I lay on the floor of my quarters, staring blankly at the ceiling. I had been here for… Well I'm not really sure how long I had been there. Time felt like it had dragged on since I broke up with the love of my life. I know that sounds stupid. You are probably thinking 'Why the hell did you break up with the person if they are the love of your life?' If you promise not to judge me too harshly I'll tell you the story.

James Tiberius Kirk, that's the love of my life, and I started out as best friends from the get-go. I sat next to him on the shuttle to Starfleet and told him I might throw up on him. From there we were pretty much inseparable. I fell in love with him early on but I didn't think I stood a chance because he was with a new girl almost every night. I didn't think he was interested in a relationship or into men.

I was wrong about that. He was interested in both. I ended up getting drunk at a Starbase a while after he became captain of the Enterprise and confessed to him. He waited till I was sober to finish the conversation but it turned out he wanted me as much as I wanted him. We started dating and had been together for almost a year now.

So you are probably still wondering why the hell I broke up with Jim after being together for a year and after being in love with him so long. Honestly I didn't want to, he was an amazing boyfriend and I loved being with him. It physically hurt to be away from him and to have hurt him like this but I had to. I just couldn't live with a boyfriend who was constantly endangering himself. If I lost him, if he died on my table and I couldn't save him or while on an away mission it would kill me. I just couldn't deal with it. I loved him to much to see him in pain and hurting himself.

Tears stung my eyes as I stared up at the dark ceiling. I tried telling myself that this was for the best and that maybe it would work out for the both of us but I honestly didn't believe it. I hadn't been to work in the three days since breaking up with Jim. I couldn't bring myself to care about something that I used to be passionate about. I used to look forward to going to work, it was a challenge that I looked forward to beating. Now it was just another place with memories of Jim all around.

I hadn't moved from the spot on the floor since collapsing there after retreating to my room after breaking up with Jim. I kept seeing the hurt that flashed through his eyes before the shields I had worked so hard to break down came back up. He just stood there not saying anything as I turned and ran to the safety of my room. I wish he had screamed at me, had argued with me, had done anything to show he cared that I was leaving him. I didn't even tell him that I was asking for a transfer once I got to the next star base.

I knew we would move on, we had to. I would never find anyone I loved as much as Jim or even half as much as him but I had to try. I couldn't live with his reckless disregard for his life. He meant to much to me for me to sit by and watch that. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what life would be like without him:

I walked to my room on my new starship, smiling gently at the man waiting for me by the door. He never entered without permission. I opened my door and let him go in first, smiling as he went to the replicator to get our dinner started. He was so considerate to me, he never made me fix a meal after what he knew was a hard day. While he did that I opened up a video link with my ex-wife who absolutely adored my new boyfriend. While they chatted amenablely I set the table for dinner, waiting for a chance to talk to my daughter.

After dinner he let me pick a movie and we would cuddle a little on the couch before it was time for bed. He would give me a gentle kiss by the door before leaving. He never urged for more, he never coerced, bribed, blackmailed or begged for more. I would smile a little watching him leave before heading to bed to dream about a man I once had.

I would dream about a man who hated my ex-wife for what she did to me and made it very well known to her so she despised him in return. A man who would come to me after I had a hard day in the med-bay for dinner and amusement. A man who would pick a movie despite my preference and we would make out and cuddle the whole time, hating to be apart. A man who would never leave my room or let me leave his at night. Even if sex wasn't an option for the night we would sleep in the same bed. He would beg, bribe, blackmail, or do anything in his power to make it so. I would dream about screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain (we did that when visiting my mother), it being two a.m. and I'm cursing your name. So in love that we acted insane, that's the way I loved Jim. Passionately, no holding back, no hiding it, no idea I could feel that much.

My eyes shot open to a pounding on the door before it slid open, Uhura and Spock standing on the other side. Uhura glared at me before seeing the state I was in, her eyes softening.

"Leonard, what have you done?" Her voice was gentle which caused tears to burn my eyes. I must look pretty bad for her to use that voice on me when she came in on the murder path. Spock went and sat on a chair near where I was laying, looking at me seriously (thought I doubt he had any other expression). Uhura kneeled down on the floor next to me, touching my face gently.

I jerked back from her touch before biting my lip and asking the question I had to ask. "How's Jim?" I murmured, voice breaking a little from lack of use and from emotions.

"He has not been on the bridge in the last three days. He has handed temporary command of the ship to me and when I went to his room he had it locked and it looked to be much in the same state as yours. I did not.. I do not understand what is occurring so I asked Nyota for assistance. That is when we found out you two broke up." Spock answered with his voice emotionless as always. I bit back a sob while Uhura wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me into her lap.

"Why did you break up with him Leo? If it hurts you both this bad then why did you break up with him? I don't understand." She whispered as she held onto me, running her fingers through my hair in a very motherly gesture.

Tears fell freely from my eyes as I looked up at her. "I can't… I can't take him not caring about his life anymore. I am tired of just waiting for him to not come back from an away mission or for him to die on my table. I get why he does some of the stuff but its like he doesn't care if he dies." I said, tears breaking my voice more.

"Why didn't you tell him you felt this way?" Spock asked, eyebrow raised in his normal expression.

It was Uhura who answered. "You didn't know how he would react and were scared. You thought he would handle breaking up easier than telling him there was something he did that you couldn't handle. He already has acceptance issues, if you told him that then there is no saying what he would do."

I blinked in surprise, amazed at her insight before nodding. Spock stood from the bed to look down at me, anger finally peaking through his features. "I would not have taken you as a coward Dr. McCoy." His voice was cold as he spoke.

Before I could answer a voice answered from beside the door that none of us had heard open. "That's because he isn't one Spock. He was protecting me as he saw best while protecting himself." Jim said, his voice tired and breaking with emotion.

I shot up and looked at him in surprise, taking in his haggard appearance and red rimmed eyes. I wanted to throw myself out of an airlock for doing something like that to him. He didn't look away from me as he addressed Spock and Uhura. "Do you mind giving Dr. McCoy and I some privacy." He phased it like a question but it wasn't. It was all I could do not to look at Uhura and beg her to stay.

Uhura paused before standing up and dragging a reluctant Spock towards the door, shooting one last look at the two of us before they were gone. As soon as the door was closed behind them Jim walked over beside me and dropped to the floor, tears in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Why? Why did you have to do this to me? To the both of us?!" He cried into my neck as I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly, almost desperately against me.

I let out a quiet sob, tightening my arms around him. "I'm so sorry Jim. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you but I didn't know what else to do."

Quiet fell between us after that, neither of us wanting to find out where we were going with this. I held Jim for what felt like hours before I reluctantly let him go. He looked up at me in panic, tearing at my heart as I all I wanted to do was hold him tight and never let him go.

"Jim… We need to talk about this. I want to be with you still but I can't keep watching you hurt yourself like this. Its killing me." I murmured, looking at him as I wiped a tear from his cheek gently. He leaned into my hand as he looked up at me.

His blue eyes held so many emotions I couldn't begin to decipher what they were. I held my breath, scared of what was coming. "Bones, Leonard… I want you. I want to be with you even if I have to give up being a starship captain and move to the Himalayas' to herd goats for the rest of my life. I just want you there with me. I can do anything, live anywhere, be anything as long as you are by my side." I stared at him with wide eyes, my breath catching in my throat. I couldn't believe what he was saying. "I promise, here and now that I will do my best to care about my safety. I won't take stupid risks and unnecessary risks."

I pulled him into a tight hug, kissing him hard. I couldn't believe what he was saying. I couldn't believe that he would do all that for me. As soon as I got my breath back from kissing Jim like a drowning man I whispered against his lips "I love you so much Jim. I love you more than I can ever say even if I told you ever second of every day for the rest of eternity."

He pulled away a little to look at me in surprise as we had never said those words. He studied my face but he must have seen something there that showed him that I was being honest because he kissed me gently and whispered back "I love you to Bones. So very much."

I smiled as I held him close. Our relationship wouldn't be without bumps, it wouldn't be without fights and tears and hurt but it would be perfect because we loved each other so much.