Title: Help
Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or these characters (darn it!) nor am I making any money off them (darn it!). No infringement intended.
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: T
Summary: Seeing and showing emotion is never easy, especially for these two
Notes: Thanks again for all the wonderful comments on other stories. They truly are appreciated! And hope you don't mind a non-M rated story! lol
And You Wonder Why
Olivia stormed into Alex's office, slamming the door behind her, not giving a damn what attention the action would draw from the occupants outside Alex's office, caring only about the one occupant inside the office, "What the HELL, Alex?"
Alex knew this confrontation was inevitable. And if she hadn't known, she should have. For she knew Olivia was going to be pissed as hell not to mention incredibly hurt, too. The case had become personal for her, even more personal than usual. And it was hard to imagine a resolution worse than this one. So the attorney remained as placid as possible in the face of Olivia's fury, swallowing hard, keeping her expression and voice as steady as she could, as she answered quietly, "It wasn't my decision, Detective."
Olivia's eyes widened slightly and her breath left her chest in a quick exhale, almost as if she'd been hit. Anger was still evident on her face, but the hurt in Olivia's eyes had intensified as she just gaped at the attorney for a second, obviously not even knowing where to begin with Alex's last statement, or how to respond to it, finally just spitting out, "'Detective'? 'Detective'?".
Alex closed her eyes and let out a breath. She had wanted to keep it professional, keep her distance, keep herself detached, using Olivia's title rather than her name as a shield, and Olivia had called her on it. She opened her eyes and softened, her shoulders slumping just marginally, giving in just a bit, "Olivia," she amended quietly, concedingly, before continuing, "And I'm sorry, I am. I fought Liz on this, I fought her hard," Alex was almost pleading now, once again repeating her earlier statement, "But it wasn't my decision."
Olivia just stared at Alex again and Alex was certain she could see unshed tears in the detective's eyes now, tears of frustration and anger and sorrow and so many other things Alex couldn't quite identify, right at the surface, barely in check, barely controlled. And she struggled to maintain the intensity of that eye contact, struggled against looking away as Olivia took a step closer to the desk, eyes boring into the attorney, and asking quietly, voice shaking, both the detective's words and tone indicating this perhaps wasn't just about the case itself, "And we had to hear it from Donnelly?" Olivia's lip then curled disdainfully and she chuckled once harshly, her voice getting a little stronger, her words a little nastier, her own form of defense, "What? Was it that we weren't good enough or that you weren't good enough to come deliver the news yourself but had to send a lackey instead?"
The detective's words and tone had exactly the effect she expected, inciting a reactionary anger in Alex, the attorney's face hardening again, her body rising from her chair, her blue eyes flashing as she bit out her words, "Don't try to pull those crappy word games on me, Olivia. It had nothing to do with you and nothing to do with me. I wanted it to be Donnelly to deliver the news because it was her decision, not mine, and I wanted her to see and to hear your reactions firsthand," Alex's voice was strong, steady, her arguments sounding legitimate, at least on the surface, "To see the effects of that decision and know those decisions don't take place in a vacuum; that they effect not just the victims and perpetrators but the entire team of people who work on the case, as well."
But Olivia could see below the surface. "Oh, so this was just some big morality lesson for your boss as if she didn't already know all that! Is that what you're trying to tell me? Really, Alex? Really!" Olivia spat back, almost yelling, clear that she either knew what Alex had said wasn't true or that even if it was true, it wasn't the whole truth.
Alex lifted her chin defiantly. "Yes." Crisp, collected. But Alex swallowed hard after saying it. A small tell, just a small one.
But one Olivia noticed. She took another step forward, body seething, pinning Alex with her gaze now, pressing her point, making it clear that despite what Alex might have believed when Olivia had first entered her office, this really wasn't about the case, per se, and despite what Alex might have said and pretended to believe, this really was very much about them. "You knew how I'd take this news," Olivia's voice had quieted, and nearly cracked.
Alex swallowed hard again, her stomach flipping over, her heart starting to ache, "Yes," she said more quietly this time.
"And yet..." Olivia let the unspoken accusation hang.
For yes, Alex *did* know how the detective would take the news, knew it would devastate Olivia, knew just how angry and hurt and pissed off at the world and the system Olivia would be and that she... that she would probably need someone or at least want someone. Someone to lash out at or someone to sympathize with, someone to share the disappointment, or comfort her, or even just understand her. Someone to simply be there for her.
And Alex knew that someone should have been her.
And yet...
Alex exhaled again, slumping back into her chair and looking away, no longer able to hold Olivia's piercing gaze. She nodded her head slowly, minutely, quietly accepting the accusation and just as quietly admitting guilt. "I was so upset about it myself, Liv," her voice was no longer defiant, but instead was small, weary, "I didn't think I could take seeing you upset, too." She flicked her eyes back up to the detective's face, the rawness and honesty of the moment almost unbearable, "Sometimes it just hurts me too much to see you hurt."
Olivia's reaction to the attorney's quiet admission wasn't at all what Alex had expected. Actually, Alex wasn't sure what she had expected, but she was sure this wasn't it.
The detective deflated almost entirely, turning away from Alex and just standing there silently with her back turned for several long seconds before wiping her hands over her face. Finally, she turned back around and looked into the now pained expression of the woman she loved more than anyone or anything she'd ever loved before. A woman who came into her life less six months ago but one she didn't know if she could ever live without anymore. Which just made the current situation, her current set of emotions, and her next words all the more difficult, but all the more important. "And you wonder why, Alex."
Alex didn't understand. And her face showed it.
"You wonder why I don't open up to you," Olivia expanded, "You wonder why I don't tell you things. Why I close you out when there's a particularly hard case or when I have a particularly bad nightmare. You wonder why I don't let you in, why I don't open up. Well there's your answer it in a nutshell." Olivia gestured with her hand into the space between them, as if Alex's previous words were still hanging there, "It hurts you too much to see me hurt." Olivia stopped there and squeezed her fingers into her eyes, willing away the tears, the silence in the room weighing on them both. She then turned and walked the three steps back to Alex's office door, putting her hand on the handle when she got there. Then quietly, so quietly, Alex straining to hear, Olivia delivered her final words, "The problem is, Alex, I hurt a lot."
And with that, Olivia opened the door and left the office without looking back.
The rest of the day was long and hellish and just seemed to crawl by. Neither woman spoke to the other via phone or in person or had any other kind of contact whatsoever. But neither of them could concentrate or think of anything else. Anything else save the other, save the short but devastating conversation that had taken place that morning, and what it meant for them, and what it meant for their future.
Hours and hours later, Olivia returned to her home for the second time that day, this latest time returning from the run she went on to avoid being cooped up in her apartment with only herself and her thoughts and the cell phone she couldn't bring herself to use. She was still slightly out of breath, still sweaty, but with a better, albeit only marginally better, grip on her emotions.
It was a tenuous grip that was only further strained when she turned the lock on her apartment door, opened it, and stepped inside... only to see Alex sitting in her living room, on her sofa, glasses perched on her nose, legs crossed, reading material and notebook on her lap, each of them having their own way of dealing with stress.
Their eyes met briefly across the room and Olivia's jaw clenched. She couldn't decide if she was surprised or not to see the attorney. Nor could she decide if she was annoyed or happy or relieved or all of the above to see her. And nor, she realized, did she have any clue what would happen next.
Without a word Olivia turned around and closed the door. Then, still without speaking or further acknowledging Alex's presence in any way, needing just a few seconds to prepare, to collect her thoughts, she proceeded into the kitchen to pour herself and drink a glass of water. She then wiped her face with the bottom of her t-shirt and took a deep, steadying breath and then another, before finally exiting the kitchen and going back to the living room, and back to face Alex.
Which she did, but still silently, still not speaking, but instead just looking at Alex, and waiting.
She still didn't know what would happen next, but in the end decided that this was her apartment, and Alex had come to her. Also, Olivia had been the last to speak in Alex's office; so the detective was going to wait it out and make Alex be the first to speak here.
And so there they were, staring each other down. Olivia gazing into those same blue depths she'd fallen into the very first time she'd seen them, and just like that first time found herself trying to hide from them, trying to shield her emotions from them. And also just like that first time, and nearly every time since, failing miserably. For Alex could see everything as she silently but steadily gazed back into Olivia's dark, tumultuous, challenging eyes. She could see the anger that still roiled in them, and the hurt. But there was something else there now, too; an uncertainty, even fear, as if Olivia were bracing herself for something; something unwanted, something terrifying, something Alex didn't quite understand yet.
Finally Alex broke eye contact, reaching up and removing her glasses, putting them on her notes and putting her notes aside, eliminating all distractions, focusing all her attention and energy now on the woman in front of her. She then once again looked directly into Olivia's eyes as she spoke, her statement succinct and to the point, much like the attorney herself, "You're right."
Olivia lifted an eyebrow and a spark of surprise flashed across her face. Like Alex earlier that day, she didn't know what she had expected but she didn't think that was it.
Seeing the look of surprise on Olivia's face but getting no other reaction from the detective, Alex continued, repeating her previous statement and expanding, "You are. You're absolutely right. I tell you that I want you to open up to me, I say those words, but my actions usually say quite differently."
Olivia's eyes and face softened, and Alex looked away, taking a deep breath before continuing, unable to look now at the detective but still wanting, trying, to explain, "I know you hurt. I know how much you hurt. No," Alex shook her head then at her own statement, "No I probably don't know exactly how much you hurt but I know some of it and I just... I just want so badly for you not to hurt." Alex paused to catch her breath before pressing on, "Because... because I know there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing. I feel helpless and frustrated and I just don't know what to do. And so instead of facing it, instead of trying something, I simply try to avoid it; avoid seeing you in pain." Alex started shaking her head again, a physical manifestation of the monologue that was now just pouring from her, thoughts and words and emotions that had been kicking around her head not just all afternoon but in the days and weeks and months preceding this crisis, too, "But that just makes things worse, and I know that. Just because I pretend it's not there it doesn't mean it isn't there, it doesn't mean it's gone. And so not only are you in pain but you're also alone. I'm protecting myself, yes, but only at the expense of you." Alex finally looked back up, needing the detective to see the honesty in her face, "And that's not fair of me. It's selfish and it's wrong and," she swallowed and then repeated herself, unable to come up with a better way to put it, "It's not fair of me. It's not fair to you."
Olivia's shoulders slumped. She exhaled a slow breath and stepped forward so she could sit down next to Alex on the couch, leaning over, legs slightly spread, elbows on her knees. She stared at the floor and her hands for several seconds, gathering her own thoughts, choosing her own words. And finally speaking them, at once acknowledging Alex's part in where they were, and at the same time, acknowledging her own part, "I wasn't being completely fair, either. It's not like you're the only one at fault here."
Alex tilted her head, a small frown forming on her face, not sure where Olivia was going. So she just sat there, quietly and patiently, knowing the detective had more to say, and more than willing to wait as long as she needed to to hear it.
Fortunately, she didn't have to wait long. "You said that you say one thing and do another," Olivia began, "But you're not the only one. I claim I want to be able to tell you things, show you when I hurt, show you how I hurt, but then when those times come when you *do* give me the opportunity to do just that, I don't, I just don't. Because I'm protecting you, too. I want to protect you, I like protecting you, I like shielding you, even if that means denying myself." Olivia licked her lips and took a deep breath, bolstering herself for the rest of what she wanted to say, "But it's not only that. It's also that I don't like feeling the things I feel sometimes. And for most of my life no one's asked, no one's cared enough to, and no ones been able to get under my skin enough to really see them anyway. So I've been able to hide them, even from myself. But telling them to you, showing them to you, makes me acknowledge them, makes them real, and that's not always something I like to do, either. So you ask me what's wrong, and I shake my head and tell you 'nothing' or I lash out and show you anger because that's so much easier than showing you what I really feel or I simply run away in the middle of the night because I don't want to face the images in my head and I know if I wake you up I'll have to. And..." Olivia trailed off, needing to bolster herself once again, needing to gather that last bit of courage she knew she was going to need to finish the last of her thoughts, the hardest ones to admit out loud but the most critical ones, "And sometimes... sometimes I'm just afraid that if I tell you the truth, Alex, show you everything..." Olivia's voice dropped to a whisper, "Then you wouldn't want to be with me anymore."
Alex, having been prepared to take all the heat and blame for their current argument, and having not thought that Olivia might have done exactly the same thing, was stunned by the quiet and lengthy confession. But though she hadn't been ready for it, she knew it needed immediate action, immediate dispute, immediate correction. She reached under Olivia's chin to force the detective to look at her and look directly into her eyes as she spoke, "Olivia, you are the strongest, kindest, most incredible and amazing woman I have ever met..."
"Alex..." Olivia interrupted, ready to deny Alex's words, not feeling particularly deserving of them in this moment.
"Olivia, shhhhh" Alex placed her fingers over Olivia's lips, silencing the detective's attempted disputing of Alex's words, knowing, knowing, knowing with everything that she is that Olivia deserved exactly these words and more. "I need to say this and you need to hear it. You are the strongest, kindest, most incredible and amazing woman I have ever met," Alex repeated, "And you deserve someone who wants all of you. Every last cell in your body, every last thought in your head. All of you, Olivia, all of you." Alex's eyes were shimmering as she finished.
Shimmering that was reflected in Olivia's eyes as she responded, voice quiet, raspy with emotion, "And you deserve to be with someone who won't just run away or hide all the time. Someone who *can* be with you completely."
The two women stared at each other silently then, as they had earlier, only this time both recognizing their own faults, recognizing the other's faults, and recognizing the size of the task in front of them. And though neither of them was sure that in this pressure cooker world in which they lived, with all its constraints and demands on their time and energy and spirit, that they could actually do it, in that moment, sitting on Olivia's couch, looking into each other's eyes, they saw in themselves and saw in the other a desperate willingness, the desire to try.
It was finally Olivia who swallowed hard and looked away, and put into words both the challenges ahead of them as well as the possibilities, "I'm not perfect, Alex. There will still be times when I lash out, when I run. There will still be times when I shut you out or just shut down. When, for better or worse I want to protect you. Or for better or worse I want to protect me."
Alex inhaled deeply and nodded, ready to meet Olivia half way, "And there will still be times when I avoid asking how you are because I'm afraid of the answer. Times when I'll make you feel like you can't open up because I can't handle it. And I'll still hurt when you hurt, nothing will ever change that nor should anything ever change that. Because I care about you."
Olivia nodded back, continuing to lay down expectations, "But you should know, there will also still be times when I'm yelling and angry not because I'm trying to cover some other emotion but because I'm... because I'm really genuinely pissed off at you."
At that Alex couldn't help but chuckle, grateful at least for this slight break in the tension and with it the feeling of moving forward, "Understood. And likewise."
Olivia continued to nod, "And they'll be times when we still legitimately disagree and fight." Olivia added.
This time Alex just smiled, acknowledging that memories of their fights, or perhaps it was the memories of what tended to happen after their fights, were generally pleasant ones, "I wouldn't have it any other way," she responded quietly.
This time it was Olivia's turn to chuckle briefly before both women fell quiet again as their smiles faded and seriousness returned, knowing there were a few last things that needed to be said, but also knowing that the conversation was nearing its end. Finally Olivia spoke, saying what they both knew, "It won't always be easy..."
"For either of us," Alex finished. She then reached a hand up to cradle one of Olivia's cheeks, caressing the detective's cheek with her thumb before finishing on a whisper, "But it will be worth it."
Olivia's eyes closed and she exhaled. Then not trusting her voice, she just nodded.
They had covered a lot of ground tonight, and there was still much, much more to cover, but for now, for tonight, at least, neither wanted to talk anymore. They both needed time to process and consider and heal and get their own thoughts in order, before going any further.
But nor did they want to part. Instead, both wanting to be near the other, by her, close to her. Wanting, needing to be with her.
And it was again Olivia who voiced the desire first, a simple request, turning her head into Alex's hand, placing a soft kiss on the attorney's palm, "Stay here tonight?"
Alex leaned in and placed a gentle chaste kiss on Olivia's lips then whispered against them, conveying so much, so much, in one simple word, assurance, promise, love, "Yes."
Olivia inhaled deeply then returned Alex's kiss, just as gently, just as chastely, but just as meaningfully. She then pulled back, letting the moment, the silent conversation linger for just a second or two longer before finally bringing it to an end. She stood up, "I, um," she looked down at herself, "I need to shower," she held her hand out to Alex, a small sly smile curving her lips, taking them back to safer territory, where they both felt comfortable, where they had always clicked and worked, both women needing and welcoming the respite from the emotional intensity of the day and the discussion, "Care to join me?"
Alex cocked an eyebrow at the brunette's obvious overture, reaching out and taking the offered hand and allowing Olivia to pull her up from the couch. "I don't know..." she replied, "I have court in the morning and really need to get to bed," the attorney playfully feigned resistance while at the same time running one finger suggestively down Olivia's face from her temple to her chin.
Olivia's smile widened, relief, expectation, warmth, physical and emotional, flooding her veins as she started leading Alex by the hand towards the bathroom, bantering back just as playfully, "Come on, Counselor, I promise it will be quick."
Alex laughed but then stopped and pulled the detective to her for another kiss, this one far, far less gentle, and far, far less chaste than their previous kisses, all pretenses of resistance dropped, pulling away only when both were panting and breathless, and only so she could reply, her voice still playful but also now so enticing, so seductive, so alluring, "Oh, it better not be, Detective"