A/N: Well, behold, my first Gossip Girl fanfic. I'm gonna start out with a oneshot. I watch this scene over and over and over again, and I just feel like I kinda have to get Chuck and Blair's thoughts out. So this basically travels from the part of "O Brother, Where Bart Thou" where Blair/Chuck are at the limo to the very end. Its going to be rather long, but I hope it gives everyone insight. P.S. So this isn't so confusing for everyone, when Blair's p.o.v is over, Chuck's will take over from the very beginning, at the party before he left.
She followed after him. Maybe it was that maternal instinct Nate had been trying to tell her about before. Maybe it was the feeling she'd been trying to bury since the beginning. The feeling that now overwhelmed her and made her feel as if she might suffocate. But, she followed him, even though Nate tried to stop her. Tried to save her from the deranged Chuck. The frightening Chuck who no one knew.
She ran to the elevator after seeing the look in his eyes. She felt like now was the time. It wasn't exactly the perfect moment, but it might take him one step closer to healing. She would do anything, everything, to get her Chuck back. Her friend whom she'd known forever. Who had helped her in her worst times, was her partner in crime in her darkest schemes.
Blair pushed the elevator button furiously, but deep down she already knew she was far too late. She noticed his finger on the close button, it was hopeless. When the doors closed, she stood, thinking for a moment. For the briefest of seconds, her mind screamed at her to stop. To let him be. He'd been terrible to her. However, the newly founded Cyrus-induced side of her came into play, booming over the other voice. Kindness, caring, had won.
She stalked to the coat check, determination in her eyes. She ignored the eyes on her. Serena. Nate. They meant nothing to her at this moment. All that mattered was him. Making him better.
Blair made it into the elevator, nervousness clouding her brain. She felt... scared. Of rejection? She wasn't really so sure. Maybe it was of what this new man could do to her. What he was capable of in his grieving, tortured state.
The doors opened to the lobby. She walked out briskly, seeing him not fifty feet away from her. She held in her scream, her words to call out to him. They would have to wait for a more appropriate venue.
And so, when they were outside, her following after him now thirty feet away, she yelled to him. Called out, hope and desperation in her voice. She needed this. Needed to know that he would be alright.
"Chuck! Stop!"
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He was sick of this. It bored him and he longed for the dark cavern of 1812, where his medicine awaited him. Where the crystal bottle that seemed as if sent from heaven waiting under the cabiniet, beckoning him.
The time had come for him to leave. Make his grand escape. The room was terribly suffocating. It did little to help his current state of drunkeness. His current mind-set that all was wrong.
Because it was.
And it always would be. Forever.
Biting out bitter words he knew he wouldn't feel the effects of for a lifetime to his once-brother Eric, he gave up on finding his jacket. It wasn't worth it.
Chuck heard her behind him, following him. How dare she care? She had no right. They were no longer involved. He was supposed to mean nothing to her. She was certainly beginning to mean nothing to him.
He felt nothing anymore, didn't feel the same things in the pit of his stomach as he gazed at her through his now cold, emotionless, eyes. Those were feelings which only fell upon his happy self. Now he was a shell. He didn't care. Why should anyone else?
Why should she? Blair?
He shut the elevator door on her, holding down the button until his finger nail turned white. Until he felt a pressure, not a pain, building in his index finger. He never felt when he did things anymore. It was worthless to feel. Feeling was what had gotten him here. Wanting to reconcile his father and Lily, but only making everything so much worse. He'd killed him.
But these thoughts that had at one time reached his briefly coherent brain were now completely dormant in his mind. They held no meaning for him. Chuck Bass was a worthless being. He wasn't even a being, he was a robotic version of himself. One who bit things out, who never felt. He wouldn't allow it. Everything could crash, and who would handle him?
He felt as if he were watching a movie of this particular period of his life. There was an incredibly minuscule part of him that was screaming at the larger part to get a grip. He had to feel at some point. Otherwise when he finally did, it would be unbearable.
But, the more dominant part of his nature always won. The part that drank everything away. Let all of the burdens, the problems, the feelings, swish down his throat with the burning liquid that solved everything. He'd turned to the darkness fully now, letting it envelope his life.
So he picked up the pace as he traveled to his limo. The faster he walked, though he ran the risk of falling in his current drunken stupor, the closer he would come to his ultimate goal. Total and complete isolation.
But then he heard her voice. "Chuck! Stop!" He did as he was told and turned around to see her slowing slightly as she came closer to him. He shot a look at her that was meant to burn through her. Make her shrivel and curl up into a ball. However, as with everything in his new life, it didn't work.
She slowed and came to a stop. "Don't go," she stated firmly, her voice getting softer. He wanted his eyes to soften, willed them to, but he just kept staring back at her, unblinking, with emotionless pits where his eyes ought to be.
"Or, if you have to leave, let me come with you," said Blair, gesturing to the sleek, black limo.
"I appreciate your concern," he breathed out in a raspy voice. He didn't sound like himself. A little part of him, similar to a child, screamed out in a frightened frenzy at the new and scary man whose voice he now used.
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Blair watched as he stopped, listening to her. He turned back to her, his eyes lifeless. She longed so much for the sparkling, partying eyes of the former Chuck. The one who knew who charming he was, who was always happy at how he could use that to his advantage. Now, though, his dark, cynical eyes held nothing. She couldn't understand, and she wouldn't make herself. It scared her to.
She told him not to leave, but, if he had to, to allow her to come with.
His voice then had scared her slightly. She wouldn't allow it to show through, though. She knew he didn't appreciate it, so she said this thought out loud.
"No, you don't," she shot back at him. Her voice had taken a hard tone, and she made a concentrated effort to soften it, knowing he didn't need a scolding. He need someone to be there for him. To comfort him.
"You don't appreciate anything today, but, I don't care," Blair stated matter-of-factly. She stared at him before she let her next words come out. She watched as he shook from some sort of emotion. It surprised her; from the look in his eyes, she had thought that she wouldn't see any emotion come out of him.
"Whatever you are going through, I want to be there for you," she said, wanting to enunciate each word to back herself up, but failing miserably.
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She wanted to be there for him. Right. That was rich.
Chuck was starting to feel again. He felt his body shake from fright, from anger. From the sickness he was starting to feel in the pit of his stomach.
No! He yelled inside of his head. The roaring of the voice echoed throughout the vicinity of his skull. He needed to get back. Back to his safe haven. Where the darkness, the oh-so-sweet darkness, helped him. Soothed him, comforted him.
He surprised himself with the amount of venom that was put into his voice. He had started out softly, wanting to let her down easy despite how terrible he was feeling. How bitter he was.
"We've talked about this," he said, trying to keep his head. He could feel himself shake even more. "You," he bit out fiercely, "are not my girlfriend!" The little boy inside of him that was sheltered deep down jumped back at the ferociousness that seeped throughout his whole body with those four words.
****************************************************************************************************************** Blair Waldorf never gave up. She'd be damned if she let herself cave now. Despite his hurtful words that cut deep into her before her mind could tell her they weren't true, she didn't give up on him. On them.
She stared back at him as a glare passed over his face and then left as he noticeably became calmer, eerily so. She watched as the emotionless eyes came back, this time leaving his whole face slackened and without feeling.
She thought as she watched Chuck. Blair finally found the right words.
"But I am me," she stated, smiling on the inside at how everything was falling into place. She felt the sparkle of hope in her inner-self light up as she pressed fast-forward in her mind and watched as she fixed him. It was possible. She was so close now, she could almost taste it.
"And you are you," she stated. She searched his eyes, and then let her gaze fall to his hand, which was gripping the door tightly. It was white, pale, just like the rest of him. She was sure it wasn't only like that on the outside, but on the inside as well.
"We're Chuck and Blair," she reached for his hand and fought the urge to jump for joy when she felt him respond to her touch. He slightly curved his fingers to hers. "Blair and Chuck."
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He felt his hand tingle at her touch. Instinctively, he let his fingers curve to hers. He had seen how his words had affected her, though he knew she had not meant for it. His compassion was trickling through the blackness of his insides, but he stopped it with his mind. His hand froze in hers. He would not feel.
He was starting to twitch. Twitching to keep them away. The feelings that threatened his brain-dead shell. He fought to keep his eyes open and felt the rest of his body shake even more as the prickles of heat came to the back of his eyes. Her chocolate brown eyes searched his and he struggled the keep the beads locked behind his sockets.
"The worst thing you've ever done," her voice broke very slightly as her own fighting back of tears came through her voice. "The darkest thought you've ever had..." she continued to gaze into his eyes and he was acutely aware of everything around him. How close she was. How, if he chose to, he could just pull her by their currently locked hands into the limo. The small part of him was starting to get bigger. He was beginning to wear down.
Her voice became firmer; she was more sure of herself, he could tell. "I will stand by you through anything," she enunciated every word to him, and he tried to bring back that dark side. He needed it to pull through this. To survive without a scratch. It came back in a flash, as if it were a faithful golden retriever.
However, it disappeared slightly as soon as it had come. It dimmed and he felt himself becoming unstable, the tears almost winning the fight, now. His emotions mixed together dangerously, and he put as much feeling into the words as he could muster.
"And why would you do that?" Chuck asked her. He could feel himself starting to crumble, for he already knew the answer. He would not allow the crumbling to happen. Not here. Not until he was in the safety of 1812, where the warm, burning liquid could stop him. He froze himself as the emotion in her eyes began to register.
****************************************************************************************************************** Here it was. The big moment. Blair knew what she had to do. Very few people had ever had this honor bestowed upon them. That was the way she saw it, anyway. That those who were lucky enough for this were similar to knights being dubbed.
"Because..." she started, answering Chuck's question. C'mon, Blair, its time. Do not stutter, just do it. "I love you," she whispered, tears brimming her eyes now. She tightened her grip on his hand.
She wasn't sure what she'd expected, but it certainly was not this. His eyes bared not one emotion, not one acknowledgment of what she was telling him. He was hollow, filled with nothingness, and it scared her. It shook her to the core. He couldn't do this to her. He wouldn't.
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He was crumbling. His walls had come crashing down as the three words he'd been waiting to hear from her for forever left her lips in a whisper. His heart caved inside of him, and he was sure his whole body had crumpled into a heap on the ground in front of her. However, he was still in tact, still alive. Breathing. Damn.
He felt the emotions take over, and he let them cloud his whole mind, body, and soul. His eyes shook with tears and his body tremors rocked his body in anticipation of the sobs to come.
All he wanted was to tell her the same thing. But he hadn't felt anything in so long, he wasn't sure if it was the truth. And all he wanted was to be honest with her.
The demon filled rage came through him as he realized this was simply out of pity. He wanted to shoot himself for foolishly believing her. Seeing truth in those words. But it was to make him feel better. He wouldn't take her pity. Not one ounce of it. She just gave him what he wanted to make it better. It wouldn't.
In fact, it made it worse.
So, he bit out the words that he'd least wanted to say. However, as soon as he said them, he saw that he had been devastatingly wrong. "Well, that's too bad," he stated with the smallest amount of feeling put into the words. He watched her eyes for the shortest of seconds and saw that he'd hurt her. That she truly had woken up.
In that tenth of a second afterwards, he pulled his hand away from her now-limp one and climbed into the awaiting limo, the tears falling down his cheeks wordlessly.
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So that was it. She couldn't fix him? She couldn't fix him. Blair answered her own questions in her head.
He doesn't love me? He doesn't. What is wrong with me? Why did I do this? She felt the hot beads of salt-water speed down her face and she internally screamed as she watched the limo drive off.
Blair Waldorf would never, not ever, open up again. It only hurt people; hurt her.
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He felt his face becoming sticky as the tears flowed freely. His now loose hair, free of gel, stuck to his cheek and for once, he did nothing. He simply sat in the limo in silence. He loved her, he did. So why hadn't he said anything? What was so terribly wrong with him?
He knew that answer. And so, Chuck Bass, the man who was a womanizer and had never shed a tear, not ever, cried like a baby in the backseat of his limo as he was chauffeured around town to the Palace. He let himself disintegrate until there was nothing left of him but his same old shell. Just as before.
A/N: Alrity... so this came out longer than I had thought. I think I'll either make this two chapters, or just make a completely different oneshot. Let me know what you guys think via reviews! I love them and they make me veerrryyy happy! Thanks for reading.