
The prophet of truth simply nodded and beckoned two elites, who dusted the grunt ashes into a silver dustpan and took it away. Finding that his job was made a lot more easier, truth waved for all the other prophets of the committee to get on with tea drinking while picking up his own mug from the table. Sipping a small bit of the disgusting, yet addictive stuff he picked up a copy of 'The Covenant Times' and began to read, pondering about the master plan that was going to be carried out soon enough.
OOC: There, the first chapter of the my first attempt at writing humorous fanfic, R&R and say whether I should carry on.